TTR~ Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Taking place years after the events in Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's, this story is about 15 year old Gage Ikuji, a Ra Yellow at Duel Academy. [spoiler=Characters] [i]Note: More characters will be added as the story coninues.[/i] [spoiler=Protagonists] [spoiler=Gage Ikuji] Age: 15 Gender: Male Appearance: A little above average in height, has brown medium-length hair, and lime green eyes. Wears the standard Ra Yellow uniform. Background: Grew up in a hardcore duelist family, he learned excellent duel skills from his older brother. His parents want him to graduate Dueling Academy with flying colors, just like his brother. Personality: Extremely cheery, always has a positive attitude. He will never say no to a duel, and is always hungry for a challenge. Uses a Jinzo Deck. [/spoiler] [/spoiler] [spoiler=Antagonists] [/spoiler] [spoiler=Minor] [spoiler=Dr. Huffington] Age: 30 Gender: Male Appearance: Rather tall and a little overweight. Wears a grey version of the Academy's uniform. Has hair that looks slightly like koala's ears. Background: Has a PhD in Dueling and Gage is his favorite student. Uses a Dizzy Deck. [/spoiler] [spoiler=Tommy Underwood] Age: 14 Appearance: Short for his age, has blue-green hair and wears big glasses. Background: A Slifer Red, If he can defeat Gage in a duel he'll become a Ra Yellow. Uses a Bug Deck. [/spoiler] [/spoiler] [/spoiler] [Spoiler=Chapter 1: Swarm] “That concludes our lesson for today class, Gage Ikuji, could you come and see me please?” Dr. Huffington said. I’m Gage, and I’m a Ra Yellow at Duel Academy. Before I start telling this story, I’d like you to know that I was a self-centered, overconfident, unappealing student. Opponents were just fools to me. The only person that really liked me was Dr. Huffington because I got good scores on tests. I eventually changed, but that’s not important right now. “Gage, I need you to duel a Slifer Red.” Dr. Huffington said. “Is this a Ra acceptance duel?” I asked. “Indeed. Meet me tomorrow after class at the Duel Field.” “Sure thing teach!” I said as I raced back to my dorm to perfect my combos. The next day after class I went to the Duel Field. There were a couple of Slifers there whom I assumed were friends of my opponent. There were also a large amount of Ra students there. “Ah, you came,” Dr. Huffington said in his booming voice. “your opponent is over there.” Then he pointed to a geek with blue-green hair and huge glasses. Ew, I thought. I got up on the field then faced my opponent. “My name’s Tommy Underwood! Prepare for the stinging of a lifetime!” he snickered. “Hope you don’t have anything against creepy-crawlies!” “Eh, lets get this over with.” I told Dr, Huffington. “Very well, you may begin.” “Duel!” we said in unison. [b](Gage 4000/Tommy 4000)[/b] “Me first, draw! I place a monster in face-down Defense Position. Next place one card face down. End turn!” “Draw! I activate Ookazi, which means you lose 800 Life Points, next I activate the Continuous Spell Burning Land! With this card, we each loose 500 Life Points each Standby phase.” Then a fire engulfed us. “Now, I summon Jinzo #7 (ATK 500/DEF 400) and equip him with Gravity Axe – Grarl witch increases his ATK by 500 (ATK 1000/DEF 400). Now Jinzo #7, attack him directly!!” “W-w-wait a second!! I have a monster on my side of the field!” he shouted. “Sorry, but Jinzo #7 can attack you directly!” I laughed. “What!?” Then Jinzo #7 jumped over his face-down and cut him with his axe. “I place one card face down and I end my turn.” The fire scorched Tommy and gave him 500 points of damage. [b](Gage 4000/Tommy 1700)[/b] “Y-you Ra Rat! Draw! I Flip-Summon my Man-Eater Bug!” “No you’re not! My Gravity Axe has another ability, thanks to it you can’t change the Battle Position of your monsters!” “Grr …. Very well, I Summon Insect Knight (ATK 1900/DEF 1500)! Now my Knight, cut down his Jinzo!” The bug then charged for my Jinzo and when he tried to cut him, sharp spikes protruded from my Jinzo’s body and stabbed his knight. “What!?” “I activated Sakuretsu Armor, which destroys your bug.” Now I was the one snickering. “Gaaah! I a-activate Michizure! Thanks to this, whenever a monster on my field gets destroyed, I can destroy one