Final Fan-Fics ~ Closed due to lack of interest :P

[Kizzi]

The next chapter was excellent....

BUT

I don't really like most of the "Bumble Beat" pics...

Techno is cool.

The rest aren't.

[Umbra]

My opinions:

Dance Dance Revolution rules: Just don't. Needlessly complicated. Summoning in the right spot, or else you take 500 points of damage? Same with S/T:s? No. Not ever.

 

Chapter itself: Good, even though it felt a little slow.

 

Character - Hana: Perfect. The average "annoying, giggling, person."

[Kocrow17]

The next chapter was excellent....

BUT

I don't really like most of the "Bumble Beat" pics...

Techno is cool.

The rest aren't.

Yes' date=' I agree 100% on the Bumble Beats. I look back and now wish I hadn't rushed them. Thanks for the feedback.

 

My opinions:

Dance Dance Revolution rules: Just don't. Needlessly complicated. Summoning in the right spot, or else you take 500 points of damage? Same with S/T:s? No. Not ever.

 

Chapter itself: Good, even though it felt a little slow.

 

Character - Hana: Perfect. The average "annoying, giggling, person."

XD Dance Dueling Revolution is supposed to be that way, ridiculously complicated. It's how a higher ranking duelist like Naomi is losing to someone on a lower level. I never plan to make the actual card, so Dance Dueling will forever stay an "anime-only" idea that will most likely never occur again.

Good to know you liked the Hana character. Although Dance Dueling will never appear again, I'm still deciding wether to make her a recurring character or not.

[Shaco]

um, hey, about Chapter 6. I just started to read your fan-fic today (very good btw).

 

And I was just wondering, when you - I mean "he" - activated curse of lineage, how did it work? Since the Queen was technically an Insect-Type when you activated it, right?

 

(just about to start reading the 7th chapter. I hope it's as good as the others ^^)

[JerryFreelance]

Surprisingly, there were a lot of grammar errors, and a couple tense mistakes...

 

But the chapter was still great!

 

Hana needs to piss off. I hate her.

 

Another thing that was kind of bad was how for each moveset she was given, her moves and hand and whatnot fit perfectly into her circle of ownage.

 

She got everything perfect =/

 

Can't wait to see the next chapter!

[Kocrow17]

um' date=' hey, about Chapter 6. I just started to read your fan-fic today (very good btw).

 

And I was just wondering, when you - I mean "he" - activated curse of lineage, how did it work? Since the Queen was technically an Insect-Type when you activated it, right?

 

(just about to start reading the 7th chapter. I hope it's as good as the others ^^)

[/quote']

What's "when you - I mean "he" - activated curse of lineage" supposed to mean? Implying Nathaniel is based on me? Anyway, I screwed up on Lineage. I'll change it to Attribute.

 

Surprisingly, there were a lot of grammar errors, and a couple tense mistakes...

 

But the chapter was still great!

 

Hana needs to piss off. I hate her.

 

Another thing that was kind of bad was how for each moveset she was given, her moves and hand and whatnot fit perfectly into her circle of ownage.

 

She got everything perfect =/

 

Can't wait to see the next chapter!

Yeah, my grammar sucks, lol. Hana has used Dance Dueling Revolution throughout her dueling career, her cards can play off of the Dance Dueling strategy perfectly. Oh, and she cheats XD.

 

Thanks for the posts, guys! It's what keeps me writing! Expect a new chapter tomorrow!

[Guest]

not bad hana needs to die and also needs necroface in there

[Shaco]

um' date=' hey, about Chapter 6. I just started to read your fan-fic today (very good btw).

 

And I was just wondering, when you - I mean "he" - activated curse of lineage, how did it work? Since the Queen was technically an Insect-Type when you activated it, right?

 

(just about to start reading the 7th chapter. I hope it's as good as the others ^^)

[/quote']

What's "when you - I mean "he" - activated curse of lineage" supposed to mean? Implying Nathaniel is based on me? Anyway, I screwed up on Lineage. I'll change it to Attribute.

 

 

 

No, no ^^

I just accidentally said "you" and I was too lazy to just change it, so I added that, really. Besides, it sounds more like I was actually talking, eh?

 

I really liked the 7th chapter, but I was a bit confused by the whole set up.

[JerryFreelance]

Sweet

 

It's tomorrow now :]

 

Posty :]]]]

[Logmon1]

I personnally love the DDR card, and Hana....

 

it's the bumble beats I don't like...

 

Anyway, your dueling is great, but you development seems extreamly cliche... hell, the fact that he has only lost once as of yet already makes me hate Clovis, just like I hated Yuji and Jaden. And now if Naomi is leading into a relationship with Clovis as it seems she is, I will probably have to hunt you down and kick you. Repeatedly.

