♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 [center][Spoiler=Chapter 1 - Stolen] "Now Ember Crossfire finish this," he commanded his mighty monster. The black warrior's red outlines began to glow as if Lava was building up. And then from its shoulders two crimson arrows fired at his opponent and he won the duel. "AND THERE WE HAVE IT!" the Announcer yelled, "WE HAVE A NEW KING OF GAMES!" "NOW SAY HELLO TO THE NEWEST KING!" his voice began to crack from all the yelling, "JOHAN MARUKI!" "That was quite some duel Johan," said his opponent as he shook his hand. "Lucky draw got you the win," he said laughing, "But I'll get you next time." The gray and purple haired youth began laughing and chiding his opponent. "Ummm," said a female voice, "Ares, sir would you mind if I intervened." Johan turned around to see the girl of his dreams she walked up to the new King of Games she was still wearing her Obelisk Blue uniform and then out of thin air she kissed him. *********************************************************** "JOHAN MARUKI!" yelled an all to familiar voice. Johan got up and began to yell, "THANK YOU THANK YOU!" "I'M SIMPLY BETTER THAN EVERYONE," he continued. He then opened his eyes to see his surroundings were obviously his classroom back at Academia Island. "If you're done with the show," said a scrawny bald man. The man was to pale for his own good and looked malnourished. His normal tie was undone over his white collared shirt. "I would you to recite word for word," the man smiled, "The address the Dark King made when his conquest of eastern Europe was complete." Johan looked blankly at the bored looking for some help which he got he recited the exact speech as his teacher had written much to his professor's astonishment. "Well if thats all Mr. Bowers," he said patting off his gray denim jeans, "I'll think I'll take my leave." Johan took his Slifer Red blazer of his chair and threw it on. It was hand me down and was pretty long for a Slifer jacket but he didn't care as he threw on over his v-neck white shirt. Johan walked towards the door and as he opened it he ran to someone he had just finished dreaming about. And unfortunately for Johan his "little buddy" seemed a little to happy and just a little late in waking up. **************3 Days later************** While on his bed in the Slifer dorm Johan looked around he couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't such a loser maybe she would like him. As he thought back to that day. He wondered if he was even good enough of a duelist, to defend his own "honor" or whatever that other Obelisk kid was doing for Asura. "Well," Johan said to himself; his roommate no where to be found, "I guess I'll find out later." Johan then closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He woke up and was irritated to no end. It was pissing him off, all these prep school wannabes. Johan knew he would mop the floor with this kid whatever his name was. The minutes turned into hours as he bore his golden eyes into the ceiling he couldn't help but wonder though. Did the prep school really help someone be a better duelist? "Nah," he said to himself. Just when he said that the door knob turned. Johan didn't mind it because he just assumed it was his roommate. Then about four kids ran into the room and grabbed him out of bed. The guy who challenged walked into the room and seemed to be looking around for something. They then but a potato sack over his head. He heard a draw open and one of his henchmen said "Found it boss." "Good bring it this kid is too pathetic to even have one of those," the "boss" sneered. He wanted to yell but just when he opened his mouth he felt a sharp pain on the small of his back and just collapsed. *************A Hour Later******************** Johan woke up with a start and everything was black, he guessed the sack was still on his head. Just then a blinding light shone as the potato sack was removed from his head. "It's amusing," the "boss" said to Johan, "How some first year Slifer could even hope to challenge a third year Obelisk like myself. "But when you show up you won't even have any cards," said the arrogant guy. Johan still felt his deck in the inside pocket of his jacket so what was this guy talking about. Then the guy brought out some cards which he had obviously taken them from the drawer in Johan's room. Johan stayed quite not wanting him to know that he had stolen the wrong deck. "So now we'll get down to business," as he said one of his Ra Yellow goons brought forth something in a large canister. "This here freshman is a fire hazard," as he dropped the cards into the canister Johan immediately knew what he meant; the were was a large puff of smoke and he knew his old deck was burning. He tried to look as devastated as possible. "Well know that were done here bag him and take him back," said the leader. The four goons that had taken him here obviously were closely related. They each seemed to look like big buff African males. They each had the same long facial features and the small wisp of a goatee growing. [i]Great I'm being kidnapped by some Egyptian crazies,[/i] he thought, [i]This day can't get any worse.