Snitch Posted March 10, 2009 Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 [spoiler=In har.]Such ordinary things can be filled with so much fear. So much hatred. So much death. This is one of the many things I learned there. One of the things I was forced to learn. One of the many things that were pushed into my head so hard it stuck. Forever. Of course, just because it had been horrible, didn’t mean I shouldn’t have gone. It taught me a lot about life. It taught me there’s more than what the naked eye can see. It taught me that you always have to think outside the box. It taught me that one simple statement can rip your life apart. One simple sight can blow your mind. One simple word can crush your reality into a thousand tiny pieces, kill your soul and even destroy the universe. Of course, it takes more than knowing these words. It takes the ability to use them. I flexed my legs out forwards again, clicking both calves as I did so. One of my bad habits let me add. I stared at the man before me – he was young, early twenties. Short ginger hair that was spiked upwards with gel, not wax. Long black coat made by Jenix Studios, beneath that a shirt with a white skull on it, also by Jenix, and denim jeans that had the tag ripped off. Blue shoes with the white Nike tick. My eyes scanned him up and down as I brought in each detail, either minute or large. Freckles. Brown eyes. Earlobes. Mouth curved into a sly smirk. I’d seen each and every detail at least twenty times beforehand, but that wasn’t the point. This was how I worked. This was how my mind worked. “We’re going to Paris.” The man before me said, his tones deep and flooded with wisdom. “He’s there – we’re getting closer and closer to ending this, Rane. I can feel it.” I sighed. Jack’s ‘feelings’ weren’t always excellent. Ignoring this, I sighed and picked up the briefcase. This was going to be one hell of a ride. Worth continuing? If so, this thread will be where you find it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted March 10, 2009 Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 Snitch, your back!!!!!!!, yeah, i think its worth continueing :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 Mmm, I'm back. Edited in the italics which I missed. xD Ok, I might continue it. We'll see my other feedback. Tip a few friends, mmm'kay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flavour Posted March 10, 2009 Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 Definitely worth continuing. Welcome back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted March 10, 2009 Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 A bit boring to be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fenrir Posted March 10, 2009 Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 A bit boring to be honest. *Sighs* Sadly, I don't really want to say this but... I agree with him. Really, I do. Anyways. OMGWTFBBQ UR BAK?!?!? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2009 Definitely worth continuing. Welcome back! Thanks. A bit boring to be honest. I can see why you'd say that. This was just a random' date=' right from the top of my mind, and it was around midnight. That equals me writing badly. If you continue reading, I'll make sure to write [i']earlier[/i] (meh. x3) and try to make it all more interesting. This doesn't really give any story insight either, which I hate. Might re-do, actually... -shrug- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 I dun get it. It's... decent, but since there's no backstory, I don't know what to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RingoEx19 Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 I flexed my legs out forwards again, clicking both calves as I did so. One of my bad habits let me add. I stared at the man before me – he was young, early twenties. Short ginger hair that was spiked upwards with gel, not wax. Long black coat made by Jenix Studios, beneath that a shirt with a white skull on it, also by Jenix, and denim jeans that had the tag ripped off. Blue shoes with the white Nike tick. My eyes scanned him up and down as I brought in each detail, either minute or large. Freckles. Brown eyes. Earlobes. Mouth curved into a sly smirk. I’d seen each and every detail at least twenty times beforehand, but that wasn’t the point. This was how I worked. This was how my mind worked. This paragraph needs to be extended. Because this was the one I felt could be developed the most, the one that has the most potential for inner character development. As for the above paragraphs, they're much too commonplace in introductions. In more intricacy,the whole extremism in your wording, especially the wording in italics, is too overused and abstract for a beginning prologue. You need to start off with more physicality and tangibility if this story isn't going to be like one of those philosophical novels where you have no idea what's going on *cough* . Additionally, watch out for repetition in ordinary words, like "detail" and "sigh." Establish a clear setting early on in order to implement a vision within the reader's mind of what's currently happening as their eyes are browsing through the pages. I can still tell that you're better than a good majority of the writers on First Page right now though. It's like measuring potential in another person, amirite? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 I can still tell that you're better than a good majority of the writers on First Page right now though. It's like measuring potential in another person' date=' amirite?[/quote'] Heh? You talking about this thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RingoEx19 Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 No lol, I'm just talking about the first page of Yugioh Fanfic when I posted that. It's pretty embarrassing as well, because my own thread also one of the "inferior ones" I'm implying heh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted March 11, 2009 Report Share Posted March 11, 2009 A bit boring to be honest. I can see why you'd say that. This was just a random' date=' right from the top of my mind, and it was around midnight. That equals me writing badly.[/quote'] So, you intentionally put up something you knew would be bad? First lesson: Don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 A bit boring to be honest. I can see why you'd say that. This was just a random' date=' right from the top of my mind, and it was around midnight. That equals me writing badly.[/quote'] So, you intentionally put up something you knew would be bad? First lesson: Don't. No, not at all. I had an idea, I wrote, I put it up. I thought it might be kinda bad, but not terrible, so I thought it was worth a shot. Thanks for comments guys, but I'm not continuing this. Meh~ ( and that's not because of your comments! Lack of time. D: ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyhe Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 It's up to you! If you want to see it going on, then go for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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