Union of Justice .:Book 2:. ~Shattered Union; Rise Of The Regulants~ {Chapter 15 up!)

[ragnarok1945]

I know this fic is still on hiatus, but you have any idea how much longer we need to wait it out?

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

Not long, I hope. I began writing Chapter 15 today, so it should be done soon, since almost half of it is done now.

[ragnarok1945]

good, let's hope it'll be done before the end of the month then

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

Oh, you mean this one? Chapter 15, ladies and gents'!

 

[spoiler=Chapter 15 - Old Flames and New Partners][align=center]Chapter 15 - Old Flames and New Partners

 

As the Union had managed to introduce at least Sasuke to the now-shocked Shinigami, they had some time figuring out the identity of the other two.

 

"So, let me repeat this..." Rika said to the two strangers, who were standing up on their own now after having recovered. "You two said that you're pirates, right?"

 

"That's right!" the younger one grinned dumbly. "We're from the Straw Hat Pirates! And I'm the Captain; Monkey D. Luffy!" he said this with his trademark grin as he looked at the rest of the Union. "And I'm gonna be the Pirate King!"

 

"Yes, we know that, baka." Renamon growled through clenched teeth, having heard that for the possibly tenth time in a row. Sasuke had recovered as well, and was sitting near Renamon for obvious reasons. Ever since they had fought each other in the Konoha Arena, and had their little 'intimate' moment in the locker room, they had begun to feel special towards each other. None of them - especially Sasuke - knew why they felt like this, they just did. Rika nodded at Luffy and turned to the other one, who instantly seemed lost in Rika's eyes. "And you were?"

 

"Aah, I'd be anyone for you, my graceful young lady!~" the man mused in a romantic tone, but he only received a punch in the face. He kept on smiling however. "Aaah, you remind me so much of Nami-San. She is also beautiful when she's angry~" Rika sighed at the man's hopelessly romantic dreams, and bashed his head again.

 

"Listen, amateur Romeo. I only want your name, ok?" she gritted her teeth a bit. "So, who are you?" the man straightened himself, before litting a cigarette and stuffing it in his mouth, blowing out smoke strings in a few seconds.

 

"My apologies." he said in a calm manner. "My name's Sanji. Black-Leg Sanji, if you prefer a title. Best cook in all of East Blue. And a somewhat skilled fighter." he did look like he was in good shape, as Rika noted that his legs were quite slim. "Anyhow, we don't know why we got here, if that is what you will ask for." he added, as Rika was about to ask just that thing. "We were warped out of our world, and into a gloomy fortress of some sort."

 

"Same here." Sasuke added in. "I was with my Team Taka when I was warped away all of a sudden, and found myself with that perverted chef and the idiot rubber-man."

 

"OI! Who you callin' idiot?!" Luffy demanded, standing up in a battle position. Sanji took the same offenside position towards Sasuke, gritting his teeth a bit.

 

"And you'd better watch your mouth, emo-face!" he growled.

 

"You're one to talk." Sasuke said back at Sanji, which obviously made him snap as he kicked straight into Sasuke's face, making him fly backwards and into a tree. But just as Renamon was about to rush to his aid, his body disappeared in a poof of smoke, and he was seen again by Renamon's side. He had used a Shadow Clone. "Hmph. I've had enough of this. Let's go, Renamon." he said and walked off. Renamon gave a glance at Rika, asking for permission to follow him. Rika nodded with a sweet smile, and Renamon smiled back, as she rushed up to Sasuke, following him as they walked off to somewhere else. The Shinigamis were just startles by this little "show".

 

"Man, and I thought we had group problems. These guys are chaotic." Renji muttered to himself. He then picked up his Zanpakutõ, before he walked up to them. "Oi, you guys. So are you going to argue or actually help us?" he asked. Rika turned to Renji to look him in the eyes, with a gaze that could say "in due time" without even uttering the words. Renji picked up this signal, and shrugged as he walked off. Then, Rika's gaze turned to Ikkaku, who was standing behind the rest.

 

"First off..." she said, looking at the bald Shinigami. "You and I have unfinished business to take care of, Madarame Ikkaku."

 

"Eh?" Ikkaku said, turning his head to Rika. "What the hell you on now, lil' girl?"

 

"You fought us, remember?" Rika said, seemingly forgetting that it had been a replica of Ikkaku she and Renamon had fought.

 

"Geez, you stupid or something?" Ikkaku asked. "It was not me you guys fought; it was a faker. Remember?" Rika then remembered, and lowered her head a bit.

 

"Oh, right." she said. "My apologies, Madarame Ikkaku." she then apologized, but Ikkaku merely flashed a bloodthirsty grin.