 

Remember kids, cliche fanfics cause brain tumors.

 

Chapter Seven rating: 8/10, just because I love Hana and her DDR card, reminds me of how my GH song cards could always be even more confusing.

 

Overall Rating of fanfic: 5/10, some cool characters, awesome cards, a great duels.

[Kocrow17]

Thanks for the posts/reviews everyone! It's what keeps me writing. Logmon, after reading your post, I think you're going to like this chapter's ending. Bhim, I hope this chapter has better grammar than the last. Also, there is a small "Easter Egg" in this chapter. It's nothing really special, but let's see how many of you find it.

 

New Character:

[i do not own this character design. I merely use it as an example of the likeness of my character. I do not claim ownership of it.]

 

 

“Alexander?” asked Nathaniel.

 

“Yeah, I dueled him myself,” said Marcus. “I think you should too.”

 

“Are you alright, you seem different...” Nathaniel looked his friend over. There was definitely something off about him.

 

“Come, allow him to save your soul.” Marcus held out his hand to Nathaniel.

 

“No thanks,” replied Nathaniel, pulling his own hand away. “I like my soul the way it is, damned to Hell.” This was followed by a small smile. But when his friend didn’t smile with him, he asked, “Marcus, what's going on?”

 

Marcus suddenly grew cross. “Listen, you’re going to join us. You have to!”

 

Nathaniel didn’t respond this time. He just turned his back and started walking away. He didn’t see the other figures step out from the shrouded alley behind Marcus.

 

“I’m sorry, lord Alexander. I couldn’t convince him,” apologized Marcus.

 

“It matters not my child,” said Alexander, placing his hand on Marcus’s shoulder. “Not even I could have convinced him. But I did see into his mind. We just need to offer what he wants most in this world. Tell me, who is this Naomi?”

 

 

Chapter 8: Friendship of Dueling? Naomi’s Decision!

 

 

If I lose this duel, Clovis will stay with me. But he may never snap out of whatever’s going on with him. Naomi was deep in thought, trying to sort out her feelings. If I win, Clovis may get back in the duelist spirit again. But... He won’t want to see me again...

 

“...Are you going to make a move?” asked Hana, Naomi’s opponent. The crowd was just as anxious to see her next move.

 

I’m so sorry, Clovis. I’d rather we both stay duelists and never see each other again, then be friends and take away what means the most to you. At least that way, we can meet as opponents one day.

 

“I’m tributing Dragon of Terraforming!” The reptilian dragon began to glow and sank away into the earth. “I summon, the White Horned Dragon (6/2200/1400)!” An echoing BOOM, followed by a pillar of blinding light. The whole arcade began to shake, games began to short circuit. From the rising glowing pillar stepped a large red dragon, a shining white horned protruding from its forehead. It swung backs its head and let out a thunderous roar.

 

Everyone in the arcade looked in awe. Even Hana was at a loss for words. Clovis raised his head, recognizing the monster. The one that was illusrated on the card he had given Naomi.

 

“Now for my dragon’s special ability! I’m removing five of the spells in your graveyard to increase its attack power well beyond your monster’s (2200 –> 3700). White Horned Dragon, attack Prima!”

 

The dragon pulled back its head and then launched it forward, attempting to pierce Prima with its white horn. But the dancer caught the horn between her hands.

 

“Weren’t you listening? My Prima can’t be destroyed in battle.”

 

NAOMI: 200

HANA: 3300

 

“I know, that’s why I played this card, Goliath Endeavor (Quick-Play Spell)! After my monster battles with a higher level monster, it can attack once again!”

 

HANA: 2600

 

“...and again!”

 

HANA: 1900

 

“... and again!”

 

HANA: 1200

 

“...and again!”

 

HANA: 500

 

The White Horned Dragon swung its head back and forth rapidly. Each slash cutting a chunk out of Hana’s life points when it hit Bumble Beat Prima.

 

“Please, stop!” Hana cried out.

 

Naomi looked over at Clovis, who was now fixated on the duel. “I’m sorry...” she whispered. She turned her attention back to her monster. “White Horned Dragon, finish her!”

 

HANA: 0

 

Hana slumped down to her knees and started wailing. Naomi jumped down from the stage. Clovis walked up to her.

 

“Naomi...”

 

“Clovis, you don’t need to say it. I lied to you... That card you gave me is really rare. Even more so than the card I lost to Bahrei... I just didn't want to see you go...”

 

“It was worth more? Well in that case...” Clovis put his arms behind his head. “You owe me.”

 

Naomi looked puzzled at him.

 

“You can’t get rid of me until you pay back your debt,” he continued.

 

Naomi could feel her eyes shaking, on the brink of tears. “You idiot,” she said, turning her head.

