General Assclown Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Well, there's no Literature Section (stories, books, etc.) so I'm going to have to post this here.... -.- Anyway, it's a story I have made for my English Task (make a fairytale). I don't know if it's against the rules (not YCM rules, I mean the teacher's rules) but I would like some help on it. Give me some tips, ideas, suggestions, etc. Please reply ASAP! Also, to anyone wondering, yes, I did add the banner into the Word Document (which is what I made the story on). It's crap but I'll receive extra marks :D. [align=center][spoiler=My Story] The Land of Zeus – Sir Alexandra Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom named Zeus. The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people but one day, a small dragon wandered its way into the land of Zeus and terrorized the land stealing cattle and destroying villages. The king didn’t have time to spare so he quickly invited some of his best and most noble knights in to his castle to discuss how they would put an end to the dragon. “Sir Christopher, Sir Alan and Sir Alexandra” said the king talking to his knights, “the dragon must be put down. It’s for the good of the people”. “This is madness!” replied Sir Alan, “I will not harm such a beautiful creature, especially a baby dragon”. He then stormed out of the room. “The dragon is a baby?” questioned Sir Christopher. “Yes but it must be put down. If it isn’t, my kingdom will suffer greatly” answered the king. “I agree with Sir Alan, I will not harm this infant dragon” said Sir Christopher as he marched out of the room following Sir Alan. “And you? What is your decision?” asked King Jesterson looking at Sir Alexandra. “I will fight if it means I will be saving the land I cherish” replied Sir Alexandra. “I hope you know that you may die” said the king. “I will die for my land” said Sir Alexandra. “You will be given a brand new horse, strong armour, a sharp sword and a protective shield” said the king walking with Sir Alexandra in the courtyard of the castle. “If I must fight, I want to use my own equipment and my valiant horse, Speed” Sir Alexandra said. “Fine” replied the king, “I trust that you will be leaving soon”. “Yes” said Sir Alexandra, “however, I would like a few days to myself for now to say my goodbyes”. **** A few days Later **** Sir Alexandra rode off, away from the safety of King Jesterson’s castle, into the high icy mountains that surrounded Zeus. He fought away bad thoughts and dreams, as he approached the cave where the small dragon lived. Sir Alexandra arrived the front entrance of the little dragon’s cave. This is for my family Sir Alexandra said in his mind. He dismounted his horse Speed and tied him up to a nearby tree. He then withdrew his sword, preparing for a surprise attack from the infant dragon. As the brave knight slowly walked into the cave, he noticed his surroundings. The cave was dark and full of burnt barrels and housetops. Sir Alexandra bravely continued to walk into the darkness, hoping that he would overcome his fear and end the dragon’s terror. The knight slowly crept around the gloomy cave, feeling the walls for guidance. He suddenly came up to a dead end. He felt the surface of the cave; it was hard yet soft, tough yet delicate, rough but smooth. A light started to appear in the darkness however, it was not a light but it was the infant dragon’s eye. Sir Alexandra leaped back for cover behind his shield. The baby dragon stood on its hind legs and blew flames as hard as it could towards the courageous knight. Sir Alexandra used his shield to block the flames then quickly ran towards the cave entrance with the small dragon quickly following. Sir Alexandra and the dragon reached the entrance of the cave and were now outside. The dragon leaped onto Sir Alexandra and squashed him down with his foot into the floor. Thinking that the knight was dead, the little dragon stared at Sir Alexandra for a while and then started heading back towards the cave. Knowing that he tricked the dragon, Sir Alexandra quickly sprang up from the floor and ran at the dragon. Surprising the dragon, Sir Alexandra jumped onto the baby’s back. “This is for Zeus!” cried out Sir Alexandra, shoving his sword into the dragon’s spine. **** Sir Alexandra returns to the Castle **** The king and his people gathered into the castle courtyard to celebrate Sir Alexandra’s victory. “Three cheers for the greatest knight in the kingdom of Zeus!” yelled King Jesterson. “Hooray, hooray, hooray!” cried the villagers. Sir Alan and Sir Christopher stood in the back of the crowd, whining and moaning about how they could’ve been the ones that killed the dragon. Sir Alexandra ran into the celebrative crowd towards a familiar woman. “You did it” said the woman. “I know, and together we can live in a peaceful land now!” yelled out Sir Alexandra, holding his wife. Sir Alexandra was given his own palace as a reward for getting rid of the dragon. The palace was as big as the king’s castle. It had a lake in the middle of the courtyard, a secret tranquil garden in a hidden room in the basement, ten rooms, a fantastic stable for his horse, Speed, and most of all, it was all Sir Alexandra’s. So, Sir Alexandra