Need Lock Plz

[Ghoulish]

lock.

[Ghoulish]

basic overview of story added

[CrabHelmet]

Once upon a time, a man named Theodore Sturgeon observed that ninety percent of everything is trash. Nowhere is this more evident than in the world of Fan Fiction, where the majority of works are garbage, riddled with endless clichés, plot holes, and character derailments and totally lacking in any redeeming qualities.

 

The remaining ten percent, however, is to die for, and occasionally there arises a tale that transcends the standard fare. These masterpieces rival or even surpass the original work itself in terms of quality. They feature original, clever, epic plots, with rounded and dynamic characters populating a well-developed world. The dialogue is realistic and enjoyable to read; when exposition is necessary, it is introduced at a sensible pace and keeps the reader immersed; the characters remain sensibly true to their canon characterizations and are not forced to act like idiots to develop the plot; and the overall experience is something that leaves the reader feeling simultaneously satisfied and hungry for more. And it goes without saying that these brilliant works are heavily proofread to ensure the eradication of any errors.

 

This is not one of those stories.

 

If you are a fan of quality fanfics but you are a foe of mediocre-to-bad fanfics, then you've come to the wrong place - because today is a day for Foe Fiction.

 

I'm glad everything worked out so well. I mean, sure, my entire supporting cast was killed and I had to mind-wipe my future self and strand him at a random point in time, but besides that things are back to normal. Time for more solo reviewing!

 

Before we begin, let's see what the author of this story has to say for himself:

 

(NOTE: I will accept criticism and critique, however keep in mind im not perfecr and i do make mistakes, if you dont lie it then simply state why, dont get abusive, im one kid not a full team. On a positive note plz tell me what u liked and any suggestions will be taken into account

thx ... Maadd1)

 

Apparently, it's impossible to write like a human being unless your a perfecr full team so we shuldnt wine if we dont lie it.

 

The weird thing is that the story itself, at least from what I saw by glancing at it, isn't written like this; I don't know how well it's written, but it didn't seem to be nearly as bad as this author's note. Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this, but deliberately opted not to do so while writing the author's note that instructs us not to complain if the story isn't written perfecry - he chose to leave the note telling us not to complain about mistakes full of mistakes. That's meta-weirdness there.

 

Anyhow, let's go to the actual prologue.

 

The sounds of thunder, the constant roar of the rain hitting the lands.

 

And our first sentence is... not actually a sentence. Now, there are perfectly good artistic reasons for beginning a story with a Not Sentence - or, which is actually more common, with a string of Not Sentences. But when a disembodied third-person narrator is just using it to describe the background noise of the setting, a Not Sentence is Not Necessary.

 

On top of the highest peak of all mountains in the Prominence of Adrigh, the fate of Adro is dependent of one man..Arthus.

 

In this universe, power is directly proportional to alphabetic superiority. Dragons may be fairly strong, but the most feared beast in all the realm is the dreaded aardvark. Nobody has ever faced an aardvark and lived to tell the tale, notwithstanding the Frenchmen who taunted one off while defending the Castle Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh.

 

It strikes me as rather clumsy to open by simply stating without context that the fate of the world depends on Arthus, as opposed to, you know, pretty much any other conceivable way of conveying that the fate of the world depends on Arthus.

 

A wounded figure stands opposite to the mighty warrior known as Arthus, he is covered in a black robe with the right arm sleeve torn off and a hoodie that hides his face, he holds his right arm, limping in pain.

 

Phew. For a moment there, I was worried we were running low on black-cloaked figures with shrouded faces.

 

This sentence is an example of what is called a "comma splice" - joining two independent clauses with a simple comma instead of a period, a semicolon, or a comma and a conjunction. I don't care if you're not a perfecr team, maadd1; avoiding this sort of basic error doesn't require a perfecr team, since it's the sort of thing that any high school student is expected to do.

 

Arthus stands tall and proud, ignoring the water now slipping from his face, he points his right arm in the direction of the limping figure.

 

And here's another comma splice.

 

Why do so many people write in the present tense here? Is it because the past tense is the standard, so they think it's clever and original when they write in the present tense? In this case, I think it's the Camera Fallacy again. This story is billed as an anime rather than as a written story, so I suspect that the idea is that the written words narrate what would be happening on the screen at any given time if this were actually an anime and not a written fanfic.

 

To which I have only one response: get your head out of the sand, ostrich.

 

Whenever you're writing a fanfic, bear in mind that you're writing a fanfic, not a television series. These are different types of media that have different conventions. When you're writing the fanfic, don't pretend that you're actually writing a television series; accept that what you're writing is purely verbal and then write it properly. There's a reason that official movie novelizations are called "novelizations" - it's because they're written like novels rather than like transcripts.

 

Red and orange light begin to emit from Arthus’s arm, it is soon engulfed in a red and orange aura that soon replaces the elbow to hand of Arthus.

 

COMMA SPLICE COUNT: 3

 

When I first started reading this pseudo-sentence, I thought he was shooting laser beams out of his hands. Sadly, he wasn't that awesome.

 

Also, I love how "engulfed" is in the past tense.

 

As the light disappears a 1m long red and orange, sharp blade appears in place of the arm. Big sparks of circling flames engulf the blade.

 

Writing style aside, this sort of thing is another reason why it's important to remember what medium you're working in. Something like this appearing in an actual anime series generally looks pretty cool and would make Arthus look awesome. Something like this being described in a fanfic sounds like it's trying to look cool and like it's trying to make Arthus look awesome, but fails to actually look cool or make Arthus look awesome. When you're writing, overdone special effects are stupid instead of fantastic.

 

The hooded figure hides his pain and stands tall “Well Arthus…”, says the hooded figure.”Who would have thought…it would turn out…like this…”

 

I always thought it was the figure without the pure-black clothes who was supposed to think his loss was inconceivable.

 

"My strength wasn't achieved through training”, says the emotional yet aggressive sounding Arthus. “It came from those who plea for freedom, who would give their lives to protect others, I swore to Adro that their freedom would be assured!"

 

Yeah, this would probably sound really dramatic if we had any context whatsoever. As it stands, however, all we have is Arthus spewing a bunch of generic lines from a power-of-heart shonen hero. Again, it feels like the intent here is that this is supposed to be an epic and awesome scene - it's the oath-empowered hero facing off with the Big Bad - but it falls flat on its face because a hero powered by friendship or whatever is meaningless when we've never witnessed any of that trust/friendship/et cetera.

 

The hooded figure stands straight up and points his sleeveless right arm at Arthus, who is still pointing his glowing blade at the hooded figure.

 

“So still…you understand nothing…”, the hooded figure says.

