Kōgeki! : Pokemon Bōken ~ A Pokemon Fan Fic [PG-13]

[.::Kisuke Urahara::.]

[center]The title is Attack!: Pokemon Adventures ! I know that it makes no sense but I like it. Anyway, this is my first ever fan fic and would love some feedback on it! Tell me if you like the characters or hate them. Tell me if you hate [s][u]me[/u][/s] the story or not! Be truthful and I can improve. Please tell me if you would like to see more of this Fan Fic, please! *Hoping that it hasn't broken any rules...*

Chapter 1 is a bit boring because it let's you see some of the characters and their personalities!

Warning: Rated PG-13 for:
Mild language
Mild Suggestive Themes


[size="6"][color="#FF0000"]Kōgeki!:[/color] [color="#00FF00"]Pokemon Bōken[/color][/size]


[spoiler=Chapter 1][b][size="5"]Chapter 1
A Rude Awakening![/size][/b]

"Zach! Damnit, Zach! Baka, wake up!" sounded a voice in the darkness. I slowly opened my eyes only to see a small, white, heel coming straight down to my face. "I said wake the heck up!" called the voice as I realized that it was a foot coming for me! I completely opened my eyes and, boom!

I laid there for a second, then, wiping the blood from my nose, I moved the foot off of my face. "Well... good morning to you too, Yorui." I said in a bored voice.

"Darnit, Zach! Get the h*ll out of bed! Just because you're already a Trainer doesn't mean that you are going to make me late for my Starter Pokemon!" Yorui said in an irritated voice. It was that day for another Trainer. Today was Yorui's thirteenth birthday. Although Trainers usually get their starter Pokemon on their tenth birthday, Yorui's mother and father decided that Yorui was too immature to handle being a trainer until she was thirteen.

"Yorui... how did you get into my house... and why are you wearing my pajamas?" I asked. It was a two piece set consisting of a green checkered shirt and shorts, with a hole in the collar.

"Your mom said that I could spend the night since you live a short walk away from the Pokemon Lab. She and my parents agreed that twelve miles is too much for me to walk on my own, so I bunked in the guest room. These PJs were the only ones you had clean so I didn't have a choice. Their so ugly too..." she explained. I walk over to the window at the foot of my bed and opened it then, walking over toward Yorui. I grabbed her by the back of the collar and back of the pants. "Hey! What the hell are ya' doin'!?" she hollered as I lifted her. She was a rather small girl, maybe around ninety pounds, so it was a simple task to pick her up. Then I walked her over to the window, kicking and punching, and dropped her out the other side on her behind.

Just as I started to close the window, my bedroom door swung open and a voice called from behind me. "Good morning, Zachery!" I recognized the voice and quickly turned around to see who it was but right when i turned, I was smacked in the face and launched out of the window, over Yorui, by something that felt like a large, squishy, pillow! " Oh no! Zachy, I'm soo sorry!" the voice said. I managed to get back on my feet and focus my still shaken vision on who knocked me out the window.

" Rina?! You're here too?! Wait... that's my favorite shirt an-" I stopped. "Huh?"' I said, looking up. "Um... Rina, you're not wearing any pants." I said, turning my head.

"Oh my gosh! I usually sleep in my panties at home so I didn't think twice about it when I slept over here! I'll go ask your mom if she has washed my clothes from yesterday. Seeya downstairs, Zachery!" She said as she left, tripping on the door seal.

Rina was never a very bright girl. Kids in earlier years of Pokemon School used to make fun of her by calling her "Ri-Ri". They would say that all of her brains fell down into her boobs. One day, while we were having lunch at school, some kids came up to me and started making fun of me because of my laid back attitude. When Rina came over to ask me a question, Tex, the "leader" of the children began pulling on Rina's hair and calling her "Ri-Ri". When I saw a tear in her eye, something snapped out of nowhere, and I punched Tex in the cheek, launching him into the pile of stacked desks behind him. Of course, that day I was expelled from the Academy because Tex's mother was the School Board President and his Father was the Asst. Principal. I think that may be why Rina hangs around me so much.