 

"But if you so eagerly wanna fight me, I guess that I'm up for it!" he said, and stood up with his Zanpakutõ on his shoulders. "I could use some practive, especially when it's up against something I haven't fought before!" Rika smiled a bit.

 

"Great! I'll tell R-... oh right, she went with Sasuke." Rika noticed. "Why is she spending time with him?" she wondered. Harry and Ron shrugged a bit.

 

"Beats us." they replied simultaneously.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

As the others wondered where they had walked off to, Renamon and Sasuke were just being together for the time being. They had found a lake near the camp, and since it was still night time, and the stars were shining in the night skies, the lake was glimmering like the sea of stars above them. Sasuke was sitting near a rock, which he supported himself on by leaning onto it, and Renamon had found a nice place to lay down on, just looking towards the lake with a smile on her face.

 

"Hey, Sasuke..." she then said, turning around and looking at Sasuke with a bright smile. "How long has it been since we saw each other?" Sasuke shrugged, but smirked as he was teasing Renamon; he knew the exact date and time the last time they saw each other, but he just felt like playing along with Renamon's happiness that they were together again.

 

"Can't say I remember so clearly." he said simply, his playful smirk still on his lips. The Kitsune Digimon giggled slightly as she sat up, and moved back towards the rock that Sasuke was sitting at, and shuffled a bit closer to him. Her furry paw then met his hand, and for a moment, time slowed down for both of them. This was the one place where they wanted to be, and no one would interrupt them. They both looked at each other, and Renamon slowly moved her head closer to Sasuke's, always looking into his dark, onyx eyes. He did the same, seemingly lost in Renamon's ocean blue eyes, which were glimmering like sapphires in the dark. They pressed their foreheads against each other, just looking at each other in that position.

 

"I can't say how glad I am to see you again... Sasuke-kun..." Renamon finally said, moving up one of her paws and letting one of her fingers gently trace down his face, till' she reached his chin and held it gently. "Words can't explain how I've missed you. Ever since that time we had in the locker room... I-I've felt something special for you..." she was interrupted briefly by Sasuke's hand gently stroking her neck, which made her gasp slightly as a pang of pleasure ran down her spine, making her entire body shiver slightly.

 

"As have I, Rena-chan." he admitted, giving the Kitsune a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose. She blushed sharply then, her entire face being in different shades of beating red. The way he had said "Rena-chan" made her feel so important and valuable to him, unlike how Yoruichi had called her that just to tease her. She smiled nervously as she nodded at him. This made him chuckle slightly. "Rena-chan. You're so easily influenced." he said as he noted the way she had agreeded on that they've missed each other.

 

"I know." she replied, but she just kept smiling. "But that's how I am, you know? I keep getting so easliy emotional when something happens... it's kind of my weakness, sometimes. But now, when you're around... I hope that I will be able to turn that into my strenght instead." Sasuke then held his arms around Renamon, and brought her closer than ever.

 

"Let me help you then." he said, and with that, their lips locked in a deep, passionate kiss. Renamon moaned slightly as she finally felt Sasuke's lips caressing her own once more, and she held his head gently, slipping her fingers through his hair like she did last time. Sasuke moaned with equal pleasure, and ran his hands along her back, down to her firm bottocks, which he squeezed lightly. Renamon gasped a bit, and broke the kiss.

 

"Perv ninja." she giggled, tapping his nose. He just smirked, and leaned forward to nibble on Renamon's neck, which made her moan.

 

"Horny fox." he teased back, still smirking at her. She giggled and nodded slightly, before leaning up to Sasuke again and kissing his lips again, but only briefly this time, before pulling back and smiling at him.

 

"I love you, Sasuke-kun." she smiled, and Sasuke smirked back, stroking her head before petting it slightly.

 

"I love you too, Rena-chan." he said. Then he heard a distant voice call for Renamon, and he stood up, helping Renamon up. "Your Tamer is looking for you." he said, and Renamon heard it too. "Go ahead. I'll catch up later." he said. Renamon nodded, and rushed off to meet up with Rika. Sasuke sighed as he looked over the lake, which was glimmering with starlights and the moon's reflection.

 

"Forgive me... Sakura-chan." he thought, as he looked up to the night sky. "She is just... so much more to me than you." then he began walking off to catch up with Renamon and the others.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

As Renamon and Sasuke finally got back to the Union and Shinigamis, they saw that Ikkaku was standing in front of them, a wide grin on his face. Renamon saw the look in his eyes, knowing that it was a sign that he wanted to fight her.

 

"Rika. I suppose you set up the fight?" she asked Rika without delay, and she was sort of surprised that Renamon could guess so accurately. She nodded slowly.

 

"Y-Yeah, I did..." she said. Renamon just nodded and turned to Ikkaku.

