Another Poem

[Yankee]

Haters and "This was last years fad" people, leave now.

I am simply not in the mood right now.

Trust me.

I'd normally talk to Icy, but I'm not exactly a friend of his, as I found out recently.

Nuff said about that. (No, that is NOT the problem I am having.)

 

Anyway,

I wrote another poem. From what I have been told, it is not bad.

I personally don't care too much "rates", I wrote this because I felt it. That is all. I just want some opinions on it I guess.

 

So, here ya go:

 

[align=center][spoiler=My Love's Wind]

The wind cries for her voice,

it yearns for her touch.

It calls for her once, and it calls for her twice,

But still her beutiful hand, it cannot clutch

 

Her voice has long since drifted away

Into the Earth that she gave her heart.

Even still, the wind calls her name,

it still searches for that wounderful work of art.

 

Soon enough, the wind will learn

That the one it loves is gone.

Until that day, it will continue to yearn,

and search for its only one.

 

 

 

[spoiler=Is There Anything More Ugly Than A Rose?]

Is there any flower more ugly than a rose?

They just grow, and grow, and grow,

As if they are the ones that the world had chose

To be the one that shined for those

Not looking at that wicked crow.

 

That black death that surrounds us all,

Waiting to show its power.

Making us slow to a crawl,

Until we finally fall

In front of loves black tower.

 

And as the world continues to move, the rest of us complain

For we are the ones that sit by the coast

That watch the waves, and dream of a different today.

For those of us, the question remains,

Is there any flower more ugly than a rose?

 

[/align]

 

Thank you for looking,

I at least hope it's not horrible.

 

Cheers,

Yankeefan

[Dark]

1.) I hate the poem.

2.) This fad was so last year.

3.) I'm rating it anyways. ;D

 

Constructive criticism always makes you get better, especially when it's coming from (psuedo)professionals. Even if you disagree with everything I say, at least read it. Don't take it to heart.

 

Honestly, the rhyming in the first two stanzas was excellent. It flowed really well, it sounded pretty good outloud (or at least the rhyming part), but you kind of cut it off on a short note with the last stanza. Surely you could make the words 'gone' and 'one' somehow rhyme? Normally I don't care, but 66% of your poem is following ABCB. Shouldn't the other 33% follow it, too?

 

The actual meaning of the poem was nice. I don't like love poems all too much, but it was cute. <3

 

Her voice has long since drifted away

Into the Earth that she gave her heart.

Even still, the wind calls her name,

it still searches for that wounderful work of art.

 

Sing that out loud, first.

 

Second and fourth lines are off on syllable count. You'd need to speed up (or choppify) the last line for it to work, and it doesn't sound that good, imo.

 

Overall, I really, really like it. A few problems here and there, but it's good.

[Yankee]

Thanks I guess.

I'm never gonna be great at this. I try.

Thanks.

[Dark]

When I write a poem, I think of a theme first.

 

Afterwards, I decide how I want to write it (rhymes, no rhymes, 4-line stanza, 6-line, song, actual poam, et cetera).

 

And make sure to sing your poem instead of talking it. Talking makes it sound better than it really is, because you can manipulate the syllables better. Singing gives you a define path, and you'll notice any errors. The downside is it usually sounds bad if it doesn't rhyme. But you'll overcome that with experience.

 

You aren't a bad poet by any means. I am harsher on the better poems I see, because those people have more potential.

[Yankee]

Yay. Thank you.

I just like to write what I feel, and it kinda just follows after that. I put no real THOUGHT into it.

 

Sad, and bad, I know.

[Dark]

If that's your style of poetry, go with it. Poetry isn't like math; there are infinite correct answers for anything you do. So long as you don't make up random, useless, pointless, worthless bullshit. :D

 

And as for singing a poem, talk the poem as if you were singing a song. Or acting in a musical.

[Yankee]

Okay, that works.

 

And, the actual style I tend to use it ABAAB, but I'll change every so often.

 

 

EDIT: 2nd poem added. Wrote it yesterday as well.

[Dark]

For the new poem...

 

First Stanza: I really like the theme you are bringing into the poem. I actually haven't seen this type of poem before (based on the topic of a rose, at least), so it's a twist. The only problem I have is the rhyming. It seems like you are trying too hard to rhyme your first stanza. You don't need to follow your basic ABAAB pattern. Non-rhyming poems are just as good as rhyming ones. And the problem starts because it feels like you are forcing yourself to make a rhyme word when it doesn't work. I'm mainly hinting at the last two lines. You can change your orientation of rhymed words, or destroy it altogether. Your choice.

 

Second Stanza: Love's should have that apostrophe. But other than that, I love it. Change anything and I burn your house.

 

Third Stanza: Like the circular motion of first/last line of the poem being the same. While syllable count is less important in a 5-lined poem, it still makes a difference. After I sang it a few times, you might want to check your syllables and add/delete words as necessary. The other problem is that each line in the stanza seems like it's own sentence. You need to either pack it into one run-on sentence (yes, bad grammar is rewarded) or string it with some main theme.

 

Remember, I criticize better poems more harshly.

[Yankee]

Bump?

[Rusty Shovel]

I'm not going to go anywhere near that amount of detail:

 

I like 'em.

[Yankee]

Thank you..lol