lown master Posted June 10, 2009 Report Share Posted June 10, 2009 As time will tell DuleMonsters have lead to the fath of the world: but.... what if a defrent world existed?, a world in which a card game was part of a civil war in wich riped the world apart. This is the strory of a young boy who fond his desteny .As did the heros he looked up to " Hey dude like MR ' Hot Shot ' is on hs way" said Ricky a friend of Martin. " What dose he whant now"? Martin asked to him self. A teacher walked up to him and asked him to come to the princibel`s ofice. " yuong man, can you tell me why MR luke`s test papers are missing"? Martin hade no idea , this time eneyway, Martin was daydreaming agen, looking out the windo staring at the baby blue cloudless sky. " I suommon RED DEMONS DRAGON and finish you off"! yealled Martin " nooo this can`t be nooo" Martin smiled " Martin you saved us", " yeah your a hero"; said some bysdandes lookeing at the dule that whod determen the fath of the world. " hahaha it`s all okay for I am your hero....And as long as i live evil will go dow" ! yealled Martin rasing his fist in the ari " Martin,Martin,Martin" the chers for the hero whare interuted by a loud yelle of his name. " See what I mean, this boy never pays atenun to me" said MR Luke. "o-oh yeah i don`t know" said Martin MR Luke was fusreaded whith Martin that he shaped. secerty had to drag him out " lisen Martin ... I found his papers and i know you hade noting to do whith this" said the princebel. " Then why did you call me in here"? asked Martin " this is for you" he handed Martin a card a blank card. " This card is blank" said Martin whith great confuson. " yes.... but soon your soule will inhabed it hahaha", . at that instent the room whent black amd the man`s eyes whent blood red " Do...you...know .... what this is hahahahah" asked the man or at least he had the body of a man but what a demon. " A-a shadow game"? asked Martin " hehehehe.....yes....and your time has come" So what do you guys think? I hope you liked this , for you all who love it thare is more to come. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 First of all...*turns on RANT MODE because KENDO FISH IS A HARSH CRITIC* It's too short! It's hardly a chapter! And the spelling is all off! Riped the world apart!? Is the world a ripening fruit!?!? And what's going on? Are they in OUR world? Is this a DIFFERENT world? What's it look like? Who's Martin? What's - *turns off* You really need to work on this. The homonyms and like-spelled words keep getting switched around and what-not (dule=duel, fath=faith, defrent=different). Use Microsoft Word. IF YOU HAVE A MAC, there IS a program called Pages that you can use to check your spelling. There's hardly and commas in it, so when somebody says "you are gonna get it hahahahaha" they sound kind of...dumb. Do YOU say "That was funny hahahahaha" WITHOUT PAUSING between funyn and that laughter? CAPITALIZE and DESCRIBE the surroundings more. Where are they? Who's Martin, who's Ricky, who's MR, what's Red demon's dragon, HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT A SHADOW GAME IS if he's JUST A KID? Overall, it needs an overhaul, honestly. And remember, NOVBODY'S perfect, not even I... (I'll help you with this thing if you want. send me a private message (PM).) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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