monster on the field! And I choose that pesky Jinzo #7!” Then a little fissure opened below my Jinzo, and Insect Knight grabbed him and pulled him to the Graveyard. Hmmm.. This kid might be Ra material after all. “I place one card face-down and end my turn..” he said. The fire got me and I lost 500 Life Points. “Draw!” I looked over the Foolish Burial I just drew. “I activate Foolish Burial, which lets me send one monster from my Deck to the Graveyard.” I looked through my cards and sent my Jinzo to the Graveyard. “Now I Summon my Jinzo – Returner (ATK 600/DEF 1400) in Attack Mode, and I attack your face-down Man-Eater Bug!” “What are you getting at!?” he half asked and half shouted. “Even though Jinzo – Returner can attack you directly, I think he’d rather be in the Graveyard.” The Jinzo – Returner tried to attack it, but it just swallowed him whole, destroying both of them. “Now I activate Jinzo – Returner’s effect, when he’s destroyed I get to Special Summon a Jinzo in my Graveyard! Now Jinzo, come forth!” Then Jinzo suddenly appeared on my side of the field (ATK 2400/DEF 1500). “Now finish him! I attack directly!!” “Hold up! I activate my face-down Magic Cylinder!” “Hahahaha!!!!” I thought I was going to bust a gut. “W-what’s so funny!” he demanded. “I thought a Slifer like you would [i]at least[/i] know Jinzo’s ability! You can’t activate any Trap cards, and the effects of ones already activated can’t be used!” “Impossible! No no no no no noooo!” The Jinzo created a black energy ball and shot it at Tommy. [b](Gage 3500/Tommy 0)[/b] “You! You’ll regret this!! I’m going to make you pay, make you suffer, make you writhe when I get my revenge!!” he practically screamed. Then Dr. Huffington had to take him to his office. I felt smug after that duel. I went back to my dorm and ate dinner like a king. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moppmoppmopp Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Lol. That nerd was beaten hard. Keep whriting down those little words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTR~ Posted November 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilfusion Posted November 7, 2010 Report Share Posted November 7, 2010 Okay, I have a few comments: [quote name='Sugar' timestamp='1289166306' post='4769783'] [Spoiler=Chapter 1: Swarm] "And that concludes our lesson for today class, Gage Ikuji, could you come see me please?" Dr. Huffington said. That's me, Gage. I'm a Ra Yellow at the world famous Duel Academy, and if I do say so myself, I'm the best duelist in this school. (I still don't get why they put me in Ra Yellow.) I could cream anyone with my skills. [b]Wonderful, a super-arrogant protagonist but only a Ra-class student. I'm not sure whether I like him for not being a Slifer/Obelisk, or be annoyed that his attitude is that of an Obelisk.[/b] That's why I was ecstatic when Dr. Huffington told me this: "Gage, I need you to duel a Slifer." "Why, is it an entrance duel to Ra Yellow?" "Exactly, after class to tomorrow meet me at the Duel Field." "Sure thing teach!" I said cheerfully. Now, I don't like that that I hafta keep a Slifer from becoming a Ra, but I haven't dueled in front of an audience in a while. I stayed up late that night perfecting my combos. [b]He actually uses "hafta" in his thoughts?[/b] The next day after class, I met Dr. Huffington at the Duel Field. The place was filled to the brim with students. My adrenalin started pumping and I was ready to duel, but when I saw my opponent, my excitement dropped. He was short and looked like a complete nerd. [b]Quite the turnout for a mere Slifer promotion test.[/b] Oh, I forgot to tell you that Duel Academy doesn't to the Duel Runner thing, only East Academy does. [b]This is extremely randomly placed and irrelevent to the scene.[/b] Then Principle Johnson announced us, and I found out my opponent's name was Tommy Underwood... I know I've heard that name some where else before but that's not the point. Next thing I knew the duel started. [b]Principal Johnson, you mean. And this guy is evidently a Weevil descendant. How...creative.