Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Hi...I would like to share a poem I have started. I am writing this poem to express my love for Stephanie, the girl I want to go out with. And I would like to show you my progress with it.--Please Enjoy, Rate, Comment, and Discuss. It would help me with writing this sense I take a long time writing poems--.________________________________________________________ [align=Center]Yours To Hold I just wish I could hold youBut I can't reach you from where I standMy distance from you is painfulBut my love for you still burns To embrace you is a missionTo Love you is my ambitionTo show you how much you mean to me,and to escape with your passion is my goal. Maybe this is what it's likeWhen world's collide.Nobody but you to think about.Nothing but your love on my Mind. Passion glazing like a moonlit shine.Your eyes watering with Tears so Divine.Ever so mine, I desire for my own.But only for you, I am yours to hold. Seared by your HistoryBut only from the beautySeared from your Lies.Lies used only to love. Your voice is like Music.Music Conducted by the finest Director.Like a hundred Flutes and TrumpetsPearcing my heart with your Passion. Like a thin streamed needleYour love punctures my blinded soul.Coursing through my very atomsSearching for my Compassion. Your heart nearly truly in my grasp.My heart and lungs pountding as I ask."Do you really love me?Or is it only for me?" These words only silence, Though still heard through ages.You answer only sweetens the moment,as your lips pierce with mine. Forever, only, intact, is your answer.But eternally, no, just legends and lies.Your beauty mesmerizing my mind.The moonlight gleaming off your starlit eyes. Years fall through.Ages pass by.Like nothing were there, except your love and mine. Your answer still ringing in my head,though your love still stays strong.But though it is the middle.Our lips have only just met. Years before us, though I still wonder.Will we always be together?Will we always love each other?Or is this nothing but distruth. You say you love me,but my confusion still remains.Is it just a thing of the past?Or am I just imagining things? Nearing the point, nearing our change.I have asked so many questions,but only kisses I receaved,along with your seemingly everlasting love. Your answers only confuse me,but your lips always complete me.Like your touch is all I want.To crave, to feel, to desire for my own. But time must pass on,but I still have one thing left to ask."Are we History, my love?Or are we merely just lies?" [/align] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 *Sorry for double post...But I added the second stanza. I'll get more stanzas tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aximil Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Some of the words don't quite "click". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Yeah, you're right...I found a good way to fix it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aximil Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Why not PM me with things like this from now on? I am a poet myself. Even though most of what I write is about death. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Because this is to share with the public, not one person....lol...I want more than one person's opinion.. Oh, and I editted it...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aximil Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Yeah, I thought that would be your reply. And the last line still seems to long to me. To much of a breath. It doesn't flow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Yeah, umm, when you're reading Poetry out loud, you're supposed to take a moment's breathe after every second stanza, That's why alot of poets have their last line-2 stanza really long, so that the reader will surely have to take a breathe...sense it allows the mood and tone to express itself more thoroughly.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aximil Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 ...and to escape with your passion *breath* that is my goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I couldnt help but smile reading this. Its very good. Maybe I'm biased when it comes to poetry like this but I absolutely adore it :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yasu Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 "To embrace you is a missionTo Love you is my ambition"My favorite part... EXCELENT 10/10!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willieh Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I personally like poems with some type of rhyme scheme... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 wow, what expression.....anyways, i'd rather you rhyme a bit, but it's fine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 [align=Center]Your's To Hold I just wish I could hold youBut I can't reach you from where I standMy distance from you is painfulBut my love for you still burns To embrace you is a missionTo Love you is my ambitionTo show you how much you mean to me' date='and to escape with your passion is my goal.[/i'][/align] I'm usually not that nitpicky on grammar when it comes to poems. I've made errors myself, but the grammar-nazi inside me backfired when I read the title. I believe it should be "yours" rather than "your's" since I don't think "your is" actually exists. And there are a few sentenced I feel that I would have written it differently. But hey. It's a good poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 i agree, umbrabut yea, maybe another verse would be good? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 lol..Thnx Ambra, you are correct, took me a while to find you were talking about the title...lol I will get some more verses after work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 EDITED: 1 new stanza..enjoy:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shadowferret Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I like it. It's pretty good. *thumbs up*...don't take my opinion seriously. I suck at poetry...>_> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♫Griffinsusername♫ Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 It is beautiful but somtimes you rhyme then you just stop in the same stanza. It needs to flow and just roll off the tongue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 It is beautiful but somtimes you rhyme then you just stop in the same stanza. It needs to flow and just roll off the tongue Ah..But that's the trick...It's never good to keep to the sam "Form" for poetry, it lacks creativity and originality. You want to mix around with your scheme to conduct a perfectly formulated Free Verse Poem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aximil Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 I still don't like it that the last line in each stanza takes two breaths. But, it's your poem. Make it how you want it to be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spiff! Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 cool!i just posted a few poems myself,plz check em out and comment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Dinosaur Posted June 19, 2008 Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 Great Prose man! It's deep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted June 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 19, 2008 *Updated..New Stanza...this is getting really good...Whatever I have finished by next Friday, then that will be the end...And I am planning on ending it very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Dinosaur Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 You're very good at this. Are you going to be a poet when you grow up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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