Yu-Gi-Oh!~Calamity's Awakening (Chapter 1 Remastered: Trial from the Shadows)

[Divine Chaos]

Hi everyone, this is my second fan fic on YCM. My first was... alright (altough I think it was kind of a bust). I'm not quitting on that one quite yet, but I won't update it for a while either. Anyway, take a look at what I've written. This is only Chapter 1 and it's just the beginning of the plotline (It's not the best ever, so criticize as you see fit). My protagonist is...not quite what'd you expect, but again, this isn't going to be perfect, so comments/criticism/praise of any kind is highly welcomed. A full review would be appreciated as well. All right enough with talking, here comes Chapter 1.

(This marks Antimony's return?! Nah, just kidding. You'll have to gues who the un-named person is on your own.)
[spoiler=Chapter 01]


















“I attack your Elemental Hero Gaia!” Fubuki declared. Behind him, the immense Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier roared and let loose a torrent of chilling ice from its mouth, obliterating the heavily armored hero. The opponent he was facing dropped to his knees and faded away as the <Duel Simulator> slowly shut down at Fubuki’s command. As the scene of the arena disappeared from existence, the boy’s outfit returned to his normal high school uniform. Brushing a hand through his short brown hair, he stood and removing the helmet-like simulator controller, stretched for about half of a minute.


