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Cuckoos

By Cuckoos
in Creative Writing

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Kendo Fish Newbie

Kendo Fish

Posted
Posted

Listen to that guy's advice. Not listening to advice is usually a sign of a stubborn writer (YOU READ THE COMMENT AND PAID ATTENTION TO IT WHILE I POSTED)...anywho, let's do a WEATHER REPORT on this "bad boy".

Hey guys! First fan-fic' date=' features some characters using archetypes that I created. Have fun reading, hope you like!

 

C.1

 

 

Jordan woke up from a long, well-deserved sleep. Why does he deserve it?WHY are we suddenly going from past-tense to present-tense? Because the last nightbefore the apocalypse? That's what it sounds like. Shouldn't it just be last night without "the"?, he had just won a big tournament,unnecessary, comma that only the toughest of tough duelists entered. You see, in the small town of Elleville, Duel Monsters is a traditionI applaud you for saying this. That makes this more sensical!. Everywhere you look, you see duelists eager for battle. Today he was going to meet up with his friend, Sandro, for a big duel. "He said 12:00..." whispered Jordan,Should be a period. "It's 11:45, so I gotta get my deck ready." This was a big decision, considering he has 5 decks, all of which he likes equally. FrogDON'T PICK IT!, OjamaPICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!, Gladiator Beast, or Six Samurai? Or he could use his favorite, Time-Bots?OF COURSE HE WILL. Without thinking, he rushed out with his Time-Bot deck.

 

Jordan is a 16 year old boy with a brown buzzcut. He is 5"1' and pretty skinny.But back then he looked like a Blue Meanie. Sure, let's go with that. He ran to 'The Hangout', a place where duelists in Elleville can meet other duelists,Still, an, unnecessary, comma. Back then they couldn't meet and duel. Back then they could only duel. Sucked for them. and, well, duel. "Hey! Jordan!" a voice called out, "Over here!" The voice turned out to be Sandro. Sandro is a 14 year old duelist, and is one of the best duelists in town.Back then, he looked just like Orochimaru from Naruto. Creepy, but let's go with that. He still looks like that, though.

 

"Jordan, what deck did you choose today?",stop, using, unnecessary, commas!, By the way, are they standing in a fountain or something? What's 'The Hangout' look like? Sandro asked.

 

"Time-Bots. You still using those Medusa cards?"

 

"Yep, best deck ever."

 

"Which is why I beat it every time we duel."ooh. Idiotic Orochimaru lookalike got burned.

 

"Is that a challenge?"

 

Jordan is what you would call a challenge junkie. He accepts any challenge, due to his reckless nature.Back then he was just cursed so that he would obey every order he was given. Like in Ella Enchanted. Remember that story? Yeah. So just say "Let's duel!" and he HAD to duel. So no doubt, he'd be fighting this duel. "Bring it on!" Jordan said, seeming very eager to fight.

 

One too many ENTERs.

At the same time, they prepared their duel disks, and yelled: "DUEL!"WHAT A SHORT CHAPTER. Put this together with the next one and IT SHALL BE ACCEPTABLE.

 

 

C.2

 

 

Sandro: A'ight, 4000?

Aw, no. SCRIPT FORMAT? YOU CAN DO A DUEL WITHOUT THIS FORMAT. Just read the story I'm doing with Weather Report, Wild West Bob. Its duels are NOT in script format. Se how much more professional it looks? There are some more examples of dueling without script, too. As Supreme Gamemaster said, you won't get anywhere with this crappy script format.

Jordan: Sounds good. (JO-4000, SA-4000)

 

Sandro: I'll go first! Draw! I'll play Medusa of Lies in attack mode! (ATK 1000) And I'll throw New paragraph WHY?

down 2 face-downs! Your turn.OH NO!! OROCHIMARU LOOKALIKE STOLE JADEN YUKI'S BODY!! WHY ELSE WOULD HE SHOUT THAT IDIOTIC LINE!? What does 'Medusa of Lies' look like anyways? I guess it looks like John Lennon. Boy, is Jordan gonna hate him.

 

Jordan: Draw! I'll summon Time-Bot Wisdoom in attackPOSITION!No. Just no. Wisdoom? WISDOOM? Wisdom and doom. WISDOM AND DOOM. Ah, forget it. I guess he looks like G.I. Joe or something, right? (ATK 1400) Now Wisdoom, attack his Medusa!G.I. Joe, attack his John!

