bakupenguin Posted July 31, 2010 Report Share Posted July 31, 2010 [spoiler=Chapter 1]"Hello Everyone!" Nekonome said as she walking into the classroom. "Today we have a very special announcement! We are going to an amusement park in the human world!" Everyone in the class whooped, except Tsukune. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He said aloud. "Tsukune! This is gonna be so FUN!!" Kurumu shouted as she ran up to him and gave him her usual hug, followed by the usual 'Clonk' of Yukari's basin falling out of the sky. "Joy." Mizore said in an unhappy manner. "What's wrong Mizore?" Asked Tsukune. "I think I know," Kurumu chimed in. "I think she's afraid of rollercoa-" CHINK! Suddenly, Kurumu was frozen in a block of ice. "We will be leaving tomorrow Students," Said Nekonome. "So pack your bags!" ~~ "I wonder What's wrong with Mizore?" Tsukune said to himself as he lay in bed that night. He felt a mixed felling of excitement and worry. "What If someone figures out the secret of Youkai academy? Or, what if by dumb luck I end up seeing my mom there. How am i gonna explain to her when she sees a bloodsucking vampire doing just that, sucking my blood." He fell asleep wondering what it will turn out like. ~~ "Morning Tsukune!" Said a cheerful Moka the next day as Tsukune was walking out of his dorm room. "Good morning Moka." He said. "Hurry!" She said." The bus is leaving in 5 minutes. "WHAT?! c'mon, we gotta go!" /he shouted grabbing her hand unconsciously and running toward the bus. The whole time Moka was blushing. "You kids arrived right on time. What took so long?" Asked the bus driver. "Oh, nothing." Replied Moka. "I was just getting Tsukune." "Well, now that we're all here, let's go!" The bus driver said as he hit the accelerator. "Yahoo..!" Kurumu yelled as they drove off into the tunnel. adding more chapters later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bakupenguin Posted August 2, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2010 BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erinyes Posted August 6, 2010 Report Share Posted August 6, 2010 First off, I'll like to say I know nothing about Rosario+Vampire. Now, if you have ever read a book with dialog, you should have seen when a character finishes talking and another begins, there are spaces in between the paragraph. You haven't done this, making reading chapter one a bit confusing, especially for someone, like myself, who knows nothing about Rosario+Vampire. Also, try to put in a bit more description, just so someone like myself can get a feel for the characters and the world they live in. For next chapter, touch up on these things and it will be much easier for the reader to enjoy your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bakupenguin Posted August 6, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2010 ok! thank a lot! most other people would say that is sucked or stuff like that, but this is actually helpful! Thank you and i will try on next chapter. but, could you post an example of what you are talking about? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordoftehNubz Posted August 7, 2010 Report Share Posted August 7, 2010 Erinyes, when referring to dialogue on separate lines, means things like this: "Hello Everyone!" Nekonome said as she walking into the classroom. "Today we have a very special announcement! We are going to an amusement park in the human world!" Everyone in the class whooped, except Tsukune. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He said aloud. "Tsukune! This is gonna be so FUN!!" It should probably be more like "Hello Everyone!" Nekonome said as she walking into the classroom. "Today we have a very special announcement! We are going to an amusement park in the human world!" Everyone in the class whooped, except Tsukune.* "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" He said aloud. "Tsukune! This is gonna be so FUN!!" though some people would add another line at the asterisk. I assume this sort of spacing is what you meant by asking for an example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erinyes Posted August 7, 2010 Report Share Posted August 7, 2010 LordoftehNubz pretty much summed up what I was trying to say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bakupenguin Posted August 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted August 7, 2010 ok thanks. now ill try it on 2nd chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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