Jump to content

PLEASE LOCK!!

Black Rose Phoenix®

Recommended Posts

Black Rose Phoenix® Newbie

Black Rose Phoenix®

Posted
Posted

First word's: 1 rep to everybody who read's and replys to this!!

Ok, in this Fan fic, it involves the Egyption god's, new main character's, after something bad happen's to each of them, this story followes on from a yugioh plot and involves Industrial Illusions, Kiaba C. and in the end Yugi Muto appears as an old man, and Jaden Yuki Go's against the last main character of the Fan Fic, of course Jaden will have a new Deck, which i will make a poll on, and Also this is my first Fan Fic, so please don't be to harsh, well... ENJOY!!

 

In a street in the middle of England, 2 young lad's who had power's unknown just stood there talking about stratergy's, but an odd thing is, when they where both the same age, they found together 2 Egyption God card's, also 1 of them secretly posessed a melenium item, these two boy's are named, Rahim Jones, and Alex Dina, and something unexpected was going to happen...

 

With a angry forceful voice, Alex proclaimed "Dude i'm hungry... i missed lunch!! TAKE ME HOME!!", with a moan of stress, Rahim said, "fine... we'll go HOME, JUST STOP SHOUTING", with a small mutter, Alex whispered "ooooh, stressay. Pucha!!", "WHAT WAS THAT!!" snapped Rahim...

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" a loud scream came from a distance, then both turned back to the direction of the scream, they ran directly to the scene, as they saw something unimaginable, two boy's lost a duel against two tall cloaked men, as they watched from behind the wall the two boys collapsed blue shining light's came from there back's, the cloaked men walked up to them and stoll there deck's, Rahim and Alex ran up to them and with a devistating shout, "Stay away from them!!" complained Rahim, With a burst of anger Alex said, "STAY AWAY FROM THEM IF YOU WANT TO GO THROUGH THEM, THEN GO THROUGH US FIRST!!", Rahim and Alex pulled out there duel disk's and said with a mad look, "DUEL!!", one of the cloaked men said, " If it's a duel you want, it's a duel you'll get!!" the other continued, "Challenge us will you, i'll take you on...!!"

Alex-Rahim:8000

2 unknown men:8000

 

 

Alex and Rahim both nodded at each other, one of the cloaked men proclaimed, "ME FIRST!!" he made a short but fair move"DRAW...First i set a monster and set 1 card face down... your turn!!" Alex put on a smile and drew a card, " First of all, i summon Dark Cruesader, in attack mode, secondly, i activate it's special ability, i send 3 dark type card's in my hand to give him a 1200 boost, his ATK is now 2800, then i equip him to Axe of Despair, now he has a grand total of 3800 ATK, now attack!!" A flame of darkness flung out the end of Dark Cruesader's sword, and created a deep stom, as the smoke cleared up, all you could see is 1 face down card, and a vaste powerful monster covering the alley where the duel was, "Now i'll throw down 2 face-down's and call it a turn...!!" Alex and Rahim both looked realy happy with a big grin on there face, " I do not see what the joke is, you havn't seen my move yet," they still grinned, but the next cloaked man was starting to go red with a scrunched up face. "Ok, first of all... i will play the card know as shrink, and use it on Dark Cruesader, then i play polymerisation, to fuse Elemental here Avian and Burstinatrix..." Alex groaned "AWWWW...Not Elemental Hero's!!", the cloaked man contiued, "GRRRRRR... No matter, i create, ELEMENTAL HERO...FLAME WINGMAN!! NOW GO!! Attack dark cruesader!!" With a golden blinding light, Alex's chest started to glow... appeared, a mystic golden item... THE MELENIUM PUZZLE!! "No!! IT CANT BE!!" Alex exclaimed, "Oh, it be, and now i activate my Trap, Mirror wall, which means that you monster's attack get's cut in half, no now it's 1050, so your monster's destroyed, and you lose 850 life point's!! Also i activate Mystical Space Typhoon to destroy my Mirror wall, so i don't lose life point's!!" a loud scream came from the cloaked man,"No, impossible, no... fine then i lay 1 card face down, and end my turn!!" Rahim laugh's and makes a prety impressive move, " HA!! isummon Red Gadget, so now with there effect's, i get all three on the field, so now Red gadget attack, then my yellow gadget..." A bellow came from across the sreet, "I won't let you, i activate magic Cylinder!!" Rahim luaghed," What?? Why didn't you activate it when i attacked with Dark Cruesader??" "Oop's. Aww man, oh well, either way you will lose, and when you do your soul will be our's!!" Rahim made a drastic comment,but Alex dosn't mind, "Fine, we win all the souls you stoul come back and you stop stealing souls, but if you win... you win, and you can have our souls, deck's and any other thing you want, but anyway's, Green gadget Attack, and finaly, now that dark cruesader has his atk back, attack!!"

Alex-Rahim:6800

2 unknown men:650

Rahim continued,"Then i play 1 card face down...I end!!"

"My move now!!" Said a dark cloaked man,"Ok i set a monster and end, oh no i might lose!!" Alex made his next move,"Ok, i am going to do something you may never see again, I SUMMON...THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA BY SACRIFICING MY GADGETS!! BEHOLD, WITH 3900 ATK, AND THEN I ACTIVATE IT'S EFFECT TO MAKE MY LIFE POINT'S TO 1, BUT HE GET'S 6799 ATK BOOST, SO HE'S NOW 10699 ATK, WITH MY DARK CRUESADER..."

 

I hope you enjoyed that part, the story will soon be continued with the rest of the duel, and many more D.A story's.

BYE!!

ENJOY!!

Please read and comment!!

^_^

 

Edit: I have another thread for my fan fic now. I didn't know you had to put it all into 1 whole thread. Please lock...

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Aelsthla-Mental Newbie

Aelsthla-Mental

Posted
Posted

Interesting story, but could you space it out a bit more next chapter?

 

And one thing about shrink, it halves the original attack of a monster i believe, so Dark Crusader shouldn't have lost as many attack points.

oh, and thats how you spell crusader :).

 

anyway, good story. Keep up the good work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites
Umbra Newbie

Umbra

Posted
Posted

1. It is spelled "Kaiba". Not "Kiaba".

 

2. The start is just... wrong.

Ok, in this Fan fic, it involves the Egyption god's(1), new main character's, after something bad happen's to each of them, this story followes on from a yugioh plot and involves Industrial Illusions, Kiaba C. and in the end Yugi Muto appears as an old man, and Jaden Yuki Go's against the last main character of the Fan Fic, of course Jaden will have a new Deck,(2) which i will make a poll on, and Also this is my first Fan Fic, so please don't be to harsh, well... ENJOY!!

 

In a street in the middle of England, 2 young lad's(3) who had power's unknown(4) just stood there talking about stratergy's, but an odd thing is, when they where both the same age, they found together 2 Egyption(5) God card's, also 1 of them secretly posessed a melenium item(6), these two boy's are named, Rahim Jones, and Alex Dina, and something unexpected was going to happen...

 

1. Gods. Not God's. There's more than one god.

 

2. NEVER replace an original character's deck with something else. At least you spelled Jaden right.

 

3. NEVER use numbers to describe any mass of people. It just looks strange. And also, same error on "lad's" as in #1.

 

4. Plot twist; save for later.

 

5. Read above.

 

6. Read above.

 

Overall: The Spelling/grammar could have been much better, and the plot feels somewhat meh, to be true.

 

Rating: 38%.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...