 

“Will you two stop playing around?” asked Icarus, steppin from the crowd between the two of them. “You guys need to go out and find some more opponents.”

 

“Oh, that’s right! Let’s go!” said Clovis.

 

Naomi smiled. That’s the Clovis I know.

 

* * * * *

 

Clovis, Naomi, and Icarus wandered through the park. Many duelists had gathered there, it being a nice peaceful environment for a duel. It was almost instantly that they received a challenge. A duelist who didn’t look like he was in duel academy. “Any of you want to duel?”

 

Naomi and Icarus turned to Clovis. “Uh, it’s alright guys, you can go first, Naomi.”

 

“You sure?” she asked.

 

“Yeah, I’m going to walk around for a bit. I’ll be back soon.” Clovis waved and started heading down a path.

 

Icarus and Naomi looked at each other, wondering if Clovis really was back to normal.

 

* * * * *

 

Clovis had taken a path into a small forest at the edge of the park, away from everyone else in the park. As he walked, he looked down at the deck inserted into his duel disk. His fake smiled faded. He wondered how he could possibly duel again. All this time, he thought. I’ve been cheating...

 

Eventually, the trees around him began to thin and he was on the opposite side of the park. A flash of movement. In the time it would have taken him to blink, Clovis watched the top card of his deck fly from his duel disk. It took him a moment to register what had happened. He looked up and saw a woman on roller blades come to a stop a few metres away from him. She raised her right hand and flashed the "Kiyohime" card in her hand.

 

“Hey, give that back!” called Clovis. He started to run towards her, but she just took off, gliding over the ground. Clovis continued to pursue her. She eventually left the park and started blading down the sidewalk. Every now and then she’d look back and smile, making sure Clovis was still following her.

 

The card thief turned down an alley on the left and stopped. Clovis followed after her, panting.

 

“I’m glad you were able to keep up with me,” said the woman. “I would have hated to keep this card.” With a twist of her wrist, the card was thrown into the air and slowly drifted down back to into Clovis’s hands.

 

“Who are you?” Clovis asked, puzzled as to why she was giving back the card.

 

The woman pulled down her hood and removed the goggles from her eyes. “My name’s Sidney. I’m in the Kaiser Grand Open and want to duel you. I was there when you lost to that Nathaniel guy at the docks. I’m glad I got to run into you, Clovis.”

 

“You know, you could have just asked for a duel.”

 

Sidney just shook her head and said, “nuh-uh, it’s all about location. I decided it’d be more fun to duel here.”

 

Clovis raised an eyebrow. For someone who cared about scenery, she hadn’t chosen a very “scenic” location. To Clovis’s right was a large stone stairway, a metal hand railing dividing it down the middle. It looked like it led up to a train station or something, but Clovis had no idea. This was his first time in Domino City. Other than that, there were buildings on each side of the two of them.

 

Sidney raised her left arm and Clovis noticed her duel disk for the first time. It looked like a traditional Battle City duel disk, but some of its panels were missing, and wires were sticking out here and there. Also, painted across it, was a logo featuring the mythical nine-tailed fox.

 

“Does that thing even work?” asked Clovis. “It looks like a piece of junk.”

 

“Trust me,” Sidney replied. “It’s a lot more use than your precious ‘Duel Academy’ duel disk. This is an urban duel disk.”

 

“Whatever it’s called, it won’t make a difference. It’s the cards that matter.” Clovis activated his duel disk and drew his starting hand. Sweet, he thought. This hand is a perfect way to start. The thought suddenly made him realize something. Yes, this hand is perfect... But is it because of this “gift” that Nathaniel was talking about? A sickening feeling wormed its way though his gut.

 

“Snap out of it, I’m making my move.” Sidney drew her card. “I’m summoning Storm Rider, Ikki (4/1500/1500).” A teenager materialized on the field. To Clovis’s surprise, this monster looked a lot like him. He even had the same hair and build. “It’s your turn.”

 

Clovis drew his card. Perfect, thought Clovis, looking down at his card. But that same sickening feeling came back to his stomach. “I... summon Righteous Rabbit (4/1700/300). He attacks your Storm Rider!” The rabbit wielding the sword appeared on Clovis’s field yet again. It pulled back its blade and swung it at the Storm Rider.

 

“Ikki, wall climb!” Sideny called. The Storm Rider, Ikki, nodded in acknowledgment and placed one of his roller blades against the wall on his left. The wheels began to move, powered by hidden motors. His leg swung upward, then the other above it and so on. Ikki was scaling the walls in a looping fashion, each leg swinging above the other. It wasn’t long before he reached the top of the building and sat on its edge, legs dangling. He lifted his hand and waved down at Righteous Rabbit, who looked bewildered on what exactly he should do.