"Darn it, Zach! Stop day dreaming about Rina and help me get back through the window! I need to take a shower!" Yorui said, punching me in the nose.

"Yorui, we were dropped out of the second story of my house. Do you really think I can help you get back through the window?" I asked, chuckling.

"Shaddup! I knew that! I'm going around to the front door, you coming?" She asked as she walked away. When we got back inside, we were both called to the kitchen by my mother.

"Good morning, everybody! In honor of Yorui's special day, I made her favorite for breakfast! Blueberry and Chocolate Chip Pancakes! Come and have a seat, Rina is already here." She said. We all sat down and began to eat when my mom spoke up and said, "Oh, hey Zach! I forgot to tell you that the Pokemon Dojo on the border of Johto is have a special Training Day for newbie Trainers in a week! If you and Yorui want to head there after she gets her starter from your father, you might wanna hurry. It is a five day walk from here!" My father is the Pokemon Professor in town.

"Alright, I guess we know the first place that I'm going after I get my Pokemon!" Yorui stated with one foot in her chair and her fist in the air.

"Oh oh! Can i come too?! You are gonna need a Pokemon Breeder to help your hurt Pokemon!" Rina exclaimed, jumping in the air. Rina was fifteen but always acted like she was twelve or thirteen.

"Sure, Rina. Also, Mom, do you know where Buster is this morning? I haven't seen him." I asked, pointing at my room upstairs.

Oh, he went to your father's lab this morning and I haven't seen him since." she said.

"Well, Yorui, it is your lucky day. it looks like I have to go to the Lab today! Well, let's get going before noon." I said. We all stood up, thanked my mom for breakfast, and headed for the door.

"Wait, Zachery. I forgot to say that Riley will be coming with you to the Dojo!" she said, waving a dish in the air.

"Oh, God, no! Yeesh, I guess I'll stop by his house on the way to the lab. Well, I'll seeya later, Mom!" I said with a sigh. I rarely complain but I will make an exception for Riley at any time. "Well... let's get going." I said as we walked out the door into the blinding sunlight.[/center]

[size="1"]Chapter 1: End![/size][/spoiler]

[A20thCenturyBoy]

Hello and welcome to Fan Fix-tion Riffview! We know there's some great fanfiction out there. Unfortunately, it doesn't come from this site. You've seen others riff/reviews on stuff before, but they've only scraped the top layer of the bottom of the barrel. I'm A20thCenturyBoy and this is Hayate Ayasaki, and-under the names Dio and Daisuke-we're gonna take you through some of the worst of the worst fanfiction out there.
Hang on, folks, and try not to lose your lunch.


[spoiler=Chapter 1: One is the Loneliest Number...]
[b]Shall we begin with the first line?[/b]

"Zach! Damnit, Zach! Baka, wake up!"

[b]Daisuke: Man, that is one pissed off bilingual tsundere.

Dio: Hey, I can use Japanese words where they don't belong too! My nakama and I went to the mall today.

Daisuke: Yeah, this writer is such a baka.[/b]

sounded a voice in the darkness.

[b]Daisuke: Holy crap, darkness tsundere![/b]

I slowly opened my eyes only to see a small, white, heel coming straight down to my face.

[b]Dio:Correction - PMSing bilingual tsundere.

Daisuke: Just a heel, not a body as well, however often the two are connected.[/b]

"I said wake the heck up!“ called the voice as I realized that it was a foot coming for me!

[b]Daisuke: You only realized it was a foot after your observation a heel was coming straight at you. Genius.[/b]

I completely opened my eyes and, boom!

[b]Dio: HEADSHOT

Daisuke: His eyes sure took their sweet time in fully opening.[/b]

I laid there for a second, then, wiping the blood from my nose, I moved the foot off of my face.

