My improved yugioh redemer

[lookatthatawesomecard15]

I made this fan fic to redeme myself. My last one was awful so I made this one really good with more detail about the charaters. This is chapter 1.

 

He stood alone. He has always stood alone. The only person he knew well enough to call a friend was his cousin Rashe. Rashe wasn’t just his friend, he was his guardian. At only seventeen years old he started taking care of Ritao. Ritao was always getting in trouble in school and was finally suspended. This was going to be the horrid beginning of two weeks without freedom. Two weeks alone.

 

He lay in his bed looking at the ceiling. There was an old paint stain there from when he tried to paint his room on his own. Rashe had gotten the paint off the walls but not that spot on the ceiling. Ritao turned his head to the right to see a yugioh deck sitting on his night stand. Rashe had given it to him a month ago, but Ritao was never interested in those kinds of things.

 

Collecting was just not his style. Why collect cards if you can’t do anything with them. He noticed a small piece of paper under the lamp on the night stand. He pulled it out and read the small print. How to Play Yugioh: Dueling Instructions.

 

“You can actually do something with these,” he whispered.

 

He spent half the day reading them, trying to understand the concept. When he finally thought he had it, he put the piece of paper down and looked at the time. 2:24. “I need to find someone to play this with me!” he exclaimed. He climbed out of bed and walked up to the door. He wasn’t supposed to be out of his room but he hoped Rashe would be forgiving.

 

He scurried down the long hallway and slowly turned the corner. There was no one in the kitchen or living room.

 

“Ritao!” he heard a voice call.

 

Ritao made a run for it! He dashed to the door and forced it open. The cool air felt good. He jumped into a tall bush and waited there. He held his cousins deck in his hands tightly. The bottom card was called Rashe – The Fire Hunter. It had 2000 attack points and 1000 defense points. Ritao thought it was strange the card had Rashe in the name.

[The Final Messenger]

spoilers, do this to make them so you can contain your chaps, sheesh

[spoiler=(insert text here)] [{/}spoiler] Take out everything in {} and replace everything in () with text of choice

[legendhiro]

its better than the last one by far, but still lacks in length.

[Twig]

Kinda short and fast paced. You can use some character description.

[Erinyes]

It is better than your last attempt at writing a Yugioh fanfic, but it seems that you just stopped writing mid-chapter. It doesn't seem to have a satisfying conclusion. I have no idea what these characters look like, but seeing as you stopped mid-chapter, character description may be coming, so I'll keep my mouth shut for now. Also, it isn't smart to name the only to characters currently in the story with the same letter, as it can get a little confusing the first few paragraphs. Also, there are a few grammar mistakes, but they are small, and if you reread it, you can probably spot most of them.