Sid. Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 The story takes place in several places in the world, each a different person in a different time, who slowly uncover a single plot to destroy the word. The story is written in 1st person, as it is their Journal we are getting the text from. Enjoy. This Fan Fic is rated PG 13 for Sexual Scenes, Intense Violence, and Language. [spoiler=Ch1.]Here we read the journal of a young Ammon, a child who was raised up in poverty. He lives with his mother and two sisters, since his dad was killed for defying the Pharaoh Tutankhamen, who is in power at this time. The year is 1337, and Ammon is raiding Tutankhamen's palace once again, trying to find treasure. As you may have noticed, he is a thief, and a very good one. He's raided the palace many times before, increasing the amount of gold and silver he takes each time. Today, I noticed something very different in Tutankhamen's palace. When I saw the pharaoh walk into his room, before he opened the door, he pressed on the brick next to the knob and there was a violent earthquake. Then he muttered something, and went into his "room". Then their was shaking again. But of course, I didn't give a sheet about what he did. I was only there to get what i needed, just to feed my family. I went up the stairway and was looking for his treasury. Unfortunately I couldn't find it, but I saw something very odd. As I was walking up the stairway I heard voices, and they were talking about something called "Omega". All i can remember from what they we're saying was a few words. Tomorrow, Omega, rock, and touch. What could they mean? But continuing on with my raid, iIwent back down the stairs, trying to avoid the whispering. I walked by a couple of rooms with slaves who were stripping and belly dancing in front of what seemed to be the Pharaoh's valued guests. You could see the pleasure in their faces, as the slaves took off their clothes. They looked like dogs, hungry for something tasty. Nasty people they were, who should feel the pain of being a servant. After I passed the slave quarters, I stopped by the kitchen. I was incredibly hungry, and there were only a few pieces of bread left. I took what i needed, and proceeded. I finally heard someone laughing and throwing something up in the air, and they fell to the ground, making a silvery type noise. That had to be the Treasury. As I put my back to the cold, dry wood that was the door, I realized that the laughing was likely feminine. I felt a girl obviously couldn't do anything to me, therefore I opened the door. And obviously my intuition was right, there was a slave, half naked and laughing, with her back facing the other side of the wall. Once I fully opened the door, it looked as if she got really pale and scared. Then she turned and looked at me. She asked if i was a relative, servant, or even a valued guest of the Pharaoh. I said no. She then looked at me and started laughing, thinking maybe he's here for money too. Then she said, if I remember correctly, "Come in! Take whatever you want!" I then proceeded to fill my leather bag with gold and silver. But then, as I turned to the door, the door shut. I was being watched. I instantly cursed, and told myself that hopefully it was just the wind. But how could it be the wind? We were inside and they were no windows. Who had seen me? I exited the door, without even telling the slave to leave. I heard the guards coming up the other way, with their torches in hand. I then remembered I have something no one else does, the PI. It was a candle that only brings light to whoever is holding it, therefore no one could see the amount of light i had. I took it out, used a nearby torch and lit the PI. Then i went up the stairs, and tried to find an exit. All i got was more trouble. What I had seen could very well have killed me. I opened what was a steel door, and the handle was hot. I just suspected it to be heated by the sun. I opened the door, and it was totally dark. It was a gigantic room. I saw flames coming out of thin air near the end, and i immediately got scared and left. I finally kept roaming through the palace, and I finally found the exit. I left, and went home. My family didnt know how i got the money, and they will never know. I still dont understand what i saw that day. Sorry if i have bad grammar =/ I just hope this time someone actually replies =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 I know you pointed out that your grammar needs improvement, but Kendo Fish must comment on it. Whenever you use an apostrophe you're combining two words, and "we're" should be "were" in one part early on. Also type on Microsoft Word or Apple Pages, or even Firefox browsers. they spell-check, and will point out the several lowercased "I"s. And why were people dancing in the guests? Somebody ate the dancers? Gross, regurgitate them right now! The other problem I had with this is it feels too rushed and needs some description. I assume Tut is Tutankhamen, but hey, it could be Tutenstein for all we, the audience, know. And are they in a temple, made out of wood and steel of all things? Did reality collapse in on itself and connect space and time in such an awkward manner? What's going on? Why are they in the 1337 year, of all years? I know even the main character doesn't know what's happening, but it begs an answer, and this chapter should probably combined with the next. All of that punishing criticism aside, it's a nice start, but could use touching up. Looks interesting, and I think I want to read moar. And I obviously mean more. =3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sid. Posted July 30, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Lol I write badly. Your right, I need to specify more. But its supposed to be like a journal, only one day from different people through different generations. They slowly uncover a truth of a plot to destroy the world, if that makes any sense =/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendo Fish Posted July 30, 2009 Report Share Posted July 30, 2009 Unless you made an edit while I wasn't looking, you DID say Tutankhamen. Oops. And for a journal the lack of description is alright, but a little describin' never hurt anyone...or DID IT!?!? It'll probably make more sense as the story progresses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sid. Posted July 31, 2009 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2009 Good idea. Ima proofread and add a little description before the journal part starts. Thanx for the CnC. ;D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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