 

"That's good enough for me." she said with a slight frown, seeing Ikkaku still smirk at her. "Don't be so smug about this. I know that even if I faced a replica of you earlier, it would still have your battle tactics and skills programmed into its mind, so I won't have much of a challenge with you. And I've trained as well, so I am much more powerful than before.

 

"Heh, less yappin' more fightin', or those are just empty words!" smirked Ikkaku, preparing for a battle. Renamon simply shrugged at Ikkaku's demands, and brought up her fists.

 

"If you say so, Ikkaku." Renamon said blankly, and focused on Ikkaku in case he would make the first move or not. He did, as he charged straight for Renamon, drawing his Zanpakutõ and wielding it in his left hand with his scabbard in the right hand. "Just the same strategy that the replica used." Renamon noted, as she rushed towards the Shinigami as well, delivering a kick towards him. Ikkaku deflected the attack with his scabbard and swinged his blade towards Renamon. She made a backflip, spinning in the air in a graceful circle before she landed, only to find Ikkaku's sword near her. She used Shunpo to dodge the attack.

 

"Heh, so you learned Shunpo, eh?" Ikkaku smirked, turning to attack Renamon again. "It won't save you just by running!" he shouted as he slashed downwards, making a long tear in the dirt as he had missed again. Renamon had vanished again, and was now above Ikkaku, her hands held at him.

 

"Diamond Storm!" she shouted, and a hailstorm of diamon shards were sent towards Ikkaku, hitting him dead-on. The shards ripped up his clothing and tore small but numerous wounds into his flesh, and as the hailstorm ended, he stood there, blood dripping from his wounds and his robes being torn up from the attack. He smirked still, as he somehow enjoyed the fight. Renamon landed in front of him. "You giving up yet?" she asked. Ikkaku merely stood up.

 

"Not yet, hehe..." he chuckled with a voice that could only demand more battle and bloodshed. "Not until one of us is completely out of the game..." with that, he took his Zanpakutõ and scabbard, and slammed only the hilt into the scabbard. Renamon was shocked, as she didn't know what he was going to do. "Grow, Hozukimaru!" with this, his Zanpakutõ began to glow and extend, and with a whirl of wind forming around it, it revealed the form of what appeared to be a Naginata with a wax wood shaft. The pommel also had a red horsehair tassel. Renamon was stunned as Ikkaku's Zanpakutõ changed form and appearance.

 

"That didn't happen when I fought the replica! What is that? Is that still the sword he fought with? Why did it change form?" she thought while observing the Zanpakutõ. Ikkaku wielded it in both hands while smirking.

 

"Keh, you giving up now? Too bad. The fight was just about to get started!" Ikkaku announced, as he charged at Renamon, wielding Hozukimaru in front of him and preparing to stab Renamon. Renamon caught his movements, and disappeared as she used Shunpo to get away, but Ikkaku caught up her movements as well, and stabbed at his right, which made Renamon appear again behind him, but her left arm had been grazed from a slash wound. "Oh? Didn't think I could see your Shunpo, eh? Please, your Shunpo is only the half of a regular Shinigami! I can see you as if you were running normally!" Ikkaku then leaped up into the air, spinning around with Hozukimaru in a 360 degree circle before slamming down at Renamon's position, but she had dodged in time, as the ground tore open from the attack and making an impact crater. Ikkaku snarled in annoyance, as he saw Renamon reappear in front of him.

 

"Damn it! He's too fast for me, even with attacks like that." Renamon thought as she saw the miniature crater that had formed. "Even if he used clumsy attacks, he seems to be an expert on Naginatajutsu, and so he would be highly expertised on wielding a Zanpakutõ like that one. I must be careful. One false move for me, and it is over with me." she slowly stood up again. "I'm impressed, Ikkaku. You've proven a bigger challenge for me than most of my foes, including the replica of you. Of all the things I expected, I did not expect you to release your Zanpakutõ."

 

"Heh, what's the matter, scared?" Ikkaku smirked. "I won't back down just because you got a little piss in your panties. I'm fighting till' I can't stand up!" Renamon growled a bit at Ikkaku's foolish behavior and stubborness to fight - which was kind of like her stubborness to not give up - and brought up her fists again to fight anew.

 

"I guess you'll have to learn the hard way." she said and charged Ikkaku, delivering a flurry of punches and kicks. Ikkaku merely brought up Hozukimaru, spinning it rapidly around and forming a defensive barrier in front of himself to deflect the attacks. At one punch, both of them locked each other in a battle stance, just glaring at each other. Ikkaku smirked more than usual, and then revealed something unusual;

 

"Split, Hozukimaru!"

 

At this, three sections splitted apart from the staff, revealing that a chain connected them to each other. Hozukimaru was no ordinary Naginata; it was in fact a Sansetsukon. The part with the blade on it was now swinging towards Renamon's head, but she used Shunpo to quickly get away, although a streak of blood was seen at her cheek. She had been wounded again by Hozukimaru.

