Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 [spoiler=Prolouge - So close, Jacks,]I could only watch as the mechanical dragon before me shot forwards and darted into my chest, smacking me backwards into the wall, one of its iron teeth scraping across my arm making a sizeable cut. I could only stare at my opponent as she grinned, her blonde locks flapping around in the wind the dragon had created with its rush. She smiled at me, her pale blue eyes blinking in a flirty-way. “Come on Jacks, you can’t be done yet?” She said, giggling the way she always did. I got up slowly, flashing a look at my Duel Disk. 2200 left… I sighed. Looks like this was Anya’s game, whether I liked it or not. I stared up at her Cyber Dragon as it roared, the sound echoing through my ears and forcing me to clap my hands over my ears and close my eyes. “Your move, Jacks.” I opened my eyes to find Anya staring me down, her eyes closed. I looked at my disk and drew the top card of my deck, staring to the heavens for whatever hope I could get. I grinned at the card as I saw it. “Ready An? You’re going down! Lightning Vortex!” I placed the card face-up on my disk, and it reappeared in front of my, the holographic details excellent. A storm began to brew in the sky, and I discarded a card, watching my Dark World Vanguard, Beiige, appear for a moment before being consumed by the clouds. A sudden jolt of electrical energy jumped down from the sky as the last part of Beiige vanished, and it struck the Cyber Dragon with an incredible force, sending it falling to the ground before smashing into pieces like the defeated beasts did. “And next, I active the Spell Card, The Cheerful Coffin!” This made Anya gasp, as she knew what was coming. I dropped two more cards from my hand; Goldd, the Wu-Lord of Dark World, and Sillva, the Warlord of Dark World and their holograms dropped into the coffin. The fiend holding the black box closed it, and exploded, but as it happened, Goldd and Sillva reappeared on the field in front of me, both roaring in unison as they towered upwards. “You’re done! Goldd, attack!” The huge golden beast charged forwards, raising his axe and swung it downwards, the intimidating blade gracefully flying through the air towards its target. “Gee, Jacks, you still have a lot to learn. Reveal face-down – Magic Cylinder!” My eyes wretched open, and I began to scream inside my head. WHAT!? WHAT?! NO! Goldd’s weapon disappeared into one of the two Cylinders that had appeared before, before reappearing in front of me as the axe struck me down to the ground. “So close Jacks, so close.” I stared up at her, looking into her eyes and at her malicious grin. I stood up slowly, sighing as she began to repeat, “So close Jacks, so close,” over and over again. My head began to ring as she continued the chorus, and I spat once. Suddenly she was silenced by a huge crashing sound, as, in the distance, a burst of flames, metal and simply destruction shot upwards into a ball of hell. What the… I leapt backwards as a burning rock landed where I was seconds before. “Jacks…what’s…what’s going on?” Rates would be nice, suggestions for titles would be good. I'd like to thank Jovi for inspiration. xP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 EPIC, keep it up Snitch! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 EPIC' date=' keep it up Snitch![/quote'] Really? I feel I kinda let myself down with this one. Maybe it's just me. -shrug- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soul Legacy Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 EPIC' date=' keep it up Snitch![/quote'] Really? I feel I kinda let myself down with this one. Maybe it's just me. -shrug- Its just you >.> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Rates would be nice' date=' suggestions for titles would be good. I'd like to thank Jovi for inspiration. xP[/quote'] T.....thank me? What? What have I done? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Inspiration...and I thought you could read the whole line. D: I really liked your fan-fic and it inspired me to write my own. x3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Inspiration...and I thought you could read the whole line. D: I really liked your fan-fic and it inspired me to write my own. x3 Well, thank you! ;)I never thought that my fan fic will inspire anybody! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Inspiration...and I thought you could read the whole line. D: I really liked your fan-fic and it inspired me to write my own. x3 Well' date=' thank you! ;)I never thought that my fan fic will inspire anybody![/quote'] Well...it did. You up for commenting, by the by? x3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jovi Siagian Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Inspiration...and I thought you could read the whole line. D: I really liked your fan-fic and it inspired me to write my own. x3 Well' date=' thank you! ;)I never thought that my fan fic will inspire anybody![/quote'] Well...it did. You up for commenting, by the by? x3 Well, I like this. It has someting that mine doesn't have, details. I lack of details of Duels, like how a monster attack, how a card's effect works, and so on. You're one of the very few Yu-Gi-Oh! Unofficial Writers that is very good at describing. ;) On the other hand, the story is a little bit too short. I hope the shortness is only in prologue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 Most likely only shortness in Prolouge, tbh. Glad you like it, anyhow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I noticed that sometimes, you drag out your sentences quite a lot, as it at parts goes on for quite a long time without reaching a stop while the action keeps going; the Cyber Dragon vs Lightning Vortex scene in particular. You're really good, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doom™ Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I really like it. I really thought that Jacks was gonna win, dude. Nice strategy he had, too. Keep it up, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Star Child Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 so thats how a fan fic works.this is an awesome story i cant wait to see the rest of it. 10/10, its inspired me to write my own!!! just like jovi did to you ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiko11 Posted March 23, 2009 Report Share Posted March 23, 2009 Once again, you dazzle me with another idea. :D Keep up the good work. You descriptive writng skills are what I like the most! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 24, 2009 Report Share Posted March 24, 2009 If already mentioned, sorry, but you use 10 words where 1 would suffice in some parts. Cut back in the description at points, and expand with the action. Good for starters, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiko11 Posted March 24, 2009 Report Share Posted March 24, 2009 >:l I. Can't. Believe. Rinne. Said. That! Descriptions are what put visuals in your head! >:l lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deity Marvel Posted March 24, 2009 Report Share Posted March 24, 2009 A bit short, but I'm one of those people who like longer stuff. Good start otherwise, and great detail, you really put the image in my head good. Keep up the good work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 >:l I. Can't. Believe. Rinne. Said. That! Descriptions are what put visuals in your head! >:l lol Too much description is called purple prose, and, in short, it bores the f*** out of most non-masochistic readers out here in meatspace. I reiterate. You use 10 where 1 would do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted March 25, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 Thanks for all the nice comments guys. Although...I'm not that good. -sweatdrop- Rinne, you have a point - I do go out a bit on the descriptive side, but, that's my prose, and it's not like I can just 'stop' there. Maybe I'll cut it down some places. Next chapter will be up tonight probably...just finishing up the draft. ^-^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 25, 2009 Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 This is not purple prose. However, it is short, random, and confusing. If this is en media res, flashbacks NAO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiko11 Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 I agree to the shortness factor. I enjoy long chapters, but I do not want to rush Snitch, as this may effect the quality of the story. :D I still, however, prefer the descriptiveness. You don't have to. Nor do I give a flying f*** if you do. ;) have a nice day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 This is not purple prose. However' date=' it is short, random, and confusing. If this is [b']in[/b] media res, flashbacks NAO. Fix'd. Anyways, let's compromise at lavender prose, shall we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Supreme Gamesmaster Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 This is not purple prose. However' date=' it is short, random, and confusing. If this is [b']in[/b] media res, flashbacks NAO. Fix'd. Anyways, let's compromise at lavender prose, shall we? In, en, either is acceptable. Lavender prose it is. For the record, lavender, at least when done by Poe and Thoreau, is the best kind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 This is not purple prose. However' date=' it is short, random, and confusing. If this is [b']in[/b] media res, flashbacks NAO. Fix'd. Anyways, let's compromise at lavender prose, shall we? In, en, either is acceptable. Lavender prose it is. For the record, lavender, at least when done by Poe and Thoreau, is the best kind. Poe was a very Gothic writer, so his works required purple-ness; it's part of the movement. However, I'm not too big into Thoreau myself, so, yeah. Let's take this to PM if need be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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