[b]Daisuke: I imagine it would be difficult to wipe the blood off one’s nose with a FOOT on their face.[/b]

"Well... good morning to you too, Yorui." I said in a bored voice.

[b]Dio: Yes, because saying good morning always comes before MEDICAL ATTENTION. Isn't this some kind of abuse?![/b]

"Darnit, Zach! Get the h*ll out of bed!

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, get the h*ll out of bed, Zach, what the heck are you thinking?

Dio: And the censors strike again! ...erraticaly...and with a word that doesn't need to be censored. GOD DAMN YOU HAYS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODE![/b]

Just because you're already a Trainer doesn't mean that you are going to make me late for my Starter Pokemon!" Yorui said in an irritated voice.

[b]Dio: Yeah. God Forbid, you get something other than a turtle, a frog and an extinct dinosaur.

Daisuke:Is anyone but me wondering why she would bring him along in the first place? He already HAS his Pokemon. What, he’s her legal guardian now?[/b]

It was that day for another Trainer.

[b]Dio: QUICK
LET'S FIND THAT TRAINER
MAYBE HIS STORY'LL BE MORE INTERESTING[/b]

Today was Yorui's thirteenth birthday.

[b]Dio: You look like a monkey~[/b]

Although Trainers usually get their starter Pokemon on their tenth birthday, Yorui's mother and father decided that Yorui was too immature to handle being a trainer until she was thirteen.

[b]Dio: Now she's immature AND abusive! The two most common qualities of Pokemon trainers!

Daisuke: She kicked a dude in the face to wake him up because apparently she’s too crippled from chronic amnesia to know the way to the Pokemon lab. She’s STILL too immature to handle being a trainer.[/b]

"Yorui... how did you get into my house... and why are you wearing my pajamas?" I asked. It was a two piece set consisting of a green checkered shirt and shorts, with a hole in the collar.

[b]Dio: And that description was *ding* completely pointless.

Daisuke: I’m going to go ahead and agree. I mean, the description is nice, but the fact we still don’t know what the MAIN CHARACTER looks like, or what the girl wearing the main character’s pajamas (fetish?) looks like either, this description isn’t of the outmost importance…[/b]

"Your mom said that I could spend the night since you live a short walk away from the Pokemon Lab. She and my parents agreed that twelve miles is too much for me to walk on my own, so I bunked in the guest room.

[b]Dio: Uh, yeah, about that short walk...

Daisuke: Wait, so let me get this straight. He lives close to the Pokemon Lab. She lives twelve miles from the Pokemon Lab. Does it make a freakin difference? She’s still going to walk twelve miles to his house. So no, this isn’t so she walks less. This is just her heinous plan to be able to fulfill her sick pajama fetishes![/b]

These PJs were the only ones you had clean so I didn't have a choice.

[b]Dio: Wait...
does that mean-
OH YOU SICK BASTARD!

Daisuke: See, this proves my point further. She KNEW she was going to be sleeping over at his house. What, does SHE not have pajamas she could have brought over his house?[/b]

Their so ugly too..."

[b]Daisuke: Yeah, their so ugly and their really bad-smelling.

Dio: Typo count - 1.[/b]

she explained. I walk over to the window at the foot of my bed and opened it then, walking over toward Yorui.

[b]Daisuke: Wait, he opened the window while walking toward her? That is SO Mr.Fantastic![/b]

I grabbed her by the back of the collar and back of the pants.

[b]Dio: YOU SICK BASTARD WHY

Daisuke: But more to the point, the fabric would definitely rip. Unless it was covered in some sort of sticky…

…

to quote my good friend Dio: “YOU SICK BASTARD WHY”[/b]

"Hey! What the hell are ya' doin'!?" she hollered as I lifted her.

[b]Dio: WOO! DOWN WITH CENSORS!

