Yu-Gi-Oh! SF Enforcers! Chapter 1: Graduation a New Beginning! Part 1: Yurai the #2 Added, by Bluster Soldier

[Ghoulish]

[center][size="7"][font="Impact"]Yu-Gi-Oh![/font][/size]
[size="5"][color="#FFFF00"][font="Impact"]S[/font][/color][color="#00FF00"][font="Impact"]F[/font][/color] [font="Impact"][color="#FF8C00"]Enforcers[/color][/font][/size][/center]

[center]Hey this is my latest Fan-Fic that I'm hoping will get at least some support, it takes place a while after 5D's and hosts original characters and cards. I won't appreciate any unhelpful comments so please when critiquing try to focus on how to help me improve. Anyway please enjoy and comment if read thankyou.[/center]

[center][spoiler=Prologue]

“His alot better than I ever imagined.”

A large riding duel arena hosted filled seats surrounding the racing rink. The surrounding grandstand bore with it hundreds of students watching eagerly as a contested riding duel took place. The students were a mix of teenagers and younger, all wearing white collared shirts with green ties and green pants. Over their shirts they wore green collared tight jackets that bore a school symbol on the left side.

The rink stood next to a giant school that displayed a big sign on the top of the giant uniquely oval shape building depicting the words “Shining Finish Academy.” The cheers of the students in the stands rang through the area as a mix of the students called the name of their preferred to win duellist.

The 2 duellists on the oval track were riding identical D-Wheels that bore the same symbol as the student’s jackets, a star with the letters “SF” in the centre. The D-Wheels were white and had shades of green on the sides.

“I’ve been preparing for too long.”

The sky was a magnificent blue, it rested peacefully next to the glistening rays of the golden sun, lighting up the duelling scene with brilliance. An announcer box stood in the centre of the giant close to filled out grand stand. Inside was a male and a female student, each of their spoken words would coursed through the speakers along the sides of the duel rink, projecting their thoughts and views.

“All my efforts are riding on this card.”

A giant screen hovered over the pit stops at the centre of the rink displaying a picture of a discontent 18 year old with black hair and shades of brown and with 2 strains going down over his ears, it showed the name Tiron. Underneath was the picture of a smiling 18 year old with Red hair and shades of orange, he had 4 thin orange strains going down the middle of his face, the name displayed was Yurai.

Both students wore white wet suit like protective clothing and white and green helmets. The boy known as Yurai rode close to 10 metres behind the boy known as Tiron. On Yurai’s field was but a single face down card and in front, a mid-sized warrior with gold armour and big light blue hologram designed wings. A small green screen stood next to it revealing it had 1000 ATK.

[spoiler=Excellion Harbinger]
[img]http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/8086/213134f.jpg[/img] [/spoiler]

Yurai looked with slight frustration at the D-Wheel in front of him, Tiron, the other duelist seemed to pay no attention as he continued riding on.

Clenching the grip of the acceleration tightly Yurai pulled it back causing the D-Wheel to accelerate and become parallel to Tiron’s D-Wheel. The 2 D-Wheels rode swiftly next to each other.

Tiron turned to face Yurai who was to his left.

“It was pointless from the start.” Tiron called with the intended tone of assurance. “There can only be 1 number 1…” Tiron then pointed his thumb against his chest as a mocking smirk surfaced. “Me!”

“Grrr…” Yurai growled as he then glanced at Tiron’s field a giant Crystallic blue Basilisk made of rock, stood on the centre of his field. The display revealed it had 2800 ATK and was level 8. It had a giant tail with crystal like sharp stones through it. He also had 1 card face-down in his Spell & Trap Zone.

Yurai thrusted his right arm to his right “Excellion Harbingers effect! I can Special Summon 1 level 4 or lower monster from my graveyard if you control a monster with 2000 or more ATK.”

Tiron grinned. “What good will that do you!?”

“Come back Infertus Knight!” suddenly a fire ball formed next to The gold warrior, the ball than morphed and formed into a red and white small warrior holding a long red and gold sword. The display revealed the Summoned monster had 1500 ATK.

[spoiler= Infertus Knight]

[img]http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/9676/213134c.jpg[/img][/spoiler]

The D-Wheels accelerated through the corner neither giving an inch and staying in line with the other.