 

"What the hell?!" she exclaimed, and Ikkaku merely grinned as he held his Sansetsukon in his hands while the mid-section was on his shoulders.

 

"This is the true form of Hozukimaru!" he said, flashing another grin. "After I release it to its Shikai form, I can then change it again to its real form, which is the Sansetsukon you now see. Hozukimaru won't release to its fully released form at once, you see. He's such a lazy bum, unlike the others' Zanpakutõ. I can see you're not in the mood to fight." he then said randomly, noticing Renamon's facial expression. He sighed a bit in depression. "What a pity. I'd expected you to keep up for at least a few more minutes. Very well..." he brought up Hozukimaru again, the three sections re-connecting again. "Guess I'll have to FORCE you to fight!" he laughed a bit evilly as he charged Renamon again, and stabbed at her with his Naginata Zanpakutõ. Renamon did the best to dodge the attacks. Truth be told, Ikkaku was right; she was not in a mood to fight, but if now Ikkaku wanted a fight, then he would be given one. Flames of ghostly blue flared up in her palms, and she charged back at Ikkaku.

 

"Power Paw!" she announced, spinning around in the air before delivering a kick towards Ikkaku. He instantly brought up the shaft of his Naginata to defend himself, but the impact of the attack was too great, and the spear broke in half. Astonished by the raw power, Ikkaku did not bother to try and defend himself, as the kick was connected to his gut, a loud gag being heard as he was hit. Renamon then followed up by a series of punches to his chest and face, then finished with an uppercut which sended him flying, and then crashing into the ground again. Renamon's flames disappeared, and Ikkaku was revealed laying on the ground, exhausted and with his Zanpakutõ back in its sealed state. He panted loudly as he got up, and brought his sword to his scabbard, sheathing it.

 

"Keh, you're not too bad." he said simply. "You'd make a great Shinigami, too bad you ain't dead. Well, I guess I'll see ya sometimes." he walked off to the other Shinigamis, who seemed a bit excited from the fight display. Everyone except Byakuya and Toshiro were looking that way, that is. They were still serious as ever, and walked off to their tents. Renamon was panting as well, before she received a hug from behind. It was Rika.

 

"You did great, Renamon." she said with a smile.

 

"Thanks, Rika." Renamon smiled back, petting Rika's head. She turned to the other Union members - Luffy, Sanji and Sasuke included - as she smiled even wider. "It seems they enjoyed the view."

 

"They sure did. Luffy kept screaming 'cool!' all the time, and Sasuke said he was proud of seeing you be on top notch ever since your last fight with him. I guess he is really concerned about you." Rika said, not knowing where they had been the other minute before the fight. Renamon just laughed a bit and nodded, looking at Sasuke with a smile on her face.

 

"You have no idea, Rika."

 

To be continued...

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[ragnarok1945]

yeah still comparing, doesn't look like Rika EVER had a hard side in your fic compared to in the anime itself

 

makes me wonder if you'd ever show that part of her.........

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

BUMP. Sorry if this is counted as Necro-bump, but I won't let this die.

[ragnarok1945]

I'm still interested in this fic you know

 

question is, how long before chap 16 comes up?

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

I haven't even begun working on it.

 

Somehow, this has lingered on so long in my head that I begin to lose interest in it, I'm afraid.

[ragnarok1945]

well then hopefully you can regain interest in it soon

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

BUMP

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

BUMP

 

Sorry for not posting any new Chapters, but I am working on it, promise.

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

BUMP

 

I dunno if I should continue this. Does anyone think I should continue?

[CrabHelmet]

The world of Fan Fiction is a wide and varied realm. You have your adventure fanfics that flesh out an amazing and colourful world. You have your character study fanfics that explore the protagonist in ways the original author never imagined. You have your tender romantic shipping fanfics that depict a warm and fuzzy relationship between two characters that make an excellent pairing. And you have your comedy fanfics that can make the reader laugh out loud.

 

Unfortunately, that's not all you have. You also have your fanfics that grasp the English language so badly that you begin to wonder what language they are actually written in. You have your fanfics in which a new Mary Sue appears and destroys the entire actual cast. You have your fanfics in which characters' actual personalities and histories are completely mangled to the point where they may as well be someone totally different with a similar name. You have your fanfics with totally nonsensical relationships, where the author suddenly reveals that McCoy and Snape are secretly lovers. You have your fanfics where so little follows logically that it can barely be called a story; where flat and bland characters perform mundane activities that nobody cares about; where the canon story is rehashed so directly that one wonders what the fan actually contributed; and where mediocrity is so omnipresent that one cannot find the interest to continue reading.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

Before we begin, I should mention that I've been informed via PM that .:Abarai Renji:. (who I'm going to call AR from now on because I'll either misspell it or get sick of typing those punctuation symbols) is Swedish, so English isn't his first language, but each sentence is still checked and double-checked. Guys, this chap isn't even a native speaker of English, and his writing is still going to doubtlessly be better than that of most Foe Fic authors.

