Felix Culpa Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 [align=center]The Red Entrapmentby Felix Culpa[/align] Author's Note: I have decided to serialize a small novella into parts for the reading pleasure of a captive audience. Please feel free to enjoy. [spoiler=Part 1]The morning after the end of the world, rolled into day, and I decided to stay in bed. Or at least, that's what it felt like. Last night, I had the worst experience ever. I was ten seconds away from being the luckiest guy in the world, but then, my dream was ruined. I was standing in the middle of the gymnasium for Junior prom, standing there, soaking in blood, of which I still wreaked. I think I should explain to you how this happened to me. Two weeks ago, I stood there, in front of the locker of one of my best friend's, looking at my friend approach, a glistening beauty about her. She walked toward me, smiling in her friendly way. "Hey, Jessica," I said marrily, almost too excited. "Jasper! What're you doing here? You were supposed to be on the ski trip this week! You stayed behind?" Jessica exclaimed, happily. "Ya, I wanted to ask you to t-" I rushed, only to be interrupted. Jessica's cellphone rang, and she went down to look at who it was, "I'm sorry, but I have to take this. You understand, right?" "Sure," I sighed, thinking. "Really?" Jessica screamed, excited, "Of course." She snapped the phone shut, and then she turned to me. "Hey, you'll never believed what just happened. You know John, right?" Jessica asked and I nodded, so she continued, "He just asked me to Junior Prom!" I stood there, angrily killing myself on the inside. As she walked off, carrying her bookbag, she turned back and waved, as if to salt my wounds. After she was a good distance away, I slammed my head into the locker. "Why am I so stupid?" I questioned myself, red-faced, "I should've known John would've asked her. He told me he was going to." I angrily walked off, screaming at myself in my mind, ready to spring on someone. I opened my locker and a note sat there between my books. It had John's scribbled handwriting on it "Jasper". I ripped it open. "Looks like I've beaten you once again. You should've asked sooner. I knew you liked her. And I've liked her too. So I'm guessing that I win." I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, making my homeroom teacher come out. "Jasper Flynn, what are you doing causing a commotion out here!" "Nothing," I fumed angrily at him. "Just leaving." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oblique Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 I found it quite enjoyable. Try not to say "said" so often; the slightest critique is applied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Frostpaw Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 [align=center]The Red Entrapmentby Felix Culpa[/align] Author's Note: I have decided to serialize a small novella into parts for the reading pleasure of a captive audience. Please feel free to enjoy. [spoiler=Part 1]The morning after the end of the world' date=' rolled into day, and I decided to stay in bed. Or at least, that's what it felt like. Last night, I had the worst experience ever. I was ten seconds away from being the luckiest guy in the world, but then, my dream was ruined. I was standing in the middle of the gymnasium for Junior prom, standing there, soaking in blood, of which I still wreaked. I think I should explain to you how this happened to me. Two weeks ago, I stood there, in front of the locker of one of my best friend's, looking at my friend approach, a glistening beauty about her. She walked toward me, smiling in her friendly way. "Hey, Jessica," I said marrily, almost too excited. "Jasper! What're you doing here? You were supposed to be on the ski trip this week! You stayed behind?" Jessica said. "Ya, I wanted to ask you to t-" I said, only to be interrupted. Jessica's cellphone rang, and she went down to look at who it was, "I'm sorry, but I have to take this. You understand, right?" "Sure," I sighed, thinking. "Really?" Jessica screamed, excited, "Of course." She snapped the phone shut, and then she turned to me. "Hey, you'll never believed what just happened. You know John, right?" Jessica said and I nodded, "He just asked me to Junior Prom!" I stood there, angrily killing myself on the inside. As she walked off, carrying her bookbag, she turned back and waved, as if to salt my wounds. After she was a good distance away, I slammed my head into the locker. "Why am I so stupid?" I said to myself, red-faced, "I should've known John would've asked her. He told me he was going to." I angrily walked off, screaming at myself in my mind, ready to spring on someone. I opened my locker and a note sat there between my books. It had John's scribbled handwriting on it "[i']Jasper[/i]". I ripped it open. "Looks like I've beaten you once again. You should've asked sooner. I knew you liked her. And I've liked her too. So I'm guessing that I win." I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, making my homeroom teacher come out. "Jasper Flynn, what are you doing causing a commotion out here!" "Nothing," I said angrily at him. "Just leaving." Pretty good IMO. Can't wait for part 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felix Culpa Posted October 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 I found it quite enjoyable. Try not to say "said" so often; the slightest critique is applied. Ya' date=' I've been working on that in my novel too. It's kind of hard, but I'm managing. I can't find words to display the proper emotion behind the words, so yeah.