Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Legacy

[Takashi125]

Ok... I've finally decided to bite the bullet and begin to write a fan fic... I'll admit right now I'm a complete amature, and I don't do this often but hell I'll give it a shot. I've only completed somewhat of a prologue. I would like some constructive criticism on my grammer and style of writing as I continue into chapter 1.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Legacy

 

Book one: Ark of Souls

 

[spoiler=Prologue]

It was a dark overcast night over the city of Domino. Down an empty street, not a single light was on in any window. Street lamps provided the only light. The sounds of running footsteps and frantic panting broke the silent air. A person darts in and out of the lights from the street lamps. It was a boy judging by height, around 15 years old. He wore a Domino High School uniform and equipped to his arm appeared to be a generic Battle City model duel disk. Fear was written all over his face as he continued down the disserted street, occasionally looking behind him. Something was chasing after him. Darting in and out of the light from the street lamps was a dark and menacing figure. It was dog-like with coal black fur, blood red eyes and saliva ridden razor sharp teeth and fangs that shined even through the near pitch blackness. The boy soon noticed it was gaining fast. “Damn it!” He swore with panic clear in his voice. He had to find a way to lose this monster. Just ahead he caught a glimpse of a narrow entrance to an old ally way between two five story apartments. He almost slipped as he made a sharp turn into the alley. The alley was like a maze with lots of turns and forks. Left, right, straight, he didn’t care which way he went just so long as it would throw off the beast. Finally exhaustion got the better of him as his sprint slowed to a walk. He comes to a small part of the alley was illuminated by an incandescent light mounted on the side of the building. He looks back to see if the beast was still chasing him. To his relief, it was nowhere to be found nor heard. The boy let out a light chuckle and sigh of relief under his panting.

 

“Thank goodness… I lost it…”

 

“You think…?” a deep voice echoes within the alley shooting a chill down the boy’s spine. His eyes widen with fear as he stops dead in his tracks. Out of the darkness before him, a tall dark male figure steps forth. He slowly walks toward to the boy allowing the yellow light to illuminate onto him: He was adorned in a burgundy priest robe with a large cape that covered his back and even his arms. A hood shrouded his face partially from sight; the light could only reveal his nose mouth and chin. “You can’t escape us that easily, boy.” He said. The boy started quaking with fear. “The ritual must continue…” with that, he lifted up his left arm out from within his cap to reveal a duel disk equipped; already activated with a monster card place on the board. A thick black mist manifests before him and the very same beast that was chasing the boy appeared from within. The position meter indicated the monster was in attack position and displayed its attack power. (Atk: 1800)

 

At that moment, the boy’s duel disk reacted to the cloaked mans duel disk however there is no monster on his side of the field. There life point indicator also activates and their life points are displayed.

 

Cloaked man: 3900

Student: 500

 

“Now then boy, resume your turn.” He ordered. The boy seemed to have accepted the fact he could not escape this mad man as he reached for the top of his deck. Perhaps he could draw something that could save him. With renewed hope, he rested his two fingers on the top card while trying to show a brave face toward his menacing opponent. He shut his eyes, mustered what little courage he could and ripped the card out from the top of his deck. “D… draw…!” He brings card up to his face to see what he drew: Blood Vorse, a monster whose attack power was just high enough to defeat his beast. “I… I summon Blood Vorse in attack position!” The boy declared, he sets the card onto his disk and a muscular beast-like muscular humanoid adorned in green purple and black plated armor and a helm with two horns on each side and one smaller horn sticking out in the front. He wields a short pole arm with a crescent blade. (ATK: 1900) “And now… I attack your monster!” upon the command, Blood Vorse grips his poll arm tightly and charges the beast. Once he came within striking distance, he lifts his pole arm above his head and brings it down onto the beast. It looked like it was going to be a successful blow, but just before the blade made contact, the beast turned into a black mist and the blade passes through. “What the hell!?” the boy exclaimed. However, the cloaked man’s life points did drop slightly.

