Pokemon Fanfic [Chapter 2 out?]

[~The Game~]

After an insanely long break I was thinking I should make a fanfic.

A pokemon fanfic sounded like an interesting decision.

Here would be a Prologue if I did.

Note that I guess this is slow for a prologue.

 

[spoiler=Prologue]THE STORY OF LIZZIE, THE MOOMOO RANCH GIRL~

 

My name is Lizzie. I grew up on my fathers ranch where we raise Miltank for fresh milk. But one day, I promise you this: I will become a Pokemon Master!

 

 

“Lizzie! Oh, Lizzie!” my mother had shouted. “Yeah, Ma? What is it?” I hollered back. I was sure she just wanted me to head out and feed the Torchic. But my Ma had something else in store for me that day. This is the start of my journey!

 

“Lizzie, be a dear and run this crate of MooMoo Milk over to the shop in Dewberry Town, would you?” she said in a sweet convincing manner. I sighed, but submissively agreed. “Anything for you, Ma. I’ll be back in time for supper.”

 

Now see, this isn’t like the video games. There’s no conveniently located professor to make sure you have a Pokemon before walking in tall grass. There’s no law against it. Most places that have Pokemon that could actually seriously harm you, like Ursaring for example, are either nature preserves or routes that are more out of the way. if you’re going a long distance, you should take one, but normally walking to a nearby town should be no big deal. And all we’ve got on this route are a few birds and creepy crawlers. Nothing serious. I needed something to nibble on to hold me off until supper, so I brought some bread, slathered with some tasty honey, harvested from a Combee nest in our yard. As I was walking along, about halfway out of the route, I noticed an elderly man on a ladder, picking pine cones. “Excuse me sir, you need any help? I’d be happy to help pick some pine cones for you. “Oh, that’s very sweet of you. If you insist.”

 

So I stepped up the ladder and, basket in hand, started picking the pine cones off the trees. I saw a pretty pine cone I thought maybe I’d keep for myself. I have a habit of keeping neat things I find out in the country area.This particular cone was a hazel-ish color. I plucked from the branch and nestled it into the basket.

 

But then, the cone had decided to hop out of the basket! It hobbled down the path, bobbing up and down, and into Dewberry Town. “Wait, I need you for my collection!” I had managed to shout while tripping down the ladder. Pine cones flew up out of the basket after I had tossed it, accidentally, during my fumble with the unique one. However, these pine cones lay dormant on the route’s floor, What made this cone so special?

 

To be cont...

 

[LordoftehNubz]

Why not? You'd do it regardless :P.

 

Your writing's fine, I see no reason to object on the basis of your writing. Just promise me one thing: please don't mention the video games in-universe. Please. It doesn't make sense for you to say it.

[~The Game~]

Why not? You'd do it regardless :P.

 

Your writing's fine, I see no reason to object on the basis of your writing. Just promise me one thing: please don't mention the video games in-universe. Please. It doesn't make sense for you to say it.

 

Didn't plan on it, just wanted to make that clear.

But thanks for the support.

I wouldn't do it anyway, actually.

I don't want to do it and in the long-run only be using up a spot on the page.

[LordoftehNubz]

Then what does this topic achieve? Are you going to write? Go ahead if you want. People will read. Just don't expect people to scream at you to start writing: I don't think that's how fanfiction works here. Write and you'll get fans; don't expect fans to get you to write.

[~The Game~]

Then what does this topic achieve? Are you going to write? Go ahead if you want. People will read. Just don't expect people to scream at you to start writing: I don't think that's how fanfiction works here. Write and you'll get fans; don't expect fans to get you to write.

I don't.

Ah well.

I just was trying to see if anyone would be interested.

But, what better way than to write?

Thanks for the input.

Now, do I let this thread die or use this thread for the fanfic?

[Jolta]

Seems like Painting the fourth wall...

 

Go ahead, maybe I'll get it once you write more...

[~The Game~]

Seems like Painting the fourth wall...

 

Go ahead, maybe I'll get it once you write more...

 

Painting the fourth wall?

Do you perhaps mean breaking the fourth wall?

[Jolta]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PaintingTheFourthWall

 

Maybe there's a diff. IDK.

[~The Game~]

They're similar-ish.

 

But that's really how I write o.o

[Jolta]

Ditto.

 

Unless its near impossible to.