 

“What? I thought your monster had no effect, and you didn’t have any traps face down! How did you...”

 

Sidney laughed. “A long time ago, I was part of the strongest dueling gang in all of Domino City. We set up small devices all over the city that can affect any duel disk's program. There is even one in that wall Ikki just climbed. You can only activate these devices in a duel by using one of our hacked duel disks. The gang may have long since split up, but I still carry with me what made them so strong. The Terrain Command!”

 

Clovis now understood why Sidney had led him to this exact spot. “Your monster maybe out of harms way, but it looks like my rabbit has a clear shot at you. Go, Righteous Rabbit!” The rabbit swung its sword again, this time targeting Sidney.

 

CLOVIS: 4000

SIDNEY: 2300

 

“No problem. Now that your turn is over, Ikki jumps down to the field.” The stormrider did as Sidney said and she drew her card. “I’ll summon my Gene Warped Warwolf (4/2000/100).” A humanoid white wolf with four arms appeared next to Ikki. Like the first monster, Warwolf was a Normal Monster.

 

“How can a level four monster have such high attack points?”

 

“Since he has no effect, I guess that means he gets to make up for it with attack that exceeds any average monster. In fact, almost every monster in my deck is a normal monster. But because of the Terrain Command, it’s as if they have effects anyway. Let me show you a new Terrain Command. Ikki, grind!”

 

Ikki jumped into the air and out of sight. Clovis looked around, trying to find out where he had gone. Then, he heard a metal scraping sound to his right right. Sliding down the metal railing was Ikki. The monster grinded down, and when he reach the bottom, kicked forward, hitting Clovis.

 

CLOVIS: 2500

SIDNEY: 2300

 

“Since I can only use one Terrain Command each turn, it looks like my Gene Warped Warwolf will attack your bunny rabbit.” The genetic wolfman jumped forward and crashed into Clovis’s monster, destroying it.

 

CLOVIS: 2200

 

“It’s you move, make sure it’s a good one.” Sidney gave a wink at Clovis.

 

Clovis payed no attention and drew his card. Just what I needed! Again, that feeling returned. Then Clovis realized what it was, guilt. It’s been this “gift” that been letting me win. I draw every card I need, I never needed to plan my moves. All this time, I’ve been cheating...

 

Clovis tucked the card he just drew into his hand. He decided he wasn’t going to use it. “I summon Giant Peach (4/0/2100)! Then I’m using my spell card, Trap Trigger (Normal Spell)! I can activate a Trap Card from my hand, so I’m using Spirit Lantern (Normal Trap) to turn summon my Giant Peach into Momotaro, the Peach Boy (8/2700/2100)!” The giant peach split open and out jumped a red and blue samurai. “That’s not all! When he’s summoned, I get to bring out one of his animal friends from my deck. Say hello to my bird Momotaro Animal (2/700/300).”

 

“Aw, what a cute little birdie,” said Sidney, admiring the small green chick that had appeared on the field next to Momotaro. It’s wings were placed in front of it, preemptively guarding itself from future attacks.

 

“Now let’s have my Momotaro destroy your Storm Rider!” The samurai swings its sword forward, but only hit the ground. Ikki had disappeared and reappeared on top of the building.

 

“Sorry, but the wall climb command protects Ikki. I thought I already told you this.”

 

“Yeah, and you also told me that you can only use one Terrain Command each turn. That means your werewolf can escape! Go, Momotaro!” Momotaro swung his sword to his left, slicing the unsuspecting bio-wolf in half.

 

CLOVIS: 2200

SIDNEY: 1600

 

Ikki jumped back down to the field and Sidney drew her card. “I’m activating Swing of Memories (Normal Spell). This lets me bring back my Gene Warped Warwolf for one turn.” The wolf reappeared on the field. “Next, I’ll give him some bling. It’s my Amulet of Ambition (Equip Spell). Now my wolf is attacking your Momotaro, and the bigger the difference in their levels, the more powerful my wolf becomes!” (2000 –> 4000)

 

Gene Warped Werewolf grew to twice its size and destroyed Momotaro as easily as it had with Clovis’s last monster.

 

CLOVIS: 900

SIDNEY: 1600

 

“Oh, and Ikki doesn’t have to bother fighting that bird of yours. Ikki, grind!”

 

Clovis looked to his right. Ikki was once again grinding down the rail towards him. The sound of scraping metal. Sparks flying from Ikki’s roller blades. With one swift kick, Ikki knocked Clovis to the ground.

 

CLOVIS: 0

 

“Dammit!” Clovis slammed his fist against the ground. “I can’t trust my cards... I can’t trust my own abilities... That leaves...” Clovis looked up at Sidney, who was doing a little victory dance. Clovis quickly jumped to his feet and swiped at her left arm.

