.Lost Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 [spoiler="black box" dont have a better name, but im trying to come up with something much more creepier, lol originality]I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. The buzzing and constant flashing lights appeared as if there was a UFO outside of my window, and I could finally get out of earth. This place is so depressing, so unusual nowadays. But there wasn’t time for that right now. My father was calling. “Hey there John, are you awake?” He said.“Great. I’ve got something for you to do.” He said.“I know you’re not really up to it right now, but it’s very important.”“Good. Go get your keys, and drive to the bank. Go get my safety deposit box. The PIN is 0036. Remember; don’t open what’s in it. Just get the little package in there.” I got up and made myself a batch of Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, mixed with a little chocolate milk, because that’s how I do what I do. No need in changing what has always happened, in my opinion. I grabbed my plastic keys and jumped into my Camry. It’s just a piece of scrap metal on wheels, with a little fake green spray paint and some fake ass lights. Drove out of my cracked black driveway, almost hitting a cat and tripping another car alarm, but I didn’t, because I’m actually a good driver. Our driveway is just too small, and too tiny for a couple cars to park and stay for the night, obstructing the driveway and all of its inhabitants. But that’s the common thought for a daily person, work for self, live for self, eat for self, take up space in the road for self, because self is just too lazy to park it on self’s actual driveway. I drove to the bank, and each time a red light came, I sort of felt like I had just been denied. That’s another thing, this world is such a shithole that everyone has to deny you, right? Can’t you just keep your own opinion without someone else pushing yours away and shoving theirs in your face? But I guess not, because apparently denial is another common thought in a daily person’s life, and I guess I’m to shy to deny them back. Revenge’s a jabroni, right? Getting out of my car and onto the bank, I felt something soft and mushy under my shoe. I stepped away and found that there was a little ant there, struggling for life. I didn’t really care much, so I went inside. I looked over the little plastic desk that they have, and looked at the short attendant under there. To her, I was the freaking Eiffel Tower, she was so short. “Need something sir?” She said.I told her about the safety deposit box.“Oh ok, step over here please.” She replied.“Now sir, please enter the PIN to your box, and then you can bring it over here to this desk to examine its contents.” I walked over to what looked like at least a three foot thick door. Looked powerful and mighty, like a plastic dragon, and compared to the people in this town, it’s probably their own version of the Great Wall of China. There was a little key pad that was lodged into the door, and it said “Ready to receive PIN”. That’s how it works in this place. First you enter your PIN into a little fail machine, and then you get the actual key to your box. The attendant locks you in there as well, so you have to press a button on the inside for her to come and open up the door. She’ll have her hand on this red button to the right of the door, just in case you come outside with a gun and a million dollars in gold and jewelry and sheet. I entered the PIN and went in. It was really cold and freezing. I thought that my freaking hairs on my chin would come off. I went over to the box. I’m not telling you what the number was, because that would be lying. Haha. But I went and opened it up with the little key that the short attendant gave me. There was a big black box in there, looking as if it was pushed in fast and closed so that it would be protected. Nothing in this world is protected. Nothing; and you can’t stop that. No one can. I picked up the black box, and decided that if my dad said not to open it, I shouldn’t. So I put the safety deposit box away and slid the black one into my backpack that I was carrying. Yeah, I forgot to tell you that. I always have my backpack on me, cause it has my needs just in case I end up on the curb with someone in my car, speeding away or something. It normally carries a good bunch of things, like a couple knives and lighters and stuff. Matches, flashlights, a couple dollars, maybe some food tickets, etc. Anything needed to survive may be in there. But I stuffed the black box in there, and I don’t know what’s in it. Could be a bomb. Could be a million dollars. Could be free tickets to the Jonas Brother’s concert. What did matter was that I was finally going home. Finally, back to my bed. In my opinion, sleep is the most productive thing in the world, because you’re finally getting what you want, spending time in the places you want to be. Being with who you want to, for the time you have to sleep. It’s a peaceful place, your bed. It’s a place of salvation, a place of serenity. It’s a place that will always be yours, and no one else can change that. I exited the bank, and gave the key back to that short ass attendant. She gave me a high, squeaky “Thank you!” and went back to her towering desk. I jumped back into the car, and brought out the box again. Didn’t know what was in it. Probably wont find out, either, but you never know. Thoughts? Comments? not done btw, and its just a thing i did for Freshman comp. Please read it, or dont actually post. You'll be reported for spam, unless its funneh. ;P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeREVOLUTION Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 Wait...what is this supposed to be? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poseidon© Posted October 20, 2009 Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 They allow you to swear? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Lost Posted October 20, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 20, 2009 Wait...what is this supposed to be? A short story. They allow you to swear? Yep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milk-Chan Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 Twas pretty good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muluck Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I would suggest that you not talk like a 13 year old in your story. "I thought my freaking hairs on my chin"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted October 21, 2009 Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. The buzzing and constant flashing lights appeared as if there was a UFO outside of my window, and I could finally get out of earth. awkward sentence is awkward. This place is so depressing, so unusual nowadays. But there wasn’t time for that right now. My father was calling. Pick a tense. Stick with it. “Hey there John, are you awake?” He said.Hi, I'm the dad, I don't wait for my children to respond to questions.“Great. I’ve got something for you to do.” He said, “I know you’re not really up to it right now, but it’s very important.”Seriously, am I missing part of the text here?“Good. Go get your keys, and drive to the bank. Go get my safety deposit box. The PIN is 0036. Remember; don’t open what’s in it. Just get the little package in there.”INB4PANDORA'SBOX I got up and made myself a batch of Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee, mixed with a little chocolate milk, because that’s how I do what I do. No need in changing to change what has always happened, in my opinion. I grabbed my plastic keys and jumped into my Camry. It’s just a piece of scrap metal on wheels, with a little fake green spray paint and some fake ass lights. Fake spray paint as opposed to real spray paint....and a plastic key? What is this, a TYCO toy? Drove out of my cracked black driveway, almost hitting a cat and tripping another car alarm, but I didn’t, because I’m actually a good driver. Our driveway is just too small, and too tiny for a couple cars to park and stay for the night, obstructing the driveway and all of its inhabitants. But that’s the common thought for a daily person, work for self, live for self, eat for self, take up space in the road for self, because self is just too lazy to park it on self’s actual driveway. I drove to the bank, and each time a red light came, I sort of felt like I had just been denied. That’s another thing, this world is such a shithole that everyone has to deny you, right? Can’t you just keep your own opinion without someone else pushing yours away and shoving theirs in your face? But I guess not, because apparently denial is another common thought in a daily person’s life, and I guess I’m to shy to deny them back. Revenge’s a b****, right? Getting out of my car and into the bank, I felt something soft and mushy under my shoe. I stepped away and found that there was a little ant there, struggling for life. Because he has super sensitive feet, and can feel when he steps on an ant. I didn’t really care much, so I went inside. This makes the entire 'ant' section completely irrelevant. I looked over the little plastic desk that they have, and looked at the short attendant under there. To her, I was the freaking Eiffel Tower, she was so short. “Need something sir?” She saidasked.I told her about the safety deposit box.“Oh ok, step over here please.” She replied.“Now sir, please enter the PIN to your box, and then you can bring it over here to this desk to examine its contents.” I walked over to what looked like at least a three foot thick door. Looked powerful and mighty, like a plastic dragon, and compared to the people in this town, it’s probably their own version of the Great Wall of China. There was a little key pad that was lodged into the door, and it said “Ready to receive PIN”. That’s how it works in this place. First you enter your PIN into a little fail machine, and then you get the actual key to your box. The attendant locks you in there as well, so you have to press a button on the inside for her to come and open up the door. She’ll have her hand on this red button to the right of the door, just in case you come outside with a gun and a million dollars in gold and jewelry and s***. I entered the PIN and went in. It was really cold and freezing. Isn't redundancy fun and fun? I thought that my freaking hairs on my chin would come off. I went over to the box. I’m not telling you what the number was, because that would be lying. Haha. But I went and opened it up with the little key that the short attendant gave me. There was a big black box in there, looking as if it was pushed in fast and closed so that it would be protected. Nothing in this world is protected. Nothing; HOORAY FOR IMPROPER USE OF A SEMICOLON! and you can’t stop that. No one can. I picked up the black box, and decided that if my dad said not to open it, I shouldn’t. So I put the safety deposit box away and slid the black one into my backpack that I was carrying. Yeah, I forgot to tell you that. I always have my backpack on me, cause it has my needs just in case I end up on the curb with someone in my car, speeding away or something. It normally carries a good bunch of things, like a couple knives and lighters and stuff. Matches, flashlights, a couple dollars, maybe some food tickets, etc. Anything needed to survive may be in there. But I stuffed the black box in there, and I don’t know what’s in it. Could be a bomb. Could be a million dollars. Could be free tickets to the Jonas Brother’s concert. What did matter was that I was finally going home. Finally, back to my bed. In my opinion, sleep is the most productive thing in the world, because you’re finally getting what you want, spending time in the places you want to be. Being with who you want to, for the time you have to sleep. It’s a peaceful place, your bed. It’s a place of salvation, a place of serenity. It’s a place that will always be yours, and no one else can change that. Best paragraph I've read so far. I exited the bank, and gave the key back to that short ass attendant. She gave me a high, squeaky “Thank you!” and went back to her towering desk. I jumped back into the car, and brought out the box again. Didn’t know what was in it. Probably wont find out, either, but you never know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Lost Posted October 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 21, 2009 I would suggest that you not talk like a 13 year old in your story. "I thought my freaking hairs on my chin"? I'll take your critique into consideration. Thank you sir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muluck Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 I would suggest that you not talk like a 13 year old in your story. "I thought my freaking hairs on my chin"? I'll take your critique into consideration. Thank you sir. I say that because anyone can write a book using their own dialect. But not many can write something that speaks towards everyone. Meaning everyone can understand the dialect while at the same time not being thrown off by either too much ignorance or too little too little education. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doomboi Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 tl;drWhat was in the box? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maliki Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 i loled ridiculously Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mehmani Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 What was in the box? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Lost Posted October 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 I would suggest that you not talk like a 13 year old in your story. "I thought my freaking hairs on my chin"? I'll take your critique into consideration. Thank you sir. I say that because anyone can write a book using their own dialect. But not many can write something that speaks towards everyone. Meaning everyone can understand the dialect while at the same time not being thrown off by either too much ignorance or too little too little education. I actually agree. I'll try to change it' date=' thanks. i loled ridiculously Really?! I, a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all baka laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo What was in the box? Ended up being his own death certificate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maliki Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 I would suggest that you not talk like a 13 year old in your story. "I thought my freaking hairs on my chin"? I'll take your critique into consideration. Thank you sir. I say that because anyone can write a book using their own dialect. But not many can write something that speaks towards everyone. Meaning everyone can understand the dialect while at the same time not being thrown off by either too much ignorance or too little too little education. I actually agree. I'll try to change it' date=' thanks. i loled ridiculously Really?! I, a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo What was in the box? Ended up being his own death certificate. :shock: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HORUS Posted October 22, 2009 Report Share Posted October 22, 2009 Quite awful, to be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Lost Posted October 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 Quite awful' date=' to be honest.[/quote'] Yeah, thats what i was thinking when i read over it. The oddness and idea is just terrible, aswell as the tone. Grammar could use some touch ups and seriously, the idea sucks hard dickk. OMGAKITTY's and Muluck's critisms are really helpful. I finished it and touched it up a notch, and now its in the hand's of my Freshman comp teach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muluck Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 i loled ridiculously Really?! I' date=' a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo [/quote'] .Lost everyone is allowed to have his or her opinion. To react like that is completely over the top and not neccessary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.Lost Posted October 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 i loled ridiculously Really?! I' date=' a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo [/quote'] .Lost everyone is allowed to have his or her opinion. To react like that is completely over the top and not neccessary. haha, dude me and this kid go back a long way. Me and him used to be part of the Battle for the Belt, which was like at least half a year back. He was a total ass then, he's still one now. And plus, this story wasnt supposed to be funny. If he thought it was funny, then he's even more of an ass. Btw, are you muslim? =o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muluck Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 i loled ridiculously Really?! I' date=' a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo [/quote'] .Lost everyone is allowed to have his or her opinion. To react like that is completely over the top and not neccessary. haha, dude me and this kid go back a long way. Me and him used to be part of the Battle for the Belt, which was like at least half a year back. He was a total ass then, he's still one now. And plus, this story wasnt supposed to be funny. If he thought it was funny, then he's even more of an ass. Btw, are you muslim? =o No. :lol: I am not a muslim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maliki Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 i loled ridiculously Really?! I' date=' a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo [/quote'] .Lost everyone is allowed to have his or her opinion. To react like that is completely over the top and not neccessary. haha, dude me and this kid go back a long way. Me and him used to be part of the Battle for the Belt, which was like at least half a year back. He was a total ass then, he's still one now. And plus, this story wasnt supposed to be funny. If he thought it was funny, then he's even more of an ass. Btw, are you muslim? =o How were you in battle for the belt, you werent even a member then Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OMGAKITTY Posted October 23, 2009 Report Share Posted October 23, 2009 i loled ridiculously Really?! I' date=' a 2 star member made a 5 star member laugh?! I, made the king of all f*****s laugh? Wow! IM SO HAPPY! So tell me maliki, wheres your hoe dog king? Your both equal asses imo [/quote'] .Lost everyone is allowed to have his or her opinion. To react like that is completely over the top and not neccessary. haha, dude me and this kid go back a long way. Me and him used to be part of the Battle for the Belt, which was like at least half a year back. He was a total ass then, he's still one now. And plus, this story wasnt supposed to be funny. If he thought it was funny, then he's even more of an ass. Btw, are you muslim? =o How were you in battle for the belt, you werent even a member then Its impossible to create a new account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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