[/b] [b]Gage: 4000 Tommy: 4000[/b] "Me first!" the runt said. "Draw!" He examined the card. "I place one monster face down in Defense Mode." Then he put one card in the Spell/Trap Zone. "I end my turn." "Draw!" I examined it, then smiled. I had the perfect combo set up. "I activate Foolish Burial!" I looked through my deck and sent my Jinzo to the Graveyard. "Next I summon Jinzo - Returner (ATK 600/DEF 1400) in Attack Mode, then I equip him with Unstable Evolution wich makes his ATK 2400!" I laughed at how perfect my moves are. [b]Unfortunately, Gage can't read. Unstable Evolution, like Megamorph, has absolutely no effect if both player's LP is equal.[/b] "Now I attack you directly!!' "W-wait!! I have a monster on the field!" he shouted. "Jinzo - Returner can attack you directly!" I said smuggly. "Oh no!!" Jinzo - Returner then jumped and shot an energy ball at Underwood. [b]Gage: 4000 Tommy: 1600[/b] "Luckily for you Unstable Evolution has a drawback. If your Life Points are lower than mine, Jinzo - Returner's ATK becomes 1000. End turn." (Hehehe, if he destroys my Jinzo - Returner I get to Special Summon my Jinzo in my Graveyard!) [b]Okay, so Gage CAN read, just has selective reading skills.[/b] "Now! I activate my face down card!!" Uh-oh, I said to myself. "DNA Surgery! I get to declare 1 monster type, then all face up monsters on the field become that type! I choose Insect!" "Why would he do that?" "Next I Flip Summon my Man-Eater Bug! (ATK 450/DEF 600)" Ha! That fool! That's just gonna let me summon my Jinzo! "Now destroy his Jinzo - Returner!" Excellent. "Now I activate my Jinzo - Returner's other effect! I get to Special Summon the Jinzo from my Graveyard!" The I watched as the horrific Jinzo crawled out of the graves and stepped toward my side of the field. (ATK 2400/DEF 1500) "Hahaha! Won't do you any good because I play Insect Barrier! Now Insect monsters on your field can't attack!" I laughed extremely hard. "What's so funny!?" "I thought a Slifer like you would at least know Jinzo's effect. All Trap cards are negated, even the one's already played." [b]Gage forgets a Jinzo Special Summoned by Jinzo-Returner's effect is destroyed during the End Phase, but then again, he might just be trying to intimidate his foe. Or is simply that arrogant.[/b] "W-w-well I'm not out yet!" Then he showed me his Polymerization. "I fuse my Man-Eater Bug with my Thousand-Eyes Idol and Insect Knight that are in my hand to summon the terrible Thousand-Eyes Moth!!!" [img]http://img44.imageshack.us/img44/6007/210438.jpg[/img] "Now destroy that disgusting Jinzo!" The that disgusting moth flapped his wings and my Jinzo was destroyed. "Now my Insect Barrier can work! End Turn!" [b]Gage: 3400 Tommy: 1600[/b] "Draw! Perfect! I activate Mystical Space Typhoon and destroy your DNA Surgey!" "Oh no.." "I play the card Misfortune! Which means that you take half the ATK of a monster on your side of the field as damage and I choose your pretty little moth!" "Why you Ra Rat!" [b]Gage: 3400 Tommy: 100[/b] "I place two card face down and end my turn." "Grrr.. I play Monster Reincarnation and get my Insect Knight back to my hand." He looked over his hand a couple of times. "Now I summon my Insect Knight!" (ATK 1900/DEF 1500) "Those two face down cards don't look too good. End turn!" "Good choice, draw! I activate Pot of Greed!" I looked over my two new cards. [b]Are you *bleeping* kidding me? Why is Pot of Greed here?[/b] "This duel is over! I play Ookazi, which gives you 800 points of damage!" [b]...wow...he carries Ookazi in his deck. That's not anti-climactic in the slightest. Why did he use Pot of Greed again? He only needed one card! You could have just had him DRAW Ookazi instead of Pot of Greed.[/b] "NOO! No no no no!!!" [b](Gage: 3400 Tommy:0)[/b] [b]Similarly stupid in that in 99% of Yugioh duels, there is an unwritten rule that facedown cards will inevitably be used up before a duel is allowed to end. It's a rule of conversation of detail. The fact you set cards but didn't use them EXCEPT for Tommy to back off from attacking feels sloppy. Also, most Yugioh duelists will attack regardless of Traps, so it feels like an even weaker outcome.[/b] "And the winner is Gage!" the principle announced. "Nice duel." I said trying to make it an apology. "Shut-up! I want a rematch!! And this time I'll destroy you!!!" After those word I just left the stadium. I felt like someone was watching me for the rest of the day. [b]Did I mention Tommy is so related to Weevil? He even uses the same freaking cards and elitist attitude. But he's a SLIFER. You know, the group with very low confidence, indicating they're actually horrible at the game 9/10?