Glancing around his room, his eye alighted on the deck of Duel Monsters cards lying on the nightstand next to his bed. He picked it up and rifled through it, pausing here and there to insert and remove cards. Satisfied, he placed it within the deck box strapped to his belt.
Going to the window, he opened it and let the warm air, along with a cool breeze, waft into his room. The lively chatter of people on the street, coupled with the honking and rumble of cars, soon reached his ears before he headed out the door of his room. He paused briefly, wondering whether he needed to bring anything else, then walked down the hallway and shouldered out into the open city.
The scorching heat hit him with the force of a physical blow. Although heat like this was prevalent during the summertime, somehow a portion of that heat had stolen its way to the early spring. Fubuki smiled as he looked up at the clear sky and bright, piercing sun. Whatever the weather, he was glad to be outside.
~
A tall, golden haired woman paced about in her office as if her mind were torn between two equally difficult options. Engrossed in her thoughts, she ignored the marvelous view one would see of a city atop a skyscraper. After a few minutes of this, she sank into a chair, still deep in thought.
Closing her eyes to the world, Dlaecia sighed. Staying cooped up in an office always left her feeling irritable, but it was necessary in order to get information out of the database, whether for her own plans or the organization she was a part of. Even so, sitting in place didn’t go well with her personality, and she had had to resist urges to smash everything in sight just out of pure spite.
Finally making up her mind, Dlaecia stood and went out of the room. Most of her colleagues were either busy or had locked their doors; in either case, none paid her much attention. As she walked toward the elevators, she heard someone calling her name. Surprised, she turned around.
A tall man was sitting by the coffee machine, idly stirring milk into his cup. As he looked up, his hand went to brush away the strands of red that marked the fringe of his black hair. “Going out so soon?” he asked casually.
Dlaecia rolled her eyes. “You know how I am. Sit too long and I’ll start giving hell to anything or anyone who comes by. It just doesn’t fell right to sit and do almost nothing when more could be done by actual hands-on work.”
Reiji grinned. “You never were one to wait patiently. Still, I can’t blame you for that, seeing what we went through those few years ago.” Dlaecia’s face tightened slightly at this and Reiji decided not to delve further into that particular topic.
Dlaecia seemed to relax for a moment, and then squared her shoulders. “I’ll be going now,” she said and went off toward the elevator. A moment later, the ding announcing the elevator’s arrival could be heard. As the doors closed, Reiji sighed.
“I guess I’ll have to do her paperwork for the day. Damn, I really hate that.”
~
It was late afternoon by the time Fubuki got back from his excursion. People thronged the streets, occasionally slipping into shops as they found them. Although there were lots of pedestrians, it was still somewhat easy to navigate and Fubuki easily got through the crowd. Turning up a corner into a shortcut to his home, his mind began to wander again.
Lots of things were on Fubuki’s mind recently. Dueling, anime, books he wanted to read, (possibly?) dating, things like that. Most of the time, what settled on the forefront of his mind was simply school. In his freshman year, Fubuki had established an excellent reputation, both with schoolwork and social relations. Now, in his sophomore year, all he needed to do was keep himself going and improve along the way.
Having been immersed in his thoughts, Fubuki didn’t notice that there was someone blocking his way until he nearly walked into the man. At nearly the last moment, he realized there was someone standing in the road and jerked back.
The man standing before him was, to say the least, intimidating. His tall, muscular body was covered with what appeared to be gray body armor. The lower half of his body was clad in a similar fashion. A dark-colored visor obscured his eyes from view and his unruly hair fell about messily.
The man glanced Fubuki up and down. The latter, being somewhat confused by this inspection, asked, “Excuse me, could you move? It’s getting late and I’d prefer to be at home.” The man didn’t respond, so he repeated his request.
Finally, the man looked up. “I’m afraid that you can’t go home quite just yet. Well, not unless you don’t wish to live any longer.”
“What the…” Fubuki seemed even more confused by this statement. [i]Great, I ran into a lunatic. Now what do I-[/i]
“I am not insane, if that’s what you believe,” the man continued, stepping back a bit. “However, unless you are given proper instruction, the coming days will erase your existence from all of eternity. Now, will you listen or do I have to beat you down to get your compliance?”
“Erasure of existence? Don’t screw around with me!” Fubuki snarled, and leaping forward, kicked at the man’s side. Before his attack could land, the man simply flicked his wrist and Fubuki was knocked flying. His head hit a streetlamp.
As Fubuki struggled to his feet, he realized something that should have made itself apparent to him a long while ago. Ever since he had nearly bumped into this man, there had been no sounds except for their voices. Gazing around Fubuki saw that it was true, no people or cars were anywhere in sight. They were alone in an empty city.
“Understand now?” The man’s voice came out again, “This is my ability, <Endless Road>. While you are within its radius, no matter where you run, there will be no escape. However, it seems that I will have to conduct my test in a different manner.”
“Test?” Fubuki mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.
“Indeed,” the man replied, “If I were to fight you now in your condition, you would be killed instantly. So we’ll have to do this differently.” From out of thin air, a Duel Disk appeared on his arm and activated. “Call this a test of caliber if you will; all you have to do is show your capability.”
“You’ll regret this,” Fubuki said, as he pressed a button on the device attached to wrist. A glowing vortex of aurora light surrounded him, and as it faded, his Duel Disk materialized. With a silvery blade as its outer edge, it bore quite some resemblance to a sword. Six cards shot from the Deck into their owners’ hands as they turned to face their opponent. “Duel!” As the Duel began, blackness covered the world, leaving only the white outlines of buildings and nearby objects. All color faded away, except from the two combatants.
“I’ll take the first turn,” Fubuki stated. “Come forth, my loyal warrior! Frost Kingdom’s Elite- Gendo the Ice Samurai!” As he place the card onto the silver blade of his D. Disk, the monster depicted upon it sprang forth, a tall man, dressed in elaborate blue armor, wielding a katana with careless ease.
[spoiler=Frost Kingdom’s Elite- Gendo the Ice Samurai]
Level 4/ Water
Warrior/Effect
If this card is destroyed by battle, select one monster on your opponent’s field with lower attack than the monster that destroyed this card. Destroy that card.
ATK 1800 DEF 1300
[/spoiler]
“I place two cards face down and end my turn,” Fubuki said, placing his cards down with a flourish. “Your move.”
The man had been calmly observing the duel during Fubuki’s turn, but now a surge of power seemed to rush through him. “My turn. I call forth Hellgate Illusionist in attack position!” A purple fog slowly enveloped the air and swirled about a central point before slowly fading away. In its place was a teenager, clad in a gray uniform of some sort with a tattered cloak draped around his shoulders. A long spear was clutched in his hands.
[spoiler = Hellgate Illusionist][indent=1]Dark/Level 4
Spellcaster/Effect
During your Battle Phase only, if you control a face-up "Hellgate" monster, increase this card's ATK by 300. If this card is removed from the field by a card effect your opponent controls, special summon one level 3 or lower "Hellgate" monster from your deck. That monster cannot be used as a Synchro or Xyz Material monster.
ATK 1700 DEF 1300[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]“I shall also play the spell card, Equivalence,” he continued, “which will allow me to banish any amount of cards from my hand to shuffle my Deck and draw the same amount.”[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Equivalence][/indent]
[indent=1]Spell Card[/indent]
[indent=1]Banish any number of cards from your hand. Then shuffle your deck and draw cards equal to the amount of cards you banished[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]“I will banish two,” the man declared, “and draw two in exchange.” As the man’s Deck began auto-shuffling, Fubuki pondered what significance this move could have. [i]He probably just had a bad hand and wanted to change it up a little,[/i] he thought, but he had a suspicion there was something much larger than that behind the move.[/indent]
[indent=1]His suspicion was proven an instant later when the man held up another card. “By Hellgate Progeny’s effect, I may Special Summon him if he is added to my hand outside a normal draw.”[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Hellgate Progeny][/indent]
[indent=1]Light/Level 3
[Fiend/Effect/Tuner]
If this card is added to your hand outside of the Draw Phase, special summon it. You cannot special summon Level 5 or higher monsters while this card is face-up on the field.
ATK/ 1300 DEF/ 1000[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]A young boy leapt forward onto the battleground. His clothes were rugged and dirty. A malicious, almost insane grin was stretched across his features. But the worst part of it was the large bloodstained hole straight in the center of his chest.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Now I will have my Illusionist attack!” The command startled Fubuki; after all, it was plain suicide. “But his opponent wasn’t finished, “While I control a Hellgate monster other than the illusionist himself, he gains 300 attack points!” The wicked Spellcaster grinned as a demonic aura wrapped itself around him, powering him up.[/indent]
[indent=1]A quick stab slew the samurai, and brought Fubuki’s life down somewhat, but it was far from over. “When my samurai’s destroyed, I can kill one of your monsters as long as they’re weaker than the one that took him down. Obviously, that would be your Hellgate Progeny!” [/indent]
[center][center]Fubuki: 3800[/center][/center]
[center][center]???: 4000[/center][/center]
[indent=1]A ghostly figure drifted forth from the Graveyard and swung at the young boy, who shrieked and ran. The man smiled. “Too naïve. I activate Claw of the Hellbound! When a Hellgate monster of mine would be removed from the field, I may discard a card to negate that effect. Then we both draw.”[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler= Claw of the Hellbound][/indent]
[indent=1]Quick-play Spell
When a face-up "Hellgate" monster would be removed from the field by a card effect, send one "Hellgate" monster from your hand to the graveyard. Negate the effect, then each player draws a card.[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]Suddenly, a gigantic claw burst forth from the ground, crushing the ghost in its deadly talons. Fubuki grimaced as his card’s effect dissipated. [i]I guess it’s come to that, eh.[/i][/indent]
[indent=1]Hellgate Progeny lunged across the field once more, lightning sparking from his fingers and his demented face becoming even more gleeful. “Trap, activate! Grave of Freezing Torment!” Fubuki shouted. “If I would sustain damage from a direct attack, I can reveal a WATER monster with higher attack than your card to negate the attack. Then you take the backlash of your monster’s attack points!” [/indent]
[indent=1]As Fubuki showed his opponent a card from his hand, a jagged chunk of ice fell from nowhere, smashing into the young boy’s head. As he screamed, the ice broke into tiny fragments, which pelted the visored man, who made no sort of reaction to the damage.[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler=Grave of Freezing Torment][/indent]
[indent=1]Activate only if you are attacked directly. Reveal one WATER monster from your hand with higher attack than the attacking monster: negate the attack and inflict damage to your opponent equal to the damage you would have taken.[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[center][center]Fubuki: 3800[/center][/center]
[center][center]???: 2700[/center][/center]
[indent=1]“Impressive,” the man admitted. “I’ll lay a card face down. Thus concludes my turn.”[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki exhaled as he drew. He hadn’t expected to have had to use his Trap card so early, but it didn’t matter. What he needed to do was to get some answers from the man, even if he had to beat them from him.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Once per Duel, I can special summon this card from my hand. Come, Frost Kingdom’s Avian- Tsubasa the White Raven!” A gigantic bird soared from some point in the sky overhead and landed in front of its master. It spread its wings and cawed. “I then Normal Summon Frost Kingdom’s Mage- Eiren the Exemplary Scholar!” This time, a girl wearing a shimmering blue robe and carrying a leather-bound book came forth.[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler= Frost Kingdom’s Avian- Tsubasa the White Raven and Frost Kingdom’s Mage- Eiren the Exemplary Scholar ][/indent]
[indent=1]Wind/ Level 4[/indent]
[indent=1]Winged Beast/Effect[/indent]
[indent=1]Once per Duel, you may special summon this card from your hand while you control no monsters.[/indent]
[indent=1]ATK 1800 DEF 1500[/indent]
[indent=1]Dark/ Level 4[/indent]
[indent=1]Spellcaster/Effect[/indent]
[indent=1]Once per turn, by returning one “Frost Kingdom” monster you control to your hand, select one Spell/Trap Card and return it to its owner’s Deck.[/indent]
[indent=1]ATL 1600 DEF 1400[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]“Now, attack!” Fubuki exclaimed, pointing at his opponent’s monsters. The giant bird shot off toward the magician and tore him in two, while Eiren froze Hellgate Progeny solid before smashing him into pieces.[/indent]
[center][center]Fubuki: 3800[/center][/center]
[center][center]???: 2300[/center][/center]
[indent=1]“I will end my turn here,” Fubuki said. His opponent seemed much too calm despite the fact that the match had been unfavorable towards him the whole while. He drew and then spoke, as composed as before. [/indent]
[indent=1]“Why do you fight me, Fubuki?”[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki jerked back, surprised. “What do you mean? You’re the one who came out of nowhere and blocked my way, then challenged me to a Duel.”[/indent]
[indent=1]The man nodded. “Exactly. You base your assumption of numerous facts you believe support your guess. But what if your guess is flawed; what then?”[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki sighed “I can’t see what you’re getting at here.”[/indent]
[indent=1]The visored man spread his arms. “I’m talking about choice. I chose to act hostilely in order to confront you. Life is made up of many choices, after all. Some believe that fate has already been ordained and therefore our futures cannot be changed. I don’t like that theory because I believe that while there is already a path before us, we can choose to break away from that path and go our own way.”[/indent]
[indent=1]“So the question is,” the man continued, “when the time comes and the lives of those you care about, possibly even the lives of those whom you don’t know are cast upon you, can you make the correct choice and save their lives? Or will you fail and be dragged down along with them?”[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki bit his lip, thinking hard.[i] How would such a situation end up being in my hands? What would I do? Damn it, I don’t know! It’s-[/i][/indent]
[indent=1]The man laughed quietly. “Don’t beat yourself up trying to answer it. It’s hard to give a true answer unless you’ve been face with such a scenario. But it should give you something to agonize over for a while. I summon Hellgate Assaulter.”[/indent]
[indent=1]A fiend-like warrior came to the field. It carried a large bone boomerang over its shoulders. “This card can attack all monsters you currently have out,” the man explained, but all damage from this card becomes halved.”[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler= Hellgate Assaulter]
Dark/Level 4
[Warrior/Effect]
This monster can attack all monsters your opponent controls once. All damage your opponent takes from a battle involving this monster becomes halved. If this card is destroyed by battle, send two "Hellgate" monsters from your Deck to the Graveyard.
ATK/ 1800 DEF/ 500[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]The warrior hefted its boomerang and flung it across the field. It smashed into Eiren first, and looped around toward Tsubasa, who took off toward its owner. As the giant raven tore it foe to shreds, the boomerang returned home and cut the bird in two.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Assaulter has another effect,” the man informed Fubuki, “When it’s destroyed, I can send two “Hellgate” monsters from my Deck to the Graveyard.” As he deposited the cards, an ominous aura settled around him. “When five Hellgate monsters are converged in the Graveyard, I can banish them in order to summon Hellgate Obliterator.”[/indent]
[indent=1]Five black spheres rose from the ground and circled above, each slowly expanding until all five were clumped together in a roiling black mass. As the shadowy blob began to form a definite shape, the man chanted, “When darkened spirits join together and shadows rule the earth, a ruler of darkness shall rise forth from the crimson door and take dominance of the earth once more! Come, vanquisher of the black abyss, Hellgate Obliterator!!!”[/indent]
[indent=1]A shadowy figure descended to the field. The main torso was that of a teenager, but the arms from the elbow down were dragon’s claws and the legs from the knee below were that of some monstrous beast. Leathery wings sprouted from his back and a strange flickering emerald orb replaced his left eye.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Turn end.” The man said, while Fubuki gazed in horror at the terrifying monstrosity. The stats of the monster flashed up : 3200 ATK and 2500 DEF.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Well now, Fubuki,” the man said casually, “how are you going to get out of this pinch? The only I can see right now is for you to miraculously draw a card to beat my monster and win the Duel. But can you draw that miracle card, ‘Luckless boy’?” [/indent]
[indent=1]“Ghh..” Fubuki ground his teeth in frustration. Many stated that being a successful Duelist required three things: having a good, balanced Deck, knowing how to counter and read strategies, and natural instinct. Some, however, argued the need for a fourth component: Luck. Whatever the case, Fubuki did not have that last component. Whenever he needed some miracle draw, his hope would be snuffed as easily as it had ignited. So the nickname “Luckless” had come about; although Fubuki had won more Duels than he lost by a huge margin, the unlucky miracle draw often came up just when he felt like the curse would fade.[/indent]
[indent=1]“I draw,” Fubuki glanced silently at the card, then set a monster and ended his turn.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Hellgate Blackshroud, emerge,” the man ordered and a black mass flowed outward and came up, taking the shape of a cloud.[/indent]
[indent=1][spoiler= Hellgate Blackshroud]
Wind/ Level 2
If this card attacks a monster with higher DEF than this card’s ATK, you can banish this face-up card to destroy that monster.
ATK 1500 DEF 0[/indent]
[indent=1][/spoiler][/indent]
[indent=1]“Hellgate Blackshroud attacks your monster and destroys it by its effect,” the man stated as the back mass exploded upon coming into contact with a young boy carrying a large shield with 2200 DEF.[/indent]
[indent=1]“I will also activate Dark King Pulsar. When a monster on your field is successfully destroyed by a Hellgate monster’s effect, I can deal damage to you equal to a monster that I control’s attack points. However, this turn, I cannot attack.” As the card flipped up, Hellgate Obliterator raised his hand and fired a ball of raging black flames at him.[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki screamed. The mass of flames was real! It burned away at him, charring his clothes and scorching his flesh. And the pain; the agony was unbearable. As he fell backward, crumpling into a heap, the man disengaged the Duel Disks (ending the duel) and went over to him.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Hm,” he said, “it seems your power has woken somewhat or you would have been near death. However, it has not progressed as much as I would have hoped. Still, it shielded you, so perhaps…” his voice trailed off.[/indent]
[indent=1]“Wh…what power?” Fubuki asked feebly, “I…d-don’t have…anyt-thing like that.”[/indent]
[indent=1]The man’s eyebrows rose. “You’re still conscious? You’re stronger than I give you credit for. Well, no matter. If you want some questions answered or proper guidance, you will have to seek it elsewhere. Right now, you need to get to the hospital.”[/indent]
[indent=1]“Wa..wait,” Fubuki gasped, but his head swam woozily again, and his mind fell forth into the eternal night of unconsciousness.
[size=4][/spoiler][/size]

