I am not using this, so

[Stardust_Rose_Dragon]

Ehh, I am going to stop this story, and think about it before I write a new one. I am not using this now. Goodbye. ^_^

 

I can draw pictures great, but I can't write without redoing it 5-10 times. XD

[evilfusion]

Well, I'll inexplicably critique this, then.

 

So your entire chapter consisted of a character we know next to nothing about walking through the city, bumping into someone, who doesn't mind at all and gives her a card. After looking at the card, the main character talks to some sort of spiritual acquaintace (again, we know nothing about the character, her acquaintance, or the bracelet the acquaintance came from) and asked about the Dark Magician, prompting a gasp of "Yugi Mutou!"

 

So a summary of your story so far is:

 

-Random girl walking.

-Girl bumps into Yugi

-Yugi shrugs it off and gives her...HIS RAREST CARD. He gives his favorite and rarest card to a complete stranger with absolutely no explanation whatsoever.

 

Look, we know Yugi gave Judai/Jaden a Winged Kuriboh in GX. A card he's never used in the main series and so he can probably part with it without anyone being too weirded out by the generosity, but to give a stranger the Dark Magician, again, HIS RAREST and SIGNATURE card, is completely random and idiotic. Unlike in real life, the Dark Magician isn't an incredibly easy card to get.

 

About the rest of the story/chapter, you didn't give us any information about the character, her surroundings, the bracelet and that Kage person, didn't give any details whatsoever (despite Yugi having very noticeable hair that anyone should be able to recognize at a glance, the only description of him is "short boy"), has no noticeable plot or conflict, and is extremely short.

 

There is presently no incentive whatsoever to want to see what happens next because the beginning is uninteresting, mediocre, and doesn't make any sense as far as why Yugi gave a stranger his best card after meeting her for 3 seconds by her bumping into him and apologizing. Come to think of it, I don't remember Yugi ever giving away cards for no reason at all. He gave Joey Time Wizard to help his deck, but Joey's already a friend. He had a good feeling about Jaden, so gave him a Winged Kuriboh. He gave some random kid Heart of the Underdog, to help his deck. None of the cards he gave are extremely rare, signature cards that he himself used.

[Stardust_Rose_Dragon]

To evilfusion

 

Thanks for crituqing this!

 

I plan on rewriting this..... from scratch. X) I relized how jumpy it was, and the "short boy" description, I think it killed something in me after I read it. I'll try to use you tips as much as I can, so I may make this a little better.

 

I'm new to the entire Forums and FanFic area, so I'm very glad you reviewed this, and helped me understand my flaws.

 

I can draw pictures great, but I can't write without redoing it 5-10 times. XD