Alastar Rainford Posted September 10, 2008 Report Share Posted September 10, 2008 [align=center]Chapter 1/Part 1Interlude to Twilight[/align] The beautiful blue sky was quickly engulfed by a blood red veil. My eyes were not deceiving me as the clouds were tainted black, and lay I with one of a man's blades in front of my bloody body just thinking to myself “,This is it.” “This is how I die.”I was just waiting for that moment that his blade would just cringe into my chest, but then everything faded,went black,then got cold;very cold. I guess I lost so much blood that I didn't need that blade to go through me to die, but then a familiar warmth came over my body but you see this warmth is different;this marvelous warmth came only from my mothers. “But it can't be,”I thought. “they are both dead.” Suddenly an image appeared before my eyes,it was both of them together. There was only one thought that went through my head;am I dead.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted September 10, 2008 Report Share Posted September 10, 2008 hmm... interesting. ^_^ please take in mind that what i am about to tell you will really help, as i have been credited by others on the site as the best writer here, in some instances. you rush. simple as that. ^_^ drag it out more, especially in instances that involve death. take in mind that it takes less time to read it than it takes to write it. so what you think is long sometimes isnt. you could have written more on how it was a beautiful day at first, then you could have emphasized a whole lot on how it suddenly changed. that would have been much better in writing this piece. and then you could learn the enter button as you write dialogue, and it will read much better. ^_^ just add paragraphs now and again, as i am doing when i write this, and it will make it easier for people to read. i am interested how this will turn into a yugioh fan fic though... ^_^ please post some sort of relevance to yugioh so that i can rate it. other than that, i think that you have amazing potential here. oh, and read my fan fic (Edge of Justice) to see some of the things i mean. :D have a good day.. ~K Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alastar Rainford Posted September 10, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2008 Thank youI was thinking of making this a seperate story that is like Sailor Moonbut I can try changing it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 well, you dont need to change it. Just try to attach it to something related to yugioh. ^_^ Salor moon would be interesting to tie into this beginning though...^_^ I'm glad you actually listened to my advise... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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