 

(Cloaked man: 3800)

 

“Foolish boy…” He said. “You can’t possibly win with that strength. Now watch as your pathetic monster is devoured.” At that moment, the black mist envelopes and strangulates Blood Vorse and with a cry of agony, the beast-warrior shatters into pixels. The dark mist then reforms back into the beast without so much as a scratch. The boy having lost his only hope of escape drops to his knees. He stares wide eyed and fear stricken.

 

“I… I…”

 

“You finish your turn…” The man assumed. Seeing as he has no cards in his hand, the boy couldn’t possibly do anything. “Now I can finally finish this ritual.” He draws a card from his deck then thrusts his hand outward at the boy. “Go now my beast, end this!” He ordered. The beast obeys willingly and lets out a demonic roar and charges. The boy is apparently paralyzed with fear as he doesn’t bulge as the beat knocks him over and pins him to the ground. “Gwaa!!!” the boy cries as his life point’s drop to zero. Even though the duel was over and duel disks automatically shut off, the beast was still staring down at the boy with its blood red evil eyes; keeping him pinned to the ground. The man walks over and stares down at the frightful boy.

 

“Pease… please don’t hurt me!!!” the boy pleaded. The man scuffed. “Pathetic… do it my beast…” He commanded. The beast then morphs back into a shroud of black mist and envelopes the boy. “WHAT… WHAT IS THIS!!! HELP SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!” He cried as he struggles. It was futile for there was no one else to hear him let alone help. The boy was absorbed into the black mist and dissapears from sight. Having finished its work, the beast retreats back into its card the man held up in his hand. “This is only the beginning…” The man stated as he slid the card back under his robes then turned to walk out of the light and back into the darkness of the alley.

 

 

[Mahboi99]

Ok... I've finally decided to bite the bullet and begin to write a fan fic... I'll admit right now I'm a complete amature' date=' and I don't do this often but hell I'll give it a shot. I've only completed somewhat of a prologue. I would like some constructive criticism on my grammer and style of writing before I continue into chapter 1.

 

Yu-Gi-Oh! Dark Legacy

 

Book one: Ark of Souls

 

[spoiler=Prologue]

A dark and stormy night plagues the city of Domino. Lightning strikes and thunder roars as a heavy down pour drenches the city. No one in their right mind would be out in this hellish weather. But, truth be told, someone was. A boy, judging by looks, around 15 years old with black hair and a face pale with fear makes a mad dash down a deserted street. Completely drenched and heavy panting indicates that he had been running for quite some time now. Why in name of all that is holy is he out in this god forsaken storm? The answer was close behind him, and gaining. The lights from the street lamps illuminated a menacing creature chasing after him. It was dog-like and had coal black fur with blood red eyes and saliva ridden razor sharp teeth and fangs. The boy looked back and found to his horror, the beast was gaining. “Damn it!” He swore with panic clear in his voice. He had to find a way to lose this monster.

 

He came across an entrance to a narrow ally way. He took a chance and made a sharp turn into the ally, almost slipping. The ally was like a maze with lots of turns and forks. He didn’t care which way he went just so long as he was able to throw off the beast. Finally exhaustion got the better of him as his sprint slowed to a walk. He looks back to see if the beast was still chasing him. To his relief, it appeared it was not. The boy chuckled under his panting. “Thank god… I lost it…”

 

“You think…?” a voice comes out of nowhere. At that moment, a chill shot down his spine and he froze in place; his heart pounding out of his chest. Out of the darkness before him, a tall dark male figure stepped forth. He slowly walks toward to the boy revealing himself in the light of a wall mounted lamp: He was adorned in a burgundy priest robe with a hood over his head, concealing his face from sight. Only his mouth and chin could be made out. “You can’t escape us that easily, boy.” He said. The boy quaked with fear.

