Clash of the terriotories. A pendragon fan fic.

[Moderately_Friendly]

This is my first fic so if it sucks say so.

 

 

For those of you have read the pendragon series by DJ machale this is an Pendragon Fan fic. new territories were discovered and guess who's back? yup you guessed it: Saint dane. he once again wants to rule Halla and all the territories. now they are either a traveler or a folollower. A Follower is one of saint dane's evil travelers. The travelers travel from terriorty to terriotory fighting saint dane.The Flume is what you use to travel from territory to territory. there is one hidden on each terriotory.

[spoiler=terriotories]

Denduron: a Territory with two tribes known as the milago and the beedowan. this territory is pretty medieval.

 

Cloral: a water world with ony an island for dry land. There are giant ships spread out called Habitats that the clorans use as home.

 

First earth: a 1937 version of Earth.

 

Second earth: earth today

 

Thrid Earth: earth in the year 5037.

 

Veelox:: like earth except there is a system known as Lifelight that puts people in their fantasies. they can choose when they leave. some stay forever......

 

Eelong: a world where giant cat like creatures known as Klees rule. the gars(humans)are wild animals. of course that means the traveler has to be a Klee.

 

Zadaa: a desert territory that has two tribes the rakodor and the Batu. the Batu are strong and provid protection for the rokaodr. In return the rokador provide food and water.

 

 

Quillan: a place where simple games become life threateing. if you lose........ you die.........

 

Ibara:an island on Veelox that is 300 years in the future. it is considered a territory.

 

Animagusica: a place where people have the abiltity to turn into animals

 

Eeaart: a reverse world to earth

 

 

 

 

[spoiler= Introduction]

a little while after Pendragon and the other travelers passed away saint dane arose from the dead. Now Saint Dane discovered two new terriotories: anmajusca and Eaart now he wants to rule halla........ Again. now its up to the new travelers to take down Saint Dane.

its up too chris barchett of second earth to lead the new travelers. he was a football star. but little did he know his life was about to change.

 

 

[spoiler=chapter 1: the new leader]

~sEcOnD EaRtH~

Chris Barchett was laying under a tree. "oh man I wish i had more excitement in this life." he said he walked over to the street and saw his bestfriend Alyssa Hernandez. " hey chris whats up?" she said. "nutin' the usual. Just waiting for the football game tonight. you coming?" He asked. "yeah ill be there. I wish you luck" She said. chris said goodbye to his friend and noticed it was almost time. he was the star quarterback. he needed to be there on time. he heard a mknock on the door to see his aunt Carly at the door. she came in. "hey sport. i need you to come run an....... Erand with me. tonight. there are these people. they need me there I wanted you to help." she said. 'but I need to be at the game. my parents are already there." He argued. "they'll understand." she said. Chris followed her outside and got in her ferarri. they headed away from his home of Naples florida and traveled downtown torwards the tram station.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 2: the animal boy]

 

~AnImaGuScA~

Tre Fazzaar

 

Im standing at the flume. a weird thing it is. It can shoot us through time and space to get to the other territorues of halla. Halla is everything, time and place that ever existed. Carly Barchett said she would be back any minute. "where is she." I said getting angry. I morphed into monkey form and climbed the treetops of animagusca. A territory that humans like me change into animals. but we needed to be skilled or we would be stuck in morph. She said she would bring a new traveler. Like my father before me Im a traveler.

 

 

Then sudennely the flume opened up and the weird music and lights came. Then carly barchett and the new guy came out. "aaahahhhhh where am I? what happened? aunt carly where are we?" the boy said raving like a lunatic. "we are on a territory called animagusca. we are waiting for a boy named Tre fazaar." she said. I then swung over there snd morphed back. " hello Carly. who is this kid?" I said looking at him. "his name i-"

"kid? you are the same age as me!!!" he said. "ahhh. but thats where you are wrong. i know how to fight. yet you don't. so that makes you a 'kid'. also carly you forgot to change into my territories' clothes." I said. "oh I almost forgot." she said. then she walked over to the clothes and picked an out fit. they looked like leather pads for the torso and bulky pelt pants. she tossed one to the boy." put those on chris." she said. Chris. i never heard of that name. weird huh? ' im not putting those on!" he said. well he did anyway and we waked outside. good thing there was no quigs. that would have been bad. quigs are things guarding the flumes.

 

 

chris Barchett

 

"wow this world is weird." I said. that guy who called me a kid was really starting to get on my nerves. he's like. 'oh this is blablabla of the bla bla bla' it was boring. we evantually got to this weirdo place in the tree tops. it was like a bamboo city it was weird. i mean who makes a city opf bamboo? Aunt Carly seemed pretty calm about his whole thing. "Tre is the traveler from Veelox going to join us?" she said. then looking at him. " yes they will arrive tommorow. but for now let me show you your quarters for the night." Tre said. Tre for some reason sounds like a weird name. he led us to one of the bamboo houses. the inside looked like normal house back home. except there was no electricity. well the beds are sorta normal. xcept for wood and springs it was bamboo and this plastic like thing called 'Zoitek'. well I sat in bed and slowly fell asleep.

to be continued......

 

 

[OMGAKITTY]

1. Capitalize Saint Dane

2. lol, you're throwing cannon right out the window with this....

 

*Note on Quillian: It's obsession with games. Not video games.

[bury the year]

lol' date=' you're throwing [b']cannon[/b] right out the window with this....

 

[spoiler=When you throw a bird out the window, it flies. When you throw a cannon out the window, however...]