 

“Hey!” she screamed, shifting her body to move out of range.

 

“Your duel disk, I need it, please.”

 

“I don’t think so! Don’t be a sore loser!”

 

Clovis wouldn’t take “no” as an answer. He lunged forward again, determined to get his hands on this “urban” duel disk. Sidney avoided him again and started skating down the alley away from him. Clovis persistently chased after her. He caught up to her as she was turning the corner onto the street. He grabbed onto her shoulder.

 

“I said no!” Sidney swung her arm back, her elbow hitting Clovis hard in the face. His hand let go and he fell back onto the ground. His cards fell from his duel disk and onto the street. He could feel his nose was bleeding, but didn’t care. He could see people stopping in the street bending over to pick up his cards, but didn’t care. He could see Sidney gliding away in fear, but didn’t care.

 

Clovis closed his eyes, and let the world slip away.

 

NEXT TIME: What’s happened to me?! Guiding words of the “game master” shopkeeper!

 

 

TERRAIN COMMAND CORNER! A look at the Terrain Commands used in this chapter! [There are 10 Different Terrain Commands in total so far...]

 

1. Wall Climb

Activate only when the monster closest to this TR is select as an attack target. Remove from play that monster until the end of turn.

 

2. Grind

A Level 4 or lower monster you control can attack your opponent directly.

 

TIP: Remember, you can only activate 1 Terrain Command per turn.

[Yankee]

Very cool Kaze. This was a cool chapter ^_^

 

I can't wait untill the next one ^_^

[Shaco]

Very cool Kaze. This was a cool chapter ^_^

 

I can't wait untill the next one ^_^

 

Same here.

 

Are the terrain commanders going to become a big part of the story line? O_O

If so, then sweet ^^

[JerryFreelance]

EXTREMELY interesting. I LOVED that chapter.

 

When Clovis lost, my eyes went sooooo big.

 

Fantastic. I have the same question as Shaco.

[Kizzi]

Awesome new chapter. Wow.

I have the same question as Shaco and bhim xD

[Kocrow17]

I am SSSSOOOO glad you guys liked the idea of the Terrain Command. I was worried you guys would see it as being cheap or something, lol. But I wanted to create an opponent Clovis could lose to and so "Terrain Command" + "Doubts in the cards" = A LOSS.

 

As for the Terrain Command, it will be playing a part in the fanfic, but sorry to say, not for a while. Guaranteed chapters 9, 10, and 11 will not feature it due to the duelists I have matched up.

 

What I really want to know is:

1. How was the "Sidney" character?

2. How was the ending with Clovis falling and abandoing his cards? Also, how's the fact his duel record is 0-2 and 1 more loss sends him home?

3. Grammar, better or worse?

4. Did anyone find the little "Easter Egg" I hid? 0.o

 

I know, I promised the contest winner's deck, DJ Osiris, would be featured in Chapter 10, but I didn't anticipate how long chapter 9 was going to be... So I'm splitting chapter 9 into two parts, the second half being chapter 10, and the old chapter 10 being bumped to chapter 11.

[Kizzi]

I am SSSSOOOO glad you guys liked the idea of the Terrain Command. I was worried you guys would see it as being cheap or something' date=' lol. But I wanted to create an opponent Clovis could lose to and so "Terrain Command" + "Doubts in the cards" = A LOSS.

 

As for the Terrain Command, it will be playing a part in the fanfic, but sorry to say, not for a while. Guaranteed chapters 9, 10, and 11 will not feature it due to the duelists I have matched up.

 

What I really want to know is:

1. How was the "Sidney" character?

2. How was the ending with Clovis falling and abandoing his cards? Also, how's the fact his duel record is 0-2 and 1 more loss sends him home?

3. Grammar, better or worse?

4. Did anyone find the little "Easter Egg" I hid? 0.o

 

I know, I promised the contest winner's deck, DJ Osiris, would be featured in Chapter 10, but I didn't anticipate how long chapter 9 was going to be... So I'm splitting chapter 9 into two parts, the second half being chapter 10, and the old chapter 10 being bumped to chapter 11.

[/quote']

1) Nice.

2) Awesome! I wanna see him get sent home! >: D

3) Better, I think.

4) No... :/

[Alordzynix]

1. She's alright didn't realy pay attention to that

2. He sucks at dueling XD. Lets find a dueling monkey as his opponent!. It is a weird twist I guess the fact he can only dud

3. You ask me 0.0? Better than mine XD

4. Maybe

[Silent Member]

I am SSSSOOOO glad you guys liked the idea of the Terrain Command. I was worried you guys would see it as being cheap or something' date=' lol. But I wanted to create an opponent Clovis could lose to and so "Terrain Command" + "Doubts in the cards" = A LOSS.