[/i] And then again he was wrong as one of the Egyptian bodyguards hit him in the same spot and again he was out cold. ************Then another hour passes*************** Johan woke up in his room again his roommate looking intensively at him. "You okay big guy?" asked his roommate who was about 5'9" average build and in his Slifer Blazer looked a little to big for him. "Yeah I'm fine, Ridder," Johan replied. Ridder Behoeden was a dutch duelist, and apparently on of the best where he comes from, but unfortunately he didn't have the money to start in Obelisk. Johan got up looking around and then looked in his blazer's pocket luckily for him his real deck never fell out. "You saw those guys drag me in here," he asked Ridder, "Right?" "Yeah I did I came in around the same time," he replied, "They were joking about how you'll get kicked out without a deck." "You do still have yours?" he asked. "Yeah of course," Johan answered by taking his real deck out of his inside blazer pocket he laughed at the stupidity of his next opponent. Johan then looked at his clock, "Well it seems I have a duel to go and win." "Wait, Johan you gonna tell me what happened?" Ridder seemed really concerned with his best friend. "Yeah of course dog," Johan said joking with his friend filling him on the details on there way to the Academy's arena. When they made it there Johan's opponent seemed surprised at his arrival, "Well looks like you didn't chicken out." "And did you even bring your deck with you?" as his opponent inquired him Johan as he revealed his hidden, real deck. "Now how about we Start things up?" Johan asked placing his deck into his duel disk and his Life Point total increasing to 4000 and his opponent did the same. "This is gonna be a little amusing," Johan chided his opponent, "Wouldn't you agree?" [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2 - The King has Arrived?!?(preview)] As Johan begins his duel with his opponent, Irrite, he reveals his deck of cards given to him by his mother before she passed away, The Cyber Heroes! But it seems his opponent isn't himself as stated by his lackeys during the match. And soon Johan finds him self dueling not only for his own but his best friends life. [spoiler=Featured Cards] [spoiler=Cyber Hero - Ember Crossfire][IMG]http://i756.photobucket.com/albums/xx203/Sawoe/CH4.jpg[/IMG] [/spoiler][spoiler=The King of Demons - Chimera][IMG]http://i756.photobucket.com/albums/xx203/Sawoe/KoD-C.jpg[/IMG][/spoiler][/spoiler][/spoiler][/center] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted March 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2011 I would enjoy someone's opinion on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evilfusion Posted March 9, 2011 Report Share Posted March 9, 2011 Okay, I'll go through this, putting comments in bold throughout the story itself. [quote name='♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫' timestamp='1299405280' post='5054965'] [center][Spoiler=Chapter 1 - Stolen] "Now Ember Crossfire finish this," he commanded his mighty monster. The black warrior's red outlines began to glow as if Lava was building up. And then from its shoulders two crimson arrows fired at his opponent and he won the duel. [b]Not entirely a flaw, but it's extremely cliche to start any story with the final move of a duel, not helped by the fact it's a custom monster. Lava is not a proper noun and should not have been capitalized.[/b] "AND THERE WE HAVE IT!" the Announcer yelled, "WE HAVE A NEW KING OF GAMES!" "NOW SAY HELLO TO THE NEWEST KING!" his voice began to crack from all the yelling, "JOHAN MARUKI!" "That was quite some duel Johan," said his opponent as he shook his hand. "Lucky draw got you the win," he said laughing, "But I'll get you next time." The gray and purple haired youth began laughing and chiding his opponent. [b]Who's the purple haired youth? Johan or his opponent? Neither are very well described. Plus, if this was a TITLE match for King of Games, the loser should be way more upset about it, even if a good sport. He sounds like he doesn't even care.[/b] "Ummm," said a female voice, "Ares, sir would you mind if I intervened." Johan turned around to see the girl of his dreams she walked up to the new King of Games she was still wearing her Obelisk Blue uniform and then out of thin air she kissed him. [b]I feel like I'm missing a lot of information, but thankfully...[/b] *********************************************************** "JOHAN MARUKI!" yelled an all to familiar voice. Johan got up and began to yell, "THANK YOU THANK YOU!" "I'M SIMPLY BETTER THAN EVERYONE," he continued. He then opened his eyes to see his surroundings were obviously his classroom back at Academia Island. [b]Hmm. Dream sequence. There is no non-dialogue between the two statements, so they should not have had their own quotation marks, also it's very awkward for him to be yelling that after waking up, despite the dream. The yelling, not the words. People yell more to make themselves heard, but he should have been subtly aware of a change in volume (no cheering crowd in his classroom) and his first instinct should probably not have been to yell.