game_boy Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 hey the reason this is not in one of those things that you click on is beacuse i do not know how to make those so i will have really long post's srry prouluge: it is the year 2013. the world just got over the fact that the world did not end for no apaerent reason. the creators of yugioh decided to have a huge tourniment for celabrating the world not ending horiblly. a 25 year old man has just won the tournement and won the prize. the prize was about enough money to buy a decent house, a trophy, and a deck that will never be realesed to the public … ever. that next week this mans wife had a baby this baby’s name was jason and this name will be remembered in history. chapter one: it is the year 2028. it is at jason’s house in the morning. jason is a 15 year old boy. he has short brown hair with a hint of gold. his is kind of muscular also he is the type of muscular like he could run fast muscular.jason: hey dad whats for breakfast?chris (father): pancakes with sirup.jason: sweet those are my faviortejason jumps in the air for joy because he is having pancakes and, this will be his exam test to get in the new dueling school. when chris brings out the pancakes he gobbles them up so fast he actullay gets some on his face and the table and rushes out the back door.chris:why are you leaving so early theres two more hours before the exam?jason: I am getting some practice in with mattchris: well wait upchris walks up to the trophy that he won in 2013 he pulls out the deck he also won.chris:have this and never trade any of these cards or lose any of them not any of these were realesedjason: oh my god are sure dad?chris nods. jason runs offjason: thanks dad!!!jason runs into the park. he see’s matt sitting on the bench. matt is scrawny. he is the kid that you would see getting made fun of. he also has brown hair but his is definetly longer.matt: finally you got here what took you s long?jason: I was eating breakfast.matt: okay well lets deul!they both pull out deul disc’s ( this one http://i.walmartimages.com/i/p/00/02/70/84/07/0002708407953_215X215.jpg ) ha,ha I left you at a cliff hanger! jk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Riku Posted June 16, 2009 Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 Advice Dont Have Dialouge Like Jason:~~~~~~ and MAtt:~~~~~~Check out my Fan Fic called Final Fantasy X 1 1/2 for advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
game_boy Posted June 16, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2009 thanks dude Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 Unfortunately, it's not very good. I don't quite understand the setting (2000-so-and-so on Earth...in SOMEWHERE, I guess). And "the world just got over the fact that the world did not end for no apaerent reason"? Does that mean "There was a huge atomic explosion that was supposed to have wiped out all life on earth, but for no apparent reason it caused little harm"? Make sense more! Also, capitalize proper nouns. I know it's sometimes hard to tap the shift key every single time, but ALWAYS missing it...now that's a big problem. Check your spelling by typing your story on Microsoft Word OR Pages, if you own a Mac. Read over your story (preferrably out loud) to see if all of your characters' actions and sentences make sense. "oh my god are sure dad?" is an unfortunate sentence. "Are sure" doesn't make sense, but "Oh my god! Are you sure, dad?" is much better. He jumped for pancakes? Must be an addict. the descriptions are kind of forced upon us, mostly because they're short and just things like "he has short brown hair. he wears blue jeans and a jean jacket. he looks like a tough guy" and so on, even though they're shorter than that. And what's run-fast-muscular type, I wonder? I'm not saying you should give up, just work on it a bit more. And in the future, make sure the characters have personality! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted June 17, 2009 Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 USE CAPS!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
game_boy Posted June 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted June 17, 2009 yeah sorry this is my first fan fic so i will definitely take your guys advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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