[size=4][spoiler=Author's comments/spoilers][/size]
[size=4]So yeah, that's the first "chapter" of my fic. Hope it was a good read. [/size]I changed it massively from the Prologue I had up for a while. Kind of thought it rushe a little, but i wanted to have the ball rolling from chapter one, so yeah. Anyway, please comment, even if it's just a few lines. Full reviews are highly wanted and appreciated, though!

[size=4]Trivia : Anyone catch the reference to my former fic?[/size]
[size=4][/spoiler][/size][/indent]

[Divine Chaos]

Bump

[Agro]

I'm not going to Foe this, but I do want to post what I'm thinking as I read through it to better give you an idea of what needs to be done to write this better.
[spoiler='Yu-Gi-Oh! Existence of Calamity?]
[b]For starters: why is there a question mark in the name? Does that make sense to you? It's kinda like this:[/b]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmDgl-Y-kiU&feature=related

[size=4]“Agghh!” The sound of a teen screaming in pain rebounded across the room and through the halls as a boy with short brown hair, garbed in a high school uniform, grabbed at his chest and writhed across the floor, all the while with his face contorted in agony. On the ground around him, ice was slowly spreading outward, turning the floor into a flat slippery sheet. After a few moments, the screams died in his throat, and he lay curled on the ground, breathing in short ragged gasps.[/size]

[b]So, this is a supernatural story. Alright. A little too descriptive. I'm sure someone will call hypocrite on me for that, but it doesn't matter if it's true. Too many commas in a sentence is NEVER a good sign.[/b]

[size=4]A tall man who had been standing nearby now went over to the boy and, placing his hand on his arm, began to melt away the[b] ice that crept up half the boy’s body[/b]. After a few moments, the man removed his hand from the boy, who got to his feet, shivering. A girl who had been watching the whole turn of events now rushed forward. “Fubuki-kun, are you all right?” she asked anxiously.[/size]

[b]Bolded part sounds awkward. It's either a mistake in tense or bad wording.[/b]

[size=4]The boy did not speak at first. Taking ragged breaths, he trudged over to where his white scarf lay and wound it up around his shoulders. After a moment, he turned around and looked at the girl. His eyes were as cold and dead as the ice that had bound him moments before. Uttering a shaky and humorless laugh, he said, “Do you even have to ask that, Setsuna-san? How…can I be fine when every use of my power leaves me near death? What kind of existence is one that can’t even live without a life mod on?” [b]and here,[/b] his fingers clutched at the device strapped to his chest under his shirt, “And what sort of life is mine, that I have to fear both myself and this world?”[/size]

[b]He really shouldn't be laughing there, it doesn't support what he's saying. Oh, and what's a life mod? More importantly, why is the bolded part even in there? From what he says, I assume it's some sort of life support thing? But I couldn't tell cause he talks funny.[/b]

[size=4]Setsuna stepped back from him. “You don’t have to blow up on me,” she started, but Fubuki cut her off before she finished. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It’s just that… I struggle through every one of my waking hours with the shadow of death looming over me. How can I even live like this? What meaning is there to my life? Even my own power turns on me, and yet I still live, as if to receive more of this endless torture. Despite that, I still go about and smile, and yet… maybe more worth might come about if I just died here…”[/size]

[b]Important tip that I'm SURE I mentioned before: Whenever a new person speaks, put it in a new paragraph because it's technically a new idea. I feel like this is an arc of a manga where the character tries and fails to get a new power, like Naruto. Except in this one, the character doesn't discover his power and we have no idea how he was before and therefore lose much chance for character development.[/b]

[size=4]Fubuki, still looking rather forlorn, brushed off further conversation and soon headed off toward his room within the building. Feeling frustrated, Setsuna sighed and not even bothering to turn her head, asked, “Done watching yet, Miyabino?”[/size]

[size=4][b]Forlorn is still the best word ever. [/b][/size]

[size=4]A tall teenager [/size][b](comma) [/b][size=4]with his long [b](comma)[/b] pale [/size][b](comma)[/b] blue hair falling down [b](as opposed to up)[/b] across his face [b](comma)[/b] stepped out from where he had been watching the proceedings and came toward her, looking as bored as if he had sat through hours of drudgery. “Honestly, show some more concern for your best friend here!” Setsuna chided.