[align=center]The Red Entrapmentby Felix Culpa[/align] Author's Note: I have decided to serialize a small novella into parts for the reading pleasure of a captive audience. Please feel free to enjoy. [spoiler=Part 1]The morning after the end of the world' date=' rolled into day, and I decided to stay in bed. Or at least, that's what it felt like. Last night, I had the worst experience ever. I was ten seconds away from being the luckiest guy in the world, but then, my dream was ruined. I was standing in the middle of the gymnasium for Junior prom, standing there, soaking in blood, of which I still wreaked. I think I should explain to you how this happened to me. Two weeks ago, I stood there, in front of the locker of one of my best friend's, looking at my friend approach, a glistening beauty about her. She walked toward me, smiling in her friendly way. "Hey, Jessica," I said marrily, almost too excited. "Jasper! What're you doing here? You were supposed to be on the ski trip this week! You stayed behind?" Jessica said. "Ya, I wanted to ask you to t-" I said, only to be interrupted. Jessica's cellphone rang, and she went down to look at who it was, "I'm sorry, but I have to take this. You understand, right?" "Sure," I sighed, thinking. "Really?" Jessica screamed, excited, "Of course." She snapped the phone shut, and then she turned to me. "Hey, you'll never believed what just happened. You know John, right?" Jessica said and I nodded, "He just asked me to Junior Prom!" I stood there, angrily killing myself on the inside. As she walked off, carrying her bookbag, she turned back and waved, as if to salt my wounds. After she was a good distance away, I slammed my head into the locker. "Why am I so stupid?" I said to myself, red-faced, "I should've known John would've asked her. He told me he was going to." I angrily walked off, screaming at myself in my mind, ready to spring on someone. I opened my locker and a note sat there between my books. It had John's scribbled handwriting on it "[i']Jasper[/i]". I ripped it open. "Looks like I've beaten you once again. You should've asked sooner. I knew you liked her. And I've liked her too. So I'm guessing that I win." I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, making my homeroom teacher come out. "Jasper Flynn, what are you doing causing a commotion out here!" "Nothing," I said angrily at him. "Just leaving." Pretty good IMO. Can't wait for part 2. Thank you. Part 2 will be up soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 You know this is meant to be in Fan-Fiction, right? It may not actually be Fan-Fiction, but that's where it belongs. :/ Anyway, seemed kinda poor to me. I have no insight whatsoever, just a guy getting turned down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felix Culpa Posted October 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 You know this is meant to be in Fan-Fiction' date=' right? It may not actually be Fan-Fiction, but that's where it belongs. :/ Anyway, seemed kinda poor to me. I have no insight whatsoever, just a guy getting turned down.[/quote'] Well, Insanity, that is why there is plot and cliffhangers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 You know this is meant to be in Fan-Fiction' date=' right? It may not actually be Fan-Fiction, but that's where it belongs. :/ Anyway, seemed kinda poor to me. I have no insight whatsoever, just a guy getting turned down.[/quote'] Well, Insanity, that is why there is plot and cliffhangers. I see no plot; you left me no cliffhanger. You left me a piece of writing that has literally nothing. I'm not pulled in. I don't want to know what happens. There's just nothing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Fanfic says hai. The morning after the end of the world, rolled into day, and I decided to stay in bed. I don't understand this sentence. Or at least, that's what it felt like. Last night, I had the worst experience ever. I was ten seconds away from being the luckiest guy in the world, but then, my dream was ruined. I was standing in the middle of the gymnasium for Junior prom, standing there, soaking in blood, of which I still wreeked. Better transition. This sentence is confusing also. I think I should explain to you how this happened to me. Two weeks ago, I stood there, in front of the locker of one of my best friend's, looking at my friend approach, a glistening beauty about her. She walked toward me, smiling in her friendly way. Give your friends names, pl0x "Hey, Jessica," I said merrily, almost too excited. "Jasper! What're you doing here? You were supposed to be on the ski trip this week! You stayed behind?" Jessica saidasked. "Ya, I wanted to ask you to t-" I saidbegan, only to be interrupted. Jessica's cellphone rang, and she went down to look at who it was, "I'm sorry, but I have to take this. You understand, right?" "Sure," I sighed, thinking. Thinking what? "Really?" Jessica screamed, excited, "Of course." She snapped the phone shut, and then she turned to me. "Hey, you'll never believed what just happened. You know John, right?" Jessica said and I nodded, "He just asked me to Junior Prom!" lolaskingovercellphone I stood there, angrily killing myself on the inside. As she walked off, carrying her bookbag, she turned back and waved, as if to salt my wounds. After she was a good distance away, I slammed my head into the locker. "Why am I so stupid?" I said toasked myself, red-faced, "I should've known John would've asked her. He told me he was going to."lolmaincharacterisadumbass