My First Poem...

[Yankee]

Right, this is my very first poem. I've never even tried to write one before, so...try not to be cruel..?

 

[align=center][spoiler=The Poems of Love]

 

Are they just simply words of false hope,

leaving my heart broken and torn

teasing my heart with what they show,

only leading me to cry and mope,

Until I finally quiet down and mourn?

 

Or is it something more?

Is it something that I feel?

Is it something the reaches the core,

of the soul and be there for,

the time that I open my seal?

 

The sad truth is,

that it is both of these,

That causes me to miss,

and causes me to press,

for a taste of those birds and bees

 

So strange, so mean.

This feeling of love,

So red, so green,

So pretty to be seen.

Too beautiful to stop, so I must.

[/align]

 

 

 

 

So, uh...Yea, I really tried on this,

Hope you like...?

*expects trolls*

*sigh*

 

Cheers,

Yankeefan ^_\\\

[Xazeon]

For once in my life, I think I actually like a poem.

[~Wright~]

I'm no expert on poetry, but from what I know, that was great. Congratulations.

 

Off topic: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

[Yankee]

For once in my life' date=' I think I actually like a poem.

[/quote']

 

I'm no expert on poetry' date=' but from what I know, that was great. Congratulations.

 

Off topic: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

[/quote']

 

...Thanks...^_\\\

[~Wright~]

For once in my life' date=' I think I actually like a poem.

[/quote']

 

I'm no expert on poetry' date=' but from what I know, that was great. Congratulations.

 

Off topic: Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.

[/quote']

 

...Thanks...^_\\\

 

No problem dude. :)

[supersonic4ever]

That was pretty good!

[Dissonance]

I generally dislike angsty sounding teen poetry because it usually sucks. I generally dislike commenting on poetry at all, since there are no set rules for poetry, if you call it a poem, it's a motherfucking poem.

 

I thought the first two stanzas actually had a purpose behind them, but you kind of lost track on the last two and started rhyming for the sake of it.

/personalopinion

[Dark]

YCM isn't a poetry site. ^_____^

 

The sad truth is,

that it is both of these,

That causes me to miss,

and causes me to press,

for a taste of those birds and bees

 

As will all poems, I sing 'em out loud. And that stanza (in its entirety) sounded awful, no offense. First problem is to change both of the 'causes' to 'cause'. I could care less which is grammatically right, but it'll sound better. And the wording-syllable structure makes it sound choppy. I'm not entirely sure how to sing it, or even how to say it without it sounding like I'm missing a syllable or adding an extra.

[Yankee]

I generally dislike angsty sounding teen poetry because it usually sucks. I generally dislike commenting on poetry at all' date=' since there are no set rules for poetry, if you call it a poem, it's a motherfucking poem.

 

I thought the first two stanzas actually had a purpose behind them, but you kind of lost track on the last two and started rhyming for the sake of it.

/personalopinion

[/quote']

 

Nah, I guess I just picked some wierd words...

 

YCM isn't a poetry site. ^_____^

 

The sad truth is' date='

that it is both of these,

That causes me to miss,

and causes me to press,

for a taste of those birds and bees[/i']

 

As will all poems, I sing 'em out loud. And that stanza (in its entirety) sounded awful, no offense. First problem is to change both of the 'causes' to 'cause'. I could care less which is grammatically right, but it'll sound better. And the wording-syllable structure makes it sound choppy. I'm not entirely sure how to sing it, or even how to say it without it sounding like I'm missing a syllable or adding an extra.

 

*sigh*

I guess you're right

[Dark]

If it's any consolation, I have some positive comments.

 

So strange, so mean.

This feeling of love,

So red, so green,

So pretty to be seen.

Too beautiful to stop, so I must.

 

I normally hate love poems (and love songs that are corny, for that matter), but this stanza really struck out to me. I like it. <3

[Yankee]

If it's any consolation' date=' I have some positive comments.

 

[i']So strange, so mean.

This feeling of love,

So red, so green,

So pretty to be seen.

Too beautiful to stop, so I must.[/i]

 

I normally hate love poems (and love songs that are corny, for that matter), but this stanza really struck out to me. I like it. <3

 

Thanks.

Glad I can do some things on it right...lol

^_\\\

[Instinct]

It's pretty good, I like how it started, towards the end it seemed a bit lacking in creativity in my personal opinion but that's how it usually is at the start ^^

[Yankee]

Wow, you're back instinct? =D

 

Thanks brah ^_\\\

[Yankee]

Bump...?

[~/Coolio Prime\~]

The rhyming gave it an overall gimmicky feel to an already gimmicky concept. Rhyme schemes have to be really subtle to work in such pieces, and it was too obvious here. The entire concept is rather overdone and I could essentially predict the whole piece, but the basics were decent.

[Ea...Lord of the Depths]

Okay, really. The first stanza was appallingly hackneyed. Can't teenagers talk about anything besides their torn hearts? Gahd.

[Zimiri of the Muse]

i like it alot Yankee