[size=4]“How about you first quit calling me by my last name?” [b](I don't recall her ever calling him by a name, let alone his last one) [/b]Miyabino re[color=#ff0000][b]p[/b][/color]lied with a hint of a smirk. Setsuna rolled her eyes. “Fine, [i]Shoichi[/i].” She paced back and forth for a moment before turning around again. “Honestly, Fubuki just seems to be getting worse and worse. He[b][s][color=#ff0000]’s[/color][/s][/b] collapsed for the [color=#FF0000][b]fifth[/b][/color] time this week! If this keeps up, he could di…” [s][b][color=#ff0000]but[/color][/b][/s] here she faltered, worry etched across her face.[/size]

[size=4][b]Well that's more serious than I was taking it...[/b][/size]

[size=4]Shoichi scratched his head. “Look, you’re not wrong by being worried, but Fubuki’s not a weakling; he may be frail, but he can handle himself pretty well. Give [b](*)[/b] some credit; he’s been at it for six years now.”[/size]

[b][size=4]* Now I know that it's usual in writing to leave out words in dialogue to make it seem more realistic and flow better, but "him" stilll makes sense there.[/size][/b]

[size=4]Setsuna began twisting her black ponytail agitatedly. “But that’s the point. He may be able to overcome the physical limits of his body, but his mind takes on a huge strain, and his pessimism may well lead to...death.” She whispered this last word, as if saying it any louder would demand its reality.[/size]

[b][size=4]I think she likes him, what do you think random guy on the street?[/size][/b]

[b][color=#0000ff][size=4]Random Guy on the Street: Uh, sure.[/size][/color][/b]

[b][size=4]Thank you random guy on the street. Wait, that felt like a foe fiction... RETURN TO FORM![/size][/b]

[size=4]“Hey now, Fubuki’s not going towards suicide, if that’s what you’re thinking. Although,” Shoichi said, raising his eyes upward toward the higher floors of the building, “the whole irony of the thing is that we’re[color=#ff8c00] [b]in a place that’s supposed to be helping those of us with abilities to control and unload the burden we carry[/b][/color], and yet, we can’t help him. No one can, except for himself,” he finished grimly. “If it helps, I’ll talk with one of our [color=#ff8c00][b]instructors[/b][/color] [b][color=#ff8c00](*)[/color][/b] tomorrow and see if they know anything new. But if they did, [b][color=#ff8c00]I’m sure they would have mentioned it by now. (**)[/color][/b]”[/size]

[color=#ff8c00][b]Orange signifies an obviously important point that without made reading everything above extremely confusing. * Signifies school setting. **And they've been there for a while...[/b][/color]

[size=4]Setsuna sighed, “[b]I guess if anyone knows the answer, they’re far from Enkerinea now.[/b]” Both of them stared moodily into thin air, hoping for inspiration to hit. Although it didn’t, the word Setsuna had brought up conjured a different image for them.[/size]

[b]This doesn't make any sense, even if we knew who or what this Enkerinea person were. Speaking of which...[/b]

[size=4][color=#ff8c00][b]Enkerinea, the very building they were standing in right now[/b][/color], had been founded almost ten years ago to protect and help instruct those who held the unnatural abilities that came from who-knows-where.[/size]

[b]So it's a school, a place, so that makes more sense. But still...[/b]

[size=4]At first, it had been a private organization, filled with those who had managed to maintain dominance over their power through their life and could now support themselves. Soon than later, it caught the attention of the higher political forces. Empowered people were something that had been dealt with before, but the end result had always been execution or imprisonment.[/size]

[b]So magic... they're witches and wizards... being trained by the government; if it wasn't controlled by the gov, then there would be no problem because this kid can't control his powers and that's a no-no.[/b]

[size=4]Upon finding a place both willing and capable to deal with these “threats to society” and bring about a change, the government struck up talks with the founders of Enkerinea and provided them with funding to go about their job as before (albeit slightly more lavishly).[/size]

[size=4][b]They're thought of as threats to humanity that must be trained to use their powers to threaten humanity.[/b][/size]

[size=4]Soon the organization started revamping itself and also changing its purposes to something more along the lines of what the creators had intended: to have it become a school of sorts to those who had powers. As the place flourished, it became a sanctuary to those who knew of it and more often than not, many who had abilities of their own fled there for some peace.[/size]
[b]Well, that's convenient. OR IS THIS JAPANESE X-MEN?![/b]

[size=4]Even so, having such a place did not guarantee perfection. As it was, many still struggled against their unearthly powers [b](not x-men...)[/b] and, quite often enough, perished, sometimes taking others along to their deaths. [b](damn the government sucks... comletely realistic too) [/b]Even those who fled to Enkerinea did not always find the sort of paradise they imagined. And although occurrences were rare, there had been a few in the past whose abilities had become dominant within their user and could easily overwhelm both its possessor and others in the process. [b][color=#ff8c00](*) Fubuki was one of these. There was no real cure, and the few who lived in such situations managed somehow during their lifespan to tame it, or die trying.[/color][/b][/size]

[b]As far as I can tell, this is a mix between X-Men and Harry Potter, I think that because all I can do is assume so far. [color=#ff8c00]* So the apparent main character will either learn his ability or die trying. Good to know, we'll check back on this midway through the story.[/color][/b]

[size=4]It just so happened that Fubuki’s ability, pertaining to the creation and manipulation of ice, taxed him greatly. Not helping matters was the fact that his body was rather frail and random outbursts of power would leave his body a wreck, sometimes disappearing with his heart still feeble or near stopping altogether. So Fubuki was forced to wear a device 24/7 that maintained his heart rate at a steady level; without it, his chance of perishing was great.[/size]

[b][size=4]That middle sentence also confuses me. And FINALLY we are told what that device is.[/size][/b]

[size=4]Setsuna and Shoichi, being good friends of his, grew worried upon hearing news of another incident involving their friend and had often tried to find some way to ease the pains their friend bore. Their efforts unfortunately [b](comma)[/b] were to no avail, and they could [color=#ff0000][b]therefore[/b] [b][s]merely[/s] only[/b][/color] stand by and watch helplessly as time after time, the icy shadows threatened to steal Fubuki’s very life.[/size]

[size=4][b]Shadow's doesn't seem to be the best term here...[/b][/size]

[size=4]Setsuna had wandered off, deep in thought, and Shoichi found himself wondering if Fubuki really could be on the brink of self-murder to free himself of his life’s torment. [i]He’ll get it together,[/i] he reassured himself. [i]Will he,[/i] another half of him asked skeptically. Resigning himself with trying to keep his optimism together, he left for his room.[/size]

[b]I don't even think self-murder is even a word, there IS actually a term for that, and it's called suicide. [/b]

[b]For the last 3 paragraphs before the end, I simply stopped trying to read, so let's skip to the last one...[/b]

[size=4][i]Enough with the weird thoughts![/i] he told himself, [i]now you’re starting to sound like some anime character! [/i][b](someone's knocking on the other side of the fourth wall; PLEASE DON'T RESPOND) [/b]He replaced his deck on the table and pulled the covers of his bed over himself. Even though his recent nights had been woken by feverish hallucinations, he still forced himself to calm and, sure enough, his eyelids slowly dimmed. Fubuki lay back against the soft mattress of his bed as blackness surrounded him, and his mind was peaceful as he drifted into the eternal night.[/size]

[size=4][b]And at this point, we finally learn that this IS ACTUALLY A Yu-GI-Oh! story and not a really interesting other type of story. This is giving me the feeling like it'll be like Super 8 (it's a really great movie, but did it NEED the alien?) Most of the problems are ones that you can clean up with good writing format ([color=#ff8c00]#1: new paragraph every new idea and every new speaker[/color]) Also try not to be so wordy. I'm at least a bit intrigued, so I'll keep reading in the future. (Join Star's writing group in the communities and groups section, it might help) gl![/b][/size]
[/spoiler]

[Divine Chaos]

Well, thanks for the review at least. If you're not satisifed with this chapter, you're not alone. I wanted to just give feel for the situation but ended up with too much of clicheing and...a whole lot of stuff. Meh, that's no excuse. I just have to make future chapters better.