[~The Game~]

Ditto.

 

Unless its near impossible to.

 

I feel like it helps connect with the reader, but it really isn't necessary, so I'll remember to try to minimize it for future chapters.

Also, as stated, Should I continue off this thread, or would it be best to give the story it's own thread?

[LordoftehNubz]

Continue. It's really not necessary to give this another thread.

 

And I think there's a difference between breaking the fourth wall and what you're describing in that prologue: breaking the fourth wall sort of admits that you're writing a story and the narrator/characters admit they're fictional; whereas your little device breaks another wall in that acknowledges that there's a "real world" that has games about the Pokemon universe in it. I'm sorry. I'm not explaining properly :(.

 

Also, it seems to come off better when you do it in a less direct way than "it's not like the games". For example, if I was to have a character in a Yugioh fanfic sarcastically remark about saving the world with a game of contract bridge.

 

Of course, some people like it. I don't mind, just don't do it every other paragraph if you want your characters taken seriously, though admittedly sometimes you don't. It depends on your tone.

[Twig]

Several problems here.

 

I hate the first paragraph. I really hate the first paragraph. It's just blatant exposition. What made me really hate it is when she said, "I will become a Pokemon Master!" I've heard it enough from Ash. I don't need to hear it over nine thousand times in Fan-Fiction. It's just horribly cliched.

 

Second, this doesn't sound interesting at all. I don't know, but a girl who finds a pine cone that moves(obviously a Pokemon) just sounds boring. Even the title is boring.

 

You also need to make a new paragraph is time a new person talks. Otherwise, it makes it confusing to read.

 

There's a tiny problem I'd like to mention since so many people make this mistake. You named it "Prologue", when it could be better as Chapter One. Remember that Prologues are optional to read. Prologues introduce the idea, the setting, the character, or something else to the reader without making it necessary to read. Your first paragraph is an example(although terrible) of what could be in a prologue.

 

The last problem is that there's no character description, so the readers are forced to imagine what Lizzie looks like on their own.

 

 

I'm not telling you to stop writing. I just want you to fix these problems, so it can be better.

[zzuxon]

Its a Pineco!! Love those little guys.

[~The Game~]

Several problems here.

 

I hate the first paragraph. I really hate the first paragraph. It's just blatant exposition. What made me really hate it is when she said, "I will become a Pokemon Master!" I've heard it enough from Ash. I don't need to hear it over nine thousand times in Fan-Fiction. It's just horribly cliched.

 

Second, this doesn't sound interesting at all. I don't know, but a girl who finds a pine cone that moves(obviously a Pokemon) just sounds boring. Even the title is boring.

 

You also need to make a new paragraph is time a new person talks. Otherwise, it makes it confusing to read.

 

There's a tiny problem I'd like to mention since so many people make this mistake. You named it "Prologue", when it could be better as Chapter One. Remember that Prologues are optional to read. Prologues introduce the idea, the setting, the character, or something else to the reader without making it necessary to read. Your first paragraph is an example(although terrible) of what could be in a prologue.

 

The last problem is that there's no character description, so the readers are forced to imagine what Lizzie looks like on their own.

 

 

I'm not telling you to stop writing. I just want you to fix these problems, so it can be better.

 

About the character, I want the readers to be able to imagine what she looks like, give them some freedom and such.

And it isn't a Pokemon fiction if you don't shout "I will become a Pokemon Master!". Be thankful I didn't ''*turns hat around lol*''

I have no idea what to title this as it is all I have written and there is not much to go off of.

And I have terrible paragraph spacing, I know. I know.

 

So, I have to go, because for some reason I volunteered to help paint a set for our town's production of Romeo and Juliet (I'm also one of the Watchmen >.>)

Peace, I'll write more later tonight.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Thank god you're back!

 

"I want to be a Pokemon Master" isn't really the way you would want to start off.

 

As for your storyline, I think it's getting nowhere near your normal character, and it's fairly boring. Maybe add a pinch of something unique and it'll get a lot more goodies.

[Twig]

About the character, I want the readers to be able to imagine what she looks like, give them some freedom and such.

 

I've never seen anyone do this, but okay. The problem is that the appearance of a character may become an important part of some chapter.

 

And it isn't a Pokemon fiction if you don't shout "I will become a Pokemon Master!". Be thankful I didn't ''*turns hat around lol*''

 

Not really. Not all Pokemon fics are journey fics(fics about kids starting a Pokemon journey).