and his wife, Juliet, lived in the palace for the rest of their lives and lived happily ever after…. [spoiler=Version 2 (help from OMGAKITTY)]Once upon a time, in a far away land, there was a beautiful kingdom named Zeus. The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people, for being a kind and just king. He was wise, and the kingdom felt great peace and prosperity under his rule. But one day, a small dragon wandered its way into the land of Zeus and terrorized the land stealing cattle and destroying villages. The king didn’t have time to spare so he quickly invited some of his best and most noble knights in to his castle to discuss how they would put an end to the dragon. “Sir Christopher, Sir Alan and Sir Alexandra” said the king talking to his knights, “the little dragon must be put down. It’s for the good of the people”. “This is madness!” exclaimed Sir Alan, “I will not harm such a beautiful creature, especially a baby dragon”. He then stormed out of the room. “The dragon is a baby?” questioned Sir Christopher. “Yes but it must be put down. If it isn’t, my kingdom will suffer greatly” answered the king. “I agree with Sir Alan, I will not harm this infant dragon” said Sir Christopher as he marched out of the room following Sir Alan. “And you? What is your decision?” asked King Jesterson looking at Sir Alexandra. “I will fight if it means I will be saving the land I cherish” replied Sir Alexandra. “I hope you know that you may die” said the king. “I will die for my land” replied Sir Alexandra. “You will be given a brand new horse, strong armour, a sharp sword and a protective shield” said the king walking with Sir Alexandra in the courtyard of the castle. “Your majesty, if I must fight, I want to use my own equipment and my valiant horse, Speed” Sir Alexandra said. “Fine” replied the king, “I trust that you will be leaving soon”. “Yes” said Sir Alexandra, “however, I would like a few days to myself for now to say my goodbyes”. **** Days Later **** Sir Alexandra rode off, away from the safety of King Jesterson’s castle, into the high icy mountains that surrounded Zeus. He was constantly plagued by doubts and fears, but he fought them off, with the resolution only a true knight could show. He soon approached the cave where the small dragon lived. Sir Alexandra arrived the entrance of the little dragon’s cave. It was small and gloomy. The stench of smoke was buffering out of massive hole. This is for my family Sir Alexandra thought. He dismounted Speed and tied him up to a nearby tree. He then drew his sword, preparing for the worst. As the brave knight slowly walked into the cave, he noticed his surroundings. The cave was dark and full of burnt barrels and housetops. Sir Alexandra bravely continued to walk into the darkness, hoping that he would overcome his fear and end the dragon’s reign of terror. The knight slowly crept around the gloomy cave, feeling the walls for guidance. He suddenly came up to a dead end. He felt the surface of the cave; it was hard yet soft, tough yet delicate, rough but smooth. A light started to appear in the darkness however, however, it was not the flickering light of a torch, nor the bright shining light of the sun, but it was the eye of the infant dragon. Sir Alexandra leaped back, quickly raising his shield for cover. The baby dragon stood on its hind legs and blew flames as hard as it could towards the courageous knight. Sir Alexandra used his shield to block the flames then quickly ran towards the cave entrance with the small dragon quickly following. Sir Alexandra and the dragon reached the entrance of the cave. The dragon then leapt onto Sir Alexandra and squashed him down with his foot into the floor. Thinking that the knight was dead and that he was safe, the little dragon stared at Sir Alexandra for a while and then started heading back towards the cave. Knowing that he tricked the dragon, Sir Alexandra quickly sprang up from the floor and ran at the dragon. Surprising the dragon, Sir Alexandra jumped onto the baby’s back. The dragon quickly retaliated, rolling over and throwing Sir Alexandra onto the ground. The dragon then thrusted it’s front feet towards Sir Alexandra. He quickly dodged it then ran towards the dragon. The quickly turned out with great speed, whacking Sir Alexandra with its tail. The brave knight, lay there on the floor, motionless. The dragon, knowing that the knight may be faking his death again, walked towards the knight with its jaws wide open. Sir Alexandra sprang up from the floor and shoved his sword into the dragon’s mouth. **** Sir Alexandra returns to the castle **** (Not completed) [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilhorus Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Nice, But Id like more. :3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Assclown Posted August 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Nice' date=' But Id like more. :3[/quote'] ^^ Thanks ^^ Also, what have you been sniffing? Lol, I personally don't like the story but its all I can think of for making a fairytale. If there is any mistakes, etc. please say so! Thanks ^-^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Good story, and a not bad banner. But why would the land be named after a Greek God? O.O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Assclown Posted August 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 I don't know. I think of Zeus and I think of heroic, strong, etc. and I thought that perfectly fitted Sir Alexandra's personality so I just added it in somewhere (which ended up being the name of the land). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilhorus Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Nice' date=' But Id like more. :3[/quote'] ^^ Thanks ^^ Also, what have you been sniffing? Crack, weed, the list goes on. I also find Zeus quite odd. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felix Culpa Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 WHy'd you start with 'once upon a time' if this was in the land of Zeus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anonymous Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Why "small dragon" It should be "Giant, Deadly, Devastating everything around him - dragon"(maybe little less destructive) -"This is madness!"-Maddness?;-...-THIS IS SPARTA!!! Wait, if dragon is small how it can fall warrior down with his foot? Shouldn't fairy tale has some kind of moral at the end? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Womi Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Small dragons can already be bigger than a big adult. There's no definition where "small" ends and where "big" starts. So a small dragon can be something as big as a toy or almost as big as a house. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilhorus Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Small dragons can already be bigger than a big adult. There's no definition where "small" ends and where "big" starts. So a small dragon can be something as big as a toy or almost as big as a house. Exactly, for all we know the Dragon could be the size of an Atom or the size of VY Canis Majoris. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitty Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 you should add the Spartans in your story! =D and everything else Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom named Zeus. Fairy tale or not, I still think this is too cliche. :/ The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people but one day, a small dragon wandered its way into the land of Zeus and terrorized the land stealing cattle and destroying villages. You rush this. Expand more on what the Kingdom of Zeus is. Expand more on why everyone love Jesterson. Don't put it in the same sentence >_> ex: The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people, for being a kind and just king. He was wise, and the kingdom felt great peace and prosperity under his rule. But one day, .... Although some teachers don't like you starting sentences with a conjunction. The king didn’t have time to spare so he quickly invited some of his best and most noble knights in to his castle to discuss how they would put an end to the dragon. “Sir Christopher, Sir Alan and Sir Alexandra” said the king talking to his knights, “the dragon must be put down. It’s for the good of the people”. “This is madness!” repliedreplied is kind of a tame word. You used an exclamation mark, use a stronger word, like exclaim. Sir Alan, “I will not harm such a beautiful creature, especially a baby dragon”. He then stormed out of the room. Always start a new line of dialogue on a separate line. It looks less cluttered and is easier to read. “The dragon is a baby?” questioned Sir Christopher. “Yes but it must be put down. If it isn’t, my kingdom will suffer greatly” answered the king. “I agree with Sir Alan, I will not harm this infant dragon” said Sir Christopher as he marched out of the room following Sir Alan. “And you? What is your decision?” asked King Jesterson looking at Sir Alexandra. “I will fight if it means I will be saving the land I cherish” replied Sir Alexandra. “I hope you know that you may die” said the king. “I will die for my land” said Sir Alexandra. “You will be given a brand new horse, strong armour, a sharp sword and a protective shield” said the king walking with Sir Alexandra in the courtyard of the castle. “If I must fight, I want to use my own equipment and my valiant horse, Speed” Sir Alexandra said. should probably have her address the king as 'Your Majesty"...you know. Because he's royalty.“Fine” replied the king, “I trust that you will be leaving soon?” “Yes” said Sir Alexandra, “however, I would like a few days to myself for now to say my goodbyes”. **** A few days Later **** Sir Alexandra rode off, away from the safety of King Jesterson’s castle, into the high icy mountains that surrounded Zeus.Again, you probably should have mentioned things like this in the beginning paragraph. He Whoa wait, there's a guy named Alexandra?fought away bad thoughts and dreams, as he approached the cave where the small dragon lived. This sentence could be written better. I personally like the word 'plague'. as in, He was constantly plagued by doubts and fears, but he fought them off, with the resolution only a true knight could show. Sir Alexandra arrived at the front entrance of the little dragon’s cave. You could take this time