 

Please use the phrase "the hooded figure" more. You've only used it five times so far, so it's not quite repetitive enough. This would never happen if you had given your villain any characteristics other than "he's a figure who's hooded" - but even given that your villain is as generic as possible, you should still be able to mix up the phrasing somehow.

 

Moreover, potato chainsaw. There, that should make up for how boring and serious this review has been so far.

 

I'm actually inclined to agree with the villain here. If the hero didn't even bother training because he trusted that the power of his vow to protect unspecified offscreen people or whatever would suffice, he really should be insulted for understanding nothing.

 

Suddenly his right arm emits black light and soon gets engulfed in black shards of lightning. The arm is now engulfed in the black light and invisible to the eyes, as the light diminishes the arm is replaced, by a growing black blade that extends to 1.1m long, that emits constant black shards of lightning.

 

The fact that "the hooded figure" was wounded and limping and in pain and wearing torn clothes when this scene began implied that we were entering the scene after they had been fighting for quite some time, but then we see that it's only later that both of these guys decide to use their Go Go Gadget Swordarm. Does everyone in this universe, despite the extreme serious that the narrator claims this situation has, constantly hold back so that they can later reveal that they are not left-handed?

 

"You say such noble words...but when it comes to Adro...would you trully be prepared...to lose it all?"

 

"Trully"? When you fail to use the MSWord spellchecker, you lose the right to act like everyone's expectations are too high when they complain about your writing being awful. This isn't a matter of perfecrion; it's a matter of basic standards that any monkey who can find the F7 key can be expected to reach.

 

Anyhow, I thought Arthus was actively working to avoid losing all of Adro, so the line about being prepared to lose it all doesn't make much sense.

 

Arthus looks to his right and down the mountain, there is a poor town with little huts for houses, he looks through a small window of one hut, where a boy no older then 5 looks up at the battle at hand.

 

He looked down a mountain into a small window of one specific hut and saw a kid looking back up at him.

 

Here's what I've figured out about the world so far: here, everyone holds back stupidly and has insane vision.

 

Arthus faces the hooded figure, then closes his eyes.

 

Sounds like an excellent fighting tactic. Look away from your nemesis down a mountain, then shut your eyes.

 

Everything is now black.

 

Yes. That is indeed what normally happens when you close your eyes.

 

The rain continues to poor as the thunder roars. Arthus is on his knees, big drips of blood running down his chest and leg, his blade touching the ground. The hooded figure is kneeling in front of him with his black blade through Arthus’s chest. Arthus coughs out blood.

 

I don't understand it! Somehow Arthus's amazing combo of Not Attacking and Not Looking At The Opponent failed! What could have gone wrong?

 

I'd complain about the rain not pouring properly, but so much of this story is poor that that word feels somehow appropriate.

 

The hooded figure puts his left hand on Arthus’s shoulder.

“Was it worth it…”

 

Was being stabbed and dying and failing to actually defeat the villain worth it? No, probably not.

 

Arthus’s pain and bloody stricken face reveals a light smile."Was.....it worth...it? ha...ha, i..i may not have...been able....to end...this, but my...my son...he, he will...end it all...i leave him...my….Golios of Truth!” Arthus's blade dissapears and is replaced by his right arm.

 

You weren't able to end it because you didn't pull out your swordarm during the actual battle and then refused to finish the villain off when he was on his knees in crippling pain in front of you when you did have your swordarm out and then decided to look away and shut your eyes when the villain was standing on front of you with his own swordarm! It wasn't a matter of you not being able to end this; it was a matter of you acting like a complete dolt and refusing to do anything that could possibly allow you to win! I know you said you didn't get your strength from training, but come on, it doesn't take years of training to figure out that stabbing the opponent makes you win and squeezing your eyes shut makes you lose.

 

And nice plan, giving your swordarm to the five-year-old kid. Yeah, I'm sure that the evil villain who vanquished someone who the narrator claims is a "mighty warrior" (even though he seems to be fundamentally useless at fighting) is going to be completely unable to defeat some little boy, because five-year-olds are such powerful swordarmsmen.

 

The hooded figure takes his blade out of Arthus’s stomach and kicks him in the gut forcing him to lay flat in a puddle of water and blood.

 

And so we return to our original theme of Things That Look Cool On The Screen But Sound Stupid In Text Form.

 

“You can’t escape…the Gods…”

“Daddy!!!!”, calls the boy in the hut.

 

Then again, since the kid seems to have magic supervision that lets him see what two guys up at the top of a MOUNTAIN are doing, maybe he has similar plot magic that will let him defeat the villain.

 

On the whole, this was not a good story. The lines were entirely cliché, except that the lack of context removed the slightest meaning they might have had. The "plot," as it were, relied on the hero Arthus being a complete moron in every way possible, and when you're too stupid to even be a proper generic barbarian hero, something is very wrong.

 

And as for the writing quality: stop pretending this is an anime series! It isn't! Accept that it isn't, and you'll do far better than you are now; a well done fanfic is far better than a poor man's anime, and if you keep deluding yourself over what you're writing then you'll be stuck with the quality you have now. This is verbal story, not an audiovisual one told through a camera. And don't whine about how I'm being unfair expecting you to actually post something readable because you're not a perfecr team and yadda yadda yadda. You didn't even run this through a spellchecker, so you forfeit all right to get defensive about any of this.

[Ghoulish]

*clap clap clap* round of applause that was definatly painful to read...

 

now where should i start? i know!

 

"Apparently, it's impossible to write like a human being unless your a perfecr full team so we shuldnt wine if we dont lie it.

The weird thing is that the story itself, at least from what I saw by glancing at it, isn't written like this; I don't know how well it's written, but it didn't seem to be nearly as bad as this author's note. Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this, but deliberately opted not to do so while writing the author's note that instructs us not to complain if the story isn't written perfecry - he chose to leave the note telling us not to complain about mistakes full of mistakes. That's meta-weirdness there."

 

yea your right it is weird, it can't possibly be that he trys hard to focus on the writing in the actualy story then a little note. The writer obviously can write better, so instyead of understanding this i will....hmm...i know! Criticise it? My Q: U couldnt leave it at "Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this" or was the rest really a big part?

 

anyway lets continue with your comment.

 

"And our first sentence is... not actually a sentence. Now, there are perfectly good artistic reasons for beginning a story with a Not Sentence - or, which is actually more common, with a string of Not Sentences. But when a disembodied third-person narrator is just using it to describe the background noise of the setting, a Not Sentence is Not Necessary."

 

understandable and thankyou now i know where to improve.

