I don't believe many people had done this, so...

[Infinitus]

I have made a short story, that I would like the people of YCM to read. Despite popular belief, I believe there are intelligent people on YCM, who I would love to see their opinions on my work.

 

Enjoy the story!

 

[spoiler=Note: It's kind of long though. I'll see if I can make a tl;dr version ;) ]

[align=center]The Golden Hourglass

By Legend Productions

Long ago, in a kingdom long forgotten, there lived a wise king, King Kenneth, who married a queen with hair of gold, eyes of crystal blue, and teeth of white. Her name was Queen Helena, and the king was stricken to the core by her beauty. He married her, and she had two children with her. The king was the happiest man alive, and it couldn’t cover the guilt of a horrible deed that pierced at his heart. He still had nightmares of the temptation he took from the hands of the Golden Hourglass. It was a glass hourglass with golden, jewel encrusted lids on the top and bottom, with claws that pointed and curved into the hourglass. There was a dial on top, with numbers in increments of twenty-four circling the dial. It seemingly had a heavenly power to it, but to the king it was his most heavy burden and his greatest fear. The King’s children were two boys, each two years apart. Him and Queen Helena named the older Jeremiah, and the younger Benjamin.

Jeremiah had a darkened heart, and an ego that could engulf the world with its size, and no amount of men could lift it. He would always take all of Benjamin’s attention and credit, and would often lie to his parents about it. Not only that, he would put down his brother behind everyone’s back. Benjamin on the other hand, was humble, honest, and a pillar of virtue. He never lied and would never let out his anger. He would keep his anger inside as it slowly, unnoticeably by even Benjamin, but surely began boiling over. Of course, thanks to Jeremiah, to everyone Benjamin was the bad seed and Jeremiah was the saint. Jeremiah had short, black hair with dark brown eyes, which seemed like they were as dark as onyxes. His brother, Benjamin, had shaggy, golden hair with eyes as green as an emerald. One day, as the boys were growing up in their younger years, as Benjamin barely crept past the thirteen year mark, and Jeremiah was at the half way mark to fifteen, Benjamin was tending to the garden of the castle with anger and frustration boiling in his blood, and written on his face, Jeremiah was sitting on the fountain ledge, no more than ten feet away from his tired and rage filled brother. Jeremiah had a horrible smug on his face as he watched his brother work like a dog in the heat.

Jeremiah chuckled with malevolence and said mockingly “Keep going brother, I want mother and father to come home to a perfect garden when they return, and more importantly, I want them to think I did it!” Benjamin took a large breath to swallow his rage, and mumbled under his breath “Jeremiah, your actions are as sick as your mind is twisted.” At that moment, a fast paced clacking was heard from behind the fountain in the garden. It was Benjamin and Jeremiah’s mother, Queen Helena. She rushed to her sons with her face slathered with worry and said “Jeremiah, why is Benjamin working in the heat while you lay about?”

Benjamin was on his knees, still tending to the garden, with his back turned to his brother and mother with a wide smile on his face. At long last, justice had come. But Benjamin’s smile would soon turn grim at his brother’s next statement “Oh mother, I had seen our garden tender yesterday, and he was working so hard, and he was so tired at the end of the day, so I decided to come out today and tend to the garden while he was away, but when I came out, I didn’t see my brother picking the grass out of the garden, only God knows why, and I tripped. So I had him put the grass back, and I had him tend to the garden.” Queen Helena flashed a smile of approval towards her Golden Child.

She then turned to Benjamin; her face reeked of anger, and said “I have told you many a times not to pick from the garden!” Benjamin turned around with an innocent look on his face and attempted to state a rebuttal “But I…” He was cut off by the disappointment in his mother’s voice “No excuses!” On that note, she sighed, as if calming herself down to a mood that could deal with her young son “We will discuss this later. Come inside boys, it’s almost time for dinner.” She turned and walked on the stone path from the fountain to the castle, click clack click clack went her shoes.