 

“H… hey… I gave you my rarest card! What more do you want!? Is it my deck…?” He quickly yanked his plastic deck box from his belt and tossed it to him, falling just short of the man’s feet. “Take it! I don’t care just leave me alone!!!” He cried. This man apparently had no interest in this boy’s cards for he proceeded to step on the deck box; breaking it open. He then kicked it into the air back at the boy. The cards went flying out of the broken deck box, scattering all over the soaked ground. “Wha… what the hell’s wrong with you!?” the boy panicked. “Aren’t you a Ghoul!?”

 

The man gave a pause before answering. “I’m no Ghoul…” he takes a card out from under his robe and tossed it into the air. The card hovered in mid air then gave off and dark purple aura. The aura around it grew then floated to the ground; taking form of the beast that had been chasing the boy before. The best glares directly into the boys light blue eyes as if it was staring into his soul. The boy’s eyes widened as he came to the horrific realization of the situation. He was going to kill him. “Please… no… don’t!!!”

 

The boy’s pleas fell on deaf ears as the man lifted his right arm and pointed at the boy. “Go my minion, devour his soul!” with that, the beast readied itself to pounce. The boy tries to make a break for it but was stopped immediately as a barrier of darkness blocked him off. “No please!!! somebody help me!!!” His cries for help were muffled by deafening thunder as the beast charged him. Just before the beast made contact, the veil of darkness concealed the assault. All was then calm for just a few seconds before the darkness lifted. The cloaked man and the evil beast had vanished, leaving behind the boy’s scarred and lifeless body laying face flat on the ground.

 

 

 

for some reason to me this doesn't make sense to me...

3/10. NOT CHANGING. DONT GET BUTT HURT OR BE NEGREPPED.

[Takashi125]

lol I understand. There's not much to get on because it's just a prologue, I just want comments on my grammer and style of writing for now.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Its plot is intersting, but you should work A LOT on detail. 6/10.

[Takashi125]

Yea thanks, detail is my greatest issue atm XP

[Takashi125]

Bump + a little change to the prologue. Chapter one is still in the works.

[Ghoulish]

I liked it im new to this forum but the prologue seems interesting an keeps you guessing, ill keep tuned as i may be interested in seeing future chapters

[Twig]

@mahboi99: No. Don't rate. That's not constructive. And saying "for some reason this doesn't make sense" isn't constructive either.

 

@Kenta: Again. Don't rate. I don't want everyone starting to rate in this place. I thought it had plenty of detail. What kind of details were you looking for?

 

It's very well done compare to the other fanfics here. I actually like the small duel, which surprises me because I hate most duels. But that was just a short duel. I want to see how you do with a full duel.

[Shalltear Bloodfallen]

I have to agree with Twig.

 

Fan-Fic duels are very rarely interesting or fun to read, this (probably because it was short) duel however was an exception.

 

I have never been a fan of the present tense wrighting but this one seems to pull it off rather nicely even though it seems to change back and forth between past and present tense in the prologue.

 

What I can gather from the prologue regarding plot, it seems interesting enough to make me want to see more.

 

There is no immediate lack of details over all but on a few points, I would have liked to see more.

(Example, I believe Blood Vorse could use some description improvement and just a little improvement on the students’ appearance)

 

Due to my first language not being English, I´m not qualified to examine grammar and such since mine is also likely terrible when I don´t proofread what I just wrote and skip running it through a spellchecker.

[Takashi125]

Hey thank you very much Twig and Laz for your comments and complaments. You both have giving me reasons other than my own to improve and continue this story. I'm glad I made this change in the prologue. And Twig don't be too hard on Kenta and Mah they probably only saw the first version that had very little detail and no duel. But yea I will agree with you on the whole rating thing... please don't do that guys.

[Twig]

I wasn't harsh at all. Did I use an exclamation point? Did I swear?

 

I look forward to see what you do with chapter one.

[Takashi125]

lol ok ok I just didn't want them to take it personally... I'm that kinda guy XP