I angrily walked off, screaming at myself in my mind, ready to spring on someone. I opened my locker and a note sat there between my books. It had John's scribbled handwriting on it "Jasper". I ripped it open. "Looks like I've beaten you once again. You should've asked sooner. I knew you liked her. And I've liked her too. So I'm guessing that I win."That is just stupid. I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, making my homeroom teacher come out. "Jasper Flynn, what are you doing causing a commotion out here!" "Nothing," I said angrily at him. "Just leaving." Your intro is interesting, although it need serious work. It is terribly confusing, and poorly written out. You have a penchant of using 'said' too much. Even when they are asking questions. Fix that. The flow isn't too bad. You should fix some realism issues though.....a cellphone ask-out to prom? And then a locker note gloating about it? :/Also, make it Senior prom, to make it more exciting. Junior prom isn't that big of a deal. And you definitely should have built up more anxiety and nervousness in the part where Jasper is about to ask Jessica out. You kind of just gloss over it. If you're going to do first person, take advantage of it, and really get inside your character. Tell the viewer how he's feeling as everything happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Doesn't anyone know what Fan-Fic is for, or where it is located? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luna Lovegood Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Never heard of it. Can you give me directions? On a non-unrelated note, not bad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snitch Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Doesn't anyone know what Fan-Fic is for' date=' or where it is located?[/quote'] It is located here (:D) >>here onwards is aimed at Felix>>and I asked once where I should post my original works and was located there. A lot of people do it - think of it as a Writer's Corner. I've asked for it to be changed, but no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dad Posted October 3, 2009 Report Share Posted October 3, 2009 Fanfic says hai. The morning after the end of the world' date=' rolled into day, and I decided to stay in bed. [b']I don't understand this sentence.[/b] Or at least, that's what it felt like. Last night, I had the worst experience ever. I was ten seconds away from being the luckiest guy in the world, but then, my dream was ruined. I was standing in the middle of the gymnasium for Junior prom, standing there, soaking in blood, of which I still wreeked. Better transition. This sentence is confusing also. I think I should explain to you how this happened to me. Two weeks ago, I stood there, in front of the locker of one of my best friend's, looking at my friend approach, a glistening beauty about her. She walked toward me, smiling in her friendly way. Give your friends names, pl0x "Hey, Jessica," I said merrily, almost too excited. "Jasper! What're you doing here? You were supposed to be on the ski trip this week! You stayed behind?" Jessica saidasked. "Ya, I wanted to ask you to t-" I saidbegan, only to be interrupted. Jessica's cellphone rang, and she went down to look at who it was, "I'm sorry, but I have to take this. You understand, right?" "Sure," I sighed, thinking. Thinking what? "Really?" Jessica screamed, excited, "Of course." She snapped the phone shut, and then she turned to me. "Hey, you'll never believed what just happened. You know John, right?" Jessica said and I nodded, "He just asked me to Junior Prom!" lolaskingovercellphone I stood there, angrily killing myself on the inside. As she walked off, carrying her bookbag, she turned back and waved, as if to salt my wounds. After she was a good distance away, I slammed my head into the locker. "Why am I so stupid?" I said toasked myself, red-faced, "I should've known John would've asked her. He told me he was going to."lolmaincharacterisadumbass I angrily walked off, screaming at myself in my mind, ready to spring on someone. I opened my locker and a note sat there between my books. It had John's scribbled handwriting on it "Jasper". I ripped it open. "Looks like I've beaten you once again. You should've asked sooner. I knew you liked her. And I've liked her too. So I'm guessing that I win."That is just stupid. I grabbed my bag and slammed the locker shut, making my homeroom teacher come out. "Jasper Flynn, what are you doing causing a commotion out here!" "Nothing," I said angrily at him. "Just leaving." Your intro is interesting, although it need serious work. It is terribly confusing, and poorly written out. You have a penchant of using 'said' too much. Even when they are asking questions. Fix that. The flow isn't too bad. You should fix some realism issues though.....a cellphone ask-out to prom? And then a locker note gloating about it? :/Also, make it Senior prom, to make it more exciting. Junior prom isn't that big of a deal. And you definitely should have built up more anxiety and nervousness in the part where Jasper is about to ask Jessica out. You kind of just gloss over it. If you're going to do first person, take advantage of it, and really get inside your character. Tell the viewer how he's feeling as everything happens. That about sums up my opinion. It's not bad, but I think you could do better. Don't think I don't want part two to this. ;D And put it in fan-fic damnit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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