When she was out of sight, Jeremiah turned to his brother and said “Give it up brother, I have mother and father in the palms of my hands.” At that moment, he turned and walked down the stone path into the castle, leaving Benjamin with a scowl on his face, as he stood in a puddle of his own defeat. Later that night, not too long after dinner, King Kenneth led the boys up the stone stairs to their separate rooms for bed, and Benjamin had been banished to his quarters for the fiftieth time for picking from the garden. As the King let his sons up to the red carpeted, regal hallway of bedrooms, he said “Off to sleep now and your grandfather left you two some more gifts.” Jeremiah hated the gifts he got from grandfather, while Benjamin loved them. When Benjamin entered his quarters, he found a rectangular object wrapped in a thin, tree bark wrapping. Their grandfather always wrapped their gifts this way.

He joyfully and without further ado ripped open the bark wrapping. Within the confines of the wrapping lay the Golden Hourglass. The beauty of the spotless glass, and the golden, jewel-encrusted lids intoxicated Benjamin. Benjamin felt the paper on the bottom lid, where he held it. He flipped it over to rip off the paper. The sand was motionless in the glass, despite being flipped. When he saw the piece of paper, it had writing on it. Benjamin was puzzled by it, and he read it. It was a note from his grandfather, reading:

Benjamin, I know the truth of our brother, so I decided to give you this to make life a little easier. You can make any wish you want, and it will be given to you by at least the next day. If you have any questions, go to the forest outside of town.

Your Grandfather

Benjamin’s eyes glowed with a flurry of happiness and delight. He then began to think about how his grandfather knew about his brother. That made Benjamin think about his horrible brother. The very thought of such a person made his blood boil with rage. At that moment, without warning, a dove flew in from Benjamin’s open window and immediately landed on Benjamin’s shoulder. The dove’s feathers were as bright as day, and it made Benjamin feel at peace. He stared into the dove’s eyes, and the thoughts of finally being at peace with his brother flooded his head. He smiled widely and turned to the hourglass that lay in his hands. He knew what he was going to wish for. Before Benjamin could ever get a word out, a raven swooped through Benjamin’s window, and alighted on the shoulder opposite of the shoulder the dove lay on. Benjamin turned and stared into the raven’s eyes and thoughts of vengeance on his brother flooded his mind, and he smiled widely with dark and malevolent intent. Benjamin slowly turned his head to the hourglass and said “I wish my brother…” he paused, and wind dramatically blew through his open window, and Benjamin completed his wish “…would die.”

With those very words, the two birds flew out the window and the sand moved downward. Benjamin’s smile of evil intent grew. He hid the Golden Hourglass under his bed carefully, and he laid his head on the pillow on his bed. Benjamin then pulled his comforter up to his neck, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

The next day, Benjamin woke up as the sun shone in his face, awakening him. He opened his eyes and heard crying. He immediately got up and rushed to his brother’s quarters, to see a wizard of healing magic, his parents weeping on each other’s shoulders, and his brother in his bed, pail and apparently suffering. Benjamin stared into his brother’s eyes as he suffered, and he stared into his. This pain was real, not like the pain Jeremiah used to blame Benjamin for things. Benjamin turned to his parents in shock, and said turned to his parents in shock, and said “Mother, father, what’s happening?” His parents were too busy weeping to respond, and the wizard said “Your brother has a dreadful disease not known to anyone, nor is it treatable by any magic.” Benjamin’s eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and he hurtled out of the doorway and into his quarters, slamming the door behind him.

Benjamin, in a fit of rage and tears, grabbed the hourglass from under his bed, and yelled at it saying “Stop the wish! Stop the wish!”, yet the sand did not cease to move. Even more angered, he slammed the hourglass against his wall, in hopes of shattering the hourglass, but to no avail. He cracked a smile on his face, and it grew, as a chuckle germinated in him, which then became a laugh. It was clear that the answer to his problem was simple. He flipped over the hourglass and set it on his table. Benjamin stared in horror at what happened next. The sand in the hourglass was still moving, but it was moving upward, still keeping its former pattern.

