radio414 Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 OKThis is my first real fan fic, but would like to see a few comments before continuing the story. [spoiler=Chapter One]Garrett was at a party. A large party. Like a spring break party where everything is fine for the week. No assignments, no worries, nothing. However, the party was dying down, and people were leaving, so Garrett followed suit.Walking home, he saw a shortcut through a short dark alley, and, being tired from the party, he strode drunkenly through the alley. Then Garrett saw the duel.(Mystery Duelist 1): ...Here's where it ends! I activate Mystical Space Typhoon during your Main phase 2 to destroy Royal Decree! That means that Zoma the Spirit is now a monster again!(Mystery Duelist 2): So? I set three cards and end my turn.(Mystery Duelist 1): Aha! You would think it didn't matter with that back-field. But I have one card that can turn against you. Harpies Feather Duster(Mystery Duelist 2): That's illegal!(Mystery Duelist 1): Too late!(Mystery Duelist 2): *groans*(Mystery Duelist 1): I also chain my face-down. Raigeki Break! I discard a card to destroy your Spirit Reaper! Zoma the Spirit! Attack his Life Points Directly! Game Over!As the winner starts dissapearing into the dakness of the alleyway, the loser suddenly collapsed. When Garrett rushed over, he was already dead... [spoiler=Chapter Two]Garrett hated being bored. Today was no exeption. At least during school there was something to do at each class! This Spring Break was going to be the worst one ever. At least, that's what he thought before the evening. Here's the things he knew:1) I'm home alone2) I'm eating dinner3) My mother should not be home until midnight4) The Doorbell is ringingRegardless of all his mother's warnings about answering the door, Garrett calmly opened the door, to reveal the same duelist Garrett had seen flee the previous night. Immediatly, the Duelist swept into the house, pulled out his Duel Disk, and said those fiersome words, "Let's duel." THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SHORT CHAPTER! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I really don't like the half-script, half-story style you cats are getting used to, but it looks like it could develop nicely. Please continue! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I really don't like the half-script' date=' half-story style you cats are getting used to, but it looks like it could develop nicely. Please continue![/quote'] cats? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lown master Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 I think this story rockes , but make it longer it`s a shame when good things come to a end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted June 10, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 ok.I'll Post the next chapter later Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted June 11, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Chapter 2 will be available later today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EliminateHRN Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 This looks good and everything, but make the chapters longer. ALOT longer. I finished the chapter within a minute. It looks good, but make it longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted June 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Chapter Two Posted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted June 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Griffin Posted June 13, 2009 Report Share Posted June 13, 2009 Painfully short and there were two rule problems in the first chapter, when Decree is removed from the field, Zoma will not resummon, and Zoma is still a trap when summoned, so Heavy would kill him. Sorry, problems like that just really get to me. Appart from that, the story is interesting enough, although the writing style is a little odd in places, I'll keep looking if you continue this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
radio414 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 12, 2009 Painfully short and there were two rule problems in the first chapter' date=' when Decree is removed from the field, Zoma will not resummon, and Zoma is still a trap when summoned, so Heavy would kill him. Sorry, problems like that just really get to me. Appart from that, the story is interesting enough, although the writing style is a little odd in places, I'll keep looking if you continue this.[/quote'] Problems changedI'm still playing out the duel in the next chapter, I'll be posting soon, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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