YU-Gi-OH! The Chance of Remption

[Ezmoe]

Hello YCmakerz. This is 1st fan fic. its called. YU-GI-OH! The Chance of Redemption.

Heres a little prologue for it.[spoiler= Prologue]

Jeice, Taking his supplies, was ready for the worse time of his life. Though, Jiang and Sagan, were taking their supplies as well his two brothers, weren't happy about this either. It was time for the Banishment. The 3 Brothers of the Setu famly, were about to be banished out of their own kingdom. Who could do such a thing? King Ra'el Setu. Their own father. Duel Monsters, a game played by children and adults, was tooken very seriously at the time. Though, in every card, there is a spirit.When a monster attacks you.Such as a warrior, you will feel the blade drive through you, falling down in eternal agony.This is why Jeice and his brothers are being banished. They did not Duel against King Ra'el. Their father is unbeatable at this game. Though after the banishment, the mother, Jane Setu, were able to place one legendary cards within Jeice, Jiang, and Sagan's deck. That was the last time the Setu brothers saw their own mother.The Father said the only way to regain their spots on the throne, was to beat him in Duel Monsters... This. Is. YU-GI-OH!The Chance of Remption!

 

[spoiler= Chapter one]

[spoiler= CH. 1]

Jeice and his brothers were lead out of the Setu Kingdom. Out in the Wasteland where people are trying to survive. Jeice, his supplies were Water. He Had a months worth of water canisters on his back. Jiang, carrying supplies of Wood, nails, hard rocks, and a Forging hammer. He was extremely strong. Sagan, was carrying food, he is nuetral. The three boys wandered off far away from Setu Kingdom.

 

After one week of walking, they hit a town. They decided to stay in the town for a while. Then one day they heard something about a myth in the forest behind the town. They wandered to the Forest with their Duel Monsters Decks. Then the most weirdest thing happened. Their Decks, they started moving... Jeice Looked in his Deck for the card mother gaven him. Jeice's Deck was made to burn his opponents.A fire Deck. Next, the card. It's picture, vanished. All of a Sudden, the card was walking. Not the card. But the spirit within it.Soon, Jiang and Sagan's Card spirit's were walking with them. No one noticed it until they turned around. Jeice was the 1st to notice his card's spirit.

Blazing Flame Warrior.Jeice's gift from mother, was heating up his body. his body tempature went through the Roof! He turned around two see a blade of flame pointing at his face.

Freaked out of his mind, Jeice stood still.

 

Second was Sagan, started hearing foot steps behind him. He turned around. Very quickly he covered his eyes, the Blade of Ji, The Warrior of Light was a glow to so powerful, It would blind people wearing protective eye glasses.

 

Third was Jiang, he felt a cold shrill down the back of his spine. He turned around to see a warrior of Powerful Dark energy.

 

All of them said their own card's name one by one.

 

Jeice spoke, "Blazing Flame Warrior?" Sagan spoke, "Ji, The Warrior of Light?" and Jiang spoke, "Dark Heart Warrior?" The three started to wonder if these cards had the power to deny reality. Each card answered, Blazing Flame Warrior said, "Please call me Blazing Flame." Ji, The Warrior of Light spoke,"Please, call me Ji." Dark Heart Warrior spoke, "I am called Dark Heart by many people, please call me that." Ji said, "Your mother asked us to help you three through you Banishment," he said, "As we entered your decks, we were ordered by using our energy, to empower your decks with the best cards depending on our elements. I, Ji, The Warrior of Light, empower you Sagan, with the power of light!"

*Sagan's deck transforms into a Deck of Blinding Light and glows of white light.*

Dark Heart speaks, "Jiang, I will bestow upon you a Deck of Mayhem and Darkness.The power of Darkness is within you and your cards!"

*Jiangs deck glows in purple and becomes a deck of Destruction.*

Blazing Flame says, "Last, but not least, Jeice, I bestow upon you a Deck of the Burning Rage."

"Now it is time to TEST!" says Blazing Flame says, "Jeice, Jiang, and Sagan, you must do a Three way duel. Whoever wins leads the group. Also this Duel will not kill you. For when you Duel in this forest, all monsters become spirits, never fading spirits. Their Blades will go through you, and you will not feel it. So let The Duel BEGIN!"

and That ends Chapter 1!

[Erinyes]

Okay. First, I only read the Prologue, which was considerably short, for starters. I wouldn't even consider it a prologue, but rather a summary. Second, rather than rushing to post the prologue and chapter one, I would suggest PROOFREADING, because if you understand basic English grammar, you will notice many errors when rereading it. But I'll give you props for calling it Duel Monsters rather than Yu-Gi-Oh.

[Ezmoe]

cool i guess

[DARKPLANT RISING]

You called it Duel Monsters. Something better.

But:

1. Your grammar is slightly off.

2. The plot makes no sense at all.

3. I'm going to review the Prologue.

Jeice, Taking his supplies, was ready for the worse time of his life.

An awesome way of begenning.

Though, Jiang and Sagan, were taking their supplies as well his two brothers, weren't happy about this either. It was time for the Banishment. The 3 Brothers of the Setu famly, were about to be banished out of their own kingdom. Who could do such a thing? King Ra'el Setu.

Who is Gary Stu.

Their own father.

Okay, half-Gary.

Duel Monsters, a game played by children and adults, was tooken very seriously at the time.

Though, in every card, there is a spirit.

Reason for "though"?

When a monster attacks you.Such as a warrior, you will feel the blade drive through you, falling down in eternal agony.

Period in wrong place. At least you didn't say "the sword slashes through you, and hurts you".

This is why Jeice and his brothers are being banished. They did not Duel against King Ra'el.

I don't see why this is connected.

Their father is unbeatable at this game. Though after the banishment, the mother, Jane Setu, were able to place one legendary cards within Jeice, Jiang, and Sagan's deck. That was the last time the Setu brothers saw their own mother.

Gary Stu./

The Father said the only way to regain their spots on the throne, was to beat him in Duel Monsters...

I thought he banished his sons for eternity. Or is he a nice guy?

This. Is. YU-GI-OH!The Chance of Remption!

A great cliffhanger.[/sarcasm]

[LordoftehNubz]

This fiction is madness.

 

Madness?

 

This. Is. YU-GI-OH!The Chance of Remption!

 

Ah, internet humour is funny.

 

 

In terms of the actual fiction:

• Choose to write in either present or past tense, then stay there.
  
• Ensure you're pluralising correctly.
  
• I'm not sure if it's best to have the cards in the text like that. It's very distracting.
  

 

Besides that, you should write more so people can critique you better. Keep it up.