A wave of despair came over him, and he dropped to his knees in anguish. He felt such a great power of guilt, tears flowed from his eyes like two running creeks. He opened his eyes to see a note. It was the not that had come with the cursed hourglass. He remembered what the note had said. Benjamin revived himself with hope of fixing his vicious sin. He darted out of his quarters, down the stairs, through the hall, into the lobby, and out of the front door, hourglass in hand.

Benjamin waited impatiently in the forest, surrounded b y towering oak trees and stubby, round bushes. When suddenly, and without warning, the ground quaked for a split second, then another quake, and another, and another. The bushes shook, and the leaves fell from the rattling trees. A massive, winged, lizard-like silhouette with glaring red eyes that seemed like they could stare through your soul appeared behind the shadows of the trees and bushes. When finally, it had stepped forward towards the paralyzed Benjamin. The beast’s form had appeared behind the depths of the forest. It was a dragon with crimson red scales, large demonic wings, and a long, white beard. The dragon seemed hundreds of years old, and was full of wrinkles that signified it’s age. It held a very large staff with a gigantic blue orb that lay atop the staff.

The large dragon said in a deep and powerful, yet old and warming voice “Are you here because of my gift, Benjamin?” Benjamin’s eyes widened and the said with a studder “G…Grandfather?” The giant heart beast responded with a warming, reassuring voice “Tis I, your grandfather, former king of this land. Now, you must be here for a reason, yes?” Benjamin had come seeking answers, yet all he found were more questions so far. He said with more curiosity in his voice “What…happened to you?” the great beast let out a sigh as he recollected his painful memory. The dragon said “I am Odin, your father’s father, and a powerful wizard. I created the Golden Hourglass so my sons could be happy.” Benjamin’s face told the story of his confusion, and responded with a hesitation “Wait, sons? I have an uncle?” Odin nodded with grief written all over his face, and explained “Had. You had an uncle. You see, my sons would play with the hourglass night and day, but I put a limit on it so they would have to wait 24 hours or more to wait before their wish would be fulfilled, to teach patience. Kenneth, my first born was always irresponsible, even as he matured. While his brother, Leon, was smart and organized, and could solve anything, from conflicts to puzzles. When Kenneth was twenty and Leon was eighteen, I revoked Kenneth’s inheritance of the throne, after he lost his cabin for not paying his taxes. So he…used the hourglass…to kill Leon, and turn me into this…thing, so he could be king. Though from what I’ve seen in my orb on the top of my staff here, the deed has anchored his conscience more than any other sin.”

Benjamin was devastated at the treachery committed by his own father years ago, and the fact that he had repeated it. At that moment, the sun began to go down, and the hourglass in his hands was almost done counting down to his brother’s destruction. Benjamin’s face turned pale as the winter snow, and said with panic and overwhelming fear as his heart raced “Quickly! You must tell me how to stop the sand!” Benjamin didn’t even have to tell Odin what had happened, because it was written all over his face, in the very depths of his mind and soul. Odin had sighed a sigh of disappointment in his grandson, and said “Simply unscrew the lid and dump the sand out. But not from the bottom!”

Benjamin sighed a sigh of relief, his fears extinguished, his worries melted, and his mind, at ease. He carefully unscrewed the top of the Golden Hourglass, the lid with the dial on top, and threw the glittering sand inside the glass into the grass, and it sunk into the earth, as the remaining parts of the hourglass became mere ashes. At that moment, the very dove that had flown into his window last night flew down from the clear, blue sky and rested on Benjamin’s shoulder. Benjamin scratched the dove on it’s head with his index finger, and he remembered something. He turned to Odin and asked “What will happen to you?” Odin laughed with a hardy, jolly, and elderly laugh, and said with a pleased voice “You needn’t worry about me, I will be fine, as long as you promise to visit every so often. Now, you should be returning home”

Benjamin returned home, with his family more elated than ever, especially his brother. His brother had realized that he was so close to death, and there was something he should tell his parents. He admitted the truth about the history of him and his brother, asked his father to revoke his birthright to the throne, and give it to Benjamin. When Benjamin became of age he became king of all the land, took great care of his mother, father, and grandfather. His brother didn’t need any protection, because he had God’s protection. He became a priest, and a religious leader. Benjamin’s relationship with Jeremiah was stronger than the strongest stone, and the Golden Hourglass was never seen again.