 

I have no idea what to title this as it is all I have written and there is not much to go off of.

 

Well if you have no idea what the title should be, you don't know much about your own story. Think about what happens to Lizzie as the journey goes on. Think about what happens at the end. It can be "Rising Star", "Making of a Master", or some other generic journey fic title. It can even be something punny like "Following the Red-Bricked Road." Get it? Because Lizzie wants to be like Red. *shot*

 

And I have terrible paragraph spacing, I know. I know.

 

Just separate the dialogue, and it'll be fine.

 

So, I have to go, because for some reason I volunteered to help paint a set for our town's production of Romeo and Juliet (I'm also one of the Watchmen >.>)

Peace, I'll write more later tonight.

 

Cool.

[~The Game~]

Thank god you're back!

 

Lolwat.

Notsureifsarcasm.

 

Also,

[spoiler=Chapter 2, (since Apparently My Prologue is more of a chapter one)]

"Wait, come back here!" I hollered, flailing my legs rapidly in hopes of catching the strange pine cone.

 

Oof.

"Oh, 'scuse me. Wait, Lizzie? That you?"

"Huh?"

 

My head ached, bad. I peered up through my blurred vision.

"Oh, Serin!"

 

Serin is one of my Pa's friends. He lived in Dewberry Town, but occasionally stops by to chat.

He even helps out around the Ranch now and then.

 

--

 

"So, what're you doing out and about?" Serin looked at me quizzically.

 

I had managed to scrape myself something terrible, so he took me to his house to clean up my wounds.

 

"Shouldn't you be home eating supper with your family?"

 

Crap.

"Uh, I should, shouldn't I?"

"What were you out in Dewberry for, anyway?"

"Well,"

 

Do I bother bringing it up or not? I pondered. Maybe he could help, maybe he couldn't. It wasn't as if this were top-secret or anything.

But what if it is a Pokemon?

 

I've wanted a Pokemon since before I could remember. Sure, we've got cows. But I want one myself. One I can train and raise on my own. I really do want to go out and battle someday, maybe enter tournaments. They pay pretty well. But Pa says that's no way to make a living. But I'll show him. I just can't tell Serin. He's nice and all, but he'd let Pa and Ma know.

 

"Well...?"

"I came to deliver MooMoo Milk to the shop here."

"That's funny, I don't see any milk."

"That's because I already delivered it."

 

Just relax, Lizzie. Calm down.

 

"Then why were you running into town?"

"I forgot my bag."

"Well, let's go look for it."

 

Yikes, what now?

We left and walked in circles around town in search for something that didn't exist.

This could not end well.

 

 

Wow, this is turning out to be pretty lackluster. It's just kind of filler I guess.

But I wanted to introduce Serin, an important character later in the story.

You're average big guy. Good friends with Lizzie's family.

 

I'll probably put up a Ch. 3 later, but this writer's block is killing me.

Maybe because I've never written a fanfic of Pokemon before.

 

But maybe I can make something of this, who knows.

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Lolwat.

Notsureifsarcasm.

 

I'm not being sarcastic. With the banning of Larxane, we need someone like you.

[~The Game~]

With the banning of Larxane

 

first, I think it was Larxene?

I may be wrong.

 

Second, Aww, thanks :>

 

Third, LARXENE WAS BANNED?!

[DARKPLANT RISING]

first, I think it was Larxene?

I may be wrong.

 

Second, Aww, thanks :>

 

Third, LARXENE WAS BANNED?!

Yes, she was. Double accounting, appearently. Her clone seemed cool two. I went to her intro, and these were the words I saw:

Get the hell out of my introduction.

On the account of her name's spelling... I know it's Larxene, but for some reason I always spell it Larxane.

[~The Game~]

Yes, she was. Double accounting, appearently. Her clone seemed cool two. I went to her intro, and these were the words I saw:

Get the hell out of my introduction.

On the account of her name's spelling... I know it's Larxene, but for some reason I always spell it Larxane.

 

Ah, i see.

But noone can replace her.

Not even me o.o

[DARKPLANT RISING]

Ah, i see.

But noone can replace her.

Not even me o.o

Even so, you're the closest being I've seen here.

[~The Game~]

How so?

I don't think my fanfiction is a proper comparison to a being.

But, thanks.