Pokemon Fan Fic (1st chapter posted)

[Dissidia]

This is my first Fan Fic, so I'm kinda new to Fan Fics if you find any grammar issues, problems with descriptions, etc. just post a reply.

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1: A Beast is Disturbed]

Once upon a time, a trainer had defeated the legendary XD001, or Shadow Lugia. The trainer had thought he had defeated the beast, but really it was only knocked out into a long slumber. During it's slumber, Shadow Lugia had been resting inside the mountain known as Mt. Coronet.

 

The trainer who stopped this massive beast was called Riley. Riley had stopped the Shadow Pokemon crisis and saved the world from a giant corruption. However, one day, a man named Morten managed to drill to the hidden chamber inside Mt. Coronet where Shadow Lugia had managed to hide in while it slept.

 

"LUUUUUUUUUUGIIIAAAAAAA!!!" roared Shadow Lugia when he awoke.

 

"Excellent...Capture the beast!" commanded Morten while his goons prepared their Pokemon.

 

Each goon sent out their own Pokemon starting with Garchomp going to Arcanine, Spiritomb, and ending with Torterra. Each Pokemon attacked Shadow Lugia and each goon made their own attempts to capture Shadow Lugia. The goon's attempts were useless, Shadow Lugia grew smarter with each throw knowning how to defend against the Shadow Balls they created.

 

Then, Morten pulled out a weird looking Master Ball with small electronical pipes and a cold, evil metallic shell.

 

"This Shadow Master Ball will capture it without fail and make it even darker than usual." explained Morten.

Morten tossed the ball and for the first time, the ball started wiggling back and forth. BING......BING.......BING........BONG.

 

The Shadow Master Ball had successfully caught Shadow Lugia.

 

"Back to the base! We have much work to be done." commanded Morten in a dark, sinister voice.

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2 to come.

[OMGAKITTY]

Once upon a time, Unless you are purposefully making this a fairy tale, don't start with "once upon a time", its terribly cliche a trainer had defeated the legendary XD001, or Shadow Lugia. The trainer had thought he had defeatedkilled the beast, but really it was only knocked out into a long slumber. During it's slumber, Shadow Lugia had been resting inside the mountain known as Mt. Coronet.

 

The trainer who stopped this massive beast was called Riley. Riley had stopped the Shadow Pokemon crisis and saved the world from a giant corruption. However, one day, a man named Morten managed to drill to the hidden chamber inside Mt. Coronet where Shadow Lugia had managed to hide in while it slept.This is awkward, I would try to find a better way to bridge this sentence

 

"LUUUUUUUUUUGIIIAAAAAAA!!!" roared Shadow Lugia when he awoke.Eh, it sounds kind of stupid when you type out its name like that. I suggest something more like "The [insert description here] beast let out an earth shattering roar as it awoke from its deep slumber" It just sounds less cheesy to me.

 

"Excellent...Capture the beast!" commanded Morten while his goons prepared their Pokemon.Wait, Morten was looking for the SL? From the way you wrote it, I just assumed he was drilling for diamonds or oil or to make a road or something.

 

Each goon sent out their own Pokemon starting with Garchomp going to Arcanine, Spiritomb, and ending with Torterra.This could be written better Each Pokemon attacked Shadow Lugia and each goon made their own attempts to capture Shadow Lugia. The goon's attempts were useless, Shadow Lugia grew smarter with each throw knowning how to defend against the Shadow Balls they created.I would expand on this and make an actual battle sequence

 

Then, Morten pulled out a weird looking Master Ball with small electronical pipes and a cold, evil metallic shell.

 

"This Shadow Master Ball will capture it without fail and make it even darker than usual." explained Morten.Who is he explaining it to? Does he just like to explain things to nobody at random points? Integrate this better into the story. Also, if he had this, why bother with all the goons? :/

Morten tossed the ball and for the first timeWhat? For the first time? I don't get it., the ball started wiggling back and forth. BING......BING.......BING........BONG.

 

The Shadow Master Ball had successfully caught Shadow Lugia.

 

"Back to the base! We haveThere is much work to be done." commanded Morten in a dark, sinister voice.

 

 

Not a bad start, the pacing is pretty good. Work a bit more on the detail.