Yu-Gi-Oh! Academy Island

[Tentishark]

[spoiler='Yu-Gi-Oh! Academy Island'][img]http://i954.photobucket.com/albums/ae27/sapphirebird/YGOAcademyIslandLogo.jpg[/img][/spoiler]

[spoiler='Chapter 1'] There are four Dorms in the Duelist Academy: Yellow Dorm, Blue Dorm, Red Dorm, and Green Dorm. Each Dorm represents how long students have been here: Yellow Dorm is for first years, Blue Dorm is for second years, Red Dorm is for third years, and Green Dorm is for fourth years.
First duel of the school year. I’m facing my greatest rival, Connor. He had three monsters on the field; “Rhino Axeman,” “Ancient Cerberus,” and “Ancient Crocodile,” while I had none. I had 1300 Life Points left, he had 3100. I drew the lucky one, “Mirror Force.” I Set “Ancient Armored Dino” face-down defense position and Set my “Mirror Force” face-down, then I ended my turn. Connor Normal Summoned another “Rhino Axeman.” He attacked with his “Rhino Axeman” and then I activated “Mirror Force.” So my “Mirror Force” destroyed all of his attack position monsters. Connor then ended his turn. I drew an “Ancient Sea Dragon” monster card. So I activated “Double Summon” to Normal Summon 1 extra monster. I Normal Summoned “Ancient Hunter.” But because of my “Double Summon” Spell card, I tribute both my “Ancient Hunter,” and my face-down “Ancient Armored Dino” to Normal Summon my “Ancient Sea Dragon with 3800 ATK. I attacked and ended the duel. Connor and I shook hands even though he was angry. I got +1000 Duel Card Points or DCP and a card of my choice. I chose his “Ancient Crocodile.”
Duelists use DCP to get more cards. The more DCP you have the rarer cards you can get. I now have 6000 DCP, which is enough to get 2 rare cards. I went to Card-Mart to look at what cards they have. I got a “Werewolf Blader,” and I am going to save the other 3500. My friend Tyson uses “Werewolf” cards. He has some other cards that I want, like “Ancient Dragon Knight.” I went back to my dorm to trade with him. He traded me “Ancient Dragon Knight and an “Ancient Sea Dino” for my “Werewolf Blader.” Then we tested each other’s decks.
He went first. He Normal Summoned “Werewolf Soldier.” Then he set one card face-down in the Spell or Trap Card Zone and he ended his turn. I drew “Ancient Crocodile” and Normal Summoned it. He activated the Trap Card “Werewolf Vaporizer.” It destroyed my “Ancient Crocodile.” He apparently got his “Werewolf Blader” because as soon as he drew, Tyson tributed his “Werewolf Soldier” and Normal Summoned his “Werewolf Blader.” But because of “Werewolf Soldier’s” effect he Special Summoned his “Dark Werewolf” to the field from his Deck. He attacked me directly causing 4100 Life Point damage and I lost. When we practice duel we start with only 4000 Life Points.
When Tyson and I woke up we headed to class. We got there in time to duel other people. I was dueling Raymond, a Blue Dorm Student. We bet our rarest card. I went first. I drew “Ancient Cerberus.” I Normal Summoned it. Then I ended my turn. Raymond drew, then Normal Summoned “Ancient Dragon Serpent” and attacked with it. My “Ancient Cerberus” was destroyed and I lost 600 Life Points. I am down to 7400 Life Points. But I drew two cards because of “Ancient Dragon Serpent’s” effect. I drew “Mirror Force” and “Ancient Dragon Knight.” Now it is my turn. I drew a “Negate Attack.” I Set “Mirror Force” and “Negate Attack” face-down on the field. Then I activated the Spell Card “Ancient Renewal,” allowing me to Special Summon one “Ancient” monster from the Graveyard, so I Special Summoned my “Ancient Cerberus” to the field from my Graveyard.
Then I activated “Pot of Greed” to draw two cards from my deck. I drew “Double Summon” and “Dark Ninja.” I activated my Double Summon” Spell Card. Then I Normal Summoned my “Dark Ninja.” After that I tributed “Ancient Cerberus” and my “Dark Ninja” to Tribute Summon my “Ancient Shadow Dragon.” Then I attacked his “Ancient Dragon Serpent.” It was destroyed and Raymond lost 500 Life Points, leaving him with 7500 Life Points. Now it is Raymond’s turn. He drew, and then he Normal Summoned “Lord of D.” Raymond activated “Flute of Summoning Dragon” to Special Summon a “Blue-Eyes White Dragon” and a “Dragonic Knight” from his hand. He activated “Axe of Despair” and equipped it to his “Blue-eyes White Dragon.” Then he attacked my “Ancient Shadow Dragon,” and I activated my “Negate Attack” to end the Battle Phase. It is now my turn. I Set an “Ancient Hunter” in face-down defense position. I attacked his “Lord of D.” with my “Ancient Shadow Dragon.” His “Lord of D.” was destroyed and Raymond lost 1800 Life Points, leaving him with 5700 Life Points.