G.I. Joe: Knowing is half the battle! *charges forward as music plays in the background*

 

Sandro: Don't think so! Because of my Medusa, your monster turns to stone, and can't attack!John gives off a cold stare and freezes Joe in place, turning him to stone in the process! Who knew he was so cold?

 

Jordan: Nice... I'll set one card face-down and end.

 

Sandro: Draw! I'll play my Medusa of Mischief! (ATK 1000)It's an Asian Elephant! Now all of my Medusa monsters gain 500 ATK! (Mischief- ATK 1500, Lies- ATK 1500) Now, Medusa of Lies can attack you directly! Attack! (JO-2500) Now Mischief, destroy his Wisdoom! Attack! (JO-2400) I'll end my turn.

 

Jordan: ... Draw!!!He doesn't really draw anything. He just kind of says what he SHOULD be doing. No wonder the blue meanie only has one card in his hand. I'll play my Time-Bot Balleen! (ATK 1800)I'm not even sure what that means. I'll just say this Time-Bot looks like Sylvetser Stallone, who is also Mr. Artillery in another story, apparently. Now I'll equip the Spell Card Demotion onTO, not on your Medusa of Mischief! Now Balleen, destroy his Mischief!Rocky Punch! Because that's one of the only movie series people know about that features Stallone! (SA-3700) Because of Balleen's effect, when he destroys a Level 2 monster in battle, the turn count moves forward by 2! You'll see what that does later, right now I end my turn.

 

Sandro: Draw!!DRAW!! THINK ABOUT MY NEXT MOVE!! PLACE A CARD FACE-DOWN!! THROW DOWN ANOTHER FACE-DOWN!! END TURN!! What's Orochimaru so excited about? You know, Jordan, that my monsters are based off of Greek mythology?YEAHDUH. The great evil lord Medusa!He's scaring me now. I mean, I know he's Orochimaru and all that, but if he's talking like that he should recognize Medusa as his IDOL. Is there a new religion called Gorgonism? You stand no chance! I'll activate the continuous spell, Stare-off!Sounds like a challenge in a reality show to me. When a Medusa monster destroys a monster in battle, I can place that card atON the top of your deck!

 

Jordan: What good is that? I'll just keep drawing it!

 

Sandro: You'll see... I play Medusa of Macabre! (ATK 2200)Argh! It's a short fat fluffy guy wearing a mask, the Nowhere Man! NOOOOES And as long as you don't go playing any Spell Cards,Thanks for saying that. NOW BLUE MEANIE IS GOING TO PLAY A SPELL CARD. he stays on the field! Macabre, destroy his Balleen! (JO-2000)Nowhere Man dances into Sylvester Stallone, blowing them both up. Your turn!

 

Jordan: Draw... Aha!Walk...Aha! I found a penny on the ground! *proceeds to say SQUEE* I'll play another Wisdoom from my hand! GEEEE IIII JOOOOOOO Then I'll activate my face-down Pyro clock of destiny, which moves the turn count forward by 1. And because of Wisdoom, I can Summon a Time-Bot from my hand-- preferably Time-Bot TunedTuned, not Synchron or even Tuner? Weird. He also looks like Max, that annoying kid from the Pokemon anime. I highly dislike him.! And I'll Synchro Summon my Time-Bot Grandfather! (ATK 2900)Because he didn't discard anything, the synchro apparently has no stars and does not require a Synchro Summon of any kind. Go figure. By the way, he's Wilbur, the pig from Charlotte's Web. He's some pig. GET IT!? AHAHAHAHAHAA I'll equip him with Axe of Time, Which boosts his ATK by 300 for each Time-Bot in the Graveyard, increasing his ATK by 1200! (ATK 4100) And because I played a spell, Macabre is destroyed!

 

Sandro: What?!?Well, DUH. If Orochimaru hadn't been such an IDIOT he might have won back there.

 

Jordan: Grandfather, attack directly! (SA-0)SOME PIG Lunge!

 

Sandro: Crap...All he has to say is crap. Then the chapter ends? Why didn't he say something like "I suck at dueling" or "You're a great duelist and I should fix my deck or even "Crap, I lost! See you later, Jordan"? Just about anything is better than plain-old CRAP.

Read some of the other fan fictions out there. Notice how the ones with more posts have description and often engaging duels, and even if they use script format they still have these traits? Take a look at this and one of those stories, and see how you can improve this one. For me, it's really hard to imagine the Blue Meanie going against Orochimaru in a duel where the Nowhere Man can defeat Sylvester Stallone in one body slam and Wilbur from Charlotte's Web saves the day. FIX IT!!

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