 

"In this universe, power is directly proportional to alphabetic superiority. Dragons may be fairly strong, but the most feared beast in all the realm is the dreaded aardvark. Nobody has ever faced an aardvark and lived to tell the tale, notwithstanding the Frenchmen who taunted one off while defending the Castle Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh."

 

okay so basically your obsessed with the fact that some names begin with the letter "A", don't worry there willl be more non "A" names then there are, really useful comment oh wait no it wasn't.

 

It strikes me as rather clumsy to open by simply stating without context that the fate of the world depends on Arthus, as opposed to, you know, pretty much any other conceivable way of conveying that the fate of the world depends on Arthus.

 

Okay you didn't know, this is a prologue with many deleted scenes, it is intended to keep you guessing eg: who is who? ""The World"", no one said world as Adro is not a "world", hey i kept you guessing my intentions are working!

 

"Why do so many people write in the present tense here?"

 

Oh that's right it's not my first post in Fan Fic..oh wait plz continue

 

"Is it because the past tense is the standard, so they think it's clever and original when they write in the present tense? In this case, I think it's the Camera Fallacy again. This story is billed as an anime rather than as a written story, so I suspect that the idea is that the written words narrate what would be happening on the screen at any given time if this were actually an anime and not a written fanfic."

 

thats true, my original intention was for a camera tv show like approach, however after deliberation, i was told written book kind of approach was best so there may be errors that cross from both types of writing. That was useful and a good observation plz continue

 

"When I first started reading this pseudo-sentence, I thought he was shooting laser beams out of his hands. Sadly, he wasn't that awesome.

 

Also, I love how "engulfed" is in the past tense."

 

Thankyou for the sarcasm i really appreciated, i will edit it so people wont think his a robot, again plz continue.

 

"Writing style aside, this sort of thing is another reason why it's important to remember what medium you're working in. Something like this appearing in an actual anime series generally looks pretty cool and would make Arthus look awesome. Something like this being described in a fanfic sounds like it's trying to look cool and like it's trying to make Arthus look awesome, but fails to actually look cool or make Arthus look awesome. When you're writing, overdone special effects are stupid instead of fantastic."

 

Understandable and thankyou for the comment. You may want to take into account that it is "Fictional" and that maybe those things are cool in the story? But nah lets think of it as being able to happen in real life and what people would think of it if it did.

 

"I always thought it was the figure without the pure-black clothes who was supposed to think his loss was inconceivable."

 

...apparently not? thats right every villain should say "I'm on the verge of death but i can't die!"

 

 

"Yeah, this would probably sound really dramatic if we had any context whatsoever. As it stands, however, all we have is Arthus spewing a bunch of generic lines from a power-of-heart shonen hero. Again, it feels like the intent here is that this is supposed to be an epic and awesome scene - it's the oath-empowered hero facing off with the Big Bad - but it falls flat on its face because a hero powered by friendship or whatever is meaningless when we've never witnessed any of that trust/friendship/et cetera."

 

Why don't we have context? why don't w- I know!!! "A mini Prologue" may have something to do with it? you haven't witnessed friendships yet, now are you guessing "Friendships" with who? my intention again yay!

 

"Please use the phrase "the hooded figure" more. You've only used it five times so far, so it's not quite repetitive enough. This would never happen if you had given your villain any characteristics other than "he's a figure who's hooded" - but even given that your villain is as generic as possible, you should still be able to mix up the phrasing somehow.

 

That's right i should use his spoiler name right?

 

"Moreover, potato chainsaw. There, that should make up for how boring and serious this review has been so far."

 

Purple monkey dishwasher. There, pointless and irrelevent but thankyou

 

"I'm actually inclined to agree with the villain here. If the hero didn't even bother training because he trusted that the power of his vow to protect unspecified offscreen people or whatever would suffice, he really should be insulted for understanding nothing."

 

derp di derp di derp. Okay he said his strength wasn't obtained through simple training? Now could it be that he is saying that although he trained, his true strength comes from his heart and determination? Nah that can't be it.

 

"The fact that "the hooded figure" was wounded and limping and in pain and wearing torn clothes when this scene began implied that we were entering the scene after they had been fighting for quite some time, but then we see that it's only later that both of these guys decide to use their Go Go Gadget Swordarm. Does everyone in this universe, despite the extreme serious that the narrator claims this situation has, constantly hold back so that they can later reveal that they are not left-handed?"

 

Okay, so simply having the blades already out and not shown how theyr replaced the users tight arms is probablt the approach i should have taken sorry. It might be thatin the extended version they already had them out and this was edited to fit the "Mini Prologue intention"?

 

"Trully"? When you fail to use the MSWord spellchecker, you lose the right to act like everyone's expectations are too high when they complain about your writing being awful. This isn't a matter of perfecrion; it's a matter of basic standards that any monkey who can find the F7 key can be expected to reach.

 

Anyhow, I thought Arthus was actively working to avoid losing all of Adro, so the line about being prepared to lose it all doesn't make much sense."

 

That's right my MS isn't set to American my bad, and that gives you all the reason in the world to call me a monkey? ahkk i see so it's not just low posting members that insult people? Now the second part that is a question! thankyou! In the extended version you'll see why, he wasn't prepared to lose it all.

 

"He looked down a mountain into a small window of one specific hut and saw a kid looking back up at him.

 

Here's what I've figured out about the world so far: here, everyone holds back stupidly and has insane vision."

 

Here's what i got from your critique, you are confused and questioning the story, you muse really be enticed!

 

 

"Sounds like an excellent fighting tactic. Look away from your nemesis down a mountain, then shut your eyes."

 

Derp di Derp di Derp ti titti li. (plz don't make me finish that line) I'm glad your paying attention! He can't be upset or showing signs of acceptance of his fate due to a possible underlying tactic of his opponent? nahh that can't be it he was supposed to make the villain feel sorry for him and run right?

 

"Yes. That is indeed what normally happens when you close your eyes."

 

derp di derp di derp ti titti li tum.

 

 

"I don't understand it! Somehow Arthus's amazing combo of Not Attacking and Not Looking At The Opponent failed! What could have gone wrong?"

 

What's a mini Prologue ay? Maybe what went wrong was possible actions that happened in the extended version? yeaa that might be it.

 

"I'd complain about the rain not pouring properly, but so much of this story is poor that that word feels somehow appropriate."

 

That's right i should be perfect in every way i forgot, maybe instead you could say "you mistakenly changed the way the rain is" nahh that can't possibly be better.

 

"Was being stabbed and dying and failing to actually defeat the villain worth it? No, probably not."