 

The story opens with a Chapter Plot that I have no intention of reading, even though this is a sequel to something I haven't read, but I think it's mostly about this story and not a recap of the previous story, so there's no point in me reading it for background anyhow. If I can't figure out the plot from the story itself, I shouldn't be required to read the supplemental materials like Chapter Plot to explain things to me that the text should be able to directly. Then there's some character bios, which I'm also skipping.

 

We'll begin with the-

 

Anten's not here.

 

Eh?

 

I think she's off saving the universe or making friends with bunny rabbits or something. Anyhow, she's not back yet.

 

Well, we can't wait for her; the cameras are rolling already. The three of us will handle this one. Prologue, start!

 

Boredom.

 

AR summarizes what we would have felt if we had actually read Chapter Plot and the character bios.

 

Too many times has it struck this young man, as he sat there in front of his Windows Vista Laptop.

 

I bolded your problem for your convenience.

 

He was bored out of his mind, and sorta sappy about his situation. He was doing bad in school,

 

Why are shonen protagonists, chessmasters notwithstanding, always book-dumb?

 

That's not a serious question; I know why. It's because authors can't risk alienating any of their target audience. If the hero is smarter than the reader, there is a risk that the reader will feel insulted and cease to be a reader. But it still creates a bizarre equation of goodness and stupidity that I really can't condone.

 

his classmates always teased him by calling him "girl" or "lady" just because of the fact he had hair down to his shoulders, colored in a mixture of blond & brown.

 

Finally, the cute bishonen guys I demanded eleven reviews ago have shown up!

 

Still, I really can't imagine people calling a guy "girl" or "lady" for a reason like that - or, really, for just about any similar reason. To me, what the description brings to mind is some kind of seventies rock star, which is just plain awesome; I'm going to be picturing this guy as some hybrid of John Lennon and Rick Wakeman. Maybe it's a translation thing and it makes more sense in the original Swedish (though I'd always pictured all Swedish guys as looking like that by default, mainly because the only Swedish guys I've really seen are the ones in ABBA).

 

A sigh passed his lips as he opened his Account on YCM, scrolling through the Fan Fic and RP Sections rather quickly.

 

I see. He's failing school because he's intended to be such a direct stand-in for the reader that he even visits YCM. I'd object to that were it not for the fact that working at Foe Fiction has taught me that being book-dumb is almost certainly a reasonable characteristic to ascribe to most people who visit the Fan Fic section.

 

"Nothing..." he said for himself.

 

"Then he looked again and realized that Crab Helmet had come out with 4 And 20 Blackbirds, and he ran away went to read it immediately and his boredom was made several times worse cured!"

 

This young man's name was Fredrik Lindell. He was all alone, except for his MSN buds.

 

I'm not sure what I was expecting from this story, but I certainly wasn't expecting a tragedy.

 

He had a few, most of them were buds from YCM.

 

If this guy doesn't even have real friends to speak of to care about him, why should I?

 

Yes, I know it's fun to joke about how YCM users are all stupid friendless losers who et cetera et cetera et cetera, but the joke's been rather run into the ground by this point, and spending approximately one paragraph in total on it seems rather unnecessary.

 

But somehow, one of them was the "ass" of the group, always joking with him about things he didn't see as jokes. Fredrik thought he was just what he said he was; an ass. But then again, that was his decision.

 

Wait a minute. In this story, there's some negative guy on YCM who constantly and deliberately makes fun of things that other people take seriously and generally acts like a total jerk? This is me! I'm in this story! THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER.

 

Fred' had more positive pals anyways, like Hatake Kakashi, AKA Kevin.

 

Wait a minute, I don't even get a name in this story!? That does it, just for that I'm going to say that THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER, regardless of its actual quality. Well, actually, second-worst; I'll keep that sexist Ash/Dawn story at the very bottom.

 

This was double-proofread but that random apostrophe was still left in? I don't see how this could be a translation problem.

 

Fabulous, we have a guy whose real name is Kevin who goes by an exaggeratedly Japanese name. Look, when the best example of a good friend you have is someone you met online who probably sprinkles random Japanese words into his speech, you really are alone. And what makes you think you can win - or even have motivation to win - without friends to fight for?

 

Fredrik sighed again, and looked into his computer screen, just zoning out.

 

I do this all the time while typing these reviews.