Daisuke: So first we change the word completely, then we just censor it, then we remove the censor. I expect we‘ll be at porn by the end of this.[/b]

She was a rather small girl, maybe around ninety pounds, so it was a simple task to pick her up.

[b]Daisuke: A rather small girl that can fit perfectly into your only pair of clean pajamas.

Dio: So apparently she’s anorexic?[/b]

Then I walked her over to the window, kicking and punching,

[b]Daisuke: So he’s kicking and punching as he’s carrying her to the window? He is a freaking beast.[/b]

and dropped her out the other side on her behind.

[b]Dio: And then I got arrested, got into drugs in prison, and died in the slammer. THE END

Daisuke: …Please tell me they‘re on the first floor…[/b]

Just as I started to close the window, my bedroom door swung open and a voice called from behind me.

[b]Dio: "This is the police! We have you surrounded!"[/b]

"Good morning, Zachery!" I recognized the voice and quickly turned around to see who it was

[b]Daisuke: You recognized the voice. You KNOW who it is. I am going to assume at this point Zach is just pretending he knows who it is to sound smart.[/b]

but right when i turned, I

[b]Daisuke: Right when I went to play, i found out I needed to learn to spellcheck.[/b]

was smacked in the face and launched out of the window, over Yorui, by something that felt like a large, squishy, pillow

[b]Dio: I used that opportunity to flee, and not be caught at the crime scene.

Daisuke: …large, squishy…pillow…

This is going to turn into an ecchi harem, isn’t it?[/b]

"Oh no! Zachy, I'm soo sorry!" the voice said.

[b]Dio: "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FATAL!"

Daisuke: “The mysterious voice I apparently recognize“[/b]

I managed to get back on my feet and focus my still shaken vision on who knocked me out the window.

[b]Dio: “I saw dancing pandas.”

Daisuke: Mhmm, they‘re definitely on the first floor, no doubt.[/b]

" Rina?! You're here too?!

[b]Dio: "God dammit all to hell!"

Daisuke: Apparently our protagonist has no idea what Rina looks like, yet recognizes her voice from a simple “Good Morning, [s]Zachy[/s] Zachery”.[/b]

Wait... that's my favorite shirt an-" I stopped. "Huh?"' I said, looking up. "Um... Rina, you're not wearing any pants." I said, turning my head.

[b]Dio: What is it with these stories and near-naked people? GET TO THE POKEMON.

Daisuke: Alright, so they shouldn’t have been badly injured because they fell off the first floor. Makes sense.[/b]

"Oh my gosh! I usually sleep in my panties at home so I didn't think twice about it when I slept over here!

[b]Dio: Remember. These are YOUNG TEENS.

Daisuke: “Oh, I wonder if going pantless in the harem-holding male lead’s house could lead to perverted crap. Oh, what am I thinking? It’s perfectly safe.”[/b]

I'll go ask your mom if she has washed my clothes from yesterday. Seeya downstairs, Zachery!" She said as she left, tripping on the door seal.

[b]Dio: She then hit the wall and had a concussion THE END

Daisuke: I can‘t even comment on this. This girl‘s stupidity and clumsiness have fallen so far, it‘s almost like she’s a reference to every other clumsy anime character with huge breasts in the anime world.[/b]

Rina was never a very bright girl. Kids in earlier years of Pokemon School used to make fun of her by calling her "Ri-Ri". They would say that all of her brains fell down into her boobs.
[b]Dio: Ohey, maybe we should go there to see some F*CKING POKEMON!

Daisuke: This is a Pokemon fic? Since when? Well, that aside, I find it really awkward how she had big breasts during early years of Pokemon school. Considering Pokemon school comes before being a Pokemon trainer, and since he said early years, can we assume she had big breasts by the time she was 6-7?

Dio: PUBERTY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY

Daisuke: And those kids lie. She never had a brain to begin with.[/b]

One day, while we were having lunch at school, some kids came up to me and started making fun of me because of my laid back attitude.