 

derp di derp di derp ti titti li tum ti. It's close to finishing!!! Was that worth it? you must have no idea to think someone would intend for the stabbing to be somhow worth it to the guy that got stabbed, it can't be something he was protecting was worth protecting for could it? but then again your questioning it the "mini prologue"

 

"You weren't able to end it because you didn't pull out your swordarm during the actual battle and then refused to finish the villain off when he was on his knees in crippling pain in front of you when you did have your swordarm out and then decided to look away and shut your eyes when the villain was standing on front of you with his own swordarm! It wasn't a matter of you not being able to end this; it was a matter of you acting like a complete dolt and refusing to do anything that could possibly allow you to win! I know you said you didn't get your strength from training, but come on, it doesn't take years of training to figure out that stabbing the opponent makes you win and squeezing your eyes shut makes you lose."

 

There aren't deleted scenes what are you talking about! and when they are revealed they wont depict how and why he was defeated and for what reason again thankyou for being open minded to possible scenes missed.

 

 

"And nice plan, giving your swordarm to the five-year-old kid. Yeah, I'm sure that the evil villain who vanquished someone who the narrator claims is a "mighty warrior" (even though he seems to be fundamentally useless at fighting) is going to be completely unable to defeat some little boy, because five-year-olds are such powerful swordarmsmen."

 

That's exactly what i was thinking!!!! I mean the 5 year old was gonna leave home, climb the mountain and face the 30 or so year old right?!?! It can't be so he can use it in the future??? Naahhhhhh that can't be it.

 

"And so we return to our original theme of Things That Look Cool On The Screen But Sound Stupid In Text Form."

 

Damn it! why aren't i a proffesional writer.

 

"Then again, since the kid seems to have magic supervision that lets him see what two guys up at the top of a MOUNTAIN are doing, maybe he has similar plot magic that will let him defeat the villain."

 

Oh no...i'm gonna...do it.....derp di derp di derp ti titt li tum ti tum! sorry i had to do it, wow, because he should be the exact same as a normal 5 year old in real life right???

 

"On the whole, this was not a good story."

 

Good judgement on a mini prologue to determine how the series on a whole is.

 

"The lines were entirely cliché"

 

cliches suck that's why they'r called cliches right?

 

"The "plot," as it were, relied on the hero Arthus being a complete moron in every way possible"

 

That's right Arthus is the moron says the person who critiques the future of an entiere series by a mini prologue that has missed scenes to simply keep the viewer guessing for the short time. His actions didn't have a point did they.

 

"and when you're too stupid to even be a proper generic barbarian hero, something is very wrong."

 

Yea it would seem that it was like a ...mini prologue? but that can't be write...can it?

 

 

"And as for the writing quality: stop pretending this is an anime series! It isn't! Accept that it isn't, and you'll do far better than you are now; a well done fanfic is far better than a poor man's anime, and if you keep deluding yourself over what you're writing then you'll be stuck with the quality you have now. "

 

sorry i don't think about anime everyday 24/7, i wasn't sure if it could be thought of as an anime, it couldn't be i didn't know what else to call it at this point and when i got home i wasn't gonna change it to fan fic. good spot!

 

"And don't whine about how I'm being unfair expecting you to actually post something readable because you're not a perfecr team and yadda yadda yadda."

 

No worries man who anticipates what happens int he future of a series judging by a mini prologue who doesn't question (seriously) why a hero would give up fighting. No worries.

 

"You didn't even run this through a spellchecker, so you forfeit all right to get defensive about any of this."

 

about someone calling me a monkey? about someone basically saying "I'm gonna criticise unfairly" your series and future of the series judging by your first ever fan fic post of a mini prologue.

 

Now, can i ask you a question? Why? why critcise somehting you can only judge an opinion on by the mini-Prologue? Why? Why call me a monkey? Why? Why not give constant advice to improve? Why? Why not consider reasons for things seeming strange, why not just ask about why a hero would give up? is that so hard? Honestly you think your awesome in every way that you can say what you want when really, your claiming that basically you made this "MINI PROLOGUE" and it sucks because it doesn't make sense to you, i was happy to see that i got a reply from a well known moderator, wow, was i mistaken, it seems moderators are harsher to members then the common member. Thx heaps man

 

(on a positive note) Thanks for when you actually gave good criticism with those i can improve.

[Ghoulish]

okay ill add the detailed analysis of "Golios's" as some people are thinking of slot machines

[CrabHelmet]

*clap clap clap* round of applause that was definatly painful to read...

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. It was indeed painful to read.

 

now where should i start? i know!

 

Congratulations. You've learned that starting at the beginning is usually good.

 

"Apparently, it's impossible to write like a human being unless your a perfecr full team so we shuldnt wine if we dont lie it.

The weird thing is that the story itself, at least from what I saw by glancing at it, isn't written like this; I don't know how well it's written, but it didn't seem to be nearly as bad as this author's note. Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this, but deliberately opted not to do so while writing the author's note that instructs us not to complain if the story isn't written perfecry - he chose to leave the note telling us not to complain about mistakes full of mistakes. That's meta-weirdness there."

 

yea your right it is weird, it can't possibly be that he trys hard to focus on the writing in the actualy story then a little note.

 

And because effort is a zero-sum game, it's impossible to write the note half-decently if one also wants to write the story in a way that actually resembles English.

 

The writer obviously can write better, so instyead of understanding this i will....hmm...i know! Criticise it? My Q: U couldnt leave it at "Apparently, maadd1 is capable of writing better than this" or was the rest really a big part?

 

On a serious level, good writers cultivate habits of good writing. That means that they don't degenerate into chatspeak whenever they're typing anything that isn't their story - especially if the thing they're typing is an author's note accompanying the piece, but also just in general. You'll find that none of the actual competent writers type like kindergarteners outside of their stories. Is it really that hard to type decently? If it's that hard for you, you probably shouldn't be writing stories anyhow.

 

On a less serious level, if you can't see the irony in telling people not to criticize you for not being perfect in a note that you have left about as imperfect as possible, you're basically too clueless about the world to be writing anything anyhow.

 

"In this universe, power is directly proportional to alphabetic superiority. Dragons may be fairly strong, but the most feared beast in all the realm is the dreaded aardvark. Nobody has ever faced an aardvark and lived to tell the tale, notwithstanding the Frenchmen who taunted one off while defending the Castle Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh."

 

okay so basically your obsessed with the fact that some names begin with the letter "A", don't worry there willl be more non "A" names then there are, really useful comment oh wait no it wasn't.

 

When the first three names in your story all start with the letter "A," it looks weird.

 

Also, not every last one of my comments is intended to be useful to you. See, I don't just write this for your benefit. I write a series of these reviews that people other than the two of us read for their amusement.