 

As for the Terrain Command, it will be playing a part in the fanfic, but sorry to say, not for a while. Guaranteed chapters 9, 10, and 11 will not feature it due to the duelists I have matched up.

 

What I really want to know is:

1. How was the "Sidney" character?

2. How was the ending with Clovis falling and abandoing his cards? Also, how's the fact his duel record is 0-2 and 1 more loss sends him home?

3. Grammar, better or worse?

4. Did anyone find the little "Easter Egg" I hid? 0.o

 

I know, I promised the contest winner's deck, DJ Osiris, would be featured in Chapter 10, but I didn't anticipate how long chapter 9 was going to be... So I'm splitting chapter 9 into two parts, the second half being chapter 10, and the old chapter 10 being bumped to chapter 11.

[/quote']

 

1. She was allright, but why make her skate?

2. It's getting a little scaryfor some reason. Don't ask me why, I don't know.

3. It's pretty good. In fact, I give it 9-11/10.

4. Is it the duelist that asked to duel, the beginning of the chapter, or Goliath Endeaver?

[Junk Raver]

^_^

 

4. Is the easter Egg the thing i spotted be4 you, and told you via MSN? lol

[asuma181]

the easter egg was the nine tailed fox painted on the duel disk

[Guest Ixigo]

I am SSSSOOOO glad you guys liked the idea of the Terrain Command. I was worried you guys would see it as being cheap or something' date=' lol. But I wanted to create an opponent Clovis could lose to and so "Terrain Command" + "Doubts in the cards" = A LOSS.

 

As for the Terrain Command, it will be playing a part in the fanfic, but sorry to say, not for a while. Guaranteed chapters 9, 10, and 11 will not feature it due to the duelists I have matched up.

 

What I really want to know is:

1. How was the "Sidney" character?

2. How was the ending with Clovis falling and abandoing his cards? Also, how's the fact his duel record is 0-2 and 1 more loss sends him home?

3. Grammar, better or worse?

4. Did anyone find the little "Easter Egg" I hid? 0.o

 

I know, I promised the contest winner's deck, DJ Osiris, would be featured in Chapter 10, but I didn't anticipate how long chapter 9 was going to be... So I'm splitting chapter 9 into two parts, the second half being chapter 10, and the old chapter 10 being bumped to chapter 11.

[/quote']

 

I'll begin by answering these.

 

1) Sidney was good, but mostly as a one-shot character. Good for like another appearance later on or something, but doesn't have the potential to be a reccuring character IMO. Not sure what role exactly you want to give her in the future, so I can't exactly answer this without going on a limb.

 

2) Too Jaden-ish >_>. It's like a combination of when Jaden held back his fusions in GX Season 3 because of his actions as Haou, and when he lost to Aster in Season 2. But I guess Clovis does resemble Jaden in a lot of aspects, and that was actually a good GX moment, so yeah. As for the 0-2 record, too predictable in my view >_>.

 

3) Grammar did not have serious problems to begin with. A few typoes here and there, but noone's going to say anything about those. Aside from a few "misplaced" words (words that have the correct meaning, but don't really match the context), I don't have any other issues.

 

4) I dunno, I noticed a lot of things that could pass as minor Easter Eggs.

a) The 9-tailed fox thing that relates to Naruto.

b) Those two scenes I mentioned in 2).

c) The "finish her!" line, reference to Mortal Kombat >_>.

d) The part before, which reminds of how Yugi beat Weevil in the Doma arc.

e) The Nathaniel / Marcus scene also rings some bells, but I can't recall what.

 

Anyway, I proceed with more general comments.

 

=====

 

Chapter 7:

 

Hmm. I liked the new character, but the DDR thing made me frown. A field spell card that stops all attacking is not a good idea. But this is a fanfic, so a bit broken cards and stuff are alright, as long as they don't go overboard. It's not really important. In contrast to the balance, I liked the originality of the idea, which added a refreshing note to the dueling in this chapter, that was subpar. However, the ending was a little anti-climactic, I mean, sure, the "Dueling vs Friendship" thing works, but all that mess just because of a single card seems irrealistic. A little work could have made it more believable. It would have been preferrable to me if you had resolved it in the same chapter, and ended it at the point where Naomi wins, but it's fine either way. Other than that, I'm satisfied.

