Untitled, A BehindTheMask Poem

[BehindTheMask]

Morning sun rising

Glistening dew on Chrysanthemums

He looks through the rose tainted glass

Drinking the black brewed bitterness

She glides into the room

Holding him tightly

Squeezing away doubt

Warmth spreading throughout both bodies

Grace palpitating with the beat of their hearts

Shattered by screams

Warmth drain, Doubt renewed.

Chains strangling Her,

As the Glass stains red

Chrysanthemums wilt; the Nightingale sings

The Doctor takes away her delusions

With the panacea of Death

Just a product of "Spring Cleaning."

[Careless Whisper]

Without flow, these are just empty phrases.

 

I'll say to you what I have said to others plenty of times.

 

First priority in writing a poem should be flow, at all times. Make sure that every phrase is not too long nor too short. Make sure the wording connects with the theme, and try to steer clear of minicule phrases that you think the poem can do without.

 

 

Overall, it's a good poem. It has a good theme, and some decent vocabulary. Just work on flow and you'll be a great poet.

[BehindTheMask]

Without flow' date=' these are just empty phrases.

 

I'll say to you what I have said to others plenty of times.

 

First priority in writing a poem should be flow, at all times. Make sure that every phrase is not too long nor too short. Make sure the wording connects with the theme, and try to steer clear of minicule phrases that you think the poem can do without.

 

 

Overall, it's a good poem. It has a good theme, and some decent vocabulary. Just work on flow and you'll be a great poet.

[/quote']

 

Thanks, I focused on the theme, and don't really care about flow, because it was supposed to read like a short story, tbh.

 

Thanks again.

[Shonen Jump™]

even storys are meant to have flow, focus on the flow! =]

[Careless Whisper]

even storys are meant to have flow' date=' focus on the flow! =']

 

All literacy has to have flow. Without flow, literacy is just a whole bunch of random words that don't make much sense.

[Shonen Jump™]

I'm not sure If you were contradicting me or agreeing? =)

[Careless Whisper]

I'm not sure If you were contradicting me or agreeing? =)

 

I'm just boosting the point.

[Dweller of Parables]

More connection within lines...

For love, your very existence,

You're the source of my subsistence

Slow down take your time and feel the flow.

 

Flow

Flow

Flow

[Careless Whisper]

More connection within lines...

For love' date=' your very existence,

You're the source of my subsistence

Slow down take your time and feel the flow.

 

Flow

Flow

Flow

[/quote']

 

Not what I meant.

 

Not just flow with line length, but also flow with word choicing and sense. Your example has no sense at all.

 

That's what I mean about without flow, literacy just looks like random words without sense.

[Dweller of Parables]

More connection within lines...

For love' date=' your very existence,

You're the source of my subsistence

Slow down take your time and feel the flow.

 

Flow

Flow

Flow

[/quote']

 

Not what I meant.

 

Not just flow with line length, but also flow with word choicing and sense. Your example has no sense at all.

 

That's what I mean about without flow, literacy just looks like random words without sense.

 

...

It was a sentence you retard. :P

Choicing isn't a word. >_>

[Careless Whisper]

More connection within lines...

For love' date=' your very existence,

You're the source of my subsistence

Slow down take your time and feel the flow.

 

Flow

Flow

Flow

[/quote']

 

Not what I meant.

 

Not just flow with line length, but also flow with word choicing and sense. Your example has no sense at all.

 

That's what I mean about without flow, literacy just looks like random words without sense.

 

...

It was a sentence you retard. :P

Choicing isn't a word. >_>

 

Choosing, then...if that makes you happy.

 

Also, your sentence has no flow nor sense at all, still. Even one single sentence must have flow.

[Dweller of Parables]

More connection within lines...

For love' date=' your very existence,

You're the source of my subsistence

Slow down take your time and feel the flow.

 

Flow

Flow

Flow

[/quote']

 

Not what I meant.

 

Not just flow with line length, but also flow with word choicing and sense. Your example has no sense at all.

 

That's what I mean about without flow, literacy just looks like random words without sense.

 

...

It was a sentence you retard. :P

Choicing isn't a word. >_>

 

Choosing, then...if that makes you happy.

 

Also, your sentence has no flow nor sense at all, still. Even one single sentence must have flow.

 

(Quote me then...)

i am @ failure n' yCm an deresve 2 b punished n dis thraed 4 sarcazm. :P

[Frunk]

Dweller - you have twice sworn in this thread. Your warn level has now increased. You also flamed by calling him a "retard", you will be warned next time you do something like this.