[/b] "If you're done with the show," said a scrawny bald man. The man was to pale for his own good and looked malnourished. His normal tie was undone over his white collared shirt. "I would you to recite word for word," the man smiled, "The address the Dark King made when his conquest of eastern Europe was complete." Johan looked blankly at the bored looking for some help which he got he recited the exact speech as his teacher had written much to his professor's astonishment. [b]You seem to use the wrong kind of "too". Also, if the speech was written on the board, why is that either astonishing or difficult?[/b] "Well if thats all Mr. Bowers," he said patting off his gray denim jeans, "I'll think I'll take my leave." Johan took his Slifer Red blazer of his chair and threw it on. It was hand me down and was pretty long for a Slifer jacket but he didn't care as he threw on over his v-neck white shirt. Johan walked towards the door and as he opened it he ran to someone he had just finished dreaming about. And unfortunately for Johan his "little buddy" seemed a little to happy and just a little late in waking up. [b]Um...isn't he in the middle of class? Why does he think he can just leave? Also, you said he threw it on twice, the only difference being the second time you described what he was wearing. Oh, subtle erection joke. Hilarious [/sarcasm]. Except it doesn't make sense, because not only do we not have any real description of his desired female, but the two statements seem to contradict themselves by "seemed too happy" and "late in waking up". Presumably the latter is a reference to exiting a dream, but it's worded badly for that. Also, you don't show any reaction to the event, so it's entirely pointless. Ugh, I can't believe I just had a miniature discussion about properly using erection references.[/b] **************3 Days later************** [b]No. This is NOT how you segueway or timeskip. You can do a break of lines, but you put the time that passed in the following sentence.[/b] While on his bed in the Slifer dorm Johan looked around he couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't such a loser maybe she would like him. As he thought back to that day. He wondered if he was even good enough of a duelist, to defend his own "honor" or whatever that other Obelisk kid was doing for Asura. [b]You have not given any indication of the situation, and so we dont know what he's going on about. What "other Obelisk kid"? We can conclude the girl's name is Asura, but this is the first we've heard it now.[/b] "Well," Johan said to himself; his roommate no where to be found, "I guess I'll find out later." Johan then closed his eyes and went back to sleep. He woke up and was irritated to no end. It was pissing him off, all these prep school wannabes. Johan knew he would mop the floor with this kid whatever his name was. The minutes turned into hours as he bore his golden eyes into the ceiling he couldn't help but wonder though. Did the prep school really help someone be a better duelist? "Nah," he said to himself. Just when he said that the door knob turned. Johan didn't mind it because he just assumed it was his roommate. Then about four kids ran into the room and grabbed him out of bed. The guy who challenged walked into the room and seemed to be looking around for something. They then but a potato sack over his head. He heard a draw open and one of his henchmen said "Found it boss." [b]What the hell? This whole section is horrible. He awoke immediately angry regarding (presumably) Obelisk Blue students. We dont know why he's angry, and it's more alarming that he had just woken up before these thoughts surfaced. He shouldn't have gone to sleep, in my opinion, because now his emotions seem skewed. And suddenly four people burst into his room and grab him. What "guy who challenged"? What's going on? Who calls their classmates "boss", even if they are subservient?[/b] "Good bring it this kid is too pathetic to even have one of those," the "boss" sneered. He wanted to yell but just when he opened his mouth he felt a sharp pain on the small of his back and just collapsed. [b]What?[/b] *************A Hour Later******************** Johan woke up with a start and everything was black, he guessed the sack was still on his head. Just then a blinding light shone as the potato sack was removed from his head. [b]Convenient, he wakes just before they take the sack off. Maybe they waited around for him to wake, but still. And uh...isn't the point of sacking someone's head to be so they don't see who's involved?