[/b] [/spoiler] [/quote] Hmm...so far, I see a rather unlikeable, arrogant protagonist with an unexplored deck. We saw, what...five cards of his deck? Jinzo-Returner, Jinzo, Unstable Evolution, Foolish Burial, Misfortune, Pot of Greed, and Ookazi. Okay, seven cards. We see nothing about his deck type or strategy, aside from it has some sort of Burn strategy involved. There were a number of mild spelling errors and at least one mistake in the duel. It broke the unwritten rule regarding Set Cards and their obligatory activation, was a complete Curb Stomp of a Duel in the protagonist's favor, used Pot of Greed unnecessarily (yeah, that costs points, because Pot of Greed is banned, generic, and the player using it did NOT need more cards for a combo). The writing itself is...okay, but so far it's rather generic. It's like a typical entrance-exam style, except the protagonist is on the other side. Even though the situation is different from the usual, it's not more interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTR~ Posted November 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 [quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1289174105' post='4770285'] Okay, I have a few comments: Hmm...so far, I see a rather unlikeable, arrogant protagonist with an unexplored deck. We saw, what...five cards of his deck? Jinzo-Returner, Jinzo, Unstable Evolution, Foolish Burial, Misfortune, Pot of Greed, and Ookazi. Okay, seven cards. We see nothing about his deck type or strategy, aside from it has some sort of Burn strategy involved. There were a number of mild spelling errors and at least one mistake in the duel. It broke the unwritten rule regarding Set Cards and their obligatory activation, was a complete Curb Stomp of a Duel in the protagonist's favor, used Pot of Greed unnecessarily (yeah, that costs points, because Pot of Greed is banned, generic, and the player using it did NOT need more cards for a combo). The writing itself is...okay, but so far it's rather generic. It's like a typical entrance-exam style, except the protagonist is on the other side. Even though the situation is different from the usual, it's not more interesting. [/quote] thank you for the criticism. I will correct my mistakes in the near future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moppmoppmopp Posted November 8, 2010 Report Share Posted November 8, 2010 [quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='' post=''] We see nothing about his deck type or strategy, [/quote] I think he Said pretty early it was a Jinzo-deck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilfusion Posted November 9, 2010 Report Share Posted November 9, 2010 Well, I didn't read the character info until just now. I only read the story itself, and made my criticisms on what I saw in the story itself. What deck Gage runs is not covered in the story. And even so, the only indication it's a Jinzo deck is Jinzo, and Jinzo-Returner. That's not enough evidence to call it a Jinzo deck. Every other card in the deck we saw (we saw a total of seven cards) show nothing about the deck style. I could easily jump to the conclusion he runs a Jinzo deck because the only monsters he played were Jinzo cards. But I could just as easily assume he runs a Burn deck, since two of the Spells he played inflicted Burn damage. I think the duel should have been longer, to better flesh out Gage's style and strategy, not to mention personality. What we got isn't enough. Dueling in Yugioh fics does SO much for the characters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTR~ Posted November 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 10, 2010 evilfusion, in the next chapter Gage is gonna go through some character developement, and he won't be using a Jinzo deck anymore. His next duel will show more about his deck type. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTR~ Posted November 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted November 11, 2010 Improved Ch. 1 is out now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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