to describe the cave a little more"This is for my family", Sir Alexandra said in his mind thought. He dismounted his horse Speed the reader already knows the horse's name is Speed. Either just say Speed, or just say horse. You don't need both. and tied him up to a nearby tree. He then withdrew his sword, preparing for a surprise attack from the infant dragon. Um, if he's preparing for a surprise attack from the dragon, its not really a surprise attack... As the brave knight slowly walked into the cave, he noticed his surroundings. The cave was dark and full of burnt barrels and housetops. Sir Alexandra bravely continued to walk into the darkness, hoping that he would overcome his fear and end the dragon’s reign of terror. The knight slowly crept around the gloomy cave, feeling the walls for guidance. He suddenly came up to a dead end. He felt the surface of the cave; it was hard yet soft, tough yet delicate, rough but smooth. A light started to appear in the darkness, however, it was not a light if its glowing, then its a light. try: however, it was not the flickering light of a torch, nor the bright shining light of the sun, but it was the infant dragon’s eyethe eye of the infant dragon. Sir Alexandra leaped back for cover behind his shield since the shield is on his arm, he really wouldn't be leaping back for the cover. Try: leaped back, quickly raising his shield for cover. The baby dragon stood on its hind legs and blew flames as hard as it could towards the courageous knight. Sir Alexandra used his shield to block the flames then quickly ran towards the cave entrance with the small dragon quickly following. Sir Alexandra and the dragon reached the entrance of the cave and were now outsideWell, duh they're outside, they just reached the entrance of the cave. You don't need to say they're outside.. The dragon leaped onto Sir Alexandra and squashed him down with his foot into the floor dangling modifier. Whose foot are you talking about? It is unclear.. Thinking that the knight was dead, the little dragon stared at Sir Alexandra for a while and then started heading back towards the cave. Uh. Why didn't it eat him? Knowing that he tricked the dragon, Sir Alexandra quickly sprang up from the floor and ran at the dragon. Surprising the dragon, Sir Alexandra jumped onto the baby’s back. “This is for Zeus!” cried out Sir Alexandra, shoving his sword into the dragon’s spine.You could draw the fight out a bit more, make it a bit more dramatic. This is the climax, after all. **** Sir Alexandra returns to the Castle **** The king and his people gathered into the castle courtyard to celebrate Sir Alexandra’s victory. “Three cheers for the greatest knight in the kingdom of Zeus!” yelled King Jesterson. “Hooray, hooray, hooray!” cried the villagers. Sir Alan and Sir Christopher stood in the back of the crowd, whining and moaning about how they could’ve been the ones that killed the dragon.That's...really dumb. They chose not to kill an infant. They wouldn't be moaning about it afterward. They didn't do it because they were afraid, they did it on moral grounds that it is wrong to kill an infant of any species. Sir Alexandra ran into the celebrative crowd towards a familiar woman. “You did it” said the woman. “I know, and together we can live in a peaceful land now!” yelled out Sir Alexandra, holding his wife.You really could have expanded on his family. The reader doesn't know anything about them, and can't really empathize with Alexandra's determination to slay the dragon. Sir Alexandra was given his own palace as a reward for getting rid of the dragon. The palace was as big as the king’s castle.I don't think a king would give a palace as grand as his own to anybody, regardless of how well they have served him It had a lake in the middle of the courtyard, a secret tranquil garden in a hidden room in the basement, ten rooms, a fantastic stable for his horse, Speed, and most of all, it was all Sir Alexandra’s. So, Sir Alexandra and his wife, Juliet, lived in the palace for the rest of their lives and lived happily ever after….You rush through the story. You don't give time for the readers to connect with your characters. You see, right now, I don't really give a damn that Alexandra won, or that he gets to live a happy life with his wife, that I didn't even know about until the end of the story. Its your job as an author to make me care. So get to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arekku_Koro Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 This has more mary sues and cliches than My Immortal... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cyber Altair Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 It really feels like a fairy tale story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Although some teachers don't like you starting sentences with a conjunction. I find that kind of stupid. If you don't want to combine two sentences, why can't you start with "And" or even "But"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Assclown Posted August 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 WHy'd you start with 'once upon a time' if this was in the land of Zeus. Well the "Once upon a time" is compulsory for the fairtytale part of the story. Why "small dragon" It should be "Giant' date=' Deadly, Devastating everything around him - dragon"(maybe little less destructive) -"This is madness!"