Jack-In-The-Box

[Squirrel Girl]

My second card since my return to this site

 

 

[spoiler=Jack-In-The-Box]

 

 

[spoiler=Lore]

 

This card can attack your opponent directly. Each time this card attacks: your opponent lose 700 Life Points. If you control another Fiend-Type monster: This card cannot be attacked. If there are no Fiend-Type monsters on the field (except this card): During each of your End Phases; gain 500 Life Points.

 

[/spoiler]

 

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[Zazubat]

I don't honestly think this guy is very useful. It can produce a Watt-like lock, but it's slower to do, and it honestly isn't really worth it with only 1400 per turn (by having two out). And unlike the Watt lock, it can still be targeted by effects, so it isn't all that useful. It's a Tour Guide target, but since it negated, it isn't really useful. I would suggest also making it not be able to be targeted, that would make it more of a threat, and giving it another boost maybe.

My OCG fix: Hover your cursor over the dotted lines to read my reasons for the fixes. Make sure to hover over more than 1 part of the dotted lines, as it might put the things I have to say together. I do not repeat if you have made the flaw more than once, instead will it be bold (if any). Anything in italic is simple typos (if any). Anything in red means that it is something that is missing and should be there, as well as dotted lines to explain my reasoning/ask why you may have forgotten (if any). Also, if you have the time, check out my OCG Thread.

This card can attack your opponent directly. [acronym='It's more normal to use "when". While some cases "each time" is used, I would suggest just saying when instead, as most of the time, "each time" are for Continuous effects rather than triggers.']When[/acronym] this card attacks: [acronym='Only yourself lose Life Points, you inflict damage to your opponent.']Inflict 700 damage to your opponent's Life Points.[/acronym] If you control another Fiend-Type monster, [acronym='No card post PSCT uses that worded. There're different ways of saying it, though what I have presented is the one I prefer to use.']your opponent cannot target this card for an attack[/acronym]. If there are no [acronym='A much simpler way of saying it is to just use "no other".']other[/acronym] Fiend-Type monsters on the field[acronym='You're still in the condition stage of your effect, things such as "during your X" are almost always conditions.'], during [/acronym]each of your End Phases[acronym='"during each of your End Phases" is not a cost, it's a condition, so no semi-colon here.']: Gain[/acronym] 500 Life Points.

[Squirrel Girl]

Thank you for your time. Try to improve my skill since my long break from this site so all criticism is very much acceptable. Will try to improve this card a little more in the next few hours.