“Could we be seeing a Synchro Summon?!” the announcer questioned into the microphone. “Yurai the current #2 and Tiron the current #1! This duel will determine the final outcome!”

“Face down activate!” Yurai called, suddenly the face down card flipped up revealing a Spell Card called “Excel’s Advance”.

Suddenly a bright 2 metre wide stream beam of light was emitted from the spell card that shone above Yurai’s monsters, suddenly Excellion Harbinger and Infertus Knight jumped into the air and into the light, they were met by a very small gold plated hair ball with a shield on its back that appeared to jump from the Spell Card, once the 3 touched the light turned brighter causing Yurai to call out.

“Descended to act on behalf of the divine, uncompared just on level with Salvation! Inherit my beliefs!.... Excel Synchro! Ascent Dragon! Suddenly the shadow of a dragon became visible in the bright light.


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[size="5"][color="#FFFF00"][font="Impact"]S[/font][/color][color="#00FF00"][font="Impact"]F[/font][/color] [font="Impact"][color="#FF8C00"]Enforcers[/color][/font][/size]
[/spoiler]
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[spoiler= Chapter 1: Graduation! A New Beginning!]
[spoiler=Part 1: Yurai the #2]
A bright sunny day promised satisfaction to the students of shining Finish Academy, many of the students had just started waking up and putting on their uniforms. There was a lot of commotion on the school grounds, as crowds of students all assembled and made their way towards the giant duelling rink that stood on the east side of the academy grounds.

“So today’s the big day huh?” One student would say.

“Yup #1 against #2! This should be great!” Another would reply.

This was no ordinary Shining Finish Academy day, it was the end of the year, which meant the Grade 12 Seniors would all be finishing their time at the academy when this day came to an end.

The well renowned duelling academy Shining Finish stood in the north district of Neo Domino City, with it bore 100’s of students all of which learned about duelling and duelling mechanics. Within this academy’s large area stood dorms, all of which separated the students by gender and by age.

The academy could be seen from all 4 corners of Neo Domino City, there were 5 levels to the giant Red and blue Semi-Circle Structure, and 3 ground levels leading to the front entrance of the academy. Lush Paves of green grass welcomed anyone at the front gate of the academy which was then met by a smooth cement path accompanying 3 different levels of stairs.

There were 6 dorm areas separated and spread around the academy grounds, each area bore with it many separate dorm rooms spread in that specific area.

Within the Dorms in the Grade 12 area of the academy grounds, the Northern area, a boy, in his late teens wearing an unbuttoned white collared shirt, with a loose tie and green shorts sat on a chair in the middle of his room he had a whole deck of Duel Monsters cards in front of him scattered across a small glass table. His face showed that he was concentrating hard as he started assembling combos together.

The boy had short red hair with 4 orange strains going down the middle of his face, he had green eyes and was of an average height and build.

The boy continued to think to himself. “What about if…” the boy then arranged a card combination and smiled ecstatically, he jumped up and screamed out.

“That’s it!” Yurai then turned to his right as he heard a loud thump. His eyes were diverted to the ground as a smaller boy with short green hair, wearing a singlet and boxers lay in pain, showing his emotion in a comical way.

The boy suddenly shot up with a clenched fist. “What’s the deal Yurai!”

“What do you mean!?” Yurai questioned with a fist clenched in front of him responding in kind to the smaller boy.

“I fell from the top Bunk!” The boy stated as he rubbed his head and pointed at the top bunk bed.

“Oh sorry about that Gemo, haha” Yurai chuckled as he apologised while scratching the back of his head.

Gemo rapidly got changed into his school uniform and sighed. “It’s alright I guess, I mean you’re in the final duel of the year! And not just that! You’re duelling the #1 ranked duelist.”

Yurai looked at the scattered cards on the table. An image of a discontent boy with short black hair and 2 brown strains going over his ears appeared in Yurai’s mind, “Tiron” he thought to himself. Yurai picked up all his cards and formed them into a Deck, he then placed them in a Duel Disk he took from a draw and walked out the room.

“Wish me luck.” He stated unenthusiastically.

As he took several steps outside Gemo called out.

