Vitum Ceres ::: A Dark Novel

[Dark]

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Beforehand, I would like to ask all Moderators to refrain from moving this thread to Fan Fiction. While many people think this is a Fan Fiction, it is really an actual story and/or novel. Also, it would be much more convienent for me if this stayed in General. Thanks in advance. ^_^

Not too big of a description here. Just some quick bullets and two paragraphs.

 

-Microsoft Word was not used to edit this. So, there ARE grammar and spelling mistakes.

-This story takes place in the future, but it is realistic fiction, not sci-fi. Just saying that to let you know there are no aliens or robots. This could actually happen.

-Vitum Ceres is the main character of the story. He is male, and 15 years old.

-Rome is the setting in the beginning of the story.

-This story is told in first-person present narration. That means Vitum Ceres is the person narrator, and he is talking about now (which is the future for us). That means he does NOT die at the end.

-This story was inspired by different dreams I had over the span of my life. I am shocked I remember these dreams.

 

I am writing this story as a warm-up for my next year in English. I am practicing my novel-writing, character development and story analyzation skills.

 

I would like if you could read over the story and correct spelling and grammar mistakes to help me see what I need work on. Opinions and suggestions are highly needed. If you don't want to correct, just enjoy the story.

 

And without a further ado, here is Vitum Ceres.

 

Vitum Ceres

By: Dark

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1 ::: March 18, 2067]

 

Here I am, as I lay in Rome, sitting on the hard wooden stool the guards gave me as my only refuge. I stare through the barren windows with steel bars and gaze at the stars. Sound was sparce, and the only sound I could make out as of now was a faint mouse squirming through the cells. My cell neighbor, a hefty man in his twenties, stepped on the mouse and killed it, to save it as food for later.

 

I continue to stare at the stars, reminicsing about my childhood, my family. What family? My dad died in the war that started five years ago, and still will not end. My mother died in childbirth with my sister. The rest of my family was either not fond of me, or were to far away to even begin to search for them. I had nothing at all to call my own, and I was stuck in a prison until this damned war ends.

 

A gunshot was fired and whizzed past my cell, only to get stuck in the wall at the end of the corridor. How wonderful, it was time to eat. The guards finally arrived at my cell and gave me one of my two meals a day; a molecular piece of bread with some soup. I stared and blinked at the tray. Did they really expect us to live off of this? No bathing, no hygiene, nothing? By my count, 4 people had already died of disease, and I felt I was next. The bread and soup went into my hand, into my mouth, and down my throat.

 

And again, I continued to stare at the stars. To me, stars meant freedom. My mother used to read my stories about how people invented space machines, and could fly millions of miles, away to the stars. What a life they had. I could just imagine living on a star, always being surrounded by brightness. It would be the complete opposite of my life currently.

 

It was getting dark, around nine PM by my estimates, and it was time for the guards to pass out tokens. Tokens were used as a form of money in this jail; once you earned enough tokens, you could "buy" an extra serving of food, hay for your floor, and sometimes even a walk outside. I have accumulated seventeen tokens so far, mostly for good behavior. The guard walked by my cell and threw two tokens into my cell, giving me a total of nineteen. This was the most excitement in this prison. If I get one more token, I would be allowed to take a night walk outside.

 

It was nighttime, possibly ten PM at latest. The dimly lit lamps were shut off. What amazed me was that we felt so inhumane using lamps. We had access to years of technology, solar lava lamps and virtual fires. And yet, the prison guard resorted to lamps. At night, sound was much more heavy, and cellmates discussed and talked. I did not have a cellmate, and even though others did not have one either, they still had cell neighbors to talk to. No one knew my name, though. I would say I was the most intelligent out of the prisoners here. But, I was considered the most dangerous.

 

I accumulated around a pound of hay at my time here. I bundled it up into a pillow, and drifted to sleep. Would tomorrow be any different? Probably not. The voices of prisoners soon got so faint, I could not listen anymore. My eyes shut tight, I clenched my hay pillow, and the day was over.

 

 

 

Updates every few days, depending on my schedule.

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[bury the year]

Firstly, Fan Fiction is for all literary works on this site, except for poems. So, this does deserve to go into there.

 

Second, under a page is not nearly enough to warrant a chapter. At least 10 pages is my standard, on a good day. Make it longer with more character development and less cliches (everyone's done a prison before) and change the name. No-one would realistically name a kid Vitum. ;D

[Dark]

Firstly' date=' Fan Fiction is for all literary works on this site, except for poems. So, this does deserve to go into there.

 

[b']It's more convienient to stay in General. PWEEZ?[/b]

 

Second, under a page is not nearly enough to warrant a chapter. At least 10 pages is my standard, on a good day. Make it longer with more character development and less cliches (everyone's done a prison before) and change the name. No-one would realistically name a kid Vitum. ;D

 

This isn't like a Harry Potter thingy novel. It's like a short-story novel. Short chapters, but a lot of them. I'm not fond of large chapters, because it allows for less change in topic. I do need to work on characters, but there are only 2 (1 actually) right now. And the prison is a temporary thing. You'll see later on. And Vitum is cool. =D

[bury the year]

Firstly' date=' Fan Fiction is for all literary works on this site, except for poems. So, this does deserve to go into there.

 

[b']It's more convienient to stay in General. PWEEZ?[/b]

NO. You don't get to break the rules.

 

Second, under a page is not nearly enough to warrant a chapter. At least 10 pages is my standard, on a good day. Make it longer with more character development and less cliches (everyone's done a prison before) and change the name. No-one would realistically name a kid Vitum. ;D

 

This isn't like a Harry Potter thingy novel. It's like a short-story novel. Short chapters, but a lot of them. I'm not fond of large chapters, because it allows for less change in topic. I do need to work on characters, but there are only 2 (1 actually) right now. And the prison is a temporary thing. You'll see later on. And Vitum is cool. =D

Short chapters don't hold people's interests as much as long chapters do. Also, Rule of Cool does not apply in serious fiction, or people will laugh at you.

 

My comments are underlined.

[Dark]

I don't get to break the rules? What is wrong with YCM. But really, it would be easier if it stayed in General.

 

Also, I feel like short chapters make it easier for me to write. Me, personally.

 

And there is a reason I chose Vitum as the name. Impatient YCMers. -_-''

[ιϻϻσяταᴌ Ωϻεϛα]

Wow, I think it is an excellent novel so far. I can hardly wait for the next chapter.