One (reconstructed Poem)

[Kitty]

Hmm.. Yes i fixed my poem.. I rewrote it last night so heres the New version..

And you can Criticize but keep it at minimum...please

I created a title too

And naturally it's about Love... I am a Romance Writer... after all. =D

One

 

We are one

you and I

always together

for all fo forever

 

We are one

though we are hated

by the ones who should understand

and their hatred huge as land

 

We are on

you and I

the whole world ahead

our love thick as lead

 

We are one

free and young

as any couple could be

our future is all to see

 

We are one

you and I

one day married happily away

with all the hatred out of our way.

[Huntar!]

Um, I think I understand it. LOL, it gets longer as it goes.

[Megami Seika]

i like it pretty good for a boored poem

[Kitty]

=D

thanks.. I'll prolly add to it somemore later on...

and post it..

[Womi]

...good!

 

I like it, as it's getting longer and longer while you read it.

Is this a new trend with all the poems???

[OMGAKITTY]

.....So how are these kinds of threads not spam? There is nothing to discuss, because OP has prohibited any critique on the work. I didn't say anything when Hunter did it because A) it was apparently a sensitive subject, B) he's a mod so he can do these kinds of things.

 

I'd post something on topic, but there is no topic to post on.

[Womi]

.....So how are these kinds of threads not spam? There is nothing to discuss' date=' because OP has prohibited any critique on the work. I didn't say anything when Hunter did it because A) it was apparently a sensitive subject, B)[b'] he's a mod so he can do these kinds of things.[/b]

 

I'd post something on topic, but there is no topic to post on.

 

No. Not at all.

And you can post anything about this poem. Although it is said "please nothing bad", I would be surprised if OMGAK listens to it. So, go on.

[OMGAKITTY]

.....So how are these kinds of threads not spam? There is nothing to discuss' date=' because OP has prohibited any critique on the work. I didn't say anything when Hunter did it because A) it was apparently a sensitive subject, B)[b'] he's a mod so he can do these kinds of things.[/b]

 

I'd post something on topic, but there is no topic to post on.

 

No. Not at all.

And you can post anything about this poem. Although it is said "please nothing bad", I would be surprised if OMGAK listens to it. So, go on.

 

Icy would ban me again. :/

[Womi]

.....So how are these kinds of threads not spam? There is nothing to discuss' date=' because OP has prohibited any critique on the work. I didn't say anything when Hunter did it because A) it was apparently a sensitive subject, B)[b'] he's a mod so he can do these kinds of things.[/b]

 

I'd post something on topic, but there is no topic to post on.

 

No. Not at all.

And you can post anything about this poem. Although it is said "please nothing bad", I would be surprised if OMGAK listens to it. So, go on.

 

Icy would ban me again. :/

 

He bans everybody, so nvm.

[Kitty]

.....So how are these kinds of threads not spam? There is nothing to discuss' date=' because KP has prohibited any critique on the work. I didn't say anything when Hunter did it because A) it was apparently a sensitive subject, B) he's a mod so he can do these kinds of things.

 

I'd post something on topic, but there is no topic to post on.

 

in red = cuz u talk about the poem, guess who it's about, discuss the origins, and everything else..

 

 

in blue = wow ur actually listening.. u can critisize i just won't read it.. and it would help if u put it in a spoiler

 

in orange = So it may have been sensitive... some pple critisize it anyway.. ur just scared of getting banned >.> =)

[OMGAKITTY]

@Kitty: I kind of doubt it this was 'sensitive' since you posted that you did it out of boredom.

 

But fine, I'll comment on the work.

 

You break rhyme scheme with the second stanza, and the last line looks awkward and out of place.

 

you use the wrong 'their' in the third stanza.

And you switch to yet another rhyme scheme >_>

 

The rhythm on the last stanza feels really awkward to me, but then apparently I have a really weird sense of rhythm. So maybe its nothing.

 

The poem's lack of consistency with rhyming really kills the flow.

[Kitty]

fine fair enough...

i kno my poems aren't perfect..

i just go with whut i'm feeling...

and write stuff... then word it..

I have no style in which i write.. I let my poetry freely flow.. so naturaly.. my stanzas and rhyme are wrong... and i wrote not the poem out of bordum..it says something.. but it says it in my language.. i see it as poems are the style of their writers language.. some harder to understand than others.. i wrote my poem to express something... but thanks for the critizism...

[Womi]

@Kitty: I kind of doubt it this was 'sensitive' since you posted that you did it out of boredom.

 

But fine' date=' I'll comment on the work.

 

You break rhyme scheme with the second stanza, and the last line looks awkward and out of place.

 

you use the wrong 'their' in the third stanza.

And you switch to yet another rhyme scheme >_>

 

The rhythm on the last stanza feels really awkward to me, but then apparently I have a really weird sense of rhythm. So maybe its nothing.

 

The poem's lack of consistency with rhyming really kills the flow.

[/quote']

Well, this was a good critique.

[HORUS]

A bit cliche and emo, but, surprisingly, I liked it.

[OMGAKITTY]

fine fair enough...

i kno my poems aren't perfect..

i just go with whut i'm feeling...

and write stuff... then word it..

I have no style in which i write.. I let my poetry freely flow.. so naturaly.. my stanzas and rhyme are wrong... and i wrote not the poem out of bordum..it says something.. but it says it in my language.. i see it as poems are the style of their writers language.. some harder to understand than others.. i wrote my poem to express something... but thanks for the critizism...

 

 

I just put words together and it's random cuz i was bored... >.<

 

I never said it was hard to understand. Its rather easy to understand. I said it didn't flow and some of the lines felt awkward to me.

[Kitty]

fine fair enough...

i kno my poems aren't perfect..

i just go with whut i'm feeling...

and write stuff... then word it..

I have no style in which i write.. I let my poetry freely flow.. so naturaly.. my stanzas and rhyme are wrong... and i wrote not the poem out of bordum..it says something.. but it says it in my language.. i see it as poems are the style of their writers language.. some harder to understand than others.. i wrote my poem to express something... but thanks for the critizism...

 

 

I just put words together and it's random cuz i was bored... >.<

 

I never said it was hard to understand. Its rather easy to understand. I said it didn't flow and some of the lines felt awkward to me.

 

 

i lol'd =D

it's understandable...

I'm an Awkward person so everything i do is Awkward.. ^^

 

@ HORUS : Thank you.. ^^ I'm glad u like it.. =3

[Huntar!]

OMGAKITTY, you can comment, without giving a critique.

[OMGAKITTY]

OMGAKITTY' date=' you can comment, without giving a critique.

[/quote']

 

Then anything negative I have to say about it is considered flaming, and anything positive I say looks like I'm one of those suck-up weaboos on deviantart that simply loves xxxx-member's art, regardless of what the hell it is.

[Kitty]

Hm bump..

 

and OMGAKITTY yep.. =D

[Anie17]

I let my balladry advisedly flow.. so naturaly.. my stanzas and beat are wrong... and i wrote not the composition out of bordum..it says something.. but it says it in my language..

 

 

_________________

Freelance writing jobs

[Kitty]

eh.. i have no idea whut u just said..

so i lolnewbie =D

[alcaldias_27]

looks like a bunch of words that weaved together to make a good poem. Pretty good, but some lines can be improved more.

[Kitty]

thanks.. and naturally... I'm not that good.. i failed all my poetry tests.. after all XD

[Kitty]

bumping 1 last time

[(CC)]

ok.... good poem