 

 

Anyhoo, this is no introduction. It's a poorly-typed pair of sentences that basically rephrases what we could glean from the "terriotories" list. No characters or anything like that? Throw me a bone, please!

[Moderately_Friendly]

Ill reaveal the travelers as I go. Ill start out with the second earth one.

thnx for showing me what i did wrong and I will try to look out for it in the future.

---

chaperter 1 added. and added a little more abot the new 2nd earth traveler.

[OMGAKITTY]

Disregarding the obvious grammar and other errors, your first chapter is pretty much a poorly written version of Merchant of Death. You changed Bobby's name, made him a football player instead of a basketball player, and changed Press into a girl. Other than that, its the same situation. >_>

 

And its not in first person either, which also kind of breaks from the Pendragon writing style.

[Moderately_Friendly]

i added chapter two.

now here is what you guys can do. give me ideas through PM about the plot. like what should the name be for the Veelox traveler? or stuff like that.

[bury the year]

Before I say anything, get a spellchecker immediately. It's nearly impossible to decipher your writing.

[OMGAKITTY]

I'm standing at the Flume. a weird thing it is. It can shoot us through time and space to get to the other territories of Halla. Halla is everything, time and place that ever existed. Carly Barchett said she would be back any minute.

"Where is she?" I said, getting angry. I morphed into monkey form and climbed the treetops of Animagusca, a territory thatwhere humans like me can change into animals. But we needed to be skilled or we would be stuck in morph. She said she would bring a new traveler. Like my father before me Im a traveler.

 

 

Then suddenly the Flume opened up and the weird music and lights came. Then Carly Barchett and the new guy came out.

"Aaahahhhhh! [/b]W[/b]here am I? What happened? Aunt Carly where are we?" the boy said raving like a lunaticdemanded.

"We are on a territory called Animagusca. We are waiting for a boy named Tre Fazaar." she saidreplied.

I then swung over there and morphed back.

"Hello Carly. Who is this kid?" I said looking at him. Describe what Chris looks like

"His name i-"

"Kid? You are the same age as me!!!" he said.

"Ahhh, but that's where you are wrong. I know how to fight, yet you don't. So that makes you a 'kid'. Also, Carly, you forgot to change into my territories' clothes." I said. How does Chris know they are the same age? Why is Chris such a brat? :/ And no, Chris is right, they are the same age. Being able to fight doesn't change one's age. :/ And the sudden switch to talking to Carly is really awkward.

"Oh I almost forgot." she said. Then she walked over to the clothes and picked an outfit. They looked like leather pads for the torso and bulky pelt pants. She tossed one to the boy.

"Put those on Chris." she said You use "said" far too often. Its boring. Find better words. . Chris. I never heard of that name. Weird huh?No it isn't, he's from a different territory

"I'm not putting those on!" he said. Seriously, he's a brat.

Well he did anyway and we waked outside.That was dumb. Good thing there waswere no Quigs. That would have been bad. Quigs are things guarding the flumes. A ridiculously simplistic sentence that doesn't flow with the rest of the story. And they only guard Flumes of territories Saint Dane is active in.

 

 

Chris Barchett

 

"Wow this world is weird." I said. That guy who called me a kid was really starting to get on my nerves. He's like. 'Oh this is blablabla of the bla bla bla' it was boring.So Chris goes from completely bewildered to calmly accepting that he just hopped worlds. And he's still an ass. Is he the main character? Because its really hard to identify and relate to someone who's as annoying and spoiled as this guy. We eventually got to this weirdo place in the tree tops. It was like a bamboo city it was weirdYou already told the reader it was weird, like 3 words ago. I mean, who makes a city of bamboo? Aunt Carly seemed pretty calm about this whole thing.

"Tre, is the traveler from Veelox going to join us?" she saidasked. Then looking at him.What? I don't even know what this sentence is referring to

"Yes, they will arrive tomorrow, but for now let me show you your quarters for the night." Tre said.

Tre, for some reason, sounds like a weird name Well this is a completely unneeded sentence. It adds nothing to the story, and interrupts the flow. Plus, Tre isn't that weird of a name. :/. He led us to one of the bamboo houses. The inside looked like normal house back home, except there was no electricity. Well the beds are sorta normal. Except for wood and springs it was bamboo and this plastic like thing called 'Zoitek'.This is an incredibly badly and awkwardly written sentence. And you can't make springs out of bamboo. And it wouldn't be bamboo, since they are on a different territory. And you just throw out Zoitek out there without introducing it at all. Well I sat in bed and slowly fell asleep.Another short and flow-less sentence

 

 

This is the most basic of basic fixes. Mostly, just adding in comma's, fixing spelling errors, and adding in capitalization. Are you typing this up inside your internet browser? Please, write it in a word document, so you can spell check. And capitalize at the beginning of each sentence. You also fail to place each new line of dialogue on a separate line. Do so, it makes it easier to read. The story feels disjointed and hard to follow, and you use 'said' for everything. Don't. There is a thread stickied at the top of this forum about how to write good fanfiction. I suggest you read it.

 

Also, on a purely Pendragon note: When I said do it in first person, I meant solely from the main character's view. And in a "journal" format, like in the books. You don't have to do it this way, but its how it was done in the actual series. Just a thought.

[Moderately_Friendly]

thnx for the fixes. the idea I came up with is that not just the main traveler but through others. have you ever imagine in the orginal series of what was Loor's eye view? or alder's? or even aja or spader?