[/align]

 

 

I suppose it would be best, if you do not wish to read the entire thing, to continue reading it another time, rather than reading it all at once.

[Shrekstasy]

I wrote a short story once. It included murder, necrophilia, and beastiality.

[HORUS]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality, please.

[Infinitus]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

I like stories that take place back then. That's more of the intro. The story itself is about the sons.

[HORUS]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

I like stories that take place back then. That's more of the intro. The story itself is about the sons.

 

But the intro is so terrible that whatever follows, no matter how awesome, is still terrible.

[~/Coolio Prime\~]

Basically, Horus is making an excuse to not read it.

[Infinitus]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

I like stories that take place back then. That's more of the intro. The story itself is about the sons.

 

But the intro is so terrible that whatever follows, no matter how awesome, is still terrible.

 

Tips? Constructive Critisism plz?

 

Or are you just going to spend your time doing nothing but bash my story pointlessly?

[HORUS]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

I like stories that take place back then. That's more of the intro. The story itself is about the sons.

 

But the intro is so terrible that whatever follows, no matter how awesome, is still terrible.

 

Tips? Constructive Critisism plz?

 

Or are you just going to spend your time doing nothing but bash my story pointlessly?

 

Show, don't tell. Show through descriptive language what's going on, don't just say "They had this and this".

[Infinitus]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

I like stories that take place back then. That's more of the intro. The story itself is about the sons.

 

But the intro is so terrible that whatever follows, no matter how awesome, is still terrible.

 

Tips? Constructive Critisism plz?

 

Or are you just going to spend your time doing nothing but bash my story pointlessly?

 

Show, don't tell. Show through descriptive language what's going on, don't just say "They had this and this".

 

I didn't do that the first few sentences (maybe paragraphs)

 

Maybe next time I will remember it a little more. Thank you ^_^

[OMGAKITTY]

Align center is a jabroni to read stories in.

 

Long ago, in a kingdom long forgotten weak., there lived a wise king, King Kenneth get better name pl0x, who married a queen with hair of gold, eyes of crystal blue, and teeth of white. Her name was Queen Helena, and the king was stricken to the core by her beauty. He married her, and she had two children with her. The king was the happiest man alive, but it couldn’t cover the guilt of a horrible deed that pierced at his heart. He still had nightmares of the temptation he took from the hands of the Golden Hourglass. It was a glass hourglass with golden, jewel encrusted lids on the top and bottom, with claws that pointed and curved into the hourglass. There was a dial on top, with numbers in increments of twenty-four circling the dial. It seemingly had a heavenly power to it, but to the king it was his most heavy burden and his greatest fear. Needs better flow. The King’s children were two boys, each two years apart. He and Queen Helena named the older Jeremiah, and the younger Benjamin.

Jeremiah had a darkened heart, and an ego that could engulf the world with its size, and no amount of men could lift it.What. Ego's aren't physical. People can't lift it. He would always take all of Benjamin’s attention and credit, and would often lie to his parents about it.That makes him jealous and amoral, not egocentric Not only that, he would put down his brother behind everyone’s back.Oh, that makes him super evil Benjamin on the other hand, was humble, honest, and a pillar of virtue. He never lied and would never let out his anger. He would keep his anger inside where it slowly, unnoticeably, by even Benjamin, but surely began boiling over. Of course, thanks to Jeremiah, to everyone Benjamin was the bad seed and Jeremiah was the saint. Jeremiah had short, black hair with dark brown eyes, which seemed like they were as dark as onyx. His brother, Benjamin, had shaggy, golden hair with eyes as green as an emerald. One day, when the boys were growing up in their younger years, as Benjamin barely crept past the thirteen year mark, and Jeremiah was at the half way mark to fifteen, Benjamin was tending to the garden of the castle with anger and frustration boiling in his blood, and written on his face, Jeremiah was sitting on the fountain ledge, no more than ten feet away from his tired and rage filled brother.This is a terrible run on sentence. I don't even want to bother trying to fix it. Jeremiah had a horrible smug on his face as he watched his brother work like a dog in the heat.