 

Suddenly, as he looked closer, he saw that the screen was digitalizing, and surrounding him as well. "W-What the hell?" he exclaimed, and tried to struggle free from the energy holding him, but in vain. Then, he felt himself dissolve.

 

I really want to know what that feels like. What sensation does one have that makes one react with the thought that, "Oh, I guess I'm feeling myself dissolve," anyhow? I'm guessing it's something like pins and needles.

 

It's true.

 

Thanks for confirming that the disembodied narrator didn't just tell us a total lie for no reason at all. Sadly, this being a completely true story (which it obviously is) makes it ineligible to be in this section; I'll move it to Fan Non-Fic immediately.

 

He dissolved into small particles, and was sucked into the computer. As the chaos was over, all that was left was a young man's Laptop...in an empty room.

 

I remember seeing this happen in Super Mario Sunshine.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

So far, it's a fairly generic reader-surrogate-gets-randomly-sucked-into-adventure setup, albeit with a more direct reader surrogate than most. Done well, it could end up a good story; done badly, it will be cliché and boring. Let's see what happens.

 

"Oi, think he will wake up?"

 

"Most plausible, though I believe the shock will rather knock him out again."

 

"Nah, c'mon now! He will wake up!"

 

FIVE MINUTES AGO: "Alright, guys, be sure to explicitly mention in every sentence that what we are referring to is whether or not he will wake up. If we don't remind the reader of that every line, they might get confused."

 

Fredrik was hearing voices all around him, and he opened his eyes, and saw that he was in a laying position. Above him, he saw three persons look at him;

 

One was dressed in a white jacket with black trims all over it, black jeans and grey sneakers. His hair was white, and his eyes red. His arms were covered in bandages, and weren't visible.

 

White uniform. White hair. Red eyes. Bandaged arms.

 

 

I'm in a story alongside a cute Swedish bishonen and a male version of Rei. THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER.

 

Another had brown jeans with dragon scales painted at the feet, and had black shoes. His T-shirt/vest was white, and he had brown hair, an enigmatic smile hanging on his lips. The third was dressed in a red T-shirt, jeans, and a Camo fleece. His black, curly hair hanged over his acne-spotted face, and he was incredibly tall, it seemed, as Fredrik laid down and all, but he was also skinny.

 

We're actually getting decent description of characters here. Most impressive. Full marks.

 

Slowly, and with some effort, he got up, feeling some irritation in his arm. As he got up, he got a backslap by the white-haired one.

 

"Great to see you're up, Sappy-face!" he grinned. Fredrik turned to him, remembering his behaviour slightly. "What's up, idiot? Why you staring?"

 

"F-Fenrir?" Fredrik gasped. The white-haired boy smirked.

 

Wait a minute. I, the jerk, am male!Rei, and it's actually not me but some git named Fenrir? THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER.

 

"Heh, you're not as idiotic as you look." he grinned.

 

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!" Fredrik was instantly insulted,

 

When Fredrik gets called an idiot and responds like that, we can't tell he's insulted unless the narration says so.

 

and charged at the boy. He just side-stepped, and tripped him.

 

"Sheesh, you're really an idiot..." he sighed. "My real name's Quint, btw."

 

When Fredrik wakes up in an unfamiliar location, Quint slaps him, insults him, trips him, and then insults him again. The power of friendship is even weaker than I had expected.

 

"Q-Quint?" Fredrik said, getting up and brushing off his clothes. He suddenly saw they had changed. He was now dressed in a black armor with gold lines forming small "platforms" of the black armor,

 

I'm trying to interpret what this "platforms" comment means. Does it just mean the gold lines are short and horizontal?

 

and he had nothing but a red scarf, a red bandana, and black jeans on him, accompanied with a pair of black navy-boots.

 

And now the cute Swedish bishonen gets a shirtless scene. THIS IS THE BEST STORY EVER. But what's the point of wearing jeans and armour at the same time? Something there is wrong; either the jeans are redundant or he's not fully armoured.

 

His hair was spiky and black as well, hanging slightly over his green eyes. "W-What the hell?"

 

That was my reaction too when I found out that the cute Swedish bishonen had his hair and such changed and was thus probably no longer a cute Swedish bishonen when he got his shirtless scene. THIS IS THE WORST STORY EVER.

 

"Ok, Fred, here's the deal; We're in GOD knows where, and all you care about is your clothes?

 

Um, his hair changed too, along presumably with the rest of his body. I think having one's entire body that one has lived with all one's life changed might be more shocking than having one's location changed.

 

Am I correct?" Quint stated.

 

It may be unfair to pick on AR's grammar, but the use of the word "stated" in Foe Fics seems to have a curious trend of invariably being used to describe someone asking a question. Following almost any declarative sentence, it would be grammatically correct (though it could still sound rather awkward if the sentence it follows is meant to be at all impassioned due to its more flat connotation, but it seems like stories on YCM invariably have it only in the one exact position where it doesn't work, i.e. following a question. Why is this exact misuse so consistent?