[Agro]

[quote name='Divine Chaos' timestamp='1317473955' post='5552296']
Well, thanks for the review at least. If you're not satisifed with this chapter, you're not alone. I wanted to just give feel for the situation but ended up with too much of clicheing and...a whole lot of stuff. Meh, that's no excuse. I just have to make future chapters better.
[/quote]
take time to edit this one too so that you get in that habit

[Divine Chaos]

Bump.

[Divine Chaos]

Bump.

[Chaotic Angel]

Not a bad job... Could be better, though. Review is up after I work on my 3rd chapter of my Fic.

EDIT: Here's my review...

[SPOILER=Review]
Ron Yim comes over, from the L.O.N.E RP he recently appeared in, and uses his free time to review...

[b]Yu Gi Oh!: Calamity's Awakening![/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"So... Let's review this fiction then, shall we...? Right, okay! Everyone else, shut up and let me review this on my own!"[/color][/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"Now, then... What quotes have we here...?"[/color][/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"Oh, problem is, we have no prologue, since it has been re-mastered? Should've kept it there!"[/color][/b]


So now, Ron Yim looks through Divine Chaos' storyline from Chapter 1.

[b][color=#0000CD]"Why am I reading from the middle of a duel? It's hilarious to even, think that! Now, for the quotes..."[/color][/b]

[b]“I attack your Elemental Hero Gaia!” [/b][i]declared Fubuki. Behind him, the immense Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier roared and let loose a torrent of chilling ice from its mouth, obliterating the heavily armored hero. The opponent he was facing dropped to his knees and faded away as the [b]<Duel Simulator>[/b] slowly shut down at Fubuki’s command. As the scene of the arena disappeared from existence, the boy’s outfit returned to his normal high school uniform. Brushing a hand through his short brown hair, he stood and removing the helmet-like simulator controller, stretched for about half of a minute.[/i]

[b][color=#0000CD]"You're joking me, right? Too bad Chapter 1 starts in the middle of the duel, but the overall start of the chapter seems pretty good... I don't seem to know what's wrong with this one..."[/color][/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"Argh! I can't even see myself think! some of the paragraphs are piled up together... Could do with a bit of spacing..."[/color][/b]

Ron started to think through, then he found this...

[b]“Understand now?” [/b][i]The man’s voice came out again,[/i][b] “This is my ability, <Endless Road>. While you are within its radius, no matter where you run, there will be no escape. However, it seems that I will have to conduct my test in a different manner.”[/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"What the hell? Who is that 'man'? Might've been the one that appeared out of the blue..."[/color][/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"'Endless Road', huh? I'm gonna be critical, but explain to us about this... Don't tell me... Apparently, whle one within a radius, there's no escape... Is this guy out of his mind?"[/color][/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"I need to find more..."[/color][/b]

Ron started to find more of the quotes Divine Chaos put down. It wasn't an easy one.

Okay, the Fan Fic seems to be piled up, from what Ron has to say there... But, he's found more... But first, I think you need to improve on your spacing... It's like, I'm reading one large paragraph, rather than chunks of it at once... Better work on it, mate...

[i]“Test?” [b]Fubuki mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.[/b][/i]
[i]“Indeed,”[b] the man replied,[/b] “If I were to fight you now in your condition, you would be killed instantly. So we’ll have to do this differently.” [b]From out of thin air, a Duel Disk appeared on his arm and activated. [/b]“Call this a test of caliber if you will; all you have to do is show your capability.”[/i]

[b][color=#0000CD]"Okay... I'm not a fan of duels, but here we are... Another duel, requested by a man, who calls this, a 'test'... Interesting... I'm not that much of a fan of tests either, but we'll see how it goes..."[/color][/b]

Oh right... I get why you started this in the middle of the duel... It started off alright, then...

[b]Fubuki: 3800[/b]

[b]???: 2700[/b]

[b][color=#0000CD]"Oh hell, I wonder why the hell Fubuki got that far... Maybe because of the monster that's strong enough to fend that man off... He sure is impressive... But, I got another review to do now... See ya!"[/color][/b]

He walked off, dammit.

Anyway, overall chapter is alright, as I said, you could improve on spacing, and take Ron's advice on board... Oh, wait. He didn't give you any.... Did he? He's probably tired of reviewing this already...

Anyways, if you want more from me, just say so...
[/SPOILER]

[Agro]

Where'd your prologue go?

[Divine Chaos]

The premise of my fic has changed, therefore my prologue is no longer canon. It has been removed.

[Agro]

Oh... now my foe means nothing..

[Divine Chaos]

No,it did help actually. And really, the basis of my story is still the same, it's just that Fubuki isn't in some supernatural academy to train his powers.

[Chaotic Angel]

My review is complete, although, I would've added more quotes, or otherwise, my RP character... But, it doesn't matter. Hope you take everything into account..

[Agro]

[spoiler=Number 96 joins Aggro for the only time Aggro feels like trying to even make a resemblance of a Foe Fiction]
[b]Black Mist: Well, this is quite the spoiler, did you say you copied this exactly from the OP?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Aggro: Yea, why? Is there a problem?[/b][/color]

[b]Well look at that space below us, I feel like I'm gonna fall off and hurt myself.[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]You're a ghost thing, how can you even fall?[/b][/color]

[b]It's possib[/b]














[b]...ble. See, what'd I tell you?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Alright, I see what you meant, so it's just weird formatting, what's wrong with that?[/b][/color]

[b]Isn't the only reason you brought me here to nitpick every little thing?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]...touché. But don't do it too much, because at some point no one will think you're sincere about anything at all, and maybe a big problem will pass bye without anyone knowing it.[/b][/color]

[b]Fine, but can we start already?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Sure, this is... what is this again? I think I reviewed it before and it got deleted.[/b][/color]

[b]You already reviewed it? Well why the hell are you here again?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Ask yourself why you're here and you probably have an answer.[/b][/color]

[b]Oh, right. [/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Well, anyway, the story is "Yu-Gi-Oh! ~ Calamity's Awakening" by Divine Chaos[/b][/color]

[b]What's with that little squiggly thing?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]It's a tilde, it's used in Spanish over an n and also can be used to point out approximations, usually of length, as well as open up commands.[/b][/color]

[b]So why is it used here?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Why is it EVER used is my question.[/b][/color]

[b]Good point. Alright, lemme at this story.[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]*sigh* Fine, here we go with [/b][b]"Yu-Gi-Oh! [approx.] Calamity's Awakening":[/b][/color]

“I attack your Elemental Hero Gaia!” Fubuki declared. Behind him, the immense Trishula, Dragon of the Ice Barrier roared and let loose a torrent of chilling ice from its mouth, obliterating the heavily armored hero.

[b]So Ice is chilling now is it?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Oh, let that one go at least.[/b][/color]

The opponent he was facing dropped to his knees...

[color=#ff0000][b]Even I have to say here: there's no need to remind us that not only did he have an opponent, but he also was facing him. It would have made more sense to just say, "His opponent dropped to his knees...etc."[/b][/color]

...and faded away as the <Duel Simulator> slowly shut down at Fubuki’s command.

