thunderfang12 Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 Lock Please Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 You surely have an interesting plot going on up there, I'll give you some cred for that. Combining YGO with Aztecs is something I'd never think of, to be Honest. (Puns have never been my thing, either.) Anyway, the main issue I see here: The text feels too... basic, if you know what I mean. The commas are a bit off-key, and the wordings feel forced as you present the six (numbers are never written as numbers, unless it's in years (like, 2008). It just looks bad) cards. To sum it up: Good. Not great, but good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 thanks wording isn't really my thing but i will edit the numbers thing EDIT: numbers edited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 A good prologue. I personally like those inovations - kinda new god cards. If you try hard, you can make a good fan fiction from that plot. I'll be waiting for the next part, like I always do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 11, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 it will come soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
K.B. strategist Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 Hmm, good start. As said already some problems with wording. Unfortunately the power of the Dark Gods was too much for the duelists to control and it consumed them and turned them against the Aztec empire. Change the second "and" in this sentence to a comma, then change the "turned" to "turning" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 Hmm' date=' good start. As said already some problems with wording. [i']Unfortunately the power of the Dark Gods was too much for the duelists to control and it consumed them and turned them against the Aztec empire.[/i] Change the second "and" in this sentence to a comma, then change the "turned" to "turning" Good point. Where ever there is a double AND, just change one verb into Past Continuous or whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kale Posted September 11, 2008 Report Share Posted September 11, 2008 hmm.. .it is pretty good to start with. though i dont favor much the italicized words to read... thats an easy fix. ^_^ other than that, i think you could add in some commas... good start. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2008 thanks ill take out take italics and ill try to add some more comas EDIT:removed italics, added comas, used K.B's sentence help thanks all keep the comments coming ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2008 Chapter 1 Is Finally UpAnd BUMP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 12, 2008 Report Share Posted September 12, 2008 I'd suggest to you to write it much longer. I do not have any running fan fics myself(2 attempts... blah), but just take a look at Kale's fan fic. Just longer. Maybe more descriptions. Or more happenings? Just make it longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 12, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 12, 2008 yeah i will make them longer as i go on but that chapter was really a pilot and it wasn't meant to be very long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 13, 2008 Report Share Posted September 13, 2008 Good then :) I'll wait till next part of the story, in fact I like that Aztec idea... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 13, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 13, 2008 thanks i tried to make something orginalish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 sorry 'bout double post but Chapter 2 is finally here and I have updated the Character List Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 14, 2008 Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 The chapter is cool! Let's see how is our hero gonna overcome this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 some chapters may be shortish becuase im not brilliant at long writing and i got told of a lot at school for it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 14, 2008 Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 Just a turn more maybe to insert here... I see that you have no problems in formatting. You descript the monsters pretty well. I don't know how to make it longer :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 well as long as i try my best ill be fine and i think ill make a set of cards based on the cards used in my Fan-Fic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~The Red Crusader~ Posted September 14, 2008 Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 I'd like to see the ones Atlan uses :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 card set link added Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Umbra Posted September 14, 2008 Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 There are many grammar issues in the second chapter. Also, don't use ´ for names: Just write them, or if you have to do something, use quotation marks. That just looks strange, though. The plot didn't advance much, either, except from Groundos being summoned, but it doesn't look like people care that much. The first chapter was better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 14, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2008 ok i will change that EDIT: ' removed and i didn't really want to advance the plot i just wanted a duel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thunderfang12 Posted September 15, 2008 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2008 ~~BUMP~~Exactly 24 Hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GoldWolf Posted September 17, 2008 Report Share Posted September 17, 2008 8.5/10I like the idea ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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