Song I wrote<3

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

need comments please and a poetry/lyrics section

 

[align=center]A broken heart, you left me hurt

you held me in your arms

you loved me, you kissed me

my voice can't be heard now

 

I'm lost in the night

I can get through

I'm struggling to find my light

 

My screams of pain left unheard

this stinging pain, my hope has been slain

why don't you just kill me?

just kill me right now?

 

I'm lost in the night

I can't get through

I'm struggling to find my light

 

But then she came

a gorgeous light

his light shone through my soul

he reached deep into the night

grasped my heart and never let go

 

You love me

you kiss me

let's go right now

 

the story's done

the curtain's closed

you helped me up

I see the truth in the light

You are my true love

I know that I am right

Let us spend life together forever right now[/align]

[Cloister]

God, what a sad song... Very good though. Don't like that you used the word "Light" so many times... But still very good.

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

God' date=' what a sad song... Very good though. Don't like that you used the word "Light" so many times... But still very good.

[/quote']

 

Well I used to be a in girl on girl relationship so I just edited to be more Christian. Anyway I like using the word Light but yes I use it too much

[六兆年と一夜物語]

Needs to rhyme more; the only rhyme I see is light and night.

 

The base and idea are cliched. There isn't anything that can make this song feel new.

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

Needs to rhyme more; the only rhyme I see is light and night.

 

The base and idea are cliched. There isn't anything that can make this song feel new.

 

Not all songs rhyme. Take this one for example

my favorite<3

[Cloister]

I still think it's very good.

 

But songs that have like 2 rhymes and no more are often, meh... A song should have 0 rhymes or everything rhyming, see what I mean?

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

I still think it's very good.

 

But songs that have like 2 rhymes and no more are often' date=' meh... A song should have 0 rhymes or everything rhyming, see what I mean?

[/quote']

 

yeah but I'm like e.e. cummings. I have my own style.

[Cloister]

It's good to have your own style and not copying others. =D

[Nnoitra Jiruga]

I kinda like it.

Now,I'm thinking,if I were to make a song on guitar that goes with this,how would it go?

[Cloister]

This actually inspired me to write a song, on piano though.

[Nnoitra Jiruga]

Now we need someone for some drums.

[Shocked]

Nice song ! I like it :]

[-SupernovA-]

I'd laugh if some famous person stole your lyrics.

 

Not at you of course. ;P

[Rusty Shovel]

Hmm.... pretty good. (Insert Hi-Five here)

[Code~Red]

God' date=' what a sad song... Very good though. Don't like that you used the word "Light" so many times... But still very good.

[/quote']

[BehindTheMask]

Doesn't bring anything new to an overused cliche.

 

1/10

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

Doesn't bring anything new to an overused cliche.

 

1/10

 

alright you write one. Let's see if you can do better. We can have a competition

[BehindTheMask]

Doesn't bring anything new to an overused cliche.

 

1/10

 

alright you write one. Let's see if you can do better. We can have a competition

 

You traded True Love for Fake Passion

And still, you are blind to reason

Forging unstable bonds, for popularity

You discard all those who care

To climb the pile of s***.

When will you realize?

When will you repent?

You will never be cleansed of this

If you're on your back for pleasure

Stand Tall, be thankful

I will never want you again.

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 2:

The emptyness you feel,

Can't be filled by men.

You only survive, because of your looks

And yet, you are dead inside.

Do you still say you have coldness?

Dignity and respect will warm you up

Yet you forgo the path of rightousness

You so foolishly claim you're on.

 

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 3:

Cling to your false idols

The idea that you special

Your fakeness is self evident

You carry a facade

of self importance

Yet you are blind to reality.

Jesus may love you

But no one ever will.

 

Off the top of my head.

 

QED

[Jesus]

Doesn't bring anything new to an overused cliche.

 

1/10

 

alright you write one. Let's see if you can do better. We can have a competition

 

You traded True Love for Fake Passion

And still' date=' you are blind to reason

Forging unstable bonds, for popularity

You discard all those who care

To climb the pile of s***.

When will you realize?

When will you repent?

You will never be cleansed of this

If you're on your back for pleasure

Stand Tall, be thankful

I will never want you again.

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 2:

The emptyness you feel,

Can't be filled by men.

You only survive, because of your looks

And yet, you are dead inside.

Do you still say you have coldness?

Dignity and respect will warm you up

Yet you forgo the path of rightousness

You so foolishly claim you're on.

 

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 3:

Cling to your false idols

The idea that you special

Your fakeness is self evident

You carry a facade

of self importance

Yet you are blind to reality.

Jesus may love you

But no one ever will.

 

Off the top of my head.

 

QED

[/quote']

 

10/10. brb need to change pants.

[JadenxAtemYAOI]

Doesn't bring anything new to an overused cliche.

 

1/10

 

alright you write one. Let's see if you can do better. We can have a competition

 

You traded True Love for Fake Passion

And still' date=' you are blind to reason

Forging unstable bonds, for popularity

You discard all those who care

To climb the pile of s***.

When will you realize?

When will you repent?

You will never be cleansed of this

If you're on your back for pleasure

Stand Tall, be thankful

I will never want you again.

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 2:

The emptyness you feel,

Can't be filled by men.

You only survive, because of your looks

And yet, you are dead inside.

Do you still say you have coldness?

Dignity and respect will warm you up

Yet you forgo the path of rightousness

You so foolishly claim you're on.

 

 

Chorus:

Are you still hungover,

From the love he gave you

while you were on your knees?

Sin away, for you will never be

Free Again.

Free Again.

You will never be free.

You will never escape.

You will never be loved.

 

Verse 3:

Cling to your false idols

The idea that you special

Your fakeness is self evident

You carry a facade

of self importance

Yet you are blind to reality.

Jesus may love you

But no one ever will.

 

Off the top of my head.

 

QED

[/quote']

 

You used think that all I'd care about,

Was kissing you goodbye and playing with your hair,

But now I see,

There's another side to me,

One which I don't want you to see,

And now I'm not the same but maybe you need to find me.

 

Chorus:

I don't want to live forever,

I just want to be the last to know,

Don't want too many chances,

To not take the last train home,

Your tears inside of me,

I see,

The pictures,

I'm missing (oh oh oh),

Yeah I'm missing.

 

Walking down the old streets,

Staring at the sun going down each day,

And I know all I'll find is more disappointment,

I know what I'll find is not going to help my development,

I've changed so much,

Tried to run away from you,

But I still feel your touch.

 

Chorus:

I don't want to live forever,

I just want to be the last to know,

Don't want too many chances,

To not take the last train home,

Your tears inside of me,

I see,

The pictures,

I'm missing (oh oh oh),

Yeah I'm missing.

 

When I don't want to live forever,

That means my time's going to be up soon,

Oh this I know,

Can't get rid of us two together,

Need to find my way back home!

It's no use if I'm lost,

And you're crying too,

I'm making my way back to you.

 

Chorus:

I don't want to live forever,

I just want to be the last to know,

Don't want too many chances,

To not take the last train home,

Your tears inside of me,

I see,

The pictures,

I'm missing (oh oh oh),

Yeah I'm missing.

 

Oh oh oh,

No no,

I'm home,

Not missing, no more

 

Next is to be gothic poem. Lyrical or non-lyrical, that okay

[Zimiri of the Muse]

God' date=' what a sad song... Very good though. [s']Don't like that you used the word "Light" so many times... But still very good.

[Death Metal]

The lyrics are okay. I wouldn't listen to it, too emotional and mushy for my taste. At least they aren't horrible though.