“Yurai!”

Yurai turned and faced Gemo who had his duel disk attached to his arm and activated.

“Can’t let you go to face Tiron with that kind of attitude.” Gemo pointed to himself. “You and I are duelling.” Gemo had a large grin on his face noticing Yurai’s confusion.

Yurai then smiled. “Right, I guess I have some time to spare.” Yurai prepared his duel disk. “And don’t think I’ll go easy on you just because you’re ranked number 4.”

Gemo laughed. “Like there was any real difference between us!”

Yurai and Gemo both grinned as they called out in unison, “Du-“

“Yurai!” came a female voice from behind Yurai.

Yurai turned to see a girl with long green hair running towards him, she wore the school uniform, a white collared shirt with a green jacket and green skirt.

“Celia?” Yurai questioned.

As Celia approached she looked ecstatic. “I just wanted to wish you luck, Tiron’s a good duelist but I believe you can win!” Celia smiled causing Yurai to smile back.

“Oh, than-“

“Hey you!” Snapped Gemo interrupting Yurai fire was coursing through his eyes as he pointed at Celia. “What does it look like we’re about to start here!”

Celia responded in kind. “Listen you twerp! I’m wishing Yurai luck!”

“Me and Yurai are about to duel!”

Celia immediately changed her persona. “Duel?” she asked calmly to Yurai.

“Yea” Yurai nodded. “This may be the last change we get to duel at this academy together. Yurai looked up at the clear blue sky. “I mean after all the time we’ve been here, we need a final duel together don’t we?”

Celia sighed. “Okay just make sure you aren’t late!” Celia then ran towards a big Dueling Rink on the east side of the academy grounds. Yurai turned his attention back to Gemo who sighed.

“Sisters, what are they good for? Ready Yurai?”

Yurai nodded. "Yea!"

The two smirked as they called out, “Duel!”
Yurai: 4000 Gemo: 4000[/spoiler]
[/spoiler]

[evilfusion]

[quote name='Bluster Soldier' timestamp='1293397326' post='4884890']
[center][size="7"][font="Impact"]Yu-Gi-Oh![/font][/size]
[size="5"][color="#FFFF00"][font="Impact"]S[/font][/color][color="#00FF00"][font="Impact"]F[/font][/color] [font="Impact"][color="#FF8C00"]Enforcers[/color][/font][/size][/center]

[center]Hey this is my latest Fan-Fic that I'm hoping will get at least some support, it takes place a while after 5D's and hosts original characters and cards. I won't appreciate any unhelpful comments so please when critiquing try to focus on how to help me improve. Anyway please enjoy and comment if read thankyou.[/center]

[b]I'll see what I can do, then.[/b]

[center][spoiler=Prologue]

“His alot better than I ever imagined.”

[b]"He's a lot" A lot is two words, and the first word is possessive, rather than your intended contraction..[/b]

A large riding duel arena hosted filled seats surrounding the racing rink. The surrounding grandstand bore with it hundreds of students watching eagerly as a contested riding duel took place. The students were a mix of teenagers and younger, all wearing white collared shirts with green ties and green pants. Over their shirts they wore green collared tight jackets that bore a school symbol on the left side.

[b]The first two sentences are worded awkwardly, and I'm not fond of the line "teenagers and younger". Nothing comes to mind of how to word that differently, but "teenager" is a noun, not a true expression of age, and younger is a comparitive, not a noun.[/b]

The rink stood next to a giant school that displayed a big sign on the top of the giant uniquely oval shape building depicting the words “Shining Finish Academy.” The cheers of the students in the stands rang through the area as a mix of the students called the name of their preferred to win duellist.

[b]In the first sentence, the school should be in focus, but you started with "the rink stood...", which makes the focus shifting to the school building jarring. You could maybe say "Beside the rink stood a giant school..." or something like that, so the description of the school isn't so jarring. Also "preferred duelist" is better than "preferred-to-win", which is really awkward to say aloud. Duelist has only one L in it.[/b]

The 2 duellists on the oval track were riding identical D-Wheels that bore the same symbol as the student’s jackets, a star with the letters “SF” in the centre. The D-Wheels were white and had shades of green on the sides.