 

It strikes me as rather clumsy to open by simply stating without context that the fate of the world depends on Arthus, as opposed to, you know, pretty much any other conceivable way of conveying that the fate of the world depends on Arthus.

 

Okay you didn't know, this is a prologue with many deleted scenes, it is intended to keep you guessing eg: who is who? ""The World"", no one said world as Adro is not a "world", hey i kept you guessing my intentions are working!

 

I honestly couldn't care less if Adro was a giant fish; your writing in this instance is still poor. You see, one of the cardinal rules of writing is Show, Don't Tell - instead of stating that Person X is a great hero and is important, let us see him doing great heroic things and such. Just having the narrator say that he's the key to saving a village is unforgivably lazy; it ascribes importance to him not because of anything the readers see but rather because the narrator claims he's important.

 

If you were indeed intentionally trying to keep readers guessing, you weren't doing a very good job, since you chose entirely the wrong things to leave uncertain. You see, a mystery adds to the story only to the extent that the audience actually cares. When you introduce Arthus as the hero of Adro, the reader doesn't think, "Wow, I wonder what Adro is! I can't wait to discover the solution to this mysterious mystery!" Furthermore, by choosing that to not specify, you've exacerbated the Show Don't Tell problem mentioned above; we now not only have no onscreen evidence of Arthus's heroism but also have no indication what exactly he was protecting in the first place. All we have is a guy in a vacuum who's supposedly a hero.

 

"Why do so many people write in the present tense here?"

 

Oh that's right it's not my first post in Fan Fic..oh wait plz continue

 

In what way does this being your first post here negate my assertion that lots of people write in present tense here?

 

"Is it because the past tense is the standard, so they think it's clever and original when they write in the present tense? In this case, I think it's the Camera Fallacy again. This story is billed as an anime rather than as a written story, so I suspect that the idea is that the written words narrate what would be happening on the screen at any given time if this were actually an anime and not a written fanfic."

 

thats true, my original intention was for a camera tv show like approach, however after deliberation, i was told written book kind of approach was best so there may be errors that cross from both types of writing. That was useful and a good observation plz continue

 

What's this line about "errors that cross from both types of writing" supposed to mean? Do you mean that you wrote this as a TV script or something and then did a hasty conversion to novel format that apparently failed to eradicate the television conventions from the original version? If so, stop being so lazy and actually try to adapt it properly in future.

 

"When I first started reading this pseudo-sentence, I thought he was shooting laser beams out of his hands. Sadly, he wasn't that awesome.

 

Also, I love how "engulfed" is in the past tense."

 

Thankyou for the sarcasm i really appreciated,

 

see its funny cuz i was sarcastic and then u commented on it & u wur sarcastic 2

 

i will edit it so people wont think his a robot, again plz continue.

 

THAT'S what you consider a valid suggestion that warrants an edit!?

 

"Writing style aside, this sort of thing is another reason why it's important to remember what medium you're working in. Something like this appearing in an actual anime series generally looks pretty cool and would make Arthus look awesome. Something like this being described in a fanfic sounds like it's trying to look cool and like it's trying to make Arthus look awesome, but fails to actually look cool or make Arthus look awesome. When you're writing, overdone special effects are stupid instead of fantastic."

 

Understandable and thankyou for the comment. You may want to take into account that it is "Fictional" and that maybe those things are cool in the story? But nah lets think of it as being able to happen in real life and what people would think of it if it did.

 

Your goal is not to make your characters impress other characters in-universe with flashy special effects but rather to make your story impress the audience in our world. Never forget that the readers' benefit is your primary objective.

 

"I always thought it was the figure without the pure-black clothes who was supposed to think his loss was inconceivable."

 

...apparently not? thats right every villain should say "I'm on the verge of death but i can't die!"

 

It's a reference to The Princess Bride.

 

"Yeah, this would probably sound really dramatic if we had any context whatsoever. As it stands, however, all we have is Arthus spewing a bunch of generic lines from a power-of-heart shonen hero. Again, it feels like the intent here is that this is supposed to be an epic and awesome scene - it's the oath-empowered hero facing off with the Big Bad - but it falls flat on its face because a hero powered by friendship or whatever is meaningless when we've never witnessed any of that trust/friendship/et cetera."

 

Why don't we have context? why don't w- I know!!! "A mini Prologue" may have something to do with it?

 

Yes, I know that we can't be expected to have a huge background on everyone's relationship in the prologue. The solution to that is to not write scenes like this in the prologue that fall completely flat without said background., not to throw such scenes in there where they cannot possibly be appreciated and then blame the readers for not appreciating them.

 

you haven't witnessed friendships yet, now are you guessing "Friendships" with who? my intention again yay!

 

He's a shonen hero shouting about bonds with others or something. I consider all these stock phrases interchangeable. Maybe one's talking about a promise and one's talking about friendship, but in the end it's all the same. The Power of Friendship is the most generic, so I use it as a catch-all phrase for everything of the sort.

 

"Please use the phrase "the hooded figure" more. You've only used it five times so far, so it's not quite repetitive enough. This would never happen if you had given your villain any characteristics other than "he's a figure who's hooded" - but even given that your villain is as generic as possible, you should still be able to mix up the phrasing somehow.

 

That's right i should use his spoiler name right?

 

If you can't think of any ways to refer to the villain other than "the hooded figure" and his real spoilerific name, then you shouldn't be writing. No, really. If your command of the English language is honestly that weak and your imagination is honestly that poor, then you have no hope whatsoever of producing something worth reading.

 

"Moreover, potato chainsaw. There, that should make up for how boring and serious this review has been so far."

 

Purple monkey dishwasher. There, pointless and irrelevent but thankyou

 

I had to throw that in there because the problems with this story are all such boring incarnations of bad writing that my readers would have gotten bored and wandered off to Phantom Roxas's review topic instead.

 

"I'm actually inclined to agree with the villain here. If the hero didn't even bother training because he trusted that the power of his vow to protect unspecified offscreen people or whatever would suffice, he really should be insulted for understanding nothing."

 

derp di derp di derp. Okay he said his strength wasn't obtained through simple training? Now could it be that he is saying that although he trained, his true strength comes from his heart and determination? Nah that can't be it.

 

That's not a definite assumption in a shonen battle series; the standard rule is that heart trumps effort.

 

"The fact that "the hooded figure" was wounded and limping and in pain and wearing torn clothes when this scene began implied that we were entering the scene after they had been fighting for quite some time, but then we see that it's only later that both of these guys decide to use their Go Go Gadget Swordarm. Does everyone in this universe, despite the extreme serious that the narrator claims this situation has, constantly hold back so that they can later reveal that they are not left-handed?"