 

-Plot: 8.5 (I enjoy how you're handling things out, but like I said, the end could use a little work)

-Characters: 8.5 (Liking the new characters, keep them coming)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (No issues there, other than the occasional typo)

-Dueling: 9/10 (I really liked the dueling in this chapter. Original and refreshing, but like I said, you could have fit it all in one chapter)

-Description: 7.5/10 (Could definately use work. More detail, mayn ;<_<. It's sad that, when everything else is top-notch, you lose points because you don't spend a few phrases to give insight into the locations etc)

-Overall: 8.6/10 (Grades aside, I really liked this chapter because of its feel - a personal favorite)

 

=====

 

Chapter 8:

 

I liked the originality in this chapter. But still, after supposedly

'restoring faith in teh cards', you wouldn't exactly expect Clovis to fall back down like that. Well, I guess it doesn't work too bad, but I would have preferred something different here. I liked how the whole 'cheating' worked out, and needless to say, the way you implemented it with Terrain Commands was ingenius - I applaud you for that. I guess they are unfair, but that's how cheating works. Like I mentioned above, good job on the character - I wonder whether all these characters will make a reappearance later, if not reccuring. Anyway, I feel the Clovis / Sidney duel was a little short, although I like the element of guilt implemented in it. To be fair though, nice ending on the Naomi / Hana duel.

 

-Plot: 8 (I was a little taken aback as to how rapidly Clovis regressed to desperation after the last chapter)

-Characters: 8.5 (Like I said above, good job on them)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (Just as above)

-Dueling: 9.5/10 (A tad too short, but since it also had the ending for the previous duel, and the quality was nigh-perfect...)

-Description: 8.5/10 (Great improvement in this chapter, although it's mostly out of need for the TC =_=;;. Works anyway)

-Overall: 8.8/10 (Good chapter. Introduces new dueling elements, new characters, and heavily promotes the plot)

 

=====

 

Great job on these. Hope the next one doesn't take as long.

[Junk Raver]

^_^

 

4. Is the easter Egg the thing i spotted be4 you' date=' and told you via MSN? lol

[/quote']

 

Kaze

 

if i am correct, of which i think i am then no-one has said it yet

 

and even if thats not the easter egg

 

still

 

 

No-one has noticed lol

[Kocrow17]

I want to thank all of you for posting and answering that little questionaire! I am also glad that you all feel the same way about the Terrain Command. I was going to post the next chapter today, but I have a special treat for you all instead. I should be finished it today so expect to see it soon!

 

1) Nice.

2) Awesome! I wanna see him get sent home! >: D

3) Better, I think.

4) No... :/

XD You must really hate Clovis, lol.

 

1. She's alright didn't realy pay attention to that

2. He sucks at dueling XD. Lets find a dueling monkey as his opponent!. It is a weird twist I guess the fact he can only dud

3. You ask me 0.0? Better than mine XD

4. Maybe

Why, that would be cruel to the dueling monkey. XD

 

1. She was allright, but why make her skate?

2. It's getting a little scaryfor some reason. Don't ask me why, I don't know.

3. It's pretty good. In fact, I give it 9-11/10.

4. Is it the duelist that asked to duel, the beginning of the chapter, or Goliath Endeaver?

lol, I just decided to make her a skater and to make that the theme of her former team. I'll be expanding on that later. REALLY GOOD guess with the Easter Egg thing. Though he is not the Easter Egg, that character plays a larger part in the story later on.

 

^_^

 

4. Is the easter Egg the thing i spotted be4 you, and told you via MSN? lol

lol, sorry, it is not the "Sidney / Disney" anagram, lol.

 

the easter egg was the nine tailed fox painted on the duel disk

Another great guess! But I am sorry, that is not the Easter Egg.

 

 

I am SSSSOOOO glad you guys liked the idea of the Terrain Command. I was worried you guys would see it as being cheap or something' date=' lol. But I wanted to create an opponent Clovis could lose to and so "Terrain Command" + "Doubts in the cards" = A LOSS.

 

As for the Terrain Command, it will be playing a part in the fanfic, but sorry to say, not for a while. Guaranteed chapters 9, 10, and 11 will not feature it due to the duelists I have matched up.

 

What I really want to know is:

1. How was the "Sidney" character?

2. How was the ending with Clovis falling and abandoing his cards? Also, how's the fact his duel record is 0-2 and 1 more loss sends him home?

3. Grammar, better or worse?

4. Did anyone find the little "Easter Egg" I hid? 0.o

 

I know, I promised the contest winner's deck, DJ Osiris, would be featured in Chapter 10, but I didn't anticipate how long chapter 9 was going to be... So I'm splitting chapter 9 into two parts, the second half being chapter 10, and the old chapter 10 being bumped to chapter 11.

[/quote']

 

I'll begin by answering these.

 

1) Sidney was good, but mostly as a one-shot character. Good for like another appearance later on or something, but doesn't have the potential to be a reccuring character IMO. Not sure what role exactly you want to give her in the future, so I can't exactly answer this without going on a limb.

 

2) Too Jaden-ish >_>. It's like a combination of when Jaden held back his fusions in GX Season 3 because of his actions as Haou, and when he lost to Aster in Season 2. But I guess Clovis does resemble Jaden in a lot of aspects, and that was actually a good GX moment, so yeah. As for the 0-2 record, too predictable in my view >_>.

