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[Tokyo Duel]

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[quote name='Arashi Idane' timestamp='1297864596' post='5012039']
It was nine in the morning when Heero Tanaka's alarm went off. Not wanting to get up quite yet, he accidently pressed the button to turn it off, thinking he turned on snooze and went back to bed. A little over an hour later, he woke up, looking at the time: [font="Courier New"]10:14 a.m.[/font] "Oh my Winged Kuriboh!"

[b]This made me want to face palm. A lame hero is one thing, but trying to play out the scenario of him waking up and saying this, didn't make me laugh, it made me think this story was written whilst you were half asleep and struggling to think of something.[/b]

Heero shouted. "I'm late for the tournament!" Quickly, he grabbed his deck and duel disk, and ran out the door...forgetting one little thing.

[b]His phone? To call his mommy?[/b]

The tournament Heero was talking about was Haven's Tenth Annual Tag Team Tournament.

[b]Interesting. As opposed to telling us that abruptly, perhaps you could have worded it better. Or even then, shown it. Have him arrive at the tournament, and have an announcer or an M/C give a welcoming speech.[/b]

His partner, Kaiser Yadou, was already there. Kaiser and his parents adopted Heero, in a sense.

[b]I don't like this sentence. I'm not sure why, it just, seems off.[/b]

Heero's mother was proclaimed dead, as her body was never found.

[b]Ouch. I suppose the joke I made earlier was uncalled for. I could go back and fix it, but I'd rather just leave it for comic relief purposes.[/b]

As for Heero's father, he too, mysteriously disappeared.

[b]He read your Winged Kuriboh joke and ran away, not wanting to be associated with his son any longer.[/b]

No one knows what happened to the two. Nevertheless, Kaiser and his family helped Heero with whatever they needed, including naming and searching for his family name, which they gave him the option of using their family name or his true name. He chose his family name. From then on, he would be known as Heero Tanaka.

[b]Again, I know it sounds unnecessary, but the grammar is something you could work on here. That sentence ran on longer than an episode of [i]Jersey Shore[/i] would, if only I had the patience to sit and watch it.[/b]

One day, when Heero was two, he saw Kaiser practicing with cards called Duel Monsters. Heero was unable to walk, and he could barely talk. Despite those "limitations", he pointed to the cards, tilted his head, and said, "Me try?"

[b]I feel like you're not showing enough. I want to be able to read this and see the scenario play out. When you just tell me what happened, it doesn't have the same effect as a reader. I can visualize it, but it takes extra effort, and that's not something you want, especially not when you're writing about an important plot in the story.[/b]

Laughing, Kaiser tried to teach Heero, only to realize Heero, despite being two, was already showing promise. In fact, he picked up on the game of Duel Monsters in two weeks. For a two year old, that's impressive. So, Heero learned to duel before he learned to walk and talk (to an extent).

[b]Now this sounds unrealistic. I can comprehend Zorc destroying the world, or an old man-robot stealing the Sacred Beasts, and even dueling on motorcyles, but a two year old learning to play? This is Takahashi's next show, after ZEXAL. "Just when you thought we were done, you couldn't be more wrong! We've got more action than you could shake a rattle at! YuGiOh: Toddlers, coming soon to a TV near you!" Explain the backstory better than that, you know? Maybe he learned at seven, that I can buy, but two?[/b]

Anyways, the tournament wasn't held in doors, as the only card shop in Haven was far too small for it. Instead, they held at Green Giant Park, probably the biggest "park" ever made. The only problem with the park it was more like a medow within Haven. No trees or mountains that it led upto. No playground. Just grass. A very big field of grass.

[b]You're trying WAY too hard with description. Seriously. You literally just described this park to me in seven sentences, whereas you could have done it in two. "It was a huge park, if you could call it that. Rather, the layout was that of a meadow, with no trees, no mountains, just grass as far as the eye could see."[/b]

Although, Duel Fields were painted onto it. Heero ran through the massive group of duelists, pushing his way through, occasionally. "Sorry! Excuseme! Pardon me!" he was saying.

[b]YuGiOh GX all over again! Line for line, sorta...[/b]

Making it to the Tournament Officials at the very front of the group, he got on one knee. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease let me innnnnn!" he begged. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He pulled out the puppy dog eyes, despite being ten years old, making him a little too old for it. Still, he had it mastered.

[b]Oh come on. This guy's a joke. You had better not have him fight the darkness in one way or another. He's ten, what's he going to beg Zorc to spare his world and his people? "Pleeaaasseee don't send me to the Shadow Realm! Pleeeeaseeee!"[/b]

The officials roared with laughter when they saw Heero, as did the crowd. Kaiser, already knowing it was Heero walked up to him, simply shaking his head. He handed Heero a mirror, then said, "Heero, you might want to head back."

[b]Finally, some common sense. He's too young to duel in a major tournament, clearly.[/b]

Heero, being confused,looking in the mirror. His usual neat, bangy brown hair was as messy as could be; sticking up on all sides. He then saw something that caught his attention. "Aww crap!" he shouted. "I'm wearing my Watapon pajamas!"

[b]That's his biggest concern?[/b]
[/quote]

So let's see. You can write well, I can tell, but you do need a lot of work. I'm not great by any means, so I'm not comparing me to you, but there are a lot of simple errors that could be improved upon by literally changing a few words, or taking away a few periods. I'll continue to read it, but try and make it more descriptive. Just sit, get your thoughts, and write. You're trying too hard.

[Tokyo Duel]

Heero will mature as the story goes on. Right now, he's still learning and has a long way to go. For now, he's just an idiot. Besides, this tournament would be his first official duel. He's simply practiced for a long time. Heero is obviously an odd ball. The reason I chose Heero learning at such a young age was because Heero had an incredible understanding of dueling. He's austistic in a way, I guess you could say. He isn't all there in much else, but dueling is his only pride.

Heero's life is obviously divided into three sections.

Dumb ass Heero.
Great Heero.
Wise Heero.

Dumb ass Heero won't last long. I planned on just keeping it for three chapters, just so Heero can have time to joke around. Then I plan on making things serious. For now Heero is just a complete and utter idiot. So don't worry, Heero [b]will[/b] mature. It's just a joke for now.