[/b] "It's amusing," the "boss" said to Johan, "How some first year Slifer could even hope to challenge a third year Obelisk like myself. "But when you show up you won't even have any cards," said the arrogant guy. Johan still felt his deck in the inside pocket of his jacket so what was this guy talking about. Then the guy brought out some cards which he had obviously taken them from the drawer in Johan's room. Johan stayed quite not wanting him to know that he had stolen the wrong deck. "So now we'll get down to business," as he said one of his Ra Yellow goons brought forth something in a large canister. "This here freshman is a fire hazard," as he dropped the cards into the canister Johan immediately knew what he meant; the were was a large puff of smoke and he knew his old deck was burning. He tried to look as devastated as possible. "Well know that were done here bag him and take him back," said the leader. The four goons that had taken him here obviously were closely related. They each seemed to look like big buff African males. They each had the same long facial features and the small wisp of a goatee growing. [i]Great I'm being kidnapped by some Egyptian crazies,[/i] he thought, [i]This day can't get any worse.[/i] And then again he was wrong as one of the Egyptian bodyguards hit him in the same spot and again he was out cold. [b]Yup, definitely should have kept the sack over his head so HE COULDNT IDENTIFY YOU! So a Blue student has both Blue AND Yellow subservients? Wow, that's...different. Weird. a******-ish. And I'm not even sure what to think involving the Egyptian guys. Still, I didn't like this scene. It felt contrived and pointless, sort of reminiscent of GX where Misawa's deck is thrown into the ocean so he can't duel, but it turns out he has six other decks considered equally powerful. Except this is more random, violent, and stupid.[/b] ************Then another hour passes*************** Johan woke up in his room again his roommate looking intensively at him. "You okay big guy?" asked his roommate who was about 5'9" average build and in his Slifer Blazer looked a little to big for him. [b]Random description time.[/b] "Yeah I'm fine, Ridder," Johan replied. Ridder Behoeden was a dutch duelist, and apparently on of the best where he comes from, but unfortunately he didn't have the money to start in Obelisk. Johan got up looking around and then looked in his blazer's pocket luckily for him his real deck never fell out. "You saw those guys drag me in here," he asked Ridder, "Right?" "Yeah I did I came in around the same time," he replied, "They were joking about how you'll get kicked out without a deck." "You do still have yours?" he asked. "Yeah of course," Johan answered by taking his real deck out of his inside blazer pocket he laughed at the stupidity of his next opponent. Johan then looked at his clock, "Well it seems I have a duel to go and win." [b]Wait, so the guy who had you KIDNAPPED, stole your deck and BURNED it in front of you is stupid because he got the wrong deck and not bcause he personally came to your dorm, had you knocked out, stole your deck, burned it so you could see his identity, and randomly brought you back to your dorm? God, what was wrong with having one guy knock you out, steal your deck, and burn it without you knowing if they wanted to humiliate you by you not having your cards? And you LAUGH THIS OFF?![/b] "Wait, Johan you gonna tell me what happened?" Ridder seemed really concerned with his best friend. [b]Oh good, someone is worried.[/b] "Yeah of course dog," Johan said joking with his friend filling him on the details on there way to the Academy's arena. [b]AND HE DOESN'T FREAK OUT?![/b] When they made it there Johan's opponent seemed surprised at his arrival, "Well looks like you didn't chicken out." "And did you even bring your deck with you?" as his opponent inquired him Johan as he revealed his hidden, real deck. [b]Two statements without non-dialogue between them do not need separate quotations.[/b] "Now how about we Start things up?" Johan asked placing his deck into his duel disk and his Life Point total increasing to 4000 and his opponent did the same. "This is gonna be a little amusing," Johan chided his opponent, "Wouldn't you agree?" [/spoiler] [spoiler=Chapter 2 - The King has Arrived?!?(preview)] As Johan begins his duel with his opponent, Irrite, he reveals his deck of cards given to him by his mother before she passed away, The Cyber Heroes! But it seems his opponent isn't himself as stated by his lackeys during the match. And soon Johan finds him self dueling not only for his own but his best friends life. [spoiler=Featured Cards] [spoiler=Cyber Hero - Ember Crossfire][IMG]http://i756.photobucket.com/albums/xx203/Sawoe/CH4.jpg[/IMG] [/spoiler][spoiler=The King of Demons - Chimera][IMG]http://i756.photobucket.com/albums/xx203/Sawoe/KoD-C.jpg[/IMG][/spoiler][/spoiler][/spoiler][/center] [/quote] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫♪GoldenBoy♪♫ Posted April 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 14, 2011 [quote name='evilfusion' timestamp='1299713675' post='5063315'] Okay, I'll go through this, putting comments in bold throughout the story itself. [/quote] Thank you for your comments and I have begun to edit the story to tailor things I've missed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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