Lazer Yoshi Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 This a book I'm writing called "Takeover". I wouldn't say it's in any series, but it's stories are inspired by other media, like Halo and Metroid.You may think this story is happy and about lollipops. However, as you keep reading, you will ponder in fear, wondering what will happen frantically. Your mind will not be able to get what is happening. If you wish to stop reading here and go read "The Happy Little Tree Makes a Lot of Friends at Happy Face Preschool", go ahead. If you want to read something creepy, than you're on the right page. [spoiler=Chapter 1 – Study Hard] “And that, kids, is why you always keep going strong.” Mr. Himben was finishing his lecture to his Dragon Learning Class. Wait, you do not know what the Dragon Learning Class is? I bet you don’t even know this world. Well, let me explain. In the year 4510, an insane scientist, Doctor Jyx, created a portal to the past. However, one of his experiments, a Baboon fused with a lethal poison cell, became angry and destroyed the machine. However, the Time Warp Device in the portal broke, and caused many things to come from the past and future, in any universe, world, or galaxy, and become present on planet Earth. The main creature to appear were Dragons. Strangely, the Dragons were peaceful with the humans. They were able to detect evil with their excellent sense of smell. The humans adopted the Dragons, planning for a good use for them. No, they do not abuse them. The humans treat them with very good care. These Dragons are considered Pets, Police Sidekicks, Transportation, excellent friends, and even examples of Science. Their drool contains their DNA and history, which is much easier than having to dissect a Dragon and search its history through books and such. Doctor Jyx won a Nobel Price for this incident. But in a few weeks, he was found dead at his lab. All that was left was a blue scale and a message of blood on the wall. It seemed to mean something in an ancient and unknown language. “Gvnhjkl, sdee. Frsdx!” Mr. Himben dismissed his class. Gaven Florz was the first to leave. He was excited to get to his next class to share his story he wrote. It had to be non-fiction, so he wrote about his new pet Dragon, Track. How they shared laughs, helping the community, and listening to Gaven’s old Thrash Metal albums. Track was an infant dragon, and was perched on Gaven’s shoulder. Track was also excited. Gaven’s best friend, Jennie, followed him with her Dragon, Sunshine. Jennie was a calm person, who always hung out with Gaven and the rest of the crew, which contained around 15 kids. We’ll talk about them later. “How’s Track doing, Gaven?” Jenny was untying her hair, making it long and flowing. She always felt better when her hair was in her face. “Awesome! Track’s glad to meet all my friends in 8th Grade. Right, Track?” Track smiled happily and pulled out a cookie from Gaven’s backpack. “You hungry?”, asked Gaven. Track nodded with a positive attitude. Jennie pulled out her pencil and notebook. “I got Chemistry next. Ms. Rett is such a jerk. Well, see ya. Good luck!” Jennie ran off, and Gaven went to his class. As Gaven walked into his class, he saw his teacher, Mr. Doken, looking at his Music Magazine. He has always loved his Blues Music. Gaven sat down in his seat, and Track cuddled up and fell asleep on Gaven’s desk. Joe Crinkle, a member of Gaven’s crew, sat next to him. “Woah, cool Dragon Gaven! Good luck on your report, dude.” Joe accidentally spat on his new Nirvana shirt. Even after all these years, they’re still very popular. He wiped it up, then scratched his long hair. It reminded Gaven of Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of Nirvana. “Welcome, class”, shouted Mr. Doken, who seemed to be in angry mood. “We shall start our oral reports now. Anyone who laughs or talks shall be sent to the office immediately! Gaven, you go first.” Gaven walked up to the front of the classroom with Track flying and following him. “Um, hello. My name is Gaven Florz. I did a report on my baby pet Dragon, Track.” The green, scaly fellow grinned. Gaven proceeded to take out a wrinkly piece of paper from his back jean shorts pocket. “Now, Track was born exactly 4 months ago. The egg hatched fine at the Animal Hospital. We had found this egg behind the dumpster at the local Ball Park. Funny story, i-“ The door shot open. A group of soldiers came through the door, carrying dangerous guns. “We are looking for this Giant Blue Monster. We have gotten many reports that he is around this school area. Has anyone seen this creatu-“ The soldier fell to the floor, spewing acidic blue liquid from every limb in his body. [spoiler=Chapter 2 - Violent Death]The blue acid starting burning through the floor, making this indistinct hissing noise like a dying rattlesnake. Then the soldier began puking this red and blue blood. It seems as if the plasma part of his blood had been infused with this blue acid. The other soldiers went over to him. "Sargent, what the **** is going on?" The soldier was oddly able to speak. "L-lo-l-look at my foot. Then...then..." The soldier has then passed. His eyes rolled back in his head, and the back of his eyeballs were covered in the blue blood. The soldiers took a look at his foot. There was a small bite on his ankle. Perhaps something had bitten him and given him this diasese. But then the dead body starting shaking violently. The corpse spewed blood all over the room. Then the eyes popped out of the mouth, the pupils hanging from the outside. Then it puked out it's skeleton, which the bones were a blinding blue-ish color. The dead body's skin unfolded on the floor, still shaking. Jennie looked over at Gaven. "What is happening? This is freakin' scaring the living **** outta me!" Gaven looked over at Jennie. She had never talked like that. If she was talking like that, something bad is going on. "Why are you asking me? Scared the **** outta me too!" One of the Soldiers starting talking. His nametag said "Commander William". "Look, I know this may sound unorthodox, but, our military has been working on Alien experiments. Alien Experiements...with Dragons." Jennie became suddenly enraged. "You...you monster! You ****ing monster!" Jennie grabbed William by the neck and pushed him to the ground and began trying to rip his face skin off with her nails. It took all of the other soldiers to get her off. "You're a demon! How dare you treat Dragons like that! You're the Military, and you're breaking the rules!" Commander Williams smirked. "Of course we break the rules. You think we play by the rules nowadays?" 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bury the year Posted June 11, 2009 Report Share Posted June 11, 2009 Complete exposition of the basic thread of the story within your first 5 sentences = bad. Try doing a partial cold opening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazer Yoshi Posted June 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 ^ Okay, got it. ^_^What do you think so far? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 12, 2009 Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 Your ending was a bit weak; it didn't really set up the tension that one would expect from a situation like that. Maybe make it more dramatic? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazer Yoshi Posted June 12, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 12, 2009 ^ Like add more details and more brutal? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bury the year Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 YES. Tasteful gore = good. But only if applied properly. {Sorry for the late reply, BTW. D:} Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 15, 2009 Report Share Posted June 15, 2009 Odd capitalization on some parts, but I liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazer Yoshi Posted June 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 ^ Yeah, I'm not 100% good with Grammar. XdBut thanks Umbra. Someone like you liking my story means a lot. ^_^Thanks for the comments, guys. This should help me. =DI'll be working on Chapter 2 tonight. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazer Yoshi Posted June 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 BUMPEH. =DChapter 2's up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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