Jeremiah chuckled with malevolence and said mockingly,

“Keep going brother, I want mother and father to come home to a perfect garden when they return,come home to...return? Thanks, captain redundancy thanks. and more importantly, I want them to think I did it!I AM AN EVIL VILLAIN, AND I SHALL REVEAL MY PLAN TO YOU BEFORE I DESTROY YOU” Benjamin took a large breath to swallow his rage, and mumbled under his breath,

“Jeremiah, your actions are as sick as your mind is twisted.” At that moment, a fast paced clacking was heard from behind the fountain in the garden. It was Benjamin and Jeremiah’s mother, Queen Helena. She rushed to her sons with her face slatheredSlathered? What is she? A horse? with worry and said,

“Jeremiah, why is Benjamin working in the heat while you lay about?”

 

Benjamin was on his knees, still tending to the garden, with his back turned to his brother and mother with a wide smile on his face. At long last, justice had come. But Benjamin’s smile would soon turn grim at his brother’s next statement:

“Oh mother, I had seen our garden tender yesterday, and he was working so hard, and he was so tired at the end of the day, so I decided to come out today and tend to the garden while he was away, but when I came out, I didn’t see my brother picking the grass out of the garden, only God knows why, and I tripped. So I had him put the grass back, and I had him tend to the garden.”...What? I didn't even understand that. Queen Helena flashed a smile of approval towards her Golden Child.Golden Child, even though the other one is the one with blonde hair.

She then turned to Benjamin; her face reeked of anger, and said,

“I have told you many a times not to pick from the garden!”

Benjamin turned around with an innocent look on his face and attempted to state a rebuttal “But I…” He was cut off by the disappointment in his mother’s voice

“No excuses!” On that note, she sighed, as if calming herself down to a mood that could deal with her young son,

“We will discuss this later. Come inside boys, it’s almost time for dinner.” She turned and walked on the stone path from the fountain to the castle, click clack click clack went her shoes. Because Queens call their children to dinner. Not servants.

When she was out of sight, Jeremiah turned to his brother and said

“Give it up brother, I have mother and father in the palms of my hands.I'M AN EVIL VILLAIN, AND I SHALL GLOAT AT YOU BEFORE I DOOM YOU TO YOUR DEMISE” At that moment, he turned and walked down the stone path into the castle, leaving Benjamin with a scowl on his face, as he stood in a puddle of his own defeat. Later that night, not too long after dinner, King Kenneth led the boys up the stone stairs to their separate rooms for bed, Because Kings have nothing else to do, and tuck their kids in to bed. and Benjamin had been banished to his quarters for the fiftieth time for picking from the garden Very modern punishments for medieval times. What happened to a good ol' whippin?. As the King let his sons up to the red carpeted, regal hallway of bedrooms, he said

“Off to sleep now and your grandfather left you two some more gifts.” Jeremiah hated the gifts he got from grandfather, while Benjamin loved them. When Benjamin entered his quarters, he found a rectangular object wrapped in a thin, tree bark wrapping. Their grandfather always wrapped their gifts this way.

He joyfully and without further ado ripped open the bark wrapping. Within the confines of the wrapping lay the Golden Hourglass. The beauty of the spotless glass, and the golden, jewel-encrusted lids intoxicated Benjamin. Benjamin felt the paper on the bottom lid, where he held it. He flipped it over to rip off the paper. The sand was motionless in the glass, despite being flipped. When he saw the piece of paper, it had writing on it. Benjamin was puzzled by it, and he read it. It was a note from his grandfather, reading:

Benjamin, I know the truth of your brother, so I decided to give you this to make life a little easier. You can make any wish you want, and it will be given to you by at least the next day. If you have any questions, go to the forest outside of town.