 

Okay, so simply having the blades already out and not shown how theyr replaced the users tight arms is probablt the approach i should have taken sorry. It might be thatin the extended version they already had them out and this was edited to fit the "Mini Prologue intention"?

 

What, now you're complaining that I didn't somehow realize that the prologue had the sensible chronological order of events screwed up because it's actually an edited abridged version of an extended version that was cut down, complete with blatantly false accounts of what happened, by the omniscient disembodied impartial narrator? Come on, you can't be serious here. If you're actively sabotaging your story like that, stop writing.

 

"Trully"? When you fail to use the MSWord spellchecker, you lose the right to act like everyone's expectations are too high when they complain about your writing being awful. This isn't a matter of perfecrion; it's a matter of basic standards that any monkey who can find the F7 key can be expected to reach.

 

Anyhow, I thought Arthus was actively working to avoid losing all of Adro, so the line about being prepared to lose it all doesn't make much sense."

 

That's right my MS isn't set to American my bad,

 

I'm fairly sure "trully" is a word in neither British English nor American English, so it's not like it's actually a correct spelling in any form of the English language. What on earth is your MSWord spellchecker set to, Japanese? And would it have been that hard to, you know, spend five seconds switching it to English to spellcheck it? Or to use any other spellchecker, or any equivalent way of ensuring that absolute minimal level of quality would be achieved? It's spellchecking. This isn't something that takes an obscene amount of skill or effort. It takes thirty seconds and just requires you to push a button. Do you honestly care so little for the quality of your story that you're not willing to to do even that? Why are you even writing this?

 

and that gives you all the reason in the world to call me a monkey?

 

Pay attention. I never called you a monkey. I said you failed at a task that even a monkey could successfully complete. That makes you less than a monkey.

 

ahkk i see so it's not just low posting members that insult people?

 

 

Now the second part that is a question! thankyou! In the extended version you'll see why, he wasn't prepared to lose it all.

 

Okay, seriously, stop with this "ITS ALL MAKE SENSE IN EXTENDED VERISON I SWEARR" nonsense. I don't know if you're familiar with the standard conventions of how writing generally works, but even you should be aware that good writing never begins by publishing for the world to see an abridged, mixed-up, hastily-thrown-together version of part of the story and then promising to fix it later by writing a longer one that isn't full of contradictions and nonsense. If you're not ready to post your proper story, don't post anything and take your time finishing your story properly; don't throw together some trash and then promise to fix it later. You're not going to be fired if you don't have a chapter ready to print in this week's magazine, and considering that, prior to the prologue, you hadn't posted anything at all, there was no reason whatsoever to rush this out instead of waiting and posting the sensible version. Bear in mind that the effect of all of this is not to make readers guess but rather to make you look stupid.

 

"He looked down a mountain into a small window of one specific hut and saw a kid looking back up at him.

 

Here's what I've figured out about the world so far: here, everyone holds back stupidly and has insane vision."

 

Here's what i got from your critique, you are confused and questioning the story, you muse really be enticed!

 

Look, when people point out blatant errors in your poorly-written story, it's not because they're intrigued; it's because they think you're a moron for making those blatant errors. When I say that everything that occurs in your story is nonsensical and stupid, I'm not praising your artistic genius in creating this mystery; I'm calling you an idiot for screwing everything up.

 

Here, watch me write a story:

 

John was walking down the street one day when suddenly he fell off the zeppelin into a space station that was in a black hole. Also, John was a bran muffin and held a banana in his hands.

 

Now, if I were to post this as a story and people were to point out how stupidly little sense it made, they wouldn't be doing so because they were intrigued by the universe I constructed; they would be doing so because I was an idiot and wrote something awful.

 

"Sounds like an excellent fighting tactic. Look away from your nemesis down a mountain, then shut your eyes."

 

Derp di Derp di Derp ti titti li. (plz don't make me finish that line)

 

I doubt finishing it could make it any worse.

 

I'm glad your paying attention!

 

You really need to stop pulling the old it's-not-a-bug-it's-a-feature routine, but what you need to do even more desperately is to stop reading all of these bug reports and acting like they're praising your features. When I point out everything you've screwed up, it's not because I'm enticed by your epic story; it's because I'm a reviewer whose job is to read this trash and point out all the places you've screwed up.

 

Let me make this as unambiguous as possible right now: your story sucks and I don't care about it or anything in it. I pay attention while I'm reviewing it because I'd be a fairly lousy reviewer if I didn't pay attention to it while reviewing it, but beyond that it is of no interest to me. I'm not pointing out all of its hideous contradictions and idiotic events because it's enticing me to become immersed in it; I'm doing it because I enjoy mocking this pathetic piece of text that you claim is a story.

 

He can't be upset or showing signs of acceptance of his fate due to a possible underlying tactic of his opponent? nahh that can't be it he was supposed to make the villain feel sorry for him and run right?

 

You've crossed the legibility event horizon here; I can't even quite tell what you're trying to say. All I know is that Arthus was winning in actual combat and had his foe wounded and on his knees; Arthus stopped actually looking at his opponent, which lead to the extremely obvious consequence of being killed; and Arthus said that his mission had failed when he was killed. So what should I assume is the reason for Arthus not paying attention? Should I assume that the genius author has an epic backstory planned that makes it all sensible? Or should I assume that the author, who messed up basic battle chronology (is it that hard to figure out that people draw their weapons BEFORE beginning to fight?), is just being an idiot again?

 

"Yes. That is indeed what normally happens when you close your eyes."

 

derp di derp di derp ti titti li tum.

 

Oh no! You finished the line! The horror!

 

"I don't understand it! Somehow Arthus's amazing combo of Not Attacking and Not Looking At The Opponent failed! What could have gone wrong?"

 

What's a mini Prologue ay? Maybe what went wrong was possible actions that happened in the extended version? yeaa that might be it.

 

Of course! The complete and utter rubbish of this whole affair is justified because this is a chopped-up, messed-up, cut-down, mixed-up, error-riddled, nonsensical, content-free version of the real true actual prologue! It all makes sense!

 

...why was this even posted?

 

"I'd complain about the rain not pouring properly, but so much of this story is poor that that word feels somehow appropriate."

 

That's right i should be perfect in every way i forgot,

 

Indeed, the only way to pass third grade spelling is to be perfect in every way.

 

maybe instead you could say "you mistakenly changed the way the rain is" nahh that can't possibly be better.

 

The two have the same effect, except that your version is less funny and doesn't treat you like the terrible writer you are.

 

"Was being stabbed and dying and failing to actually defeat the villain worth it? No, probably not."

 

derp di derp di derp ti titti li tum ti.