[color=#000000][b]That last little part there is kinda... I'm not exactly sure how to put it. It doesn't feel like it should be there. It kinda pulls the sentence further than it should go, which makes readers wonder why the hell it 'aint just two sentences.[/b][/color]

[b][color=#ff0000]Wow, for once a good point. You surprised me, Black Mist.[/color][/b]

As the scene of the arena disappeared from existence, the boy’s outfit returned to his normal high school uniform. Brushing a hand through his short brown hair, he stood and removing the helmet-like simulator controller, stretched for about half of a minute.

[b]He sure is good with naming things isn't he?[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Are you complaining about the helmet?[/color][/b]

[b]Well, yeah, I mean, when you get to it, it seems a bit odd first read. I mean, you understand it and you can get a better picture of it if you read it a few times, but-.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]It's just a wording thing that makes it awkward, yeah, we get it. Better question for you: Why did the simulator change his clothes? Is that all together necessary? Does it even makes sense that someone would program that in in the first place.[/color][/b]

[b]Oh, yea, didn't even notice that, good eye.[/b]

Glancing around his room, his eye alighted on the deck of Duel Monsters cards lying on the nightstand next to his bed. He picked it up and rifled through it, pausing here and there to insert and remove cards. Satisfied, he placed it within the deck box strapped to his belt.
Going to the window, he opened it and let the warm air, along with a cool breeze, waft into his room. The lively chatter of people on the street, coupled with the honking and rumble of cars, soon reached his ears before he headed out the door of his room. He paused briefly, wondering whether he needed to bring anything else, then walked down the hallway and shouldered out into the open city.
The scorching heat hit him with the force of a physical blow. Although heat like this was prevalent during the summertime, somehow a portion of that heat had stolen its way to the early spring. Fubuki smiled as he looked up at the clear sky and bright, piercing sun. Whatever the weather, he was glad to be outside.
~ [spoiler='Hey, Aggro. I can't even move in here. Alright, let me make us some room.']
[b]There we go.[/b]

[color="#FF0000"][b]Where the hell'd the spacing go, it was right here a minute ago.[/b][/color]

[b]Someone forgot the 'Enter' key looks like.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Goddammit, is this not the FIRST THING I tell people when they make a fic? "SPACE OUT YOUR PARAGRAPHS"[/color][/b]

[b]How would I know? I'm just a figment of your imagination you made to attack this fic without making yourself look like an ass. It's not working by the way.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Oh, shut it.[/color][/b]

[b]Well at least she put the squiggly thing in between.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]There's no such thing as a squiggly thing. A tilde still has no real purposes in the English language.[/color][/b]

[b]Well if you think THAT spacing is bad, why don't you look at the paragraph above.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]...[/color][/b]

[b]I know right. Look, everyone, here's a lesson. A paragraph is something designed to break up writing. It's used a lot like a container to house different ideas. What this means is that a writer, when using paragraphs, which he should probably do if he IS a writer, should start a new one EVERY TIME THERE IS A NEW IDEA.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Well, that much is obvious. But we should still look at the paragraph as if it were not formatting terribly[/color][/b][color=#ff0000][b]. Starting with why the term "waft" was used for something other than a smell or something unlikable.[/b][/color]

[b]Now you're starting to sound like me. Anyway, let me start quoting things so we don't lose track of ourselves in the limited about of space we were given.[/b]
[quote name='Divine Chaos']The lively chatter of people on the street, coupled with the honking and rumble of cars, soon reached his ears before he headed out the door of his room. He paused briefly, wondering whether he needed to bring anything else, then walked down the hallway and shouldered out into the open city.[/quote] [b]So, by how this is worded, let's map out what's going on. Before he heads over to the door, he hears the cars outside, letting us know he's in an urban environment. Then, still prior to going over to the door, he pauses and then proceeds to walk down the hallway he was apparently in the entire time. But wait he said he was in a room. So now we're not in what we thought we were and everything is not what it seems. (inb4stupiddisneyshow) i.e. THIS IS INCEPTION[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Why was it necessary to tell us he's in a city twice. Wouldn't the latter one been good enough? More importantly, how can a city NOT be open?[/color][/b]
[quote name='Divine Chaos']The scorching heat hit him with the force of a physical blow. Although heat like this was prevalent during the summertime, somehow a portion of that heat had stolen its way to the early spring. Fubuki smiled as he looked up at the clear sky and bright, piercing sun. Whatever the weather, he was glad to be outside.[/quote][b][color=#ff0000]Apparently he likes sunshine.[/color][/b]

[b]I hate him already.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Oh, be nice. Anyway, how could the heat hit him "with the force of a physical blow"? It's one of those similes that not only looks weird to read, but it also feels uninspired. Like you just came up with it and were like, "There's definitely not something better I could have come up with in this situation."[/color][/b]
[/spoiler]
A tall, golden haired woman paced about in her office as if her mind were torn between two equally difficult options. Engrossed in her thoughts, she ignored the marvelous view one would see of a city atop a skyscraper. After a few minutes of this, she sank into a chair, still deep in thought.
[spoiler='Must make room!']
[color=#ff0000][b]Not even a tilde here.[/b][/color]

[b]I take it that means that it really didn't have a purpose?[/b]

[color=#ff0000][b]Actually, it looks like it's being used when we change from character to character.[/b][/color]

[b]Wow this is one helluva RP. Let's look through and see how many times we change characters... huh, looks like it's just the first guy and this lady...[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Well, let's talk about this now. You told us that there is a "marvelous view one would see of a city atop a skyscraper". Alright... what kind of view is that. It's marvelous, but how is it marvelous. You're avoiding description of something by assuming your readers know exactly what's outside that window, and while we can assume, there's nothing like experiencing. In other words, stop avoiding the point of mentioning it in the first place.[/color][/b]

[b]And why did you find it necessary to even include the last line? So she's deep in thought. Oh, oh. She's slouching in her chair... and STILL deep in thought. Those two sentences should only be one, and should get your point across without being so goddam repetitive.[/b]
[/spoiler]
Closing her eyes to the world, Dlaecia sighed. Staying cooped up in an office always left her feeling irritable, but it was necessary in order to get information out of the database, whether for her own plans or the organization she was a part of. Even so, sitting in place didn’t go well with her personality, and she had had to resist urges to smash everything in sight just out of pure spite.
Finally making up her mind, Dlaecia stood and went out of the room. Most of her colleagues were either busy or had locked their doors; in either case, none paid her much attention. As she walked toward the elevators, she heard someone calling her name. Surprised, she turned around.
[b]BOOM![/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]What the hell was that?[/color][/b]

[b]I was running out of Xyz material to be strong enough to give us some space, so I just blew the s*** out of the paragraphs.[/b]

[color="#FF0000"][b]Alright, but did you have to break my earbuds doing that?[/b][/color]

[b]Nope, but it worked didn' it?[/b]

A tall man was sitting by the coffee machine, idly stirring milk into his cup. As he looked up, his hand went to brush away the strands of red that marked the fringe of his black hair. “Going out so soon?” he asked casually.

Dlaecia rolled her eyes. “You know how I am. Sit too long and I’ll start giving hell to anything or anyone who comes by. It just doesn’t fell right to sit and do almost nothing when more could be done by actual hands-on work.”

[b]Wait. Who has to sit too long? You may have made this apparent earlier- in fact, if you were just going to say it here, I don't know why you wouldn't just wait to make it apparent here- but by the way she says it, one would think that she would get annoyed if this new guy were sitting around too long. i.e. right now she sounds angry at him for being idle. Hey, what's this guy's name anyway.[/b]

Reiji grinned. “You never were one to wait patiently. Still, I can’t blame you for that, seeing what we went through those few years ago.” Dlaecia’s face tightened slightly at this and Reiji decided not to delve further into that particular topic.