Your Grandfather

Benjamin’s eyes glowed with a flurry of happiness and delight. He then began to think about how his grandfather knew about his brother. That made Benjamin think about his horrible brother. The very thought of such a person made his blood boil with rage. At that moment, without warning, a dove flew in from Benjamin’s open window and immediately landed on Benjamin’s shoulder. The dove’s feathers were as bright as day, and it made Benjamin feel at peace. He stared into the dove’s eyes, and the thoughts of finally being at peace with his brother flooded his head. He smiled widely and turned to the hourglass that lay in his hands. He knew what he was going to wish for. Before Benjamin could ever get a word out, a raven swooped through Benjamin’s window, and alighted on the shoulder opposite of the shoulder the dove lay on. Wow, this is really subtle imagery. I wonder what they could represent? Benjamin turned and stared into the raven’s eyes and thoughts of vengeance on his brother flooded his mind, and he smiled widely with dark and malevolent intent. Benjamin slowly turned his head to the hourglass and said “I wish my brother…” he paused, and wind dramatically blew through his open window, and Benjamin completed his wish “…would die.”

With those very words, the two birds flew out the window and the sand moved downward. Benjamin’s smile of evil intent grew. He hid the Golden Hourglass under his bed carefully, and he laid his head on the pillow on his bed. Benjamin then pulled his comforter up to his neck, closed his eyes, and fell asleep.

The next day, Benjamin woke up as the sun shone in his face, awakening him. He opened his eyes and heard crying. He immediately got up and rushed to his brother’s quarters, to see a wizard of healing magic, his parents weeping on each other’s shoulders, and his brother in his bed, pail and apparently suffering. Benjamin stared into his brother’s eyes as he suffered, and he stared into his. This pain was real, not like the pain Jeremiah used to blame Benjamin for things. Benjamin turned to his parents in shock, and said turned to his parents in shock, and said “Mother, father, what’s happening?”

His parents were too busy weeping to respond, and the wizard said

“Your brother has a dreadful disease not known to anyone, nor is it treatable by any magic.” Benjamin’s eyes widened, his jaw dropped, and he hurtled out of the doorway and into his quarters, slamming the door behind him.

Benjamin, in a fit of rage and tears, grabbed the hourglass from under his bed, and yelled at it saying “Stop the wish! Stop the wish!”, yet the sand did not cease to move. Even more angered, he slammed the hourglass against his wall, in hopes of shattering the hourglass, but to no avail. He cracked a smile on his face, and it grew, as a chuckle germinated Germinated? Really? in him, which then became a laugh. It was clear that the answer to his problem was simple. He flipped over the hourglass and set it on his table. Benjamin stared in horror at what happened next. The sand in the hourglass was still moving, but it was moving upward, still keeping its former pattern.

A wave of despair came over him, and he dropped to his knees in anguish. He felt such a great power of guilt, tears flowed from his eyes like two running creeks. He opened his eyes to see a note. It was the not that had come with the cursed hourglass. He remembered what the note had said. Benjamin revived himself with hope of fixing his vicious sin. He darted out of his quarters, down the stairs, through the hall, into the lobby, and out of the front door, hourglass in hand.

Benjamin waited impatiently in the forest, surrounded by towering oak trees and stubby, round bushes. When suddenly, and without warning, the ground quaked for a split second, then another quake, and another, and another. The bushes shook, and the leaves fell from the rattling trees. A massive, winged, lizard-like silhouette with glaring red eyes that seemed like they could stare through your soul appeared behind the shadows of the trees and bushes. When finally, it had stepped forward towards the paralyzed Benjamin. This is a sentence fragment. The beast’s form had appeared behind the depths of the forest. It was a dragon with crimson red scales, large demonic wings, and a long, white beard. The dragon seemed hundreds of years old, and was full of wrinkles that signified it’s age. It held a very large staff with a gigantic blue orb that lay atop the staff.

