~/Coolio Prime\~ Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 the endless abyssi jump in in in in in in in in inmy heard is is is is is is swirling like a washing machinedeath by fire Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Get rid of the 'is' in the third line. Other than that, I love it. <3 ur a gud poat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~/Coolio Prime\~ Posted March 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 Get rid of the 'is' in the third line. Other than that' date=' I love it. <3 ur a gud poat[/quote'] ok i foxed it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dark Posted March 20, 2010 Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 That's a little bit better, but change 'jump' in the second line to 'jumpededid', to match the syllable count. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~/Coolio Prime\~ Posted March 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2010 dun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clair Posted March 21, 2010 Report Share Posted March 21, 2010 This poem is so deep. Good work. ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ea...Lord of the Depths Posted March 21, 2010 Report Share Posted March 21, 2010 Swirling like a toilet is a crude and unappealing metaphor, but otherwise I found the poem interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~/Coolio Prime\~ Posted March 21, 2010 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2010 ok thx foxed it some more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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