[color=#FF0000][b]Speaking of names, let's go through them so far. Reiji, for those who do not know means courteous son, usually referring to a second child. That's nice. He must be a good guy, huh? Fubiki in essence- not to mention almost direct translation- means glacier, so he must be one pretty cold. So from what we've gathered, Reiji = good; Fubiki = bad. And Glaecia- er, Dlaecia. Wait, it IS a 'd'? Oh, in that case, it's a name our writer made up to make a character. It means nothing. Meaning this is a fantasy story where the character's names make no sense. But it's also duel monsters...[/b][/color]

[b]You're reading too much into the names.[/b]

[b][color=#FF0000]Well I have to assume the author chose them for a reason and didn't just chuck them in cause they sound nice, now could I?[/color][/b]

[b]... let's get back to the story. They just foreshadowed something.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Alright then.[/color][/b]


Dlaecia seemed to relax for a moment, and then squared her shoulders. “I’ll be going now,” she said and went off toward the elevator. A moment later, the ding announcing the elevator’s arrival could be heard. As the doors closed, Reiji sighed.
“I guess I’ll have to do her paperwork for the day. Damn, I really hate that.”

[color=#ff0000][b]Well, that was kinda awkward.[/b][/color]

[b]What do you mean?[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Shouldn't it be more like: "she said as she headed off for the elevator, which's arrival was proclaimed by a small 'ding'."[/color][/b]

[b]Hm, well yeah, I kinda see how that works. Yeah, that's definitely less awkward.[/b]
~
It was late afternoon by the time Fubuki got back from his excursion. People thronged the streets, occasionally slipping into shops as they found them. Although there were lots of pedestrians, it was still somewhat easy to navigate and Fubuki easily got through the crowd. Turning up a corner into a shortcut to his home, his mind began to wander again.
Lots of things were on Fubuki’s mind recently. Dueling, anime, books he wanted to read, (possibly?) dating, things like that.

[b][color=#ff0000]You know, you're right when you told me that your characters weren't clichéd, Divine.[/color][/b]

[b]Well, that wasn't exactly what he said. Well, I guess it was kinda implied...[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]The point is. He must be one hell of a guy to be able to think about Dueling, anime, books, and- for the life of me, I don't know why you put in those parenthesis- possibly dating, and say that THAT has to be a lot on his mind. He must be real special to be able to do all that, and I don't mean in a Harry Potter type of special, I'm leaning more towards Ralph from the Simpsons.[/color][/b]

Most of the time, what settled on the forefront of his mind was simply school. In his freshman year, Fubuki had established an excellent reputation, both with schoolwork and social relations. Now, in his sophomore year, all he needed to do was keep himself going and improve along the way.
[b]Note: this was not included in the 'things like that' comment in the last paragraph.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Judging by his overall great grades, good friendships and other stuff. I still wonder why the hell he has so much on his mind. He's not the least bit troubled at all. It's just an excuse for exposition. (inb4expositionrainbow)[/color][/b]
Having been immersed in his thoughts, Fubuki didn’t notice that there was someone blocking his way until he nearly walked into the man. At nearly the last moment, he realized there was someone standing in the road and jerked back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55PKrWwJL6E&feature=related
The man standing before him was, to say the least, intimidating. His tall, muscular body was covered with what appeared to be gray body armor. The lower half of his body was clad in a similar fashion. A dark-colored visor obscured his eyes from view and his unruly hair fell about messily.
The man glanced Fubuki up and down. The latter, being somewhat confused by this inspection, asked, “Excuse me, could you move? It’s getting late and I’d prefer to be at home.” The man didn’t respond, so he repeated his request.
Finally, the man looked up. “I’m afraid that you can’t go home quite just yet. Well, not unless you don’t wish to live any longer.”
[color=#ff0000][b]This is the part where I question why you thought you had the experience to call MY story clichéd. By the way, why does he make no effort to apologize for not paying attention and keep going. This guy hasn't done anything to really stop him yet- oh, right, Ralph.[/b][/color]
“What the…” Fubuki seemed even more confused by this statement. [i]Great, I ran into a lunatic. Now what do I-[/i]
“I am not insane, if that’s what you believe,” the man continued, stepping back a bit. “However, unless you are given proper instruction, the coming days will erase your existence from all of eternity. Now, will you listen or do I have to beat you down to get your compliance?”
[b]And THIS is the part where you should RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, YOU MORON.[/b]
“Erasure of existence? Don’t screw around with me!” Fubuki snarled, and leaping forward, kicked at the man’s side. Before his attack could land, the man simply flicked his wrist and Fubuki was knocked flying. His head hit a streetlamp.
[b]No, no, no. He said: "Erase YOUR existence" but I see how you would make the mistake- hey wait why the hell are you kicking me you a******! Oh, and then he gets smashed into a streetlamp... well that cant' be good, he could die from that.[/b]
As Fubuki struggled to his feet, he realized something that should have made itself apparent to him a long while ago. Ever since he had nearly bumped into this man, there had been no sounds except for their voices. Gazing around Fubuki saw that it was true, no people or cars were anywhere in sight. They were alone in an empty city.
[color=#ff0000][b]That could be cause this guy is powerful, but it's probably more because you smashed your head against a streetlamp because you thought it was a good idea to kick a crazy person. This is the afterlife, welcome to Angel Beats, Ralph.[/b][/color]
“Understand now?” The man’s voice came out again, “This is my ability, <Endless Road>.
[b]Um... what's with the <>...? Do you just chuck symbols around idly now? A person would have to say that you know, thy don't just skip over it.[/b]
While you are within its radius, no matter where you run, there will be no escape. However, it seems that I will have to conduct my test in a different manner.”
[color=#ff0000][b]Speaking of radius, where the hell'd all our space go, Mist?[/b][/color]
“Test?” Fubuki mumbled, rubbing the back of his head.
[b]I don't exactly know...[/b]
“Indeed,” the man replied, “If I were to fight you now in your condition, you would be killed instantly. So we’ll have to do this differently.” From out of thin air, a Duel Disk appeared on his arm and activated. “Call this a test of caliber if you will; all you have to do is show your capability.”
[color="#FF0000"][b]So instead of conducting your test, which you were going to do physically, maybe by, I don't know, fighting someone and seeing if they're bad enough to get chucked into a pole within the first 10 seconds, you're going to do a test through a game that takes knowledge, focus, and important decision making. On a guy who just got a concussion and may possibly be hallucinating the whole thing. Well, I guess this IS all from Ralph's P.O.V.[/b][/color]
“You’ll regret this,” [s]Fubuki[/s] [b]Ralph[/b] said, [b]thinking how terribly his head hurt [/b]as he pressed a button on the device attached to wrist. A glowing vortex of aurora light surrounded him, and as it faded, his Duel Disk materialized. With a silvery blade as its outer edge, it bore quite some resemblance to a sword, [b]and thank goodness it wasn't, else he could cause himself some significant injuries, especially in the mental state he was in[/b]. [s]Six[/s] [b]FIVE[/b] cards shot from the Deck into their owners’ hands as they turned to face their opponent. “Duel!” As the Duel began, [s]blackness[/s] [b]darkness[/b] covered the world, leaving only the white outlines of buildings and nearby objects. All color faded away, except from the two combatants. [b]A sign that Ralph should probably stop dueling and get to the nearest hospital before he collapses.[/b]
[b]Alright, I took some time to fix that paragraph, I hope you liked the changes.[/b]
“I’ll take the first turn,” Fubuki stated. “Come forth, my loyal warrior! Frost Kingdom’s Elite- Gendo the Ice Samurai!” As he place the card onto the silver blade of his D. Disk, the monster depicted upon it sprang forth, a tall man, dressed in elaborate blue armor, wielding a katana with careless ease.
[color=#ff0000][b]Alright, we're getting into a duel. I don't really like going through these, so we'll just summarize it and give some small thoughts on it.[/b][/color]

[b][color=#800080]Summary:[/color][/b]
[b][color=#ff0000]So, as you should have gathered from his name and the fact that he was using Trish, Ralph uses an Ice deck. No, not Ice Barrier, just ice in general. It's all created cards, so you know that this will turn out exactly the way our author wants it to. He uses the term 'teenager' to describe a samurai monster at about that age. Though, a person from that era would certainly not be called a samurai. Interesting choices of words all around, though it IS flowing faster than before. I guess. He made the opponent's deck is all evil looking cards, which, again, makes me question why HE was calling MY story clichéd.[/color][/b]

[b]You don't get over things quickly do you?[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Oh, never. By the way, you know how there was little to no spacing at all leading up to the initial incident?[/color][/b]

[b]Yea?[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Well now there's TOO MUCH spacing.[/color][/b]

[b]Ah, right. Like when I almost fell and hurt myself earlier.[/b]

[b][color=#ff0000]Precisely. Oh look, here's some non-dueling stuff to chuck at you:[/color][/b]
[center][center] [/center][/center]
[indent=1]“Why do you fight me, Fubuki?”

