Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 ok, well, i was thinking of making a.. um.. well i guess you can call it a "Fan-Fic" but more a story ish book... heres the Preleminary, tell me what you think please... [align=center]There was always this time, when we all looked up to our fathers, and just stood in aww at how much your father looked like a super hero. It was from that point on, when you decided, I want to be just like my father. At that time, you had no understanding of what true love was, and you had no understanding, of what is about to happen next.. You find yourself awaken in the night, by a chiming sound, its subtle, but loud enough to hear it through your brothers muffled cries. As you walk to the hallway, the chiming sound getting, louder and louder. Finally when you reach the hallway, the chiming sound becomes deeper, a high pitch, then a low a pitch, a combonation of this rythm, it sooths you, but your afraid to except it. When you get to the living room, the chiming rythm, has now turned into a sycopated sequence of notes, and chimes, and chords, and percussions. You turn the corner, and you see it. Old whilah', gram grams piano, being played your father. While you stand just enchanted by this music, that has been exiled from your house for so long, you start to see images of grams, at the opera house, playing that special tune she played for you every night. Minutes pass and the spell from the song gets stronger and stronger, untill finally the song stops, and your father says alright Jespa, time for you to go back to sleep young man. You lay awake that night, the song coming in and out of your thoughts, conflicting with those harsh rules, those harsh conditions, layed down by your father, so long ago. It's then, that you realize, father died when you were 4, how was he playing the piano? *subtle musics starts playing, a flowing soft sound, the keys are being pressed with such delicacy, as if they were like rice paper, producing an ery rhythm* What you have just witnessed, is it truely a divine dream that has come true for this deprived young boy? Or is it just the over active mind, of a pre adelecent, thriving for attention? We will never know. But shall it hurt to further preview this prescape of your imagination?[/align] so.. what do you think? just tell me the truth, thats all i want, is your true opinionas i dont feel like waisting my time -.-" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RestLess-BoTics Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 I can see that a lot of thought was put into this, and I must applaud your effort.But, since I'm only thirteen years old, some parts were quite confusing to me.Lol, great job, Bloodrun. :) -Glasstin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 I can see that a lot of thought was put into this' date=' and I must applaud your effort.But, since I'm only thirteen years old, some parts were quite confusing to me.Lol, great job, Bloodrun. :) -Glasstin[img']http://i230.photobucket.com/albums/ee204/glasstin10/emo-fish.gif[/img] lol, well which parts were confusing, im sure i could explain them, to help it sink into your stil developing mind ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 dude! That was like one long, deep poem! Sure it didnt rhyme, but it just had that graceful feel to it.... Very nice, i would t call it a fan fic, but that was something that gets the mind thinking. Very nice. 9.2/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 dude! That was like one long' date=' deep poem! Sure it didnt rhyme, but it just had that graceful feel to it.... Very nice, i would t call it a fan fic, but that was something that gets the mind thinking. Very nice. 9.2/10[/quote'] lol yeah, i wouldnt call it a fan fic either, and thanks alot man =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abstract [Atrocity] Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 I liked it... a pretty good theme, good imagery, and the only error I saw was you spelled "awe" wrong in the first sentance. You should keep going... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 ]I liked it... a pretty good theme' date=' good imagery, and the only error I saw was you spelled "awe" wrong in the first sentance. You should keep going...[/quote'] lol actually i think i spelled a couple more things wrongbut i thank you for comment, i enjoy it =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jerry OldMaster Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Well, well....Good job, but I wouldn't read it to be honest ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 Well' date=' well....Good job, but I wouldn't read it to be honest ^^[/quote'] lol eyah OldMasterno one will ^_^ guuh!! flimidy, flammit, fruuttin, frggitt, biscuits!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted July 4, 2008 Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 dude! That was like one long' date=' deep poem! Sure it didnt rhyme, but it just had that graceful feel to it.... Very nice, i would t call it a fan fic, but that was something that gets the mind thinking. Very nice. 9.2/10[/quote'] lol yeah, i wouldnt call it a fan fic either, and thanks alot man =) your welcome. ^_^ And I would read it if I had time. Pm me when/if you post another. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 4, 2008 dude! That was like one long' date=' deep poem! Sure it didnt rhyme, but it just had that graceful feel to it.... Very nice, i would t call it a fan fic, but that was something that gets the mind thinking. Very nice. 9.2/10[/quote'] lol yeah, i wouldnt call it a fan fic either, and thanks alot man =) your welcome. ^_^ And I would read it if I had time. Pm me when/if you post another. ^_^ lol okwill do =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wyhe Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 It looks to be quite a phulosphical version of a story...I've seen those kind before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 It looks to be quite a phulosphical version of a story...I've seen those kind before. lol not on herebut you may have seen a certain show Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zeroshot Posted July 5, 2008 Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 It looks to be quite a phulosphical version of a story...I've seen those kind before. lol not on herebut you may have seen a certain show I've seen it... If i recall correctly, 12 years ago. Also, Another thing I recall, is this about you? Well. I really wouldn't get into something this deep. This is a forum populated (spelling?) by children and this is really quiet deep. The true meaning may be lost in the translation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 5, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 It looks to be quite a phulosphical version of a story...I've seen those kind before. lol not on herebut you may have seen a certain show I've seen it... If i recall correctly' date=' 12 years ago. Also, Another thing I recall, is this about you? Well. I really wouldn't get into something this deep. This is a forum populated (spelling?) by children and this is really quiet deep. The true meaning may be lost in the translation.[/quote'] its not intended for people to get the true meaninglolthere Sci-Fi stories, you'll understand, once i release the second oneand yes this is partly about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 hmmmm dream to be his father.....coolyou should do it (im 12 and i still understand it a bit lol) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 hmmmm dream to be his father.....coolyou should do it (im 12 and i still understand it a bit lol) lol okkkalot of you guys really aren't getting the whole idea lolyou Pikachu, are so close but, the next one, will explain alot =) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willieh Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 I hate to be a critic, but there are a few problems :| You overused commas when they weren't necessary You did mispell a few words (this isn't a major problem) You find yourself awaken in the night, by a chiming sound, its subtle, but loud enough to hear it through your brothers muffled cries You never explained why the brother was crying, unless he was a baby or something. otherwise this isn't bad. Mainly just typos or improper grammar. I like it though. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 I hate to be a critic' date=' but there are a few problems :| You overused commas when they weren't necessary You did mispell a few words (this isn't a major problem) You find yourself awaken in the night, by a chiming sound, its subtle, but loud enough to hear it through your brothers muffled cries You never explained why the brother was crying, unless he was a baby or something. otherwise this isn't bad. Mainly just typos or improper grammar. I like it though. :D im not worried about the typos on the introductioni didnt explain about the brother, becuae it would take away from the meaning of the story, is it unfoldsand, it would distract people from the ending of the introduction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted July 6, 2008 Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 hmmmm dream to be his father.....coolyou should do it (im 12 and i still understand it a bit lol) lol okkkalot of you guys really aren't getting the whole idea lolyou Pikachu' date=' are so close but, the next one, will explain alot =)[/quote']im close, really? i thought i was nowhere near but mehsince lots of us agreed already aren't you going to post it in the fanfic section yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodrun Posted July 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 hmmmm dream to be his father.....coolyou should do it (im 12 and i still understand it a bit lol) lol okkkalot of you guys really aren't getting the whole idea lolyou Pikachu' date=' are so close but, the next one, will explain alot =)[/quote']im close, really? i thought i was nowhere near but mehsince lots of us agreed already aren't you going to post it in the fanfic section yet? hmm no im not gonna post it in the fan fic, yet.as i have to see the reaction from the next part... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.