Ultimate Ryan Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 Well the words just came to me, it is a reaction I had after seeing an old photo (can tell if enough people bother me about it, maybe)[/align] [align=center]Shades of Blue - A Ryan Poem Shades of blueLost in brillianceBut then it strikesSadness sweeps Shades of blueI then lost youI forgot allAnd we separated You were oneI was the otherThen your goneAnd I fall[/align][align=left]Just comment or help me get better by criticizing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Uchiha Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 Call it the Shades Of Blue How about putting "I love you" as the second line in the poem,then "Lost in your brilliance" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Careless Whisper Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 It's not bad. I see the effort, but I don't feel much emotion radiating from it. Nice poem, just work on trying to bring out the feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 Wow... Darn, the connections error occurred when I had posted originally... But... Your words dont work together and choosing more than 3 words per line gets tricky unless they work... Sorry for being blunt but this isnt that well thought out Dx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pikachu Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 a bit short but cooljust add rhuymes to make the poem flow a bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
╬「Selatcia」╬ Posted July 29, 2008 Report Share Posted July 29, 2008 Sounds so sad. :neutral:I agree with Darkflame, name it shades of blue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultimate Ryan Posted July 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2008 okay, name is now shades of blue Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted July 30, 2008 Report Share Posted July 30, 2008 Name does not make a Poem o.O... It gives it a definite face imo, try and improve it as a whole ya? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultimate Ryan Posted July 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2008 I need help much, any advice Icy or Meti? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JoshIcy Posted July 30, 2008 Report Share Posted July 30, 2008 My changes that I would make? "But then it strikes" -Drop the 'But'.... "Sadness sweeps"-I can believe I am saying this but I wanna see more here o.O... "I then lost you"-Drop the 'then'... "And we separated"-Dunno doesnt turn the cog right :? The last stanza is kinda messy, and I will leave it at the above... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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