The Borg Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 [spoiler=prologue]Airbellum had started climbing up the mountain when he spotted his target. His goal was to assassinate Vlaora (the head Naturia Beast and leader of the Naturia).The one who hired him had ordered it to try to gain access to the Naturia Forest, which was something not many had ever known. It is hidden by Regrax, the mountain he was on. Airbellum pressed a button on his armor and then the metal claws came out, with the red X glowing. The armor grew along more than just his hands, soon it was covering most of his arm. Vlaora was bellow, the X-Sabers guarding her. Airbellum hated the X-Sabers. His armor was stolen from them, as if pay back for them killing his family. He spotted Gottoms and his old friend, Anu Piranha. The X-Sabers had way more than ten members, but they got there name from the first ten to become wielders of sabers and swords, who saved the world from the Inverz thousands of years prior. Airbellum proceeded to go higher, to reach a boulder and the temple. The trip would take a few hours for most creatures, but for those that knew the secret to the mountain it would take seconds. As he got higher his mane started to blow in the wind. He knew he was being followed by one from the higher area of the Mist Valley, but that could wait for later. He reached a cave which he stepped into, which shielded him from the wind, and allowed him to smell who was following him. The smell was unlike any he had smelled before. It smelled of flame and wind. Of wings that are barely touched by water. He realized that it was definitely not one of the Mist Valley civilization. The creature wing’s could be heard. It did not seem like it was following him, but looks can be deceiving. He was nearing the wind tunnel. Jumping into it would bring him to either the top or bottom chambers of the mountain. He began to enter the passageway when the runes in it started to glow. The passageway was wide enough Brionac could be in it facing the wall, and long enough 300 Naturia Beast could be in a line going through it at the same time. The thing sped up. Airbellum decided to turn to look at the creature and he was shocked. It’s head was covered mostly by a golden helmet, with two long diamond like crystals arranged in such a way that it could impale a human by ramming it. The mouth was near blue-skin that covered the dragon, and was filled with tiny teeth meant to eat meat. The rest of the body was covered in the same golden armor as the upper head, and the tail stretched about 3 feet from the main body. The wings were meant to be strong enough to carry something on it. And it was now accelerating towards Airbellum. [/spoiler] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Smeagle Posted January 19, 2011 Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 I'm liking this story. it's got potential, but it could definitely use a bit more dialogue...or at least monologue. What's the big cat thinkin'? And what's with the opening? Like, Airbellum isn't taking a walk down to the store for fresh milk and catnip, he's assassinating his worst enemy. This mission is important and dangerous. The opening should be ominous, slowly mounting tension. Focus on what Airbellum's thinking right now. He doesn't see his prey in the opening dialogue. What does he see? The area around him. What does Regrax look like? I would assume, being that the Mist Valley guys live near it, that it's a bit hazy, but leaving that to be inferred doesn't add to the atmosphere. Describe him peering through the mist, or something. Hope that helps! It's otherwise pretty cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Borg Posted January 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2011 Okay, I am definitely going to work on a way more detailed chapter one. Also it isn't his worse enemy he is assassinating, as he is a mercenary for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Smeagle Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 [quote name='Naturia Cat' timestamp='1295475833' post='4945288'] Okay, I am definitely going to work on a way more detailed chapter one. Also it isn't his worse enemy he is assassinating, as he is a mercenary for now. [/quote] Ah, right. Little confused there. You're probably good then. I'd still add a little more description of the environment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IKILLBABIES Posted January 22, 2011 Report Share Posted January 22, 2011 Chapter 1-A Remnant of the Past As the winged beast flew towards Airbellum, his life passed before his eyes. He recalled all those nights his dad tucked him in, and then having to be untucked due to what his dad called his "damn backwards pajamas". He missed his fathers gentle touch, and wished to relive those long, hot, sweaty nights. Unfortunately, he was impaled by the winged beasts' beak, and then eaten whole by the Giant Turtle Who Feeds On Flames. The End. Good ending, huh? You should add it to your expose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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