DarkForce™ Posted August 17, 2008 Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 This is my new Fan-Fic featuring my own characters and villains where anything goes. New Rules.New Foes.New Cards.One New Problem.The Problem... THE FORCE FROM THE FUTURE!!!!******************************************************Prolouge: THIRTY YEARS AGO......... In a Warehouse... ???: You have the money? ???: That Depends, Do you have the deck? Mysterious men place both objects on a 15 carrot gold table. ???: Good, my money. ???: And this is the deck I requested right? ???: Yes, it is. The new set of cards we made known as the "Containment" monsters are yours to wield. ???: Thank you Darkus, for the money. ???: You think I'm Darkus fool!!! I am the one known as Kindrad The Traitor, care to find out why???? Kindrad: Come forth beast of the Underworld!!!! I call upon the Force Of Darkness, Shamille The Shadow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A dark beam of light floods the entire warehouse as throughout the city of Forceville a Giant winged demon rose out of the ground and was gone as soon as it appeared. Kindrad walked out of the burning warehouse and into a wormhole with a card around his neck: Darkness King Shamille. PRESENT DAY/FORCEVILLE........ Razz: Okay got my deck, my gear, and my... oh no where's my Duelist ID? I can't get into Duel School without it. ???: Is this it? Razz: Yeah thanks. Say who are you? ???: My name is Kindrad. I'm 16 years old and I'm going to try and enter the Duel School. Kindrad: What's your name? Razz: It's Razz. Hey since we're going to the same school we should walk together so that the creeps in this part of town don't jump us. Kindrad: Good Idea. But Take this it reminds me of you Kindrad hands over card: B'Zar The Thunder Beast. Razz: I think we'll be close friends. Kindrad(muttering): Closer than you think. And They Walked Off Into The School Building. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Freeman The Master Posted August 17, 2008 Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkForce™ Posted August 17, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 thanks and bump Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deucalion Posted August 17, 2008 Report Share Posted August 17, 2008 Prolouge: Correct spelling is "prologue", THIRTY YEARS AGO......... Unnecessary capitals. "Thirty years ago" will do just fine. Also, an ellipsis is composed of three periods, not nine, ie, "Thirty years ago...". In a Warehouse... Unnecessary capitilization. Warehouse is neither at the start of the sentence, or a proper noun. "In a warehouse..." is fine. Also, be more descriptive. What does the warehouse look like? Where is the warehouse? Set up the scene with more description so that your audience is captivated more. ???: You have the money? Again, be descriptive. We may not need to know ???'s identity, but describe what he she or it looks like, what they are thinking, etc. ???: That Depends, Do you have the deck? The capitals on Depends and Do are not needed. The comma isn't really needed either. "That depends. Do you have the deck?" is better sentence construction. Also, now there are two different people called "???". Make their identities clearer by saying ???1 and ???2, or something along those lines. Mysterious men place both objects on a 15 carrot gold table. Place what objects? The deck and the money? If so, make it more clear. Also, it is carat, not carrot. One is gold, the other you can eat. Again, more description in general. Also, seeing as you are refering to a specific set of men, "The mysterious men" makes more sense grammatically. ???: Good, my money. More description. What is ???'s response to the money? How does he feel about attaining this money? And so on. Again, make clear which ??? it is. ???: And this is the deck I requested right? More description. ???: Yes, it is. The new set of cards we made known as the "Containment" monsters are yours to wield. More description. ???: Thank you Darkus, for the money. Darkus? Cliche much, naming a character Dark? Also, the -us ending signifies it comes from the Latin. The Latin for darkness is acerbus, which if you don't like, there is always the Latin for shadow, umbra. But please, try to steer clear of the cliches. ???: You think I'm Darkus fool!!! I am the one known as Kindrad The Traitor, care to find out why???? Urgh. Give the capitals a break. You don't need them here. Also, stop spamming exclamation and question marks. "You think I'm Darkus? Fool! I am the one known as Kindrad the Traitor. Would you care to find out why?" works much better. Kindrad: Come forth beast of the Underworld!!!! I call upon the Force Of Darkness, Shamille The Shadow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will revoke your license to your keyboard if you continue to abuse exclamation marks in such a way. "Kindrad: Come forth beast of the Underworld! I call upon the Force of Darkness, Shamille The Shadow!" looks much better. Also note that "Of" didn't need to have a capital. A dark beam of light floods the entire warehouse as throughout the city of Forceville a Giant winged demon rose out of the ground and was gone as soon as it appeared. You need a comma to separate the sentence after "warehouse". Also, this sentence does not make sense. Unless the giant winged demon is really damn giant, he won't rise out of the ground throughout the city. Also, a "dark beam of light" is an oxymoron. Darkness is absence of light. Either beam of darkness or beam of light, but not a dark beam of light. I could go on forever, but I can't be bothered. Short story: grammar helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkForce™ Posted August 19, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 19, 2008 thank you for your "help" but i don't need it i have helped in some of the most recently published and famous fan-fics here so if you don't care to say anything GOOD about this fan-fic GET OUT!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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