feline card maker Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 ........... an explosion is detonated underneath the left tires of the van. The left tires are lifted off the ground and flung sideways. The van does several flipps in the air and hits a brick wall, the van smashes through the wall and hits the cold hard ground upside down. Yugi squeals for help as the van catches fire and starts to crumble. Tristan runs to the scene and tries to pull Yugi out of the van, but his leg is stuck.The flames spread across the van and the metal frame gets hot. Tristan starts to lose his grip.Then Yugi is sucked back under. His wails for help suddenly stop.Tristan is smashed over the head with something hard and everything goes black. Tea runs to joey with her body skined and bleeding. Tea tries to wake Joey up. "Joey!! Wake up!! Yugi is in trouble!" But Joey stays lifeless.Boom!!!! A huge explosion comes from the a big wherehouse that the van Yugi was in had crashed into. Tea tries to phone an ambulance on her cell phone but the batteries are dead."Come on you stupid phone! Work!!!" Tea screams.Weeeoooh weeeoooh weeeeoooh! The police speed down the street with the lights flashing blue and red neon colours and park outside of the destroyed wherehouse.Tea tries to drag Joey out of the pile of rubble but his leg is held down with a big block of concrete.Just then an ambulance rushes down the street. The ambulance stops in front of Joey. Three paramedics run out of the ambulance with a stretcher and haul Joey out of the pile of rubble and load him into the ambulance. Tea hopps in too and they drive away not in the direction of the hospital. Yugis eyes slowly open to showa blurry sillouette."Hello Yugi. I've been expecting you." ......................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 [align=center]Urm...no. >->First of all, this is more like a screenplay than a story.Secondly, you need to practice your grammar.Thirdly, try more length.Fourth, never bold words nor use onomatopoeia without a decent reason. 'Weeeoooh weeeoooh weeeeoooh!' could just have easily been, 'The scream of a police car suddenly filled the air as three vehicles came down the road, five officers coated in blue uniform coming out from the black-and-white cars.'Lastly, description in necessary.[/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feline card maker Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 um snitch?this is a sequal and it looks like a screenplay because it is one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 [align=center]I don't see what this being a sequel has to do with anything.Additionally, this is a forum for fan-fiction, stories, not screenplays. [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feline card maker Posted August 14, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 so? its for fanfiction stories that involve YuGiOh not "warriors." oh thats right I used bold.and i said your warriors fan fic was awsome but now i take it back! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rideouter Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 Isn't this the second part of your other story? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
☆ Master Sami ☆ Posted August 14, 2009 Report Share Posted August 14, 2009 I actually find it interesting, I wanna know who told yugi "I'm expecting you"!. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoltDragon Posted August 25, 2009 Report Share Posted August 25, 2009 probably yami... by the way what does screenplay means??? Its interesting but not Yu-Gi-Oh-ish you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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