[b]Dio: Oh, yeah, THAT'S what they're making fun of. Definitely not your epic storytelling skills. *insert sarcasm here*

Daisuke: Wait, so they pick on him because he’s laid back? Who does that? “Yeah, man, that dude is SO laid back! Let’s make fun of him![/b]

When Rina came over to ask me a question, Tex, the "leader" of the children began pulling on Rina's hair and calling her "Ri-Ri".

[b]Dio: I think we already established that they do that.

Daisuke: “Maaan, that girl has such big breasts! Let’s pull her hair!”[/b]

When I saw a tear in her eye, something snapped out of nowhere, and I punched Tex in the cheek, launching him into the pile of stacked desks behind him.

[b]Dio: Yeah, violence solves everything - WHERE'S THE GOD DAMN MOTHERF*CKING POKEMON, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD?!!?!?!?

Daisuke: “Oooh, you’re getting a time-out!” But in all seriousness, that’s a pretty damn strong 6/7-year old.[/b]

I think that may be why Rina hangs around me so much.

[b]Dio: Noooooooooooo. Really?

Daisuke: Your intelligence is one of the wonders of the world, dear protagonist.[/b]

"Darn it, Zach!

[b]Dio: THE CENSORS FAIL AGAIN!

Daisuke: Man, this girl wants to use every bit of her vocabulary, huh? Hell, heck, darn, etc.[/b]

Stop day dreaming about Rina and help me get back through the window! I need to take a shower!" Yorui said, punching me in the nose.

[b]Dio: Physical abuse-HILARIOUS!

Daisuke: Man, that kid’s face doesn’t get a break…[/b]

Yorui, we were dropped out of the second story of my house.

[b]Daisuke: HOLD THE PHONE

NO

NO

SECOND STORY?

YOU MADE ME BELIEVE IT WAS THE FIRST.

How did they survive unscathed from that fall? How did he SEE HER PANTLESS? DOES HE HAVE X-RAY VISION OR SOMETHING?

Dio: 20/20?

Daisuke: Why couldn’t RINA fall out from the second story? No one would miss her.[/b]

Do you really think I can help you get back through the window?" I asked, chuckling.

[b]Dio: Yes. It's called a ladder, WONDERFUL little device.

Yorui: No, I expect you to buttrape m- OF COURSE I THINK YOU CAN HELP! GO GET THE DAMN LADDER![/b]

"Shaddup! I knew that!

[b]Dio: No.

Daisuke: ~Tsuuunder- *gets shot*[/b]

I'm going around to the front door, you coming?" She asked as she walked away. When we got back inside, we were both called to the kitchen by my mother.

[b]"There's these silly officers here on some murder case..."

Daisuke: Two kids falling out of a window is definitely normal. Definitely wouldn’t draw any attention.[/b]

"Good morning, everybody! In honor of Yorui's special day, I made her favorite for breakfast! Blueberry and Chocolate Chip Pancakes

[b]Dio: From Eggo!

Daisuke: Special day, what are y- oooh, right, I almost forgot she was going to become a Pokemon trainer.[/b]

Come and have a seat, Rina is already here." She said. We all sat down and began to eat when my mom spoke up and said, "Oh, hey Zach! I forgot to tell you

[b]Dio: "You're adopted."

Daisuke: “You’re grounded for having thrown Yorui off the second story window.”

“But moooom!”

“No buts, mister. Off to your room.”[/b]
that the Pokemon Dojo on the border of Johto is have a special Training Day for newbie Trainers in a week!

[b]Dio: "Stay the hell away, ok, sweetie?"[/b]

If you and Yorui want to head there after she gets her starter from your father, you might wanna hurry. It is a five day walk from here!"

[b]Dio: Yes, the Pokemon universe DOES NOT HAVE CARS. Despite all their other technological advancements.

Daisuke: Oh, and here Yorui was worried she needed to walk twelve miles to the Pokemon Lab. Pssh.[/b]

My father is the Pokemon Professor in town.