It is now Raymond’s turn. He set a face-down Spell or Trap card and set one monster face-down defense position. He attacked my “Ancient Hunter” with his “Dragonic Knight” and I activated “Mirror Force” to destroy his two attack position monsters. Now it is my turn. I drew a “Big Bang Shot.” I activated it and equipped it to my “Ancient Shadow Dragon.” It gained 700 ATK and the ability to do Life Point damage even when destroying defense position monsters. So I attacked Raymond’s face-down defense position monster, which was “Prevent Rat.” Raymond lost 1700 Life Points. He now has 4000 Life points. Raymond’s turn he activates “Dian Keto the Cure Master” to gain 1000 Life Points. He now has 5000. Then he ends his turn. I attack with my “Ancient Hunter” and then my “Ancient Shadow Dragon.” I win this duel and since this duel was so exciting the Teachers awarded me +2000 DCP and awarded Raymond +1000 DCP. I also got his “Tentishark” monster card. Then Chancellor Frederick came by to see how the duels were holding up. He introduced himself to me. He said he used to be a Master Duelist. He gave me a card when I looked at it; it was an “Ancient Brachio” Synchro monster. My friend, Tyson, won his duel as well. He got a “Werewolf King” monster card.
He wanted to duel me tonight with his new card, but I said we have some more duels tomorrow so we need to get some sleep. I woke up and went to the Duel Rings to see if Tyson was already there. He was waiting to duel another person. A staff member told me that the Chancellor wanted to see me. He just was wondering if I had used his old card yet. I told him not yet; I woke up a little late. He rushed me out there to get me dueling and he said that I could choose who I wanted to duel. I said Sierra from the Green Dorm. He called her to him and said he wanted her to duel me. I lost in about 4 turns. So he told me to give her my “Tentishark” card and I respected that so I attempted to give it to her. She said no thanks, that I needed it more than her. So instead he rewarded her with +2500 DCP. I told Tyson that I got beat in a duel by Sierra. He just laughed out of disbelief that I challenged her. I went to Card-Mart to get a few more cards. I found a 2 pack of “Ancient Rhino” cards for 1000 DCP and an “Ancient Dragon Serpent” for 750 DCP. So I got them. I added one of each to my deck. I have 4750 DCP left.
I went to the AI Duelist Arena in the back of Card-Mart. I set the test level to Yellow Dorm. I also set the Starting Life Points to 4000 points. I dueled an AI named Alex, a virtual version of a graduate from last year. Alex went first and Normal Summoned a “Proto-Cyber Dragon” and Set one face-down Spell or Trap card. I drew an “Ancient Hunter” monster card. I Normal Summoned my “Ancient Hunter” card. I attacked with my “Ancient Hunter” card and Alex activated his face-down Trap card “Negate Attack” to negate my attack and to end my Battle Phase. I ended my turn, so it is Alex’s Turn now. He drew and Set it face-down in the Spell or Trap Card Zone. He Normal Summoned a “Junk Synchron,” then he Special Summoned “Junk Gardna” in face-up defense position and ended his turn. I drew an “Ancient Sea Shark.” I activated my Spell card “Double Summon” in order to Normal Summon “Dark Ninja” to the field. Then I tributed him to Tribute Summon “Ancient Sea Shark” so that way I can Synchro Summon “Ancient Brachio” from my Extra Deck in face-up defense position. I then Set two Trap cards face-down on the field. One was “Mirror Force” the other was “Ancient Destroyer Canon.”
It is Alex’s turn. He activated his face-down Spell Card, “Card Destruction” to destroy all cards in our hands. I only had one card but he had three cards. I drew another “Ancient Hunter.” Alex drew his three, and then he activated his Pot of Greed to draw two cards. He must have drew his “Monster Reborn” Spell card because he activated it to Special Summon an “Ancient Sea Dragon” to the field from his Graveyard. Alex then attacked my “Ancient Brachio” with his “Ancient Sea Dragon.” I activated my Ancient Destroyer Canon” and destroyed his “Junk Gardna” and stopped his attack. He then ended his turn and I drew a “Magical Stone Excavation” Spell card. I Normal Summoned my “Ancient Hunter” monster card. Then I Synchro Summoned my “Ancient Tyrant Dino” in attack position by using “Ancient Hunter” and “Ancient Brachio” as Synchro Material Monsters. Then I ended my turn. Now it is Alex’s turn. He Normal Summoned an “Axe Raider” and ended his turn. I drew a “Pot of Greed” Spell card. I activated it and drew an “Ancient Armored Dino” and an “Ancient Cerberus.” I activated my “Magical Stone Excavation” Spell card. I discarded my “Ancient Armored Dino” and my “Ancient Cerberus” to add “Double Summon” to my hand. My “Ancient Tyrant Dino” has 5300 ATK. So I attacked Alex’s “Axe Raider,” destroyed it and inflicted 3600 Life Points as Battle Damage. Alex has 400 Life Points left.
Then, all of a sudden my Dorm Master, Norman, walked in to the room, he has looking for me. He told me it was almost midnight. So he turned off the Duel System and took me back to the Yellow Dorm and put me in bed. The next morning was Saturday, so I am free all day.[/spoiler]

[Randomflyingobjects]

Well, to start, the beginning sentence was completely random, and you didn't explain if the dorms are based on rank or what. This can be fixed by either going into detail, or even better, slipping it in somewhere else in the story.