[b]Here, I'd say "identical white D-Wheels accented with green siding, and bearing the same symbol...". It flows better.[/b]

“I’ve been preparing for too long.”

The sky was a magnificent blue, it rested peacefully next to the glistening rays of the golden sun, lighting up the duelling scene with brilliance. An announcer box stood in the centre of the giant close to filled out grand stand. Inside was a male and a female student, each of their spoken words would coursed through the speakers along the sides of the duel rink, projecting their thoughts and views.

[b]Dueling has only one L. Spell-check should have caught this.[/b]

“All my efforts are riding on this card.”

A giant screen hovered over the pit stops at the centre of the rink displaying a picture of a discontent 18 year old with black hair and shades of brown and with 2 strains going down over his ears, it showed the name Tiron. Underneath was the picture of a smiling 18 year old with Red hair and shades of orange, he had 4 thin orange strains going down the middle of his face, the name displayed was Yurai.

[b]Age is not that simple to discern by an image. The description is rather choppy here.[/b]

Both students wore white wet suit like protective clothing and white and green helmets. The boy known as Yurai rode close to 10 metres behind the boy known as Tiron. On
Yurai’s field was but a single face down card and in front, a mid-sized warrior with gold armour and big light blue hologram designed wings. A small green screen stood next to it revealing it had 1000 ATK.

[b]You revealed their names moments ago, but reiterated then here with the awkward "known as X" phrasing.[/b]

[spoiler=Excellion Harbinger]
[img]http://img824.imageshack.us/img824/8086/213134f.jpg[/img] [/spoiler]

Yurai looked with slight frustration at the D-Wheel in front of him, Tiron, the other duelist seemed to pay no attention as he continued riding on.

Clenching the grip of the acceleration tightly Yurai pulled it back causing the D-Wheel to accelerate and become parallel to Tiron’s D-Wheel. The 2 D-Wheels rode swiftly next to
each other.

Tiron turned to face Yurai who was to his left.

[b]Too specific on direction, and delivered awkwardly. If you feel it's important to say Yurai's on his left, say "Tiron turned to his left, watching Yurai" or something.[/b]

“It was pointless from the start.” Tiron called with the intended tone of assurance. “There can only be 1 number 1…” Tiron then pointed his thumb against his chest as a mocking smirk surfaced. “Me!”

[b]Numbers should be written out in most cases, especially small numbers. I could accept "one Number 1", but not "1 number 1".[/b]


“Grrr…” Yurai growled as he then glanced at Tiron’s field a giant Crystallic blue Basilisk made of rock, stood on the centre of his field. The display revealed it had 2800 ATK and was level 8. It had a giant tail with crystal like sharp stones through it. He also had 1 card face-down in his Spell & Trap Zone.

[b]Here, 2800 is good in number form. 8 is not so much, and 1 is definitely not.[/b]

Yurai thrusted his right arm to his right “Excellion Harbingers effect! I can Special Summon 1 level 4 or lower monster from my graveyard if you control a monster with 2000 or more ATK.”

[b]You specified which arm and which direction. Most people use their right arm to gesture to the right. This is superfluous detail that is distracting without adding much. Also, did he draw?[/b]


Tiron grinned. “What good will that do you!?”

“Come back Infertus Knight!” suddenly a fire ball formed next to The gold warrior, the ball than morphed and formed into a red and white small warrior holding a long red and gold sword. The display revealed the Summoned monster had 1500 ATK.

[spoiler= Infertus Knight]

[img]http://img822.imageshack.us/img822/9676/213134c.jpg[/img][/spoiler]

The D-Wheels accelerated through the corner neither giving an inch and staying in line with the other.

“Could we be seeing a Synchro Summon?!” the announcer questioned into the microphone. “Yurai the current #2 and Tiron the current #1! This duel will determine the final outcome!”

“Face down activate!” Yurai called, suddenly the face down card flipped up revealing a Spell Card called “Excel’s Advance”.

[b]Riding Duels use Speed Spells. Is this a Speed Spell?[/b]

Suddenly a bright 2 metre wide stream beam of light was emitted from the spell card that shone above Yurai’s monsters, suddenly Excellion Harbinger and Infertus Knight jumped into the air and into the light, they were met by a very small gold plated hair ball with a shield on its back that appeared to jump from the Spell Card, once the 3 touched the light turned brighter causing Yurai to call out.