 

Fredrik looked annoyed at this.

 

By this point, you really shouldn't need to tell us that Fredrik is annoyed by the antics of this idiot who astoundingly seems to be his best friend. Even if it were necessary, it would still make even less sense to say that he "looked" annoyed, since this story is told from Fredrik's perspective, and Fredrik feels his own emotions instead of reading them on his face.

 

"Hmph. At least I'm not Cpt. Insult." he snarled.

 

"Please, Fred. That was just jokes." Quint sighed.

 

Stop.

 

Look, I know you're doing better than YCM's usual fare already, AR. I know English isn't your first language but that you're double-proofreading the story and thus producing something written better than most of the rest of this forum, and while the result is usually good and the effort is exemplary, there's only so far that will take you.

 

I know you're trying your hardest, but you're still including lines like "That was just jokes" - and, possibly more critically, you're including other things like using "Cpt. Insult" as an insult. Since I am, of course, The Professor Young Boy, I both was a schoolboy recently and teach in school today, so I can tell you with full confidence that calling someone "Cpt. Insult" would get you laughed off the elementary school playground for being so lame, and elementary school playground insults are already pretty lame.

 

Proofreading is definitely good, but with English being your second language it just isn't enough. What you really need to do is this: find someone else whose first language IS English to act as a proofreader and editor for you to prevent this sort of problem.

 

The brown-haired one was now standing beside Fredrik, smiling.

 

"Hey, Fred. Guess who I am?" he smiled. Fredrik looked a bit at him, then smiled.

 

"Kevin, huh?" he smirked.

 

That's not Kevin. Kevin would have said something more like, "Hey, Fred. Guess who I am-desu?"

 

"Yep. Nice to see ya like this, pal." Kevin said cheerfully.

 

"Damn, those fucktards are slow-minded..." Quint muttered. The black-haired heard this.

 

Look, Quint, this is the first decent friendship scene in this story, so don't you dare-

 

"They are not slow-minded, they are just choosing to act like this because in that way, they identify themselves as friend." he stated.

 

...this guy is now my favourite character.

 

"Shut up, Brainiac..." Quint snarled. "I don't need your expertise in Idiothology 101." Nexev seemed to be somewhat disturbed by Quint's arrogance, but shrugged and went up to Fredrik and Kevin.

 

"Now, I think you know who I am?" he implied,

 

Another good example of why you need a native speaker as your proofreader/editor.

 

and Fredrik nodded.

 

"Nice to see you in person, Nexev." he said. Nexev smirked slighty, nodding to show Fredrik his respect.

 

The introduction of these characters has certainly introduced them decently, though we still don't know much about them beyond single one-dimensional features (which is still head and shoulders above most Foe Fics), but it also feels very formulaic.

 

The three characters are described in order. Then we have a scene where we meet Quint; then we have a scene where we meet Kevin-kun; then we have a scene where we meet Nexev, all introduced in the same order they were originally described. And until a character's introduction scene, that character doesn't say or do anything at all. While Quint is being introduced, the other two - who are supposed to be nicer and more approving of Fredrik, and who one would expect to intervene during Quint's antics. It works, but it feels very stiff, as if these aren't characters we're watching but actors going through the motions.

 

"Ah, I see we're all here..." a voice boomed, and all turned to the source of the voice. A person, shrouded in darkness,

 

Get your glasses out, everyone, because it's another shadowy figure, and that means it's drinking time.

 

stood in front of them. Everyone were sorta shocked, but Quint looked just normal.

 

"Who are you then?" Nexev asked.

 

Seems like a sensible question.

 

"Me?" the figure chuckled in a way that made Fredrik's blood freeze to ice, but Quint just shuddered slightly. "I am nothing...but pure darkness.

 

Yup, quite a shadowy figure.

 

I am a kid that could have been saved...but I was forced into the agony and loneliness of a paper box

 

See, I told you friendship was important. This is what happens to you when you're lonely.

 

...all alone...all pain...

 

it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

 

and now, I want to unleash the same pain on all those that didn't save me.

 

Wait, you mean the shadowy figure made of pure darkness might not be here to hand out cookies!?

 

But there is an obstacle in my plans, and that is a union called The Union of Justice; A group of pestering little runts and a Kitsune of some sort that fights for what they call 'Good'. But I ask you, what is there for 'good' in this world? Was it the 'good' that put me in that box? Was it the 'good' that ignored me and totally shunned me from reality, making my mind a twisted place for the dead and unborn? No. If that is the good, then I say, we will eliminate what's good..."

 

Protip: If you want to get sympathy, don't say, "They may be good, but good is evil!" - just say, "They're evil!"