The large dragon said in a deep and powerful, yet old and warming voice “Are you here because of my gift, Benjamin?” Benjamin’s eyes widened and the said with a stutter “G…Grandfather?” The giant heart beast heart beast? -_- responded with a warming, reassuring voice “Tis I, your grandfather, former king of this land. Now, you must be here for a reason, yes?”

Benjamin had come seeking answers, yet all he found were more questions so far. He said with more curiosity in his voice “What…happened to you?”

the great beast let out a sigh as he recollected his painful memory. The dragon said “I am Odin, your father’s father, and a powerful wizard. I created the Golden Hourglass so my sons could be happy.”

Benjamin’s face told the story of his confusion, and responded with a hesitation “Wait, sons? I have an uncle?”

Odin nodded with grief written all over his face, and explained “Had. You had an uncle. You see, my sons would play with the hourglass night and day, but I put a limit on it so they would have to wait 24 hours or more to wait before their wish would be fulfilled, to teach patience. Kenneth, my first born was always irresponsible, even as he matured. While his brother, Leon, was smart and organized, and could solve anything, from conflicts to puzzles. When Kenneth was twenty and Leon was eighteen, I revoked Kenneth’s inheritance of the throne, after he lost his cabin for not paying his taxes.LOL princes pay taxes too So he…used the hourglass…to kill Leon, and turn me into this…thing, so he could be king. 1. That's two wishes. 2. Why not just wish to be king? -_- 3. Why change the father into a dragon? lolwut? Though from what I’ve seen in my orb on the top of my staff here, the deed has anchored his conscience more than any other sin.”

Benjamin was devastated at the treachery committed by his own father years ago, and the fact that he had repeated it. At that moment, the sun began to go down, and the hourglass in his hands was almost done counting down to his brother’s destruction. Benjamin’s face turned pale as the winter snow, and said with panic and overwhelming fear as his heart raced “Quickly! You must tell me how to stop the sand!”

Benjamin didn’t even have to tell Odin what had happened, because it was written all over his face, in the very depths of his mind and soul. Odin had sighed a sigh of disappointment in his grandson, and said

“Simply unscrew the lid and dump the sand out. But not from the bottom!” LOOK, AND EASY OFF SWITCH TO THIS DEVICE! TOO BAD HE NEVER TOLD HIS KID!

Benjamin sighed a sigh of relief, his fears extinguished, his worries melted, and his mind, at ease. He carefully unscrewed the top of the Golden Hourglass, the lid with the dial on top, and threw the glittering sand inside the glass into the grass, and it sunk into the earth, as the remaining parts of the hourglass became mere ashes. At that moment, the very dove that had flown into his window last night flew down from the clear, blue sky and rested on Benjamin’s shoulder. Benjamin scratched the dove on it’s head with his index finger, and he remembered something. He turned to Odin and asked “What will happen to you?”

Odin laughed with a hardy, jolly, and elderly laugh, and said with a pleased voice “You needn’t worry about me, I will be fine, as long as you promise to visit every so often. Now, you should be returning home”

Benjamin returned home, with his family more elated than ever, especially his brother. His brother had realized that he was so close to death, and there was something he should tell his parents. He admitted the truth about the history of him and his brother, asked his father to revoke his birthright to the throne, and give it to Benjamin. Near death experience completely change basic nature of people. When Benjamin became of age he became king of all the land, took great care of his mother, father, and grandfather. His brother didn’t need any protection, because he had God’s protection. ...wat. He became a priest, and a religious leader. Benjamin’s relationship with Jeremiah was stronger than the strongest stone, and the Golden Hourglass was never seen again.

 

 

 

That was really bland. And nothing of significance happened. Happily ever after. Whoopdedoo.

[Blamonchesix]

... the characters maybe interesting but the whole story is quite simple.

 

Nothing Special.

[OMGAKITTY]

... the characters maybe interesting but the whole story is quite simple.