“Descended to act on behalf of the divine, uncompared just on level with Salvation! Inherit my beliefs!.... Excel Synchro! Ascent Dragon! Suddenly the shadow of a dragon became visible in the bright light.

[b]"Excel Synchro"? What's that? Is it a new mechanic, a mispelling of Accel Synchro, or what?[/b]

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[b]You shouldn't leave inconcluded events as a completed prologue.[/b]

[Ghoulish]

thx for the critique and comment with "Duelist" spell check kept telling me "Duellist" i thought it was strange but didn't go against it, yea my detail in descriptions is often poorly done, the main reason for the duel scene prologue was to show the new mechanic i'm adding that's an advance to Synchro Summon, Excel Synchro, there are nnew Spell cards added that if depicted in the description are treated as "Excel Spells" one of these spells are activated with requirements then when activated whilst performing a Synchro Summon, Summons an Excel Synchro from your hand. Excel Synchros are placed in your Deck and are orange with shades of white.

do u see any possibility in continuing this based off what you've read? Or do you think that at this point it wouldn't meet expectations?

[Squidward Tentacles]

this is decent. But I have to agree with evilfusion. You shouldn't conclude with an inconcluded duel. Normally, that would be fine in chapters, but prologue. no. But, keep on writing the story, and I'll keep reading. Pretty good story.

[evilfusion]

I decided to look it up (Wiktionary). Both are considered correct, and both mean the same thing. But "duelist" is the generally accepted term in regards to...just about anything.

I didn't really follow your explanation, but it would be better if it was actually shown off and explained in-story if you wanted the prologue to show it off. Like how episode 1 of 5Ds technically showed off a Synchro Summon by going through with it entirely.

I'd have to see more of it before I can definitely say either way, but it wasn't so bad I'd write it off as trash, but not so good I'd come rushing back. So that puts it...average, maybe?

[Hellequin]

I won't go in depth compared to the way evilfusion did or cover many of the things he covered. Personally I found it a little boring, resulting from your uninteresting scenarios that you try to pass off as a way to hook the reader. Allow the reader to get to know the character a little before having them duel, because although duels can be fun and all (depending on the pacing, cards, and dueling styles), there needs to be some suspense. In order to create suspense you have to have the reader care about the outcome of the duel, but we can't exactly do that when you just shove a duel in our faces without even knowing what exactly is at stake. By providing time to allow the reader to get to know the character, depending on how good of a job you do at characterization, we end of caring about the duel's outcome and how it will affect the characters who are dueling and their friends/enemies. But of course, simple character development or introduction can be boring, so try to introduce interesting scenarios that sets your fanfic apart from all the rest in order to hook the reader in.

Oh, I can't read the yellow 'S' in title at the bottom of the prologue (SF Enforcers) on my computer monitor. Maybe it's just me, but I had to highlight it to see it, so I suggest you change that color.

[Ghoulish]

thx for the comments everyone, the first chapter will explain alot more, my main goal for the prologue is as i do wit all my others, basically just to show off one aspect that may seem different about the fic, in this case "Excel Synchro" this will all be explained, I'll also take your notes on and explain the character more in depth.

[Ghoulish]

Chapter 1 Part 1 added, I tried to be more descriptive and "Tried" that's a big "tried, to put a little humour in, anyway would like some feedback thankyou

[Alexis Rhodes]

So your starting at the end of the academy year, so whats the plot?

( 1st chapter is good now I see where the prologue was going )

[Ghoulish]

Yea I think some people thought that's where my story was going to start, my prologues take place at an important event, yea they just finish the academy and the plot reveals itself within the first 3 or 4 chapters, basically they look for dueling careers, the SF (school name: Shining Finish) is used in the title as they reflect alot on their time there through the fic and have a sense of pride in their academy, the plot reveals itslef early though, thx for te comment.

[Alexis Rhodes]

Ah that explains alot , I suppose you can PM me each time a new chapter comes out now.

[Ghoulish]

kk no worries will do

[Ghoulish]

bumpsies