H_M Productions presents - Forbidden Glory [Need comments and feedback]

[PrimalFear]

Hello all and welcome to H_M Productions of the original Anime created by myself and my best friend. This will be the first in the series of two legendary Shinobi based on myself and my friend. I hope you all enjoy it and can't wait to write more episodes. Also as an added bonus with your consent you may enter a Character into the story. and by posting a Character Application for this story you release all

 

 

[spoiler=H_M Productions]

H_M Productions is owned and operated by myself Hayate Masaru. This will be the first of the series of Forbidden Glory Created by Myself, and my best friend. This story is 100% my own and will hopefully become a hit Fan-Fic along with the possibility of one day becoming an Anime. Any questions, or suggestions about H_M Productions or my work plz contect me via PM.

 

[spoiler=Character Apps]

Also as an added bonus with your consent you may enter a Character into the story. But be warned by posting a Character Application for this story you release all the characters information and any copyright's of the character to me.

 

App:

[b]Name:[/b]
[b]Age:[/b]
[b]Height:[/b]
[b]Weight:[/b]
[b]Side: (Sekounen Empire - Bad or Sekoye Village Good)[/b]
[b]Village: (You may create your own village, Must have Distance from Sekoye and a description its alliance.[/b]
[/Code]

 

[spoiler=Forbidden Glory's Characters]

1: Hayate Masaru

2: Kenji Shinobu

 

 

 

 

[spoiler=Chapter 1]

In the years past many great wars took place, the Sekounen looked to take over the world. For the past two hundred years the Sekounen Empire has taken over most of the world, enslaving everyone under their rules. Now two unknown shinobi will fight for the existence of their freedom. This is the story of "Forbidden Glory".

 

A young boy named Hayate Masaru was walking through the village of Sekoye. Standing four foot two, with black spicky hair, Hayate was known for his superior skill in Ninjitsu a form of martial arts known only to the Shinobi. He had just walked past two houses on the right of the road, turning he headed toward a narrow path that headed away from the village. As he entered the path a noise was heard from behind him. Turning to see, Hayate noticed his best friend Kenji Shinobu. A bit older then Hayate Kenji stood five foot eight with black hair. Kenji was know by the village as well as he too possessed superior Ninjitsu skills.

 

"Kenji," Hayate exclaimed as he saw his best friend. "Are we going to go an train for a bit?"

 

Kenji looked up at his friend as he stopped walking a few feet before him, "Yes I can't wait to test out our abilities." He then began walking again as he stepped past Hayate pushing on his shoulder to get him to keep up. Hayate new Kenji was always in a hurry to get to his destinations, Kenji is the very inpatient kind of person.

 

"Fine lets go, I can't wait either," Hayate said following close behind him. They walked a while talking about their skills, friends and family, until they reached the end of the path. Their Kenji stopped before reaching the edge of the field. Holding up his right fist, "Wait." Kenji began to peer out in the field, he looked intently on the surroundings make sure the area was clear of people. Hayate stopped a foot away from Kenji, their he stood himself peering into the opening of the field.

 

"It looks clear Hayate," as Kenji stepped slowly out from the path. Hayate was right behind him still looking at the edge of the field on the opposite side.

 

"Wait; I hear something," Hayate announced as he grabbed Kenji's arm stopping him before he was spotted. Kenji peered around a tree as he saw two men heavily armored and each one armed with a Katana. He turned back quick as not to raise suspicion on him and his friend. He looked at Hayate and shook his head, raising his hand he put up two fingers indicating two men. Hayate looked surprised at first, he then began to peek his head out to confirm their situation. As Hayate looked out he was in shock at what he saw. The two men where nearly five feet from them and getting closer. Hayate turned in a flash, grabbing Kenji's arm they took off sprinting at full speed away from the area.

 

The two armed men turned just as fast as they could upon hearing the commotion from beside them. As they caught a glimpse of the two young boys in the distance they decided to give chase.

 

"After them," one guy said. The two men started running toward the Sekoye village down the path after the boys.

 

Turning his head, Kenji noticed that the two men where chasing them, "Hurry Hayate their after us!" The two boy's ran as fast as they could dodging trees left and right.

 

The two men where catching up to the boy's, "You cannot out run us."

 

Nearly a hundred feet from the Village the boys where becoming tired. They didn't have the strength to fight against two armed Sekounen soldiers. Hayate had all he could do to keep up with his friend, as Kenji was nearly ten feet out in front of him. "Please wait up Kenji. I'm to tired." As Kenji looked over his shoulder he saw Hayate, the two men had nearly caught up with him. "Run faster Hayate," Kenji yelled not knowing what to do he turned back and kept on running.

 

Hearing a scream from his best friend, Kenji stopped turning to see Hayate in the clutches of these two Sekounen soldiers. "Hahaha, you really thought you could out run us....boy." Then he looked up to see Kenji starring back at them.

 

Becoming frantic Kenji dropped his bag he was carrying full of training tools, "Leave my friend alone!!!!" He then began to run toward the two Soilders and Hayate, "Ahhhhhhh."

 

~With Hayate in the clutches of two Sekounen soilders, will Kenji be able to save him? Or will Hayate be at the mercy of the Sekounen Empire?~

 

 

[OMGAKITTY]

You keep switching tenses in your writing. Keep to either present or past tense. Switching makes it awkward to read, and can confuse the readers.

 

Also, this is mary sue out the wazoo. But you seem to realize that, so I guess that makes is slightly more ok.

[PrimalFear]

well if your refering to the 1st paragraph and last paragraph its basicly like a narrator at the beginning. Unfourtnitly the way I am designing this isn't more for Reading purposes I'm acctually hoping to get it published as a Anime, so I tend to lean more towards Mary Sue and also adding in the whole narration as if it was an Anime. I know it will be confusing So I will probably change it up in the future just for reading purposes. Thanks for the comment

[OMGAKITTY]

Write it as a novel. There would be a greater chance for a manga adaptation if you can get it published as a light novel. And from manga, its just a step away from an anime.

[PrimalFear]

yeah I guess your right, thanks for the advice. By the way how did you like it so far? Was it cut too short for the 1st chapter or was the cliff hanging part good enough to keep people intrested?