[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki jerked back, surprised. “What do you mean? You’re the one who came out of nowhere and blocked my way, then challenged me to a Duel.”[/indent]
[indent=1][b]AFTER, you kicked him in the side like a complete dick. Let's see how fast he points THAT out to you.[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]The man nodded. “Exactly. You base your assumption of numerous facts you believe support your guess. But what if your guess is flawed; what then?”[/indent]
[indent=1][b]And he doesn't... Well that tells me all I need to know about these characters.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]And the writing in general maybe too.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]Oh, stop making this about you.[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki sighed “I can’t see what you’re getting at here.”

[b][color=#ff0000]You know, at this point, neither can I.[/color][/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]The visored man spread his arms. “I’m talking about choice. I chose to act hostilely in order to confront you. Life is made up of many choices, after all. Some believe that fate has already been ordained and therefore our futures cannot be changed. I don’t like that theory because I believe that while there is already a path before us, we can choose to break away from that path and go our own way.”[/indent]
[indent=1][b]You're hostile? HE tried to kick you so you defended yourself. All YOU did was look like a nut.[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]“So the question is,” the man continued, “when the time comes and the lives of those you care about, possibly even the lives of those whom you don’t know are cast upon you, can you make the correct choice and save their lives? Or will you fail and be dragged down along with them?”[/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]By the way, something I should point out here: If the same person talks in two consecutive paragraphs... wait, that shouldn't even happen. [/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]A reader at this point, should be able to figure it out, but if they read it as they should, we should be able to assume that one of the last two paragraphs included Ralph speaking and not mysterious madman... let's call him MostYugiohVillainsthatShowUpinOneEpisodeandNeverAppearAgain. That'll work every time.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][color="#FF0000"][b]Getting back on topic. [b]MostYugiohVillainsthatShowUpinOneEpisodeandNeverAppearAgain[/b] is talking about how he's testing Ralph to see if he'll be able to defend the ones he cares about by testing his decision making. How does even HE not realize Ralph has some sort of concussion and can't even be expected to think straight. I mean, honestly, with this concussion, Ralph would have done better in a fistfight than a duel.[/b][/color]
[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki bit his lip, thinking hard.[i] How would such a situation end up being in my hands? What would I do? Damn it, I don’t know! It’s-[/i][/indent]
[indent=1]
[b]Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because you go around randomly kicking crazy people.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]By the way, we're getting back into the duel, so let's get back to summary time. Well, [b]MostYugiohVillainsthatShowUpinOneEpisodeandNeverAppearAgain just stops talking about what he said. And by the way, he mentioned that Ralph shouldn't worry about having to make such decisions because it's hard to give an answer unless actually put into that situation.[/b][/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][b]Wait, really? Then what the f*** are they dueling for? He just completely contradicted himself![/b][/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1][color=#ff0000][b]At this point, he's doing everything he can to be as anti-clichéd as possible. Which, as ironic as it sounds, is also really clichéd. eg. Ralph, on top of being a Ralph, is the most unlucky guy in the world, which lead to his nickname "Luckless" or, as I prefer, "Yuma".[/b][/color][/indent]
[indent=1][b]That being said, look at this sentence that follows that part:[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]Fubuki had won more Duels than he lost by a huge margin.[/indent]
[indent=1][b]Yeah, I sure as hell 'aint calling him lucky.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]By the way, Mist. Did you notice how we randomly indented here?[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]Yeah, just now. Why'd you do that?[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]I didn't do anything. This is a result of what I took from the original post.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]God, what is with this formatting?[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]Alright, I should also make note: there have been ZERO cards that have been printed in either the OCG or TCG. This duel is ALL created cards.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]I'm bored of this, can we just skip ahead to where the kid goes into a coma because of his concussion?[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]Just a sec, I have a few more things to let people know. Ralph takes his first damage and TADA! It's real. Oh ho. That 'aint clichéd in the slightest. Alright, so immediately after getting hit by the attack, Ralph crumbles like a wuss, which, thank god, is actually new. Though I'm still trying to figure out how he has ZERO brain damage from that concussion. The duel ends there so let's get back to the story:[/color][/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]“Hm,” he said, “it seems your power has woken somewhat or you would have been near death. However, it has not progressed as much as I would have hoped. Still, it shielded you, so perhaps…” his voice trailed off.[/indent]
[indent=1][b]Oh my god, his voice trailed off? I couldn't possibly have noticed that FROM THE DIALOGUE ITSELF.[/b]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Wh…what power?” Fubuki asked feebly, “I…d-don’t have…anyt-thing like that.”[/indent]
[indent=1][b]Shh, you're knocked out with a concussion, you're not supposed to wake up for another 20 years. Maybe forever.[/b]
[/indent]
[indent=1]The man’s eyebrows rose. “You’re still conscious? You’re stronger than I give you credit for. Well, no matter. If you want some questions answered or proper guidance, you will have to seek it elsewhere. Right now, you need to get to the hospital.”[/indent]
[indent=1][color=#ff0000][b]Not only that, but you're also talking without too much mental trouble after, what was it? Oh, that's right. GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A METAL POLE.[/b][/color]

[/indent]
[indent=1]“Wa..wait,” Fubuki gasped, but his head swam woozily again, and his mind fell forth into the eternal night of unconsciousness.[/indent]
[indent=1][color=#ff0000][b]And here in ends the story of Ralph, who died at the hands of [/b][b]MostYugiohVillainsthatShowUpinOneEpisodeandNeverAppearAgain, who we will never hear from again.[/b][/color][/indent]
[indent=1][b]That story made me angry.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]Every story makes you angry.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]Whatever, any last words.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]Yeah, stop bothering me Divine. I don't actually like reviewing things that much. There's a reason I'm not in a competition Star is hosting. And I'm a little sick of reading Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan-fics. I get enough of that by writing my own. There's a reason I skip past entire duels when I do these things.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b]Wow, that was a lot.[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][color="#FF0000"][b]Yeah, well, unlike some main characters, I actually have a lot on my mind for a reason.[/b][/color][/indent]
[indent=1][b]So are we done here?[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][color="#FF0000"][b]Yeah, I guess.[/b][/color][/indent]
[indent=1][b]Don't you have to say something about the story before you go?[/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]Ugh. Fine. Diving, you'd better have this whole story mapped out in your head already. Else you're going to get clichéd and end your story again. I actually know where my story's going, and it starts out a bit clichéd to get there. If you don't like that well... you're a writer, I'll let you figure out what kind of thing you can do.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][b][color=#ff0000]The character, whether you believe it or not. Is kinda dull. He's a perfect duelist with a bad run of luck. This isn't the Tale of Genji you know. Making your character like that doesn't let him escape being clichéd. It makes him clichéd. I felt like that was your main goal at times rather than actually getting a good story down.[/color][/b][/indent]
[indent=1][color="#FF0000"][b]With that in mind, you contradicted yourself, and there were some instances where things just didn't add up. You're a good writer, you need to work on it though. And for god's sake get the hell off your high horse.[/b][/color]
[size=4][/spoiler][/size][/indent]