LOCK.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Closed due to my childish fear of being copied.

[Juuzou]

dun Dun DUUUUN.

 

I like it, but hopefully we'll get some plot in the first chapter.

[John A. Zoidberg]

We will.

The prologue was just to give a tiny basis of how the entire story started.

[grassman131]

pretty good, i will be glad as more comes

[John A. Zoidberg]

Yup. This is just explaining the start of the entire story so no one's like "Wtf how did this even start?!"

[grassman131]

I was thinking aof starting a fan fic, bt Im not sure if people would like it. Its about a girl who takes a book shes not supposed to. Its a scary story reminiscent of RL Stine

[John A. Zoidberg]

Like... Goosebumps?

Start it. But I can't guarantee I, personally, will like it. As I hated Goosebumps.

[grassman131]

Okay, will get working on typing it. I already have most of it written, but it will probably be really short, like 3 or 4 chapters. Even less if no one likes it.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Well, do it. Writing a Fanfic is really fun.

Also, new thing added. I don't really NEED new characters, but if you'd like to apply for a character you made to be in the story, I'll consider it and credit you for the character.

[grassman131]

Ill do it =)

Name:Charles Carson

Age:24

Personality:Funny with an optimistic attitude. He is obedient but will stand up for what he believes in.

Appearence:Slightly chubby. Always wears his uniform and is the medic of his squad. His uniform barely fits.

Other:His motto is "im not fat, im pleasingly plump." and is enraged when called fat, fatty, chubby, or anything else that implies he weighs a lot.

Side:The Rebellion

[John A. Zoidberg]

Ill do it =)

Name:Maninko Carson

Age:24

Personality:Funny with an optimistic attitude. He is obedient but will stand up for what he believes in.

Appearence:Slightly chubby. Always wears his uniform and is the medic of his squad. His uniform barely fits.

Other:His motto is "im not fat, im pleasingly plump." and is enraged when called fat, fatty, chubby, or anything else that implies he weighs a lot.

 

I'd prefer names that you would commonly hear in an English type area 1000 years ago. Not Japanese-sounding names. That, and you forgot the Side part of it. So, for now, "Maninko" isn't accepted.

[grassman131]

edited, hope you like him better now

[John A. Zoidberg]

Accepted. But, it'll be very long before he's used.

[grassman131]

its fine

[John A. Zoidberg]

Chapter 1 added

[Fader]

i like it!

[John A. Zoidberg]

Thanks!

But trust me, this is just the beginning. It's gonna get awesome :D And have a bit of a "horrific twist" to it.

[Juuzou]

There are a few things I don't like about it.

 

-things are phrased awkwardly

 

-It's pretty generic

 

-It has very little substance.

 

Other than these three things, It has a lot of potential. keep it up.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Thanks! :D

I might have chapter 2 up in a little bit. And also, could you point out exactly what's phrased awkwardly?

And has far as generic-ness and substance, the first few chapters may be a little dull, but I'll try to pick up suspense and thrill soon. I'll at least add some tension. And, do you think I'm overusing the dramatic irony with the main character not even knowing that the king killed his dad?

 

Chapter 2 and poll added.

[Death Metal]

It's not bad. Kinda reminds me of a Warhammer novel.

 

 

In my perspective, Issac's potential was revealed a bit too early for my liking (and in an almost cliché way)... but it doesn't take away from the story too much. If I could, I would suggest that you add some supporting characters with similar (but ultimately weaker) powers to Issac's so that you can't prevent the story from circling around him too much. It might be a bit early to judge that aspect but I figured that every ounce of feedback helps. :'D

 

 

I am looking forward to some new chapters soon. The plot-line looks promising.

[John A. Zoidberg]

Thanks!

Maybe I should make Isaac get utterly pummeled in chapter 2 and maybe not give a sign of him being strong until around 3 or 4?

And as far as supporting characters, I'm not sure how noticeable of supporting characters they were, but Lucas, Frederick, Harold, and Peter all sorta seemed like they had potential to be supporting characters to me.

[Phantom M.C.]

Name: Henry Godrick

Age: 80

Gender: Male

Appearance: a really old dude, just search up a pic of gandolf

Background: royal historian and librarian for the past 60 years. he is Extremely intelligent and has a curious nature. He fortifies his house with booby traps and a moat (just cause he was bored). Henry was born into a peasant family, but his genius at researching and inventing earned him a spot in the royal library at the early age of 10. At the age of 20, he invented the catapult ;D, and became the new royal historian and librarian.

Personality: a pessimistic, Henry is very protective of his books and will literally rip someones head off if they are damaged. He is also short-tempered and makes bad jokes.

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): what rebellion? what about "King Matthew of Zreihiem" sorry if this sounds stupid

 

and WAIT, christopher = king christian? how did i not realize that >_<

 

i like the story so far, but the transitions between scenes seem a bit awkward, keep up the good work though, i'll be watching this topic for any new chapters

 

[John A. Zoidberg]

Name: Henry Godrick

Age: 80

Gender: Male

Appearance: a really old dude, just search up a pic of gandolf

Background: royal historian and librarian for the past 60 years. he is Extremely intelligent and has a curious nature. He fortifies his house with booby traps and a moat (just cause he was bored). Henry was born into a peasant family, but his genius at researching and inventing earned him a spot in the royal library at the early age of 10. At the age of 20, he invented the catapult ;D, and became the new royal historian and librarian.

Personality: a pessimistic, Henry is very protective of his books and will literally rip someones head off if they are damaged. He is also short-tempered and makes bad jokes.

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): what rebellion? what about "King Matthew of Zreihiem" sorry if this sounds stupid

 

and WAIT, christopher = king christian? how did i not realize that >_<

 

i like the story so far, but the transitions between scenes seem a bit awkward, keep up the good work though, i'll be watching this topic for any new chapters

 

Oops, King Christian was meant to be King Christopher. My oopsie. The rebellion kicks in later in the story. At part 2. And King Matthew is a minor character. His stuff won't be very beneficial to the story itself.

[Death Metal]

Thanks!

Maybe I should make Isaac get utterly pummeled in chapter 2 and maybe not give a sign of him being strong until around 3 or 4?

And as far as supporting characters, I'm not sure how noticeable of supporting characters they were, but Lucas, Frederick, Harold, and Peter all sorta seemed like they had potential to be supporting characters to me.

 

 

Everybody has potential.

 

You just got to apply it in the coming chapters. It's a bit too early to add supports anyways, friends are won on the battlefield... not in military training. ;)

[Phantom M.C.]

Name: Henry Godrick

Age: 80

Gender: Male

Appearance: a really old dude, just search up a pic of gandolf

Background: royal historian and librarian for the past 60 years. he is Extremely intelligent and has a curious nature. He fortifies his house with booby traps and a moat (just cause he was bored). Henry was born into a peasant family, but his genius at researching and inventing earned him a spot in the royal library at the early age of 10. At the age of 20, he invented the catapult ;D, and became the new royal historian and librarian.

Personality: a pessimistic, Henry is very protective of his books and will literally rip someones head off if they are damaged. He is also short-tempered and makes bad jokes.

Side (Sathien Army or The Rebellion): Sathien side then

 

is this ok?