 

somehow, the melancholy of the voice and the shaded shape of a heart tipped Fredrik off on who it was, and he took a deep breath before asking;

 

"B-Broken?"

 

Everyone looked at Fredrik, then back at the shaded figure. He merely chuckled.

 

"Yes, Kuja...I am Broken. How clever of you to find it out.

 

Kuja? Broken? Did I miss something important by kinda sorta skipping the entire first book, or are we supposed to be confused? Did Fredrik previously have some form of controlled amnesia that he just managed to shake off without having such an event indicated in the narrative that is being told from Fredrik's perspective? If so, I am very disappointed.

 

Didn't I tell you that you have to search for answers yourself? Well, now you did just that, and I am proud.

 

You said nothing of the sort, and he didn't search for anything; he just pulled your identity out of nowhere. Skipping Book 1 was probably not the best of ideas here.

 

However...we still need some soldiers for our ranks...so I will give you the opportunity to recruit whatever you want from these..." he snapped his fingers, and two portals opened. Quint and Fredrik smirked. They both knew which creatures they would bring out;

 

Wait, our protagonists are on Evil Shadow Guy's side?

 

"Nnoitra! Zommari! Edorad! Avirama! Gantenbainne! Cirucci! Findor!" shouted Fredrik, and seven strangely attired and dressed human-looking creatures appeared from his portal.

 

"Heh, n00b." Quint smirked. "Grimmjow! Lilynette! Yylford! Coyote! Ggio! Panini! Ulquiorra!" he shouted, and seven others appeared. One of them, having a weird moustache and a gentleman-ish look, had a vein almost popping in his forehead.

 

I recognize a couple of these guys from TVTropes as being Bleach characters, but I also know TVTropes well enough that you either chose only the most obscure fourteen characters from Bleach in existence or are pulling characters from different series, so that cements this as being some sort of crossover - but I really don't know anything about these fourteen.

 

Anyhow, I'm going to end the review here, since we're getting to the point where skipping both Book 1 and Chapter Plot has left me with no idea what's going on, and since Book 1 is a reasonable prerequisite for Book 2, it's not the author's fault that I am unable to follow the story, which means that my confusion isn't even decent material for reviewing.

 

What I saw was neither particularly impressive nor particularly unimpressive. On one hand, the writing was above-average for YCM despite the language problem, the three side characters were given decent description, and the plot is quite possibly pretty good, despite this being a crossover, though I wasn't able to follow it for long enough to confirm that.

 

On the other hand, the protagonist was rather too much of a YCM-loser avatar for my taste, the strange world saw astoundingly little description (especially in the light of Quint's comment that it should be what amazes Fredrik the most), the introduction of the three friends felt horribly formulaic, and "Guy gets sucked into strange world and meets shadowy evil guy" is about as generic a premise as you can get, though the fact that our hero seems to be working for them or something is interesting, I guess. Having him Summon a bunch of guys from different series is an awfully clunky way to create the crossover, and Broken's story, depending on how it's developed, could end up being just plain stupid.

 

Overall, this is neither the best story ever nor the worst story ever. It's not too bad - as with Hopeless Paradise, it probably doesn't even deserve to be on Foe Fiction - but there are enough sufficiently-annoying problems that I also can't call it astonishingly good either. Maybe the plot eventually makes up for it, but the plot that I saw was fairly rudimentary - "Let's raise an army to defeat my enemies for revenge!" - and being a crossover gives this a lot of prerequisites beyond a simple "read the first book".

 

I really cannot emphasize enough how useful it would be for you to get help from a native speaker of English to make sure that you don't end up including gaffs that are understandable when translating to a foreign language but that look pathetic when actually read by a native speaker of said language. And then there's things like the "Cpt. Insult" line, where even a strong understanding of English won't help you realize that it just plain doesn't sound good. This would help improve the quality of your writing and-

 

Mmphh! Mm....... mmphh................................................. mm.........................................................

 

Izzy!

 

Izz- Mmphh! Mm....... mmphh................................................. mm.........................................................

 

What th-

 

*stab*

 

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes!

 

You... Izzy........ Crab... wake... up.... why...??? ... I... don't........ I............... am........................ too.............. you.................. ........ ng......... t......... o......... d......... i....... e...............................................................

 

Splendid, splendid! You can come in now, my minion! The unrealistically fast-acting chloroform knocked this Crab and Izzy out easily, and The Professor Young Boy doesn't seem to be able to survive knives in the stomach. My invisibility may be wearing off now - curse my inconsistent abilities! - but that's fine, since I have already won.

 

Come, my minion, and tie up these two sleepers! Foe Fiction is mine!

[.:Abarai Renji:.]

Lol, thanks for the review, Crab. ;)