 

Is this supposed to be some sort of mutated catchphrase? Or is this some sort of wolf-like call? Are you howling for other maadd1s? Will a whole pack of you swarm together and suck at writing?

 

It's close to finishing!!! Was that worth it? you must have no idea to think someone would intend for the stabbing to be somhow worth it to the guy that got stabbed, it can't be something he was protecting was worth protecting for could it? but then again your questioning it the "mini prologue"

 

When absolutely everything makes absolutely no sense and the writing is horrible, you lose the benefit of the doubt that it all is actually really brilliant and logical. Especially since your answer to pretty much everything here is "YEAH THE MINI PROLOGUE HAS NO ACTUAL CONTENT AND I STUPID UNLESS YOU'VE READ MY BETTER PROLOGUE THAT WILL REPLACE THIS ONE WHEN I ACTUALLY WRITE IT."

 

"You weren't able to end it because you didn't pull out your swordarm during the actual battle and then refused to finish the villain off when he was on his knees in crippling pain in front of you when you did have your swordarm out and then decided to look away and shut your eyes when the villain was standing on front of you with his own swordarm! It wasn't a matter of you not being able to end this; it was a matter of you acting like a complete dolt and refusing to do anything that could possibly allow you to win! I know you said you didn't get your strength from training, but come on, it doesn't take years of training to figure out that stabbing the opponent makes you win and squeezing your eyes shut makes you lose."

 

There aren't deleted scenes what are you talking about! and when they are revealed they wont depict how and why he was defeated and for what reason again thankyou for being open minded to possible scenes missed.

 

Why on earth would anyone assume that the prologue contained time skips with no indication caused by cutting out content for no reason whatsoever beyond your crippling laziness prohibiting you from writing it? You do realize that you don't need to post rough drafts here, right?

 

"And nice plan, giving your swordarm to the five-year-old kid. Yeah, I'm sure that the evil villain who vanquished someone who the narrator claims is a "mighty warrior" (even though he seems to be fundamentally useless at fighting) is going to be completely unable to defeat some little boy, because five-year-olds are such powerful swordarmsmen."

 

That's exactly what i was thinking!!!! I mean the 5 year old was gonna leave home, climb the mountain and face the 30 or so year old right?!?! It can't be so he can use it in the future??? Naahhhhhh that can't be it.

 

And then the villain sits back for twenty years to let the kid grow up, despite the kid supposedly being visible from the villain's current location. Again, writers as bad as you lose the benefit of the doubt on these matters.

 

"And so we return to our original theme of Things That Look Cool On The Screen But Sound Stupid In Text Form."

 

Damn it! why aren't i a proffesional writer.

 

Because your writing is horrible on every conceivable level and has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. And because you're too lazy to actually finish your own prologue, so there's no way you'd have the dedication to write professionally anyhow.

 

Don't bother pulling the "IM NOT PRO K" excuse (and not just because it amounts to "I SUCK SO ITS OK 4 ME 2 SUCK"). The purpose of posting things on the internet is for people to read them. That means that the things you post must be of a quality that people might actually want to read. If you fail to reach that level of quality, you have merely wasted everybody's time and flaunted your total lack of skill. If you're not good enough to meet some basic standards, that's fine. Just don't post it.

 

"Then again, since the kid seems to have magic supervision that lets him see what two guys up at the top of a MOUNTAIN are doing, maybe he has similar plot magic that will let him defeat the villain."

 

Oh no...i'm gonna...do it.....derp di derp di derp ti titt li tum ti tum!

 

YOU SIR ARE A MASTER OF BOTH DEBATE AND COMEDY WITH THESE BRILLIANT LYRICS

 

sorry i had to do it, wow, because he should be the exact same as a normal 5 year old in real life right???

 

Occam's Razor.

 

Occam's Razor is a rule that states that the simplest explanation is correct more often than not. In this case, we have two basic explanations. The first is that absolutely everything in the prologue is nonsensical and contradictory because it's written by an idiot. The second is that absolutely everything in the prologue is nonsensical and contradictory because its author, despite displaying no technical writing ability (nor even the use of a spellchecker), has cunningly planned a logical and epic tale that will make perfect sense once he reveals the real true prologue that he chose not to post in the first place because of some equally sensible reason.

 

Occam's Razor says the first option is more likely. Occam's Razor is why you don't get the benefit of the doubt.

 

"On the whole, this was not a good story."

 

Good judgement on a mini prologue to determine how the series on a whole is.

 

I suppose the series as a whole could be improved if it were to receive an author transplant.

 

"The lines were entirely cliché"

 

cliches suck that's why they'r called cliches right?

 

Did you just agree with me that your lines all sucked, or are you pulling some sarcastic thing here where the point is that clichés are actually a good thing? Your writing here is so unreadable and your arguments are so stupid that I can't tell.

 

"The "plot," as it were, relied on the hero Arthus being a complete moron in every way possible"

 

That's right Arthus is the moron says the person who critiques the future of an entiere series by a mini prologue that has missed scenes to simply keep the viewer guessing for the short time. His actions didn't have a point did they.

 

Stop babbling about the missed scenes nonsense. No, seriously, shut up. If a story is stupid hen random scenes are omitted without notice, then obviously those scenes shouldn't have been omitted. This isn't that complicated. If you think anyone's going to be intrigued or kept guessing by this, you don't understand how people work at all.

 

"and when you're too stupid to even be a proper generic barbarian hero, something is very wrong."

 

Yea it would seem that it was like a ...mini prologue? but that can't be write...can it?

 

IT MAY SUCK BUT I JUST STARTED K DONT B HARSH

 

"And as for the writing quality: stop pretending this is an anime series! It isn't! Accept that it isn't, and you'll do far better than you are now; a well done fanfic is far better than a poor man's anime, and if you keep deluding yourself over what you're writing then you'll be stuck with the quality you have now. "

 

sorry i don't think about anime everyday 24/7,

 

I fail to see the relevance.

 

i wasn't sure if it could be thought of as an anime,

 

Is this story Japanese? No. Is this story animated? No. So why on earth would you think this might be considered anime?

 

it couldn't be

 

I'm starting to wonder if you're actually capable of writing a sentence that isn't in this single whiny sarcastic template; it seems like every single line of yours in this post has gone for this NO IT COULDN'T BE BAWWWWWWWWWWW format. Then again, the very start of your story made me wonder if you were actually capable of writing a sentence.

 

i didn't know what else to call it at this point and when i got home i wasn't gonna change it to fan fic. good spot!

 

If you don't have a clue what you're doing, don't rush off to post this garbage anyhow. Were you worried the internet would wander away if you didn't post this TODAY TODAY TODAY?