One major factor was the fact that it's written in first person. This can be accomplished in a Yugioh fic, but there's no dialouge, nothing to tie the duels together. This could be fixxed with sentences expressing how the duelists feel after they lose, and in between duels, or better, everywere.

The first duel was entered in the middle, with a tad too much information about how he's your rival, especially when he loses in a pathetic failure like [i]that, [/i]charging into his rival's mirror force, then being beaten to a pulp. He'd most likely be furious, but if not, he probably wouldn't 'accept' his failure.

The rest was a tad rushed, cramming whole duels into small paragraphs. It was hard to get into the duel, and if you do, it's already over. The short duels could easily be broadened by adding a few simple descriptions, breaking it up into paragraphs and adding conversation and thoughts.

Another problem is the random changing between past and present tenses. This is an easy fix, because it can be solved by going through and saying everything to yourself, making sure you stay in past. (Or present, depending on how you want to tell the story.)

Overall, I thought of it as a bit bland, without much description. However, if the suggested changes are made, it would be a lot better, and I hope to see some plot developement.

[Tentishark]

I edited it a little, but I like writing in first person and i don't like dialog because i can never think of other words besides "said," "says," and "asked."

[Fusion X. Denver]

[quote name='BlooperKing15' timestamp='1344050693' post='5996928']
i can never think of other words besides "said," "says," and "asked."
[/quote]

Believe it or not, writers use "said", "asked" or other simple dialogue tags about 90% of the time in their stories. Reason being they're fairly invisible and draw more attention to what's being said whereas using a bunch of different tags in a row can become a distraction.

Random's covered a lot of points I agree with; duels are never interesting to read unless there's dialogue. See, we don't know a single thing about the narrator besides his deck and his daily life style. Why should the reader care about what he does if we're not given anything to care about? What makes him different from a random guy on the street?

To grab people's attention to the duels, we got to care about the duelists. Try showcasing some personality into your characters is my biggest tip.

[Tentishark]

[quote name='Fusion X. Denver' timestamp='1344051878' post='5996948']
To grab people's attention to the duels, we got to care about the duelists. Try showcasing some personality into your characters is my biggest tip.
[/quote]
what do you mean by "showcasing" some personality.
and also i don't want too much dialog.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

If you're struggling for alternatives to using the same words over and over: try this website. www.thesaurus.com

It's... just a list of actions, and nothing else. Literally nothing else. Just 'I did this. Then I did that. Then he did this, so I did the other. Later I went and did this.' I'm not being cruel for the sake of it, but that's a level of writing so basic its comparable to those books in schools that the six-seven year old starters get taught how to read with (at least they come with pictures).

Characters have no character, emotion, interaction, or backstory, or anything at all to make them stand out as anything more than just names. Duels have no depth or excitment because they are over in 10 seconds. There is no real plot. Using first person is fine, but people should still talk and interact like people do.

As much as I actively encourage anyone and everyone to have a go at writing and give anyone a chance, you need to learn a lot. For starters; learn how to write more than just what people do; write about what/how they feel about doing it, and how it affects others. Add a little bit of description, just a little bit here and there. Give your characters a realness to them by having them interact with feelings and senses and thoughts. Just take it one step at a time and keep writing whatever comes to fancy, and keep trying to build up your skills so that you can write something that's maybe short and simple, but interesting and fun to read. You've a long way to go to be honest, but with a little work and practise you'll get there

[Tentishark]

im just trying to practice. im in 10th grade. and just last year i learned how to do paragraphs like when to start a new one and stuff so im not really skilled at writing and also my old school back in Indiana never taught me when to start a new paragraph they just expected me to know it automatically.

[Bahamut - Envoy of the End]

[quote name='BlooperKing15' timestamp='1344065826' post='5997071']
im just trying to practice. im in 10th grade. and just last year i learned how to do paragraphs like when to start a new one and stuff so im not really skilled at writing and also my old school back in Indiana never taught me when to start a new paragraph they just expected me to know it automatically.
[/quote]

Obviously I was unaware of your level of skill and situation and can only comment on what I read.

That's fine, just keep learning to get the basics down so its readable and you feel comfortable writing.

However I would say that writing ability is all well and good, but the content of what you're writing and the story you're trying to tell is more important. It's not how you write, its what you write about.

(Although obviously neat paragraphs and varied sentences make it easier on the eye to read).

[Randomflyingobjects]

Now that that we know your writing level, it will be a lot easier to correct. Good call, practicing on the YCM, allowing us writers help you progress.

[Tentishark]

yeah i know i was hoping to get some writers' opinions