-Maddness?;-...-THIS IS SPARTA!!! Wait, if dragon is small how it can fall warrior down with his foot? Shouldn't fairy tale has some kind of moral at the end?[/quote'] Wii0mi answered this. Also, I added the Sparta thing in there on purpose. I wanted to see if anyone realized. Small dragons can already be bigger than a big adult. There's no definition where "small" ends and where "big" starts. So a small dragon can be something as big as a toy or almost as big as a house. ^^ This (@Anonymous) ^^Small dragons can already be bigger than a big adult. There's no definition where "small" ends and where "big" starts. So a small dragon can be something as big as a toy or almost as big as a house. Exactly' date=' for all we know the Dragon could be the size of an Atom or the size of VY Canis Majoris.[/quote'] ^^ And this ^^ It really feels like a fairy tale story. Lol' date=' thanks ^-^. It was meant to be. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful kingdom named Zeus. Fairy tale or not, I still think this is too cliche. :/ The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people but one day, a small dragon wandered its way into the land of Zeus and terrorized the land stealing cattle and destroying villages. You rush this. Expand more on what the Kingdom of Zeus is. Expand more on why everyone love Jesterson. Don't put it in the same sentence >_> ex: The ruler of the land, King Jesterson, was greatly adored by his people, for being a kind and just king. He was wise, and the kingdom felt great peace and prosperity under his rule. But one day, .... Although some teachers don't like you starting sentences with a conjunction. The king didn’t have time to spare so he quickly invited some of his best and most noble knights in to his castle to discuss how they would put an end to the dragon. “Sir Christopher, Sir Alan and Sir Alexandra” said the king talking to his knights, “the dragon must be put down. It’s for the good of the people”. “This is madness!” repliedreplied is kind of a tame word. You used an exclamation mark, use a stronger word, like exclaim. Sir Alan, “I will not harm such a beautiful creature, especially a baby dragon”. He then stormed out of the room. Always start a new line of dialogue on a separate line. It looks less cluttered and is easier to read. “The dragon is a baby?” questioned Sir Christopher. “Yes but it must be put down. If it isn’t, my kingdom will suffer greatly” answered the king. “I agree with Sir Alan, I will not harm this infant dragon” said Sir Christopher as he marched out of the room following Sir Alan. “And you? What is your decision?” asked King Jesterson looking at Sir Alexandra. “I will fight if it means I will be saving the land I cherish” replied Sir Alexandra. “I hope you know that you may die” said the king. “I will die for my land” said Sir Alexandra. “You will be given a brand new horse, strong armour, a sharp sword and a protective shield” said the king walking with Sir Alexandra in the courtyard of the castle. “If I must fight, I want to use my own equipment and my valiant horse, Speed” Sir Alexandra said. should probably have her address the king as 'Your Majesty"...you know. Because he's royalty.“Fine” replied the king, “I trust that you will be leaving soon?” “Yes” said Sir Alexandra, “however, I would like a few days to myself for now to say my goodbyes”. **** A few days Later **** Sir Alexandra rode off, away from the safety of King Jesterson’s castle, into the high icy mountains that surrounded Zeus.Again, you probably should have mentioned things like this in the beginning paragraph. He Whoa wait, there's a guy named Alexandra?fought away bad thoughts and dreams, as he approached the cave where the small dragon lived. This sentence could be written better. I personally like the word 'plague'. as in, He was constantly plagued by doubts and fears, but he fought them off, with the resolution only a true knight could show. Sir Alexandra arrived at the front entrance of the little dragon’s cave. You could take this time to describe the cave a little more"This is for my family", Sir Alexandra said in his mind thought. He dismounted his horse Speed the reader already knows the horse's name is Speed. Either just say Speed, or just say horse. You don't need both. and tied him up to a nearby tree. He then withdrew his sword, preparing for a surprise attack from the infant dragon. Um, if he's preparing for a surprise attack from the dragon, its not really a surprise attack... As the brave knight slowly walked into the cave, he noticed his surroundings. The cave was dark and full of burnt barrels and housetops. Sir Alexandra bravely continued to walk into the darkness, hoping that he would overcome his fear and end the dragon’s reign of terror. The knight slowly crept around the gloomy cave, feeling the walls for guidance. He suddenly came up to a dead end. He felt the surface of the cave; it was hard yet soft, tough yet delicate, rough but smooth. A light started to appear in the darkness, however, it was not a light if its glowing, then its a