 

More importantly, it's not the anime billing in the title that I'm telling you to eliminate; it's the whole style of writing in which you act like the audience is seeing the scene through a camera, as opposed to how novels are actually written.

 

"And don't whine about how I'm being unfair expecting you to actually post something readable because you're not a perfecr team and yadda yadda yadda."

 

No worries man who anticipates what happens int he future of a series judging by a mini prologue who doesn't question (seriously) why a hero would give up fighting. No worries.

 

The only part of your series that exists is this terrible prologue, so I went through your entire series to date to analyze it. You don't seem to understand that most people here can't read the magical fabled real true prologue in your head.

 

"You didn't even run this through a spellchecker, so you forfeit all right to get defensive about any of this."

 

about someone calling me a monkey?

 

Pay attention. I never said you were a monkey. I said you were worse than a monkey.

 

about someone basically saying "I'm gonna criticise unfairly"

 

I must confess that I don't quite recall saying that.

 

your series and future of the series judging by your first ever fan fic post of a mini prologue.

 

Stop pulling the "IT GETS BETTER LATER I SWEAR EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NO LATER YET ANYHOW" and "I'M NEW SO I'M IMMUNE TO ALL CRITICISM" cards; they're as stupid as they've always been and are getting rather repetitive.

 

Now, can i ask you a question? Why?

 

 

Because I choose to.

 

why critcise somehting you can only judge an opinion on by the mini-Prologue?

 

By posting something, you implicitly assertion that that something is worth reading. I read your something. It was not worth reading. It should never have been posted.

 

Why? Why call me a monkey?

 

Why? Why type like a monkey?

 

Why?

 

Salty Claus, why? Why are you taking our prologue tree? Why?

 

Why not give constant advice to improve?

 

I pointed out the technical and stylistic flaws in your writing style and the gaping plot holes in your story. You were just too busy whining about how this was only your first story and how nobody's able to pass third grade perfect and how the flashy special effects probably looked really cool to the characters and how the prologue's suckiness was a work of genius and some other nonsense to pay attention to the advice. So here's my final word of advice: stop posting until you learn to write.

 

Why? Why not consider reasons for things seeming strange, why not just ask about why a hero would give up? is that so hard?

 

Occam's Razor/ When you screw everything up - you even admitted that you omitted scenes without notice and lied about the order of the events - the assumption that you have a clue what you're doing can no longer be reasonably given.

 

Honestly you think your awesome in every way

 

You cannot possibly seriously believe that anyone who criticizes anything has delusions of godhood. Now you're just deliberately making up complete nonsense for no reason other than to insult me, as if that will somehow make my criticisms evaporate.

 

that you can say what you want

 

Yeah. I, uh, kinda can say what I want.

 

when really, your claiming that basically you made this "MINI PROLOGUE" and it sucks because it doesn't make sense to you,

 

Of course. I should have guessed that the events were told out of chronological order with other scenes missing and that the prologue would later be replaced by a better prologue. Presumably, I should also, in turn, have ignored every single problem with the story that didn't involve plot holes, under the assumption that the atrocious spelling and grammar, the Camera Fallacy writing style, and the complete failure to consider the audience's perspective of events that only looked cool in-universe.

 

i was happy to see that i got a reply from a well known moderator, wow, was i mistaken, it seems moderators are harsher to members then the common member.

 

Didn't you have any idea why I'm a well-known moderator? I mean, the main reason is that I'm awesome in every way, but the other reason is that YCM is very masochistic.

 

Thx heaps man

 

(on a positive note) Thanks for when you actually gave good criticism with those i can improve.

 

As if you paid attention to that - you were too busy getting defensive. If you had acknowledged the criticism properly, you wouldn't have dreamed of writing that wall of WHY WHY WHY at the end - the answer would have been self-evident.

[Ghoulish]

look, at the nd of the day ill tke my part of the reason for ur comment, I made a mistake i shouldn't have edited the prologue to be shorter. It was in script style which is why i changed it and missed places that needed editing ie: "everything is black" cause i rushed it. Also most of my errors when generally typing is mainly from the keyboard delaying the keys or doing summfin weird where it skips letters.

 

But ffs seriously take it out of your FoeFiction section...wtf? u basically say "Fan Fic Forum Post your fan fics here!......So i can put them on Foe Fiction and have a good laugh cause u cant write as good as me" At least Ask for permission cause i dont want mine in it.

---

look, at the nd of the day ill tke my part of the reason for ur comment, I made a mistake i shouldn't have edited the prologue to be shorter. It was in script style which is why i changed it and missed places that needed editing ie: "everything is black" cause i rushed it. Also most of my errors when generally typing is mainly from the keyboard delaying the keys or doing summfin weird where it skips letters.

 

But ffs seriously take it out of your FoeFiction section...wtf? u basically say "Fan Fic Forum Post your fan fics here!......So i can put them on Foe Fiction and have a good laugh cause u cant write as good as me" At least Ask for permission cause i dont want mine in it.

[CrabHelmet]

In other words, you hurriedly typed this out without proofreading it or otherwise doing the least bit of quality control. Brilliant.

 

And I'm afraid I'm not going to be removing it from Foe Fiction. I never review a story without the author's permission to give my opinion; I was able to review yours because I already had your permission - you gave me permission to give my commentary when you said "NOTE: I will accept criticism and critique". And I'm afraid that permission cannot be retroactively retracted. After all, it's pathetic to un-give permission to comment when the comments you receive are negative, and more to the point, I'm not going to render the time I spent writing my riffing null and void by caving in to your whining now - after all, I clearly put far more time, effort, and thought into my review than you did into your whole story.

[Ghoulish]

ok gimp, i was trying to calm the situation down but u obviously are gonna continue being a loser so ill be one to, Foe Fiction is far more then critisicm, its basically a thread for people to insult other members efforts, u think your so awesome cause your a moderator on a site. You honestly are the biggest loser ive talked to on this whole website,

 

""""In other words, you hurriedly typed this out without proofreading it or otherwise doing the least bit of quality control. Brilliant."""

 

R u all there in the head???? i clearly wrote "look, at the end of the day ill take my part of the reason for ur comment, I made a mistake i shouldn't have edited the prologue to be shorter. It was in script style which is why i changed it and missed places that needed editing ie: "everything is black" cause i rushed it. " Meaning IKNOW IM IN THE WRONG ON THAT PART.

I gave permission for critisicm in hope that it would be constructive not put in a thread to be made fun of. U seriously have no idea "Yea come on in and write your own fan fic!!!.......so i can post it in my thread and make fun of it, get a life. I dont consider an opinion being someone moving the post to a thread and making fun of it.