The Quantum Contest

[ROBLOX101]

Yu-gi-oh Quantum Test

 

[spoiler=Chapter One: In The Beginning!]

 

“I attack with ULTIMATE P (6000 atk).” Shouted Harvey. He was Duelling James, his best friend, on an ice berg. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Shouted James. He fell to the floor, as still as a statue! “James? JAMES!” Said Harvey. Harvey rushes over to James who’s on the floor, face down. James’s face pops up, eyes burning red! He Pushes Harvey over into the water!

 

“Huh, what… what happened?” Asked Harvey. “Oh it was just a bad dream. I’ve got to stop drinking before I go to bed! Now, why is it so dark in here I can barely see!” He says as he bumps into the wall.

 

He rushed down the stairs. His mum was reading the newspaper. He peaked over her shoulder. “The Quantum Test?” he asks. “Yes,” said his mother. “You have to be in the top 15 duellist’s to enter.” Continues Harvey’s mother. “I’m outta here!” Shout’s Harvey. “Where are you going?” asked his mum. “To Become a top 15! I’ll phone you after my first duel!” He answered. Harvey rushes out the door. I’m going to do duel James. Rumour has it that James is the 17th best duellist.

 

*Knock knock knock!* James comes out. “What now?” asks James in a droopy way. “Let’s duel!” said Harvey. “Why the hell does ya’ want to duel ME! I’m the 17th best duellist in the world. Why ya’ being stupid?” Asks James. “Because I’ve heard about the Quantum Contest, known as QC and I’m playing to become the best of the best.” Repeats Harvey. “That’s stupid, why do ya’ wanna do that? It’s just a stupid contest.” Says Jake. “Cause’ I wanna win, Du’h!” Answered Harvey.

 

“Why are we duelling again? I forgot!” Asks James. “Because of the QC, the Quantum Contest!” Answers Harvey. “Oh yea’. But Im still confused about why you wanna do this” Continues James. “JUST SHUT UP AND DUEL ME!” Shouts Harvey as he gets REALLY angry. “OK, OK!” Says Jake.

 

 

“MY DRAW! I place 2 cards face down and summon Almighty Penguin Defence (ATK: 1500 DEF: 2000), and I end my turn!” Shouts Harvey as he plays. “DRAW! I summon A Knight (ATK: 1300 DEF: 1000). His effect is when this card is attacked; he gains 400 ATK and DEF! I end my turn.” Says James. “Dang it. DRAW! I summon Almighty Penguin Soldier (ATK: 1800 DEF: 2000). Attack my soldier.” Says Harvey. “I activate my knight’s effe…” Says James. “Ha. Mines got 100 more ATK than yours with the effect. Yours is destroyed.” Says Harvey as he butts in. “ARRGGHH!” Grunts James. “Attack him directly my defender.” Shouts Harvey. “ARRGGHH!” Grunts James again. Life Points are: J: 2500 H: 4000. “I end my turn.” Says Harvey.

 

“DRAW! I play Play Fusion from the Dead, which lets me fuse 2 cards from my hand and 1 card in the graveyard together. I choose A Knight from the graveyard, B Archer and C Boss from my hand to summon ABC Team (ATK: 2100 DEF: 1600) in defence mode! I end my turn!” Rushes James. “DRAW! I summon Almighty Penguin Scout (ATK: 1600 DEF: 1900)! And then I activate my face down card, Almighty Summon, which lets me tribute any Almighty cards. I choose Almighty Scout, Almighty Defence and Almighty Soldier to make… Almighty Tank (ATK: 3100 DEF: 2700)! I end my turn.” Shouts Harvey. “OK, you asked for it. DRAW! I play 3 A’s, which lets me summon 3 letters. And I choose A Knight, B Archer (ATK: 1700 DEF: 1700) and C Boss (ATK: 2000 DEF: 2100). Then I change ABC Team into attack mode. Then I play Fuse Attack, which lets me tribute half of 1 my monsters attacks together with another’s and I choose A Knight and ABC Team which makes ABC Team have 2950 ATK. I end my turn!” Says Jake as Harvey gets confused!

 

“DRAW! I play Leech Seed, which allows me to steal 1000 ATK from one of your monsters but I’ve gotta sacrifice 2000 LP, and I choose ABC Team which leaves it with 1950 ATK. Now attack him Almighty Tank! And I end my turn!” Shouts Harvey as he starts getting even MORE confused. Life Points are: J: 1450 H: 2000.

 

 

[FrogNinga]

To small.

 

Put in a spoiler box

[spoiler=How to do this]

you type [spoiler*Chapter 1]

but change the * into a =

then you put the text in

then you type [&spoiler]

but change the & into a /

 

 

[Erinyes]

There are a few things wrong with Chapter One, but the main thing that's bothering me is the constant switch between present and past tenses. You need to get proper grammar down (typos happen, but your writing should be about 95% perfect in terms of grammar most of the time) before anyone will take your writing seriously. Also, you should space out paragraphs between turns, and rather than just telling the duel, give description on the monsters, spells, or traps when they are summoned/activated to make it a little more interesting.

 

You also seem to have stopped in the middle of the chapter, or left us with a sudden cliffhanger, neither of which are very good. Cliffhangers in general are fine, but a sudden finish of the chapter mid-chapter is not.

[FrogNinga]

I agree with Erinyes. Maybe ask Mystery Guest, Crab Helmet, Pichu or Weather Report - Stand if they with do something to help.