[b]Dio: HOW CONVINIENT.

Daisuke: It really is. I’m going to go ahead and call shenanigans on this, and say that our protagonist only WISHES his father were such an important man, but is instead a migrant worker.[/b]

"Alright, I guess we know the first place that I'm going after I get my Pokemon!" Yorui stated with one foot in her chair and her fist in the air.

[b]Dio: Subliminal advertising for Captain Morgan, I see.

Daisuke: That‘s almost more cliché of a pose than the “Nice Guy“ pose.[/b]

"Oh oh! Can i come too?! You are gonna need a Pokemon Breeder to help your hurt Pokemon!" Rina exclaimed, jumping in the air.

[b]Dio: No, silly, that's what Pokemon Centers are for. Breeding is...uh...well, when a Ditto and a Daddy Pokemon love each other marginally enough...

Daisuke: Who needs Pokemon, centers, right? And who needs gravity, right?[/b]

Rina was fifteen but always acted like she was twelve or thirteen.

[b]Dio: The writer is the same way!

Daisuke: We definitely cannot figure this out by ourselves, it has to be told to us by the writer.[/b]

"Sure, Rina. Also, Mom, do you know where Buster

[b]Daisuke: Buster? In a land of Japanese names there is a kid called BUSTER?[/b]

is this morning? I haven't seen him." I asked, pointing at my room upstairs.

[b]Dio: "Oh, he's staying out of this story."

Daisuke: I can see why.[/b]

Oh, he went to your father's lab this morning and I haven't seen him since." she said.

[b]Daisuke: Whoops, guess little Buster got lost.

Dio: QUICK, GET HIS FACE ON A MILK CARTON[/b]

"Well, Yorui, it is your lucky day. it looks like I have to go to the Lab today!

[b]Dio: “I'll get DeeDee out, first.”

Daisuke: So the kick to the face to wake him didn’t imply he kinda had to?[/b]

Well, let's get going before noon." I said. We all stood up, thanked my mom for breakfast, and headed for the door.

[b]Dio: In unison, of course.

Daisuke: I foresee a musical.[/b]

"Wait, Zachery. I forgot to say that Riley will be coming with you to the Dojo!" she said, waving a dish in the air.

[b]Dio: "Whoops, there goes the family china!"

Daisuke: Might have been smart to put the dish down first, BEFORE waving your arm.[/b]

"Oh, God, no!

[b]Dio: He's reading the story too?

Daisuke: I don’t know, but he’s IN it, and I bet it’s a lot worse. He can’t just walk up and leave as I am tempted to do in the middle of a review, he must endure an entire adventure.[/b]

Yeesh, I guess I'll stop by his house on the way to the lab. Well, I'll seeya later, Mom!"

[b]Daisuke: Go, quickly, before she can lay any more big revelations on you!

Dio: “And if anyone named Big R comes looking for me, I DON'T HAVE HIS CASH.”[/b]

I said with a sigh. I rarely complain but I will make an exception for Riley at any time. "Well... let's get going." I said as we walked out the door into the blinding sunlight.

[b]Daisuke: Solution: Sunglasses

Dio: We then realized we were vampires, and burned to dust. THE END.

Daisuke: Oh, how I wish it were s-

Wait.

We‘re at the end already? YES! THE SUFFERING IS OVER!



*puts on serious mask*

Daisuke: All in all there was a lot of unbelievable things, and it seems more harem than Pokemon to me. The writing itself is not terrible, but definitely not good. I mean, there was basic description, but not even the usual “black hair“. I don‘t know what the main character looks like. And when you don‘t know what your character looks like, it may be a sign that you want to actually TELL your reader what he looks like.

Dio: Let me just put it this way. It's as much a Pokemon story as Jade is a Pokemon game. That's all for now, folks, but until next time, remember-if you make a bad story, like an a****** neighbor, Riffview is there. [/b]

[/spoiler]