 

Nothing Special.

 

The characters sucked. Stereotypical "good king", stereotypical "bad prince", and stereotypical "good prince". The only half interesting twist to this was having "good prince" be somewhat flawed with anger. But that barely did anything to the plot, and the second he manned up and did something, he instantly regretted it.

[Blamonchesix]

... the characters maybe interesting but the whole story is quite simple.

 

Nothing Special.

 

The characters sucked. Stereotypical "good king"' date=' stereotypical "bad prince", and stereotypical "good prince". The only half interesting twist to this was having "good prince" be somewhat flawed with anger. But that barely did anything to the plot, and the second he manned up and did something, he instantly regretted it.

[/quote']

 

I though that he described them pretty good. Anyway, you got that right. Extremely stereotype people on an extremely stereotype story. XD

 

Again, (in my opinion) don't bother reading. Nothing Special.

[staticrevenger]

Cool story, bro.

[Infinitus]

Alright, alright, I get it. My story sucks.

 

I thought it would be somewhat of a good read, but I suppose not. Back to the drawing board.

 

I'm going to have a few more people say it's bad, then ask it to be locked.

[Juuzou]

tl;dr

[Felix Culpa]

King Kenneth? That's very intelligent. How about a name you don't hear about every day.

[Pikachu]

That is actually not bad imo.

 

But please, Kenneth is like Kenny. And Kenny is an unoriginal name. Change that.

[Dark]

I stopped after the first sentence.

 

Originality' date=' please.

[/quote']

 

Long ago, in a kingdom long forgotten...

 

I thought of Atlantis, so the first sentence didn't work well.

[Infinitus]

Admittedly, the name for the King sucks. I couldn't think of a name, and I just randomly came up with it. I'll change it when I can.

 

Any other things I should change?

 

Thank you Pikachu! ^_^ I value your opinion.

 

And yes, in retrospect the opening sentence isn't very grabbing, considering that it's been done quite a few times.

 

I'm just into those stories from the Middle Ages. With curses and magical items and other stuff like that.

[Yasu]

His brother didn’t need any protection' date=' because he had God’s protection.

[/quote']

I lol'd.

[Infinitus]

His brother didn’t need any protection' date=' because he had God’s protection.

[/quote']

I lol'd.

 

It makes sense after you read the next line. >_>

[Zimiri of the Muse]

Alright' date=' alright, I get it. My story sucks.

 

I thought it would be somewhat of a good read, but I suppose not. Back to the drawing board.

 

I'm going to have a few more people say it's bad, then ask it to be locked.

[/quote']

 

actually i rather liked it, and yeah alot of ppl said it "sucked" but dont lock it because of that. Yeah it has its flaws like very story does but overall i say it definently doesnt suck

[Infinitus]

Alright' date=' alright, I get it. My story sucks.

 

I thought it would be somewhat of a good read, but I suppose not. Back to the drawing board.

 

I'm going to have a few more people say it's bad, then ask it to be locked.

[/quote']

 

actually i rather liked it, and yeah alot of ppl said it "sucked" but dont lock it because of that. Yeah it has its flaws like very story does but overall i say it definently doesnt suck

 

I figured I'd have it locked considering that alot of people said it sucked, which I figured just about everyone else would think so.

[OMGAKITTY]

Alright' date=' alright, I get it. My story sucks.

 

I thought it would be somewhat of a good read, but I suppose not. Back to the drawing board.

 

I'm going to have a few more people say it's bad, then ask it to be locked.

[/quote']

 

actually i rather liked it, and yeah alot of ppl said it "sucked" but dont lock it because of that. Yeah it has its flaws like very story does but overall i say it definently doesnt suck

 

I figured I'd have it locked considering that alot of people said it sucked, which I figured just about everyone else would think so.

 

Biggest mistake was giving it that stupid happy ending. You had a bit of a "be careful what you wish for" theme going, ala Monkey's Paw. But then you killed it with that stupid dragon. Stupid talking dragon.