 

3) Grammar did not have serious problems to begin with. A few typoes here and there, but noone's going to say anything about those. Aside from a few "misplaced" words (words that have the correct meaning, but don't really match the context), I don't have any other issues.

 

4) I dunno, I noticed a lot of things that could pass as minor Easter Eggs.

a) The 9-tailed fox thing that relates to Naruto.

b) Those two scenes I mentioned in 2).

c) The "finish her!" line, reference to Mortal Kombat >_>.

d) The part before, which reminds of how Yugi beat Weevil in the Doma arc.

e) The Nathaniel / Marcus scene also rings some bells, but I can't recall what.

 

Anyway, I proceed with more general comments.

 

=====

 

Chapter 7:

 

Hmm. I liked the new character, but the DDR thing made me frown. A field spell card that stops all attacking is not a good idea. But this is a fanfic, so a bit broken cards and stuff are alright, as long as they don't go overboard. It's not really important. In contrast to the balance, I liked the originality of the idea, which added a refreshing note to the dueling in this chapter, that was subpar. However, the ending was a little anti-climactic, I mean, sure, the "Dueling vs Friendship" thing works, but all that mess just because of a single card seems irrealistic. A little work could have made it more believable. It would have been preferrable to me if you had resolved it in the same chapter, and ended it at the point where Naomi wins, but it's fine either way. Other than that, I'm satisfied.

 

-Plot: 8.5 (I enjoy how you're handling things out, but like I said, the end could use a little work)

-Characters: 8.5 (Liking the new characters, keep them coming)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (No issues there, other than the occasional typo)

-Dueling: 9/10 (I really liked the dueling in this chapter. Original and refreshing, but like I said, you could have fit it all in one chapter)

-Description: 7.5/10 (Could definately use work. More detail, mayn ;<_<. It's sad that, when everything else is top-notch, you lose points because you don't spend a few phrases to give insight into the locations etc)

-Overall: 8.6/10 (Grades aside, I really liked this chapter because of its feel - a personal favorite)

 

=====

 

Chapter 8:

 

I liked the originality in this chapter. But still, after supposedly

'restoring faith in teh cards', you wouldn't exactly expect Clovis to fall back down like that. Well, I guess it doesn't work too bad, but I would have preferred something different here. I liked how the whole 'cheating' worked out, and needless to say, the way you implemented it with Terrain Commands was ingenius - I applaud you for that. I guess they are unfair, but that's how cheating works. Like I mentioned above, good job on the character - I wonder whether all these characters will make a reappearance later, if not reccuring. Anyway, I feel the Clovis / Sidney duel was a little short, although I like the element of guilt implemented in it. To be fair though, nice ending on the Naomi / Hana duel.

 

-Plot: 8 (I was a little taken aback as to how rapidly Clovis regressed to desperation after the last chapter)

-Characters: 8.5 (Like I said above, good job on them)

-Grammar / Syntax / Structure: 9.5/10 (Just as above)

-Dueling: 9.5/10 (A tad too short, but since it also had the ending for the previous duel, and the quality was nigh-perfect...)

-Description: 8.5/10 (Great improvement in this chapter, although it's mostly out of need for the TC =_=;;. Works anyway)

-Overall: 8.8/10 (Good chapter. Introduces new dueling elements, new characters, and heavily promotes the plot)

 

=====

 

Great job on these. Hope the next one doesn't take as long.

Ixigo! I was so worried that I had lost you as a reader! Thanks for returning^^.

Well, Sidney shall be returning. She has ties with Duel Academy and plays a large part in the story later on. Yeah, I'm starting to get a too Jaden-ish vibe from Clovis. Hopefully once his "secret" is revealed, he'll grow in uniqueness. Sorry to say all of your guesses at the Easter Egg were wrong. But a nice list, talk about paying attention to detail.

I look back at chapter 7 now and wonder what was going on through my had when I decided to split the duel. I should have just wrapped up the duel in 7 and use that space to increase the size of the duel in 8. I like your comment on the simularities between Yugi/Weevil and Hana/Naomi ending. I wasn't really looking for the same dramatic effect, but I did have that duel in mind.

Yeah, my idea was because it was the first time Clovis had dueled since he lost to Nathaniel, he still had some problems to work out. That's why I dropped the line, "It's the winning that bothers me" in chapter 7, so you knew he had a major problem with winning through some magical gift. But I guess I failed to support that. I must rememer to add flashbacks, lol.

 

 

The Easter Egg still remains hidden, lol.

[Junk Raver]

Awww lame

 

well still ;)

 

i was the only one to speak of the anagram ^_^