light. try: however, it was not the flickering light of a torch, nor the bright shining light of the sun, but it was the infant dragon’s eyethe eye of the infant dragon. Sir Alexandra leaped back for cover behind his shield since the shield is on his arm, he really wouldn't be leaping back for the cover. Try: leaped back, quickly raising his shield for cover. The baby dragon stood on its hind legs and blew flames as hard as it could towards the courageous knight. Sir Alexandra used his shield to block the flames then quickly ran towards the cave entrance with the small dragon quickly following. Sir Alexandra and the dragon reached the entrance of the cave and were now outsideWell, duh they're outside, they just reached the entrance of the cave. You don't need to say they're outside.. The dragon leaped onto Sir Alexandra and squashed him down with his foot into the floor dangling modifier. Whose foot are you talking about? It is unclear.. Thinking that the knight was dead, the little dragon stared at Sir Alexandra for a while and then started heading back towards the cave. Uh. Why didn't it eat him? Knowing that he tricked the dragon, Sir Alexandra quickly sprang up from the floor and ran at the dragon. Surprising the dragon, Sir Alexandra jumped onto the baby’s back. “This is for Zeus!” cried out Sir Alexandra, shoving his sword into the dragon’s spine.You could draw the fight out a bit more, make it a bit more dramatic. This is the climax, after all. **** Sir Alexandra returns to the Castle **** The king and his people gathered into the castle courtyard to celebrate Sir Alexandra’s victory. “Three cheers for the greatest knight in the kingdom of Zeus!” yelled King Jesterson. “Hooray, hooray, hooray!” cried the villagers. Sir Alan and Sir Christopher stood in the back of the crowd, whining and moaning about how they could’ve been the ones that killed the dragon.That's...really dumb. They chose not to kill an infant. They wouldn't be moaning about it afterward. They didn't do it because they were afraid, they did it on moral grounds that it is wrong to kill an infant of any species. Sir Alexandra ran into the celebrative crowd towards a familiar woman. “You did it” said the woman. “I know, and together we can live in a peaceful land now!” yelled out Sir Alexandra, holding his wife.You really could have expanded on his family. The reader doesn't know anything about them, and can't really empathize with Alexandra's determination to slay the dragon. Sir Alexandra was given his own palace as a reward for getting rid of the dragon. The palace was as big as the king’s castle.I don't think a king would give a palace as grand as his own to anybody, regardless of how well they have served him It had a lake in the middle of the courtyard, a secret tranquil garden in a hidden room in the basement, ten rooms, a fantastic stable for his horse, Speed, and most of all, it was all Sir Alexandra’s. So, Sir Alexandra and his wife, Juliet, lived in the palace for the rest of their lives and lived happily ever after….You rush through the story. You don't give time for the readers to connect with your characters. You see, right now, I don't really give a damn that Alexandra won, or that he gets to live a happy life with his wife, that I didn't even know about until the end of the story. Its your job as an author to make me care. So get to it. OMG, YOU EARNED REPS! Although, could you be a wee bit nicer next time? Lol. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted August 17, 2009 Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Although some teachers don't like you starting sentences with a conjunction. I find that kind of stupid. If you don't want to combine two sentences' date=' why can't you start with "And" or even "But"?[/quote'] English class is stupid. Every year, the teacher tells you to forget everything you learned the previous year because its wrong. Although they explain it pretty well in "Finding Forrester" Starting a sentence with a conjunction can draw attention to the passage, but over using it can become distracting[/paraphrase] Pretty much, learn MLA formatting for essays, then read a bunch of books and develop your own writing style. Because the stuff they teach in schools is worthless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
General Assclown Posted August 17, 2009 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2009 Although some teachers don't like you starting sentences with a conjunction. I find that kind of stupid. If you don't want to combine two sentences' date=' why can't you start with "And" or even "But"?[/quote'] English class is stupid. Every year, the teacher tells you to forget everything you learned the previous year because its wrong. Although they explain it pretty well in "Finding Forrester" Starting a sentence with a conjunction can draw attention to the passage, but over using it can become distracting[/paraphrase] Pretty much, learn MLA formatting for essays, then read a bunch of books and develop your own writing style. Because